The kerosene can on the mantel reposes, Its contents were sprinkled all over the fire, And all that poor Kathleen O'Donohue knows is, This dull world has changed for a sphere that...
A woman's shoe that is "a mile too big," is never a foot in length.
THE BARBER--Did I ever shave you before? THE VICTIM--Yes, once. THE BARBER--I don't remember your face. THE VICTIM--No; I suppose not. It's all healed up now.
Some men divide their lives between trying to forget and trying to recover from the effects of trying to forget.
"Can you give me a front room on the first floor?" asked a travelling man of the recently installed clerk. "Can I give it to you?" "Yes, that is what I remarked." "That's queer," s...
If you want to see a strong organization, look at the whisky dealers; if you want to see a weak one, look at the consumers.
SMITH--I notice that Robinson has an article in the paper this morning. JONES--Indeed! I didn't see it. What was it? SMITH--His spring overcoat. He was taking it to the tailor to b...
WIFE-Will you see that my grave is kept green, my darling? HUSBAND--No, my dear, but I will plant violets upon it. "For what reason?" "Because I do not wish any grave-robber to dig...
"For mercy sake, don't put me near old Billions!" said Mrs. Lookyoung to her friend. "Why not?" said the other. "He's awfully interesting." "I know it," said Mrs. Lookyoung, "but I...
He--Why has he put her picture in his watch? She--Because he thinks she will love him in time.
MASHINGTON--What's the matter with your clock? It's stopped. TAILOR--I never wind it up. I use it as a motto. "What do you mean?" "No tick here."
Some people who jump at conclusions lose sight of the hurdles.
JOHNNIE--"Ya-as, I've just come back from Ireland--County Cork. Ever been to Cork?" SOUBRETTE--"No--but I've seen a good many drawings of it."
THE DOCTOR--"You regard society as merely a machine, do you? What part of the machinery do you consider me, for instance?" THE PROFESSOR--"You are one of the cranks."
The glazier is not necessarily a tiresome man because he "gives you a pane."
--"I want to be an angel." --"Just wait till you've backed one or two 'stars,' and you'll change that tune my boy."
HE--Don't you think Miss Plainly is the very image of her mother? SHE--Yes, indeed; the resemblance is something awful.
"He's a professional grafter." "Who?" "The nurseryman."
HE--"Didn't you promise to love, honor and obey me?" SHE--"Heaven only knows what I promised. I was listening to hear what you promised."
"Mike, d' I ever tell ye the story about the dirty window?" "You did not. Tell me about it." "No use--you couldn't see through it."
"Are you engaged?" inquired the lady of Bridget at the intelligence office. "No, mum, but I have regular company for four nights o' the week."
"Haven't I told you before," he cried, "to sing out the names of stations clearly and distinctly? Bear in mind. Sing 'em out. Do you hear?" "I will sir." And when the next train ca...
"Yes" said a landlord, sadly, whose tenant had made a moonlight "flitting," "appearances are deceitful; but disappearances are still more so."
WIFE--"Got a dollar?" HUSBAND--"Where's the last dollar I gave you?" "Gone." "I thought I told you to make it go as far as you could." "I did." "Doesn't look like it." "Well, I did...
"Is this a fire insurance office?" "Yes, sir; can we write you some insurance?" "Perhaps you can. You see, my employer threatens to fire me next Saturday, and I'd like some protect...
An Irishman quarreling with an Englishman, told him if he didn't hold his tongue he would break his impenetrable head, and let his brains out of his empty skull.
Attorney for the Defense--Have you ever been cross-examined before? The Witness--Have I. I'm a married man.--Life.
"What is the secret of success?" asked the Sphinx. "Push," said the Button. "Never be led," said the Pencil. "Take pains," said the Window. "Always keep cool," said the Ice. "Be up...
A Boston, man upon learning that there were 4,000 Poles in New York, exclaimed: "What a place to raise beans."
HUSBAND--That ice box of ours reminds me of a good pinochle player. WIFE--Why? HUSBAND--Because it is a great melter.