| Anecdotes (212) Irish Humour (130) Jests (1741) Joke Topics (710) Jokes (52) Stories Jokes (575) Riddles (64) Puns (713) Canadian Humour (26) Animal Anecdote (100) Free Jokes (752) Humour Scenes (108) |
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Anecdotes
|
General St. Amour
This officer, who distinguished himself in the Imperial
service, was the son of a poor Piedmontese peasant, but he never forgot his
humbl...
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The Deaf And Dumb Mother
The late Countess of Orkney, who died at an
advanced age, was deaf and dumb, and was married in 1753 by signs. She
resided with her husba...
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Filial Affection
A veteran, worn out in the service of France, was left
without a pension, although he had a wife and three children to share his
wretched...
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Racine
The celebrated French poet, Racine, having one day returned from
Versailles, where he had been on a visit, was waited upon by a gentleman
...
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Touching Recognition
Some years ago, in making a new communication
between two shafts of a mine at Fahkin, the capital of Delecarlia, the body
of a miner was ...
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Family Sacrifice
During the French revolution, Madame Saintmaraule, with
her daughter, and a youth, her son, not yet of age, were confined in prison
and b...
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Expedient Of Conjugal Affection
Napoleon used to relate an anecdote
shewing the conjugal affection of some women who accompanied his troops
when he was at Col de Tende. ...
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Sir Joshua Reynolds
"What do you ask for this sketch?" said Sir Joshua to
an old picture-dealer, whose portfolio he was looking over. "Twenty
guineas, your h...
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Ditto
Two gentlemen were at a coffee-house, when the discourse fell upon
Sir Joshua Reynold's painting; one of them said that "his tints were
a...
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Gainsborough
A countryman was shown Gainsborough's celebrated picture of
"The Pigs." "To be sure," said he, "they be deadly like pigs; but there is
on...
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Turner
Once, at a dinner, where several artists, amateurs and literary
men were convened, a poet, by way of being facetious, proposed as a toast
...
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Lely And The Alderman
Sir Peter Lely, a famous painter in the reign of
Charles I., agreed for the price of a full-length, which he was to draw for
a rich alder...
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Morland
It is well known that Morland the painter used to go on an
expedition with a companion sometimes without a guinea, or perhaps scarcely
a ...
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Hogarth
A nobleman, not remarkable for generosity, sent for Hogarth and
desired that he would represent on one of the compartments of his
stairca...
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Chantrey's First Sculpture
Chantrey, when a boy, used to take milk to
Sheffield on an ass. To those not used to seeing and observing such things,
it may be necessar...
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A Beggar's Wedding
Dean Swift being in the country, on a visit to Dr.
Sheridan, they were informed that a beggar's wedding was about to be
celebrated. Sheri...
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Old Age Secured
As Sir Walter Scott was riding once with a friend in the
neighbourhood of Abbotsford, he came to a field gate, which an Irish beggar
who ...
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Maximilian I
A beggar once asked alms of the Emperor Maximilian I., who
bestowed upon him a small coin. The beggar appeared dissatisfied with the
smal...
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A Benevolent Judge
The celebrated Anthony Domat, author of a treatise on
the civil laws, was promoted to the office of judge of the provincial court
of Cler...
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Pope Pius Ix
An advocate, the father of a large family, fell into ill
health, and soon afterwards into want. Pius IX., hearing of this, sent a
messeng...
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300 Scudi (l62), With The Words, "for The Advocate ..
Pius IX.," in the
pontiff's own handwriting.
Dr. Glynn was remarkable for many acts of kindness to poor persons. He had
attended a s...
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An Odd Fault
It is said that when the learned Humphrey Prideaux offered
his Life of Mahomet to the bookseller, he was desired to leave the copy
with h...
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Dictionaries
Dr. Johnson, while compiling his dictionary, sent a note to
the _Gentleman's Magazine_, to inquire the etymology of the word
CURMUDGEON. ...
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Heber's Palestine
When Reginald Heber read his prize poem, "Palestine,"
to Sir Walter Scott, the latter observed that, in the verses on Solomon's
Temple, o...
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Use Of H
"What has become of your famous General _Eel?_" said the Count
d'Erleon to Mr. Campbell. "Eel," said a bystander, "that is a military fish...
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Catalogue Making
Mr. Nichols, in the fourth vol. of his _Literary
Anecdotes_, mentions that Dr. Taylor, who was librarian at Cambridge, about
the year 173...
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Thomson And Quin
Thomson the poet, when he first came to London, was in
very narrow circumstances, and was many times put to shifts even for a
dinner. Upo...
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Denon And De Foe
M. de Talleyrand, having one day invited M. Denon, the
celebrated traveller, to dine with him, told his wife to read the work of
his gues...
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Possibility
Bonaparte was passing along the dreadful road across the
Echelles de Savoie, with his engineer, when he stopped, and pointing to the
moun...
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Sir And Sire
A petition from the English _detenus_ at Valenciennes was
left for signature at the house of the colonel of gendarmerie, addressed in
a f...
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Polignac
Monsieur le Compte de Polignac had been raised to honour by
Bonaparte; but, from some unaccountable motive, betrayed the trust his
patron...
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The Price Of Bread
Some years ago, the bakers of Lyons thought they could
prevail on M. Dugas, the provost of the merchants in that city, to befriend
them a...
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Kosciusko
The hero of Poland once wished to send some bottles of good
wine to a clergyman at Solothurn; and as he hesitated to trust them by his
se...
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Mysterious Benefactor
In the year 1720, celebrated for the bursting of
the South Sea Bubble, a gentleman called late in the evening at the banking
house of Mes...
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Bannister
Charles Bannister dining one day at the Turk's Head Tavern, was
much annoyed by a gentleman in the adjoining box, who had just ordered fis...
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A Christmas Pudding Extraordinary
When the late Lord Paget was ambassador
at Constantinople, he, with the rest of the gentlemen who were in a public
capacity at the same c...
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Swift
A gentleman, at whose house Swift was dining in Ireland, after
dinner introduced remarkably small hock glasses, and at length, turning to
...
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Making Things Better
A rich man sent to call a physician for a slight
disorder. The physician felt his pulse, and said, "Do you eat well?" "Yes,"
said the pat...
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Physicians In China
Caleb Colton, nephew of the late Sir George Staunton,
gives in a recent publication the following anecdote:--"My late uncle, Sir
G. Staun...
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Nash And The Doctor
When the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne
wrote a prescription for him. The next day, the doctor coming to see his
patient, inqui...
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Gin _versus_ Medicine
The celebrated Dr. Ward was not more remarkable for
humanity and skill than for wit and humour. An old woman, to whom he had
administered...
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Abernethy
A Chancery barrister having been for a long while annoyed by an
irritable ulcer on one of his legs, called upon Mr. Abernethy for the
pur...
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Man--shut It Up--shut It Up! Go Home And Read My Book, P
, and take one
of the pills there mentioned every night on going to bed." The lawyer
handed over the fee, and was about to leave the room...
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Astley Cooper
Probably no surgeon of ancient or modern times enjoyed a
greater share of reputation during his life than fell to the lot of Sir
Astley, ...
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Shaving A Queen
For some time after the restoration of Charles the
Second, young smooth-faced men performed the women's parts on the stage.
That monarch,...
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Good-natured Author
The late M. Segur, among other literary productions,
supplied the French theatres with a number of pleasing trifles. If he was
not always...
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A Heavy Play
When Sir Charles Sedley's comedy of "Bellamira" was
performed, the roof of the theatre fell down, by which, however, few people
were hurt...
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The Sailor And The Actress
"When I was a poor girl," said the Duchess of
St. Albans, "working very hard for my thirty shillings a week, I went down
to Liverpool dur...
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Kean
In the second year of Kean's London triumph, an elderly lady, whose
sympathy had been excited by his forlorn condition in boyhood, but who...
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Mimic Reclaimed
In the beginning of the last century, a comedian of the
name of Griffin, celebrated for his talents as a mimic, was employed by a
comic a...
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Weeping At A Play
It is a prevailing folly to be ashamed to shed a tear
at any part of a tragedy, however affecting. "The reason," says the
Spectator, "is,...
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Dramatic Effect
It is related in the annals of the stage, as a remarkable
instance of the force of imagination, that when Banks's play of the _Earl
of Es...
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Goldsmith's Marlow
Mr. Lewis Grummit, an eminent grazier of Lincolnshire,
met late one night a commercial traveller who had mistaken his road, and
inquired ...
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Garrick And Rich
Soon after the appearance of Garrick at the theatre of
Drury Lane, to which he, by his astonishing powers, brought all the world,
while M...
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Treated So Cavalierly
"Who are you?" inquired the officer.--"I am General
...
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Mackenzie," Was The Reply
"What, without an uniform?" rejoined the
lieutenant; "oh, get back, get back, impostor; the general would break your
bones if he knew you...
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Old Ambrose
Among the few individuals who accompanied James II. to
France, when he was dethroned, was Madame de Varonne, a lady of good
family, but o...
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The Kennedies
Mr. Pennant, in his Tour in Scotland, relates the following
circumstance, which shows that a sense of honour may prevail in those who
hav...
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A Faithful Depositary
Under the ministry of Neckar in France, the
receiver of taxes at Roye, in Picardy, had the misfortune to have his
premises burnt,--cattle...
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A Reproof
Two youngsters once asked Fontenelle whether it was more
correct to say, _donnez-nous a boire_, (give us to drink), or
_apportez-nous a b...
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French Curate
During the French revolution, the inhabitants of a village
in Dauphine had determined on sacrificing their lord to their revenge, and
wer...
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Van Dyke
"When any one commits an offence against me," this painter used
to say, "I try to raise my soul so high that the offence shall not be able...
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Marie Antoinette
On the elevation of this princess to the throne after
the death of Louis XV., an officer of the body-guard, who had given her
offence on ...
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Friends And Hares
The Duke of Longueville's reply, when it was observed
to him that the gentlemen bordering on his estates were continually hunting
upon th...
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Doctor
"Of a pale blue! and this pale blue light was followed by a tall,
meagre, stern figure, who appeared as an old man of seventy years of age...
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Without Doubt," Said The Bishop
"My lord, I did speak to it; I adjured it
by all that was holy to tell me whence, and for what purpose it thus
appeared."--"And in heaven...
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A Dieppe Pilot
In August, 1777, a vessel from Rochelle, laden with salt,
and manned by eight hands, with two passengers on board, was discovered
making ...
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Italian Peasant
A great inundation having taken place in the north of
Italy, owing to an excessive fall of snow in the Alps, followed by a speedy
thaw, t...
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Countess De St. Belmont
When M. de St. Belmont, who defended a feeble
fortress against the arms of Louis XIV., was taken prisoner, his wife, the
Comtesse de St. ...
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French Peasant Girl
One evening early in 1858, Melanie Robert, daughter
of a small farmer, near Corbeil, was proceeding to Essonnes, when a man
armed with a ...
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Gallant Daughter
Sir John Cochrane, who was engaged in Argyle's rebellion
against James II., was taken prisoner, after a desperate resistance, and
condemn...
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A Gamekeeper's Daughter
The Gazette of Augsburg for January, 1820,
contained a singular account of the heroism and presence of mind displayed
by the daughter of ...
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Reward Of Heroism
M. Labat, a merchant of Bayonne, ill in health, had
retired in the beginning of the winter, 1803, to a country house on the
banks of the ...
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The Douglas
When King Robert I. died he exacted a promise from Sir James
Douglas to convey his heart to the Holy Land, where he had been on the
point...
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Marshal De Nevailles
At the battle of Senef, the Prince of Conde sent
word to Marshal de Nevailles to be ready to engage the enemy. The messenger
found him he...
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Breton Peasants
At the conclusion of the war in 1814, three hundred
British sailors, who had been prisoners, were assembled on the coast of
Britanny to e...
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An Archbishop
Henry Wardlaw, Archbishop of St. Andrew's, at the beginning
of the fifteenth century was a prelate of such unbounded liberality, that
the...
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Rights Of Hospitality
Dr. Johnson, in his tour through North Wales,
passed two days at the seat of Colonel Middleton, of Gwynnagag. While he
remained there, th...
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Mungo Park
While Park was waiting on the banks of the Niger for a
passage, the king of the country was informed that a white man intended to
visit h...
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M. Neckar
The six companies, or bodies corporate, of the City of Paris,
set on foot in the month of October, 1788, a subscription for the relief of
...
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Siege Of Cajeta
The City of Cajeta having rebelled against Alphonsus, was
invested by that monarch with a powerful army. Being sorely distressed for
want...
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Provost Drummond
About the middle of last century, George Drummond was
provost or chief magistrate of Edinburgh, and renowned for his humane
disposition. ...
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Bishop Of St. Lisieux
The massacre of St. Bartholomew was not confined to
Paris; orders were sent to the most distant provinces to commence the work
of destruc...
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The Princess Charlotte
During the residence of Her Royal Highness at
Bognor, where she had gone for the recovery of her health, an officer of
long standing in t...
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Reasons, You Would Ascribe It To A Better Motive
Our father, anxious to
assist his family, devoted the produce of a life of industry to the
purchase of a vessel, for the purpose of tradi...
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Fenelon
The venerable Archbishop of Cambray, whose humanity was
unbounded, was in the constant habit of visiting the cottages of the
peasants, an...
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Lord Cochrane
When this gallant officer was entrusted with the perilous
duty of conducting the fire-ships in the attack upon the French fleet in
Basque...
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Sir Samuel Hood
This gallant officer, when commanding the "Juno" on the
Jamaica station, in 1791, exhibited a noble instance of intrepid humanity.
The sh...
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An Uncarpeted House
M. Eveillan, formerly Archdeacon of Angers, was noted
for his humane and charitable disposition towards the poor. On one
occasion, when a...
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Fear Of Death
It is recorded of a person who had been sentenced to be
bled to death, that, instead of the punishment being actually inflicted, he
was m...
|
Johnson And Millar
When Dr. Johnson had completed his Dictionary, which
had quite exhausted the patience of Mr. Andrew Millar, his bookseller, the
latter ac...
|
Johnson And Wilkes
In his English Grammar, prefixed to his Dictionary,
Johnson had written--"_He_ seldom, perhaps never, begins any but the first
syllable."...
|
Johnson And Lord Elibank
"Lord Elibank," says Sir W. Scott, "made a happy
retort on Dr. Johnson's definition of oats, as the food of horses in
England, and men in...
|
James The First
Soon after that would-be _Solomon_ came to the throne of
England, he went one day to hear the causes in Westminster Hall, in order
to sho...
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Frederick The Great
Frederick the Great rang the bell one day, and nobody
answered. He opened the door, and found the page sleeping on a sofa. About
to wake ...
|
Desertion
Frederick, in surveying one evening some of the advanced posts
of his camp, discovered a soldier endeavouring to pass the sentinel. His
m...
|
Louis Xii
Josquin, a celebrated composer, was appointed master of the
chapel to Louis XII. of France, who promised him a benefice, but contrary
to ...
|
Charles V. Of France
The last words of this patriotic monarch are
memorable for the noble moral for kings which they contain. "I have aimed
at justice," said ...
|
George Iii. On Punctuality
The celebrated mathematical instrument maker,
Mr. Ramsden, was frequently deficient in punctuality, and would delay for
months, nay, for ...
|
Doing Homage
Mr. Carbonel, the wine merchant who served George III., was
a great favourite with the king, and used to be admitted to the royal
hunts. ...
|
The Horse Dealer
The king having purchased a horse, the dealer put into
his hands a large sheet of paper, completely written over. "What's this?"
said his...
|
A Bold Trick
The following anecdote serves to exemplify how necessary it
is upon any important occasion to scrutinise the accuracy of a statement
befo...
|
Horse Trials
In the art of cross-examining a witness, Curran was
pre-eminent. A clever repartee is recorded of him in a horse cause. He had
asked the ...
|
Erskine
On Mr. Erskine's receiving his appointment to succeed Mr. Dundas,
as justiciary in Scotland, he exclaimed that he must go and order his si...
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Fools
A lawyer of Strasburgh being in a dying state sent for a brother
lawyer to make his will, by which he bequeathed nearly the whole of his
...
|
Curran
A farmer, attending a fair with a hundred pounds in his pocket,
took the precaution of depositing it in the hands of the landlord of the
...
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A Good Example
Chamillart, comptroller-general of the finances in the
reign of Louis XIV., had been a celebrated pleader. He once lost a cause in
which ...
|
Legal Point
A few years ago it happened that a cargo of ice was imported
into this country from Norway. Not having such an article in the Custom
hous...
|
Elucidation Of Facts In Court
During the assizes, in a case of assault
and battery, where a stone had been thrown by the defendant, the following
...
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Clear And Conclusive Evidence Was Drawn Out Of A Yorkshireman
"Did you
see the defendant throw the stone?" "I saw a stone, and I'ze pretty sure
the defendant throwed it." "Was it a large stone?" "I s...
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Questioning
Sir John Fielding gave a curious instance in the case of an
Irish fellow who was brought before him when sitting as a magistrate at
Bow-s...
|
A Sheepish Lamb
Counsellor Lamb (an old man, at the time the late Lord
Erskine was in the height of his reputation) was a man of timid manners and
nervou...
|
Sir William Jones And Thomas Day
One day, upon removing some books at the
chambers of the former, a large spider dropped upon the floor, upon which
Sir William, with some...
|
The Stocks
Lord Camden once presided at a trial in which a charge was
brought against a magistrate for false imprisonment, and for putting the
plain...
|
Hanging Judge
Counsellor Grady, in a late trial in Ireland, said, he
recollected to have heard of a relentless judge; he was known by the name
of the H...
|
Keep To The Point
Lord Tenterden contracted such an inveterate habit of
keeping himself and everybody else to the precise matter in hand, that
once, during...
|
Longs And Shorts
There were two barristers at the Irish bar who formed a
singular contrast in their statures. Ninian Mahaffy, Esq., was as much
above the ...
|
Knowledge
The famous Duval, librarian to the Emperor Francis the First,
often used to reply to questions that were put to him, "I do not know." An
...
|
St. Louis
Louis IX., after his captivity among the Saracens, was, with
his queen and children, nearly shipwrecked on his return to France, some of
...
|
Magnanimous Rebel
Sir Phelim O'Neil, one of the leaders in the Irish
rebellion of 1641, while in prison, previous to his trial, was frequently
solicited, b...
|
Admiral Thurot
It has been said of the French naval commander Thurot,
that he was strictly honest in circumstances that made the exertion of
common hone...
|
The Chevalier Bayard
The town of Bresse having revolted against the
French, was attacked, taken, and sacked, with an almost unexampled fury.
The chevalier Bay...
|
Hume
At a parliamentary dinner, Mr. Plunkett was asked if Mr. Hume did
not annoy him by his broad speeches. "No," replied he, "it is the _lengt...
|
The Slave Trade
In one of the last discussions on the slave trade, Sir
Charles Pole said, "while he deprecated the motion (for the abolition), he
rejoice...
|
Father Bernard
His patience was such as no circumstances, however
offensive, could subdue. One day he presented a petition in favour of an
unfortunate p...
|
A Polite Mayor
At the time when Queen Elizabeth was making one of her
progresses through the kingdom, a mayor of Coventry, attended by a large
cavalcade...
|
A French Mayor
A mayor of a small village in France, having occasion to
give a passport to a distinguished personage in his neighbourhood who was
blind ...
|
Carving
An accomplished gentleman, when carving a tough goose, had the
misfortune to send it entirely out of the dish, and into the lap of the
la...
|
Fouche
Napoleon sent for Fouche one day, in a great rage, told him that
he was a fool, and not fit to be at the head of the police, as he was qui...
|
Vendean Servant
An unexampled instance of self-devotion and presence of
mind was manifested by a maidservant, during the war in La Vendee. "The
wife of L...
|
The Gendarmes And The Priest
During the Revolution a priest took refuge
in the house of a farmer. Some gendarmes having heard of it came one
evening to the house. The...
|
The Marquess Del Campo
When the attempt was made upon the life of George
III., by Margaret Nicholson, who attempted to stab him as he was going to
St. James's t...
|
Miss Bailly
A few days before the battle of Falkirk, so disastrous to the
English army, Lord Loudon made a bold attempt to seize the Pretender at
Moy...
|
Servant At Noyon
Some years ago, an instance of humanity and presence of
mind occurred at a place called Noyon, in France, which well deserves to be
comme...
|
A Quarter Of An Hour
When Lord Nelson was leaving London, on his last,
but glorious, expedition against the enemy, a quantity of cabin furniture
was ordered t...
|
Sir W. Scott
A gentleman who, in the year 1826, travelled with Sir Walter
Scott in the coach from Edinburgh to Jedburgh, relates the following
anecdot...
|
Literary Pursuits
"We had performed half the journey," writes our
informant, "when Sir Walter started as from a dream, exclaiming: 'Oh, my
friend G----, I ...
|
Candid Robber
The duke of Ossuna, viceroy of Naples, once visited the
galleys, and passing through the prisoners, he asked several of them what
their o...
|
Ingenious Contrivance
Many years ago, when stagecoaches were not
unfrequently attacked by highwaymen, a party was once travelling on a
lonely road, when one of...
|
Reclaimed Felons
The late Dr. Lettsom says, "I have been so happy as to
reform two highwaymen who had robbed me; and from this I think that few of
our fel...
|
The Wounded Sailor
When Admiral Benbow was a common sailor, his messmate,
who was stationed with him at the same gun, lost his leg by a cannon shot.
The poo...
|
Precedence
At a grand review of the fleet at Portsmouth by George III.,
in 1789, there was a boy who mounted the shrouds with so much agility, as
to...
|
An Odd Shot
An English frigate was obliged to strike to a French vessel
of superior force. The English captain, on resigning his sword, was
reproache...
|
A Child On Board
A child of one of the crew of His Majesty's ship
_Peacock_, during the action with the American vessel _Hornet_, occupied
himself in chas...
|
Grog
The British sailors had always been accustomed to drink their
allowance of brandy or rum pure, until Admiral Vernon ordered those under
h...
|
Navy Chaplains
When the Earl of Clancarty was captain of a man-of-war,
and was cruising on the coast of Guinea, he happened to lose his chaplain
by a fe...
|
Bishop And His Clerks
A fleet of merchant ships, on their return from
Spain, about three hundred years ago, were shipwrecked on the fatal rocks
on which Sir Cl...
|
Dey Of Algiers
When Admiral Keppel was sent to the Dey of Algiers, to
demand restitution of two ships which the pirates had taken, he sailed with
his sq...
|
A Timely Answer
When Admiral Cornwallis commanded the _Canada_, a mutiny
broke out in the ship, on account of some unavoidable delay in the clerks
paying...
|
Dr. Busby
A scholar of Dr. Busby went into a parlour where the Doctor had
laid down a fine bunch of grapes for his own eating, took it up, and said
...
|
An Appropriate Version
The late Dr. Adam, Rector of the Grammar School,
Edinburgh, was supposed by his scholars to exercise a strong partiality for
such as were...
|
A Choice
At a recent examination at Marlborough House Grammar School, a
piece written for the occasion, entitled "Satan's Address to Nena Sahib,"
...
|
The Schoolmaster Abroad
A young woman meeting her former fellow-servant,
was asked how she liked her place. "Very well."--"Then you have nothing to
complain of?"...
|
A Soldier's Wife
The late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper
to seek out for a new laundress, a decent-looking woman was recommended to
the si...
|
Equality In Danger
The French General, Cherin, was once conducting a
detachment through a very difficult defile. He exhorted his soldiers to
endure patientl...
|
Brief Explanation
A French colonel, in taking a redoubt from the Russians
on the Moskwa, lost twelve hundred of his men, more than one half of whom
remaine...
|
Death Of A Hero
At the battle of Malplaquet, in 1709, Marshal Villars was
dangerously wounded, and desired to receive the Holy Sacrament. Being
advised t...
|
Magdeline De Savoie
Anne Duc de Montmorenci, who was prime minister and
great constable of France during the reigns of Francis I., Henry II.,
Francis II., an...
|
A Relay Of Legs
Rivardes, a Piedmontese, had attached himself to the
house of France, and was much esteemed as a soldier. He had lost one of his
legs, an...
|
Quartering
At an election for Shrewsbury, in the reign of George I., a
half-pay officer, who was a nonresident burgess, was, with some other
voters,...
|
Seeking For A Ball
The Count de Grance being wounded in the knee with a
musket ball, the surgeons made many incisions. At last, losing patience, he
asked th...
|
Turenne
In the year 1675, the Council of Vienna sent Montecuculi to
oppose Turenne, as the only officer that was thought to be a match for him.
B...
|
Generosity Of Turenne
The deputies of a great metropolis in Germany, once
offered the great Turenne one hundred thousand crowns not to pass with his
army throu...
|
A Neat Reply
In certain debates in the House of Lords, in 1718, the bills
proposed were opposed by Bishop Atterbury, who said, "he had prophesied
last...
|
A Test
A cobbler at Leyden, who used to attend the public disputations
held at the academy, was once asked if he understood Latin? "No," replied
...
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Spare Moments
The great French Chancellor D'Aguesseau carefully employed
every moment of his time. Observing that Madame D'Aguesseau always delayed
ten...
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Dr. Pepusch
"In one of my visits, very early in life, to that venerable
master, Dr. Pepusch," says Dr. Burney, "he gave me a short lesson, which
made...
|
A Tiresome Companion
The celebrated George Selwyn was once travelling,
and was interrupted by the frequent impertinence of a companion, who was
constantly tea...
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Charles Lamb
A farmer, by chance a companion in a coach with Charles
Lamb, kept boring him to death with questions, in the jargon of
agriculturists, a...
|
Clans
An English gentleman travelling through the Highlands, came to the
inn of Letter Finlay, in the braes of Lochaber. He saw no person near t...
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Welcome Sight
A writer of a modern book of travels, relating the
particulars of his being cast away, thus concludes: "After having walked
eleven hours ...
|
Camp Dinner
During the war, in which the eccentric Count Schaumbourg
Lippe commanded the artillery in the army of Prince Frederick of Brunswick,
agai...
|
A Ragged Regiment
In 1690, the French attacked and defeated the Prince of
Waldeck at Fleurus. During this action, a lieutenant-colonel of a French
regiment...
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The Ladies Of Beauvais
Charles the Bold, Duke of Burgundy, laid siege to
the City of Beauvais in the year 1472. After investing it closely for
twenty-one days, ...
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Gonsalvo Of Cordova
In an engagement which the Spaniards fought under
Gonsalvo of Cordova, their powder-magazine was blown up by the first
discharge of the e...
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Algerine Captain
Louis XIV., who had once bombarded Algiers, ordered the
Marquess du Quesne to bombard it a second time, in order to punish the
treachery ...
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Marshal Boufflers
A few days previous to the battle of Malplaquet, it was
publicly talked of at Versailles, that a very important battle would soon
take pl...
|
War By Candle Light
Shortly after the commencement of the last Peninsular
war, a tax was laid on candles, which, as a political economist would
prove, made t...
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A Noble Enemy
When the _Laura_ and _Andromeda_ frigates were wrecked in a
violent hurricane in the West Indies, on the coast of the Martinique,
thirty-...
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French Grenadier
During the assault of Thurot on the town of
Carrickfergus in 1760, an incident took place, reflecting at once the
highest lustre on the s...
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George I
During the siege of Fort St. Philip, a young lieutenant of
marines was so unfortunate as to lose both his legs by a chain-shot. In
this m...
|
Charles Vi
At the breaking out of the war against the Turks, in the year
1717, the Emperor Charles VI. of Austria took leave of his general, Prince
...
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George The Second
It was once found an impracticable task to make George
the Second acquiesce in a judgment passed by a court-martial on the conduct
of two...
|
Ximenes
At the siege of Oran, in Africa, Cardinal Ximenes led the Spanish
troops to the breach, mounted on a charger, dressed in his pontifical
r...
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An Odd Grenadier
During the famous siege of Gibraltar, in the absence of
the fleet, and when an attack was daily expected, one dark night, a
sentinel, who...
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Dunning
The witty Lord Ross, having spent all his money in London, set
out for Ireland, in order to recruit his purse. On his way, he happened to
...
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Steele & Addison
A gentleman who was dining with another, praised the
meat very much, and asked who was the butcher? "His name is
Addison."--"Addison!" ec...
|
A Tedious Preacher
Mr. Canning was once asked by an English clergyman how
he liked the sermon he had preached before him. "Why, it was a short
sermon," quot...
|
Charity Sermon
Sydney Smith, preaching a charity sermon, frequently
repeated the assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were most
distinguished for ...
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Pope The Poet
This celebrated poet is said to have been once severely
retorted upon. A question arose in company respecting the reading of a
passage wi...
|
Estimate Of Greatness
Pope was with Sir Godfrey Kneller one day, when his
nephew, a Guinea trader, came in. "Nephew," said Sir Godfrey, "you have the
honour of...
|
The Two Smith's
A gentleman took lodgings in the same house with James
Smith, one of the celebrated authors of the "Rejected Addresses." His name
was als...
|
An Appropriate Successor
Clerambault, who was deformed, was elected to
succeed La Fontaine in the French Academy. On that occasion it was said
that "La Fontaine w...
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Erskine
Lord Kellie was amusing the company with an account of a sermon
he had heard in Italy, in which the preacher related the miracle of St.
A...
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Memory
A humorous comment on this system of artificial memory was made by
a waiter at an hotel where Feinaigle dined, after having given his lect...
|
Parisian Rag-picker
An old chiffonnier (or rag picker) died in Paris in a
state apparently of the most abject poverty. His only relation was a niece,
who liv...
|
Integrity
A Parisian stock-broker, just before his death, laid a wager on
parole with a rich capitalist; and a few weeks after his death, the latter...
|
Costume Of The Sisters Of Charity
The Sisters of St. Vincent de Paul, at
the time of their re-establishment in their house, in the _Rue du Vieux
Colombier_, after the Revo...
|
China-ware
An English gentleman wanting a dessert-service of porcelain
made after a particular pattern, sent over to China a specimen dish,
ordering...
|
Dreaming
It is a custom among the Canadian Indians, that when one dreams
that another has rendered him any service, the person dreamed of thinks it...
|
Edinburgh
In a debate upon some projected improvement of the streets of
Edinburgh, the Dean of Faculty wittily said that the _forwardness_ of the
c...
|
Maclaurin
This celebrated Professor of Mathematics in Edinburgh College,
and the able expounder of Newton's _Principia_, always dislocated his jaw,
...
|
William Iii. And St. Evremond
William was so little of a man of letters,
that on the celebrated French writer, St. Evremond, being presented to him
at St. James's, his...
|
Music And Politics
Dr. Wise, the musician, being requested to subscribe
his name to a petition against an expected prorogation of Parliament in the
reign of...
|
Sion College
Upon the recovery of George III. in 1789, the librarian and
others connected with Sion College were at a loss what device or motto to
sel...
|
Sheridan
This distinguished wit, upon being asked by a young member of
parliament how he first succeeded in establishing his fame as an orator,
re...
|
Sheridan
The father of the celebrated Sheridan was one day descanting on
the pedigree of his family, regretting that they were no longer styled
O'...
|
Sterne
Sterne used to relate a circumstance which happened to him at
York. After preaching at the cathedral, an old woman whom he observed
sitti...
|
Sporting
Burton, in his "Anatomie of Melancholy," tells us of a physician
in Milan, who kept a house for the reception of lunatics, and by way of
...
|
An American Heroine
During the summer of 1787, writes Mr. McClung, in his
Sketches of Western Adventure, "The house of Mr. John Merrill, of Nelson
County, Ke...
|
Another
The subject of this anecdote was a sister of General Isaac
Worrell. She died two or three years since in Philadelphia. The following
trib...
|
In July, 1849
"The deceased was one of those devoted women who aided to
relieve the horrible sufferings of Washington's army at Valley
Forge--cooking a...
|
Irish Humour
|
His Birth
Dr. Jonathan Swift, Dean of St. Patrick's, was born A.D. 1667,
in Hoey's Court, Dublin, the fourth house, right hand side, as you ente...
|
Singular Event
When Swift was a year old, an event happened to him that seems very
unusual; for his nurse, who was a woman of Whitehaven, being under...
|
A Certificate Of Marriage
Swift, in one of his pedestrian journeys from London towards Chester, is
reported to have taken shelter from a summer tempest under a ...
|
Grace After Dinner
Swift was once invited by a rich miser with a large party to dine; being
requested by the host to return thanks at the removal of the ...
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The Three Crosses
Swift in his journeys on foot from Dublin to London, was accustomed to
stop for refreshments or rest at the neat little ale-houses at ...
|
To The Landlord
There hang three crosses at thy door:
Hang up thy wife, and she'll make four.
...
|
Chief Justice Whitshed
Swift, in a letter to Pope, thus mentions the conduct of this worthy
Chief Justice:--
I have written in this kingdom a discourse to...
|
Chief Justice Whitshed's Motto On His Coach
Libertas et natale solum.
Liberty and my native country.
Libertas et natale solum;
Fine words! I wonder where you ...
|
On The Same Upright Chief Justice Whitshed
In church your grandsire cut his throat:
To do the job too long he tarried,
He should have had my hearty vote,
T...
|
To Quilca
This was a country house of Dr. Sheridan's, where Swift and some of his
friends spent a summer in the year 1725, and being in very bad...
|
Mr Pulteney
Swift says, in a letter to Mr. Pulteney: I will do an unmannerly thing,
which is to bequeath you an epitaph for forty years hence, in ...
|
Resolutions When I Come To Be Old
These resolutions seem to be of that kind which are easily formed, and
the propriety of which we readily admit at the time we make the...
|
Miss Bennet
This lady was a celebrated beauty in her day, and often mentioned by
Swift. Dr. Arbuthnot thus speaks of her in one of his letters: Am...
|
The Feast Of O'rourke
Swift had been heard to say more than once that he should like to pass a
few days in the county of Leitrim, as he was told that the na...
|
Swift's Behavior At Table
Swift's manner of entertaining his guests, and his behavior at table,
were curious. A frequent visitor thus described them: He placed ...
|
Countess Of Burlington
Swift was dining one day with the Earl of Burlington soon after his
lordship's marriage, when that nobleman, expecting some diversion ...
|
Swift's Political Principles
In a letter to Pope, alluding to the days when he took part in politics,
he thus expresses himself:--
I had likewise in those days ...
|
Swift's Charity
One cold morning a poor ancient woman sat at the deanery steps a
considerable time, during which the dean saw her through a window, an...
|
Public Absurdities In Ireland
Among the public absurdities in Ireland, Swift notices the insurance
office against fire; the profits of which to the amount of severa...
|
Swift's Peculiarity Of Humor
Trifles become of some consequence when connected with a great name, or
when they throw any light on a distinguished character. Spence...
|
Dr Bolton
Dr. Theophilus Bolton was not only a learned divine, but a very fine
gentleman. His merit as a preacher was so eminent that it was ear...
|
The Scriblerus Club
Before Swift retired to Ireland, Mr. Pope, Dr. Arbuthnot, Mr. Gay, Mr.
Parnell, Mr. Jervas, and Swift formed themselves into a society...
|
The Upstart
There was one character which, through life, always kindled Swift's
indignation, the haughty, presuming, tyrannizing upstart! A person...
|
Meditation Upon A Broomstick
This single stick, which you now behold ingloriously lying in that
neglected corner, I once knew in a flourishing state in a forest; i...
|
Cossing A Dog
In a humorous paper written in 1732, entitled, An Examination of
certain Abuses, Corruptions, and Enormities in the city of Dublin,
S...
|
Trade Of Ireland
Swift being one day at a sheriffs feast, among other toasts the chairman
called out, Mr. Dean, the Trade of Ireland. The Dean answered...
|
A Beggar's Wedding
As Swift was fond of scenes in low life, he missed no opportunity of
being present at them when they fell in his way. Once when he was...
|
The Pies
Swift, in passing through the county of Cavan, called at a homely but
hospitable house, where he knew he should be well received. The ...
|
Short Charity Sermon
The Dean once preached a charity sermon in St. Patrick's Cathedral,
Dublin, the length of which disgusted many of his auditors; which,...
|
A Courtier's Retort
While the prosecution for the Draper's fourth letter was depending,
Swift one day waited at the Castle for an audience of Lord Cartere...
|
Lying
Swift could not bear to have any lies told him, which his natural
shrewdness and knowledge of the world generally enabled him to detec...
|
Dr Sacheverell
Some time after the expiration of Dr. Sacheverell's punishment, having
been silenced three years from preaching, and his sermon ordere...
|
Taxing The Air
Lady Carteret, wife of the Lord Lieutenant, said to Swift, The air of
Ireland is very excellent and healthy. For God's sake, madam, sa...
|
Wisdom
Wisdom (said the Dean) is a fox, who, after long hunting, will at last
cost you the pains to dig out: it is a cheese, which, by how mu...
|
Epitaph On Judge Boat
Here lies Judge Boat within a coffin,
Pray, gentlefolks, forbear your scoffin';
A Boat a judge! yes, where's the blunder
...
|
On Stephen Duck The Thresher And Favorite Poet
The thresher Duck could o'er the Queen prevail,
The proverb says, no fence against a flail.
From threshing corn he turns ...
|
Dialogue Between Swift And His Landlord
The three towns of Navan, Kells, and Trim, which lay in Swift's route on
his first journey to Laracor, seem to have deeply arrested hi...
|
Roger Cox
What perhaps contributed more than any thing to Swift's enjoyment, was
the constant fund of amusement he found in the facetious humor ...
|
Roger And The Poultry
There happened, while Swift was at Laracor, the sale of a farm and
stock, the farmer being dead. Swift chanced to walk past during the...
|
Kelly The Blacksmith
Although Roger took the lead, he did not monopolize all the wit, of the
parish. It happened that Swift, having been dining at some lit...
|
Birth-day Presents
It was for many years a regular custom with Swift's most intimate
friends to make him some presents on his birth day. On that occasion...
|
Verses Left With A Silver Standish On The Dean's Desk By Dr Delany
Hither from Mexico I came,
To serve a proud Iernian dame;
Was long submitted to her will,
At length she lost me at Q...
|
Verses By Swift On The Occasion
A paper Book is sent by Boyle,
Too neatly gilt for me to soil:
Delany sends a Silver Standish,
When I no more a pen ...
|
The Dean's Contributory Dinner
Dean Swift once invited to dinner several of the first noblemen and
gentlemen in Dublin. A servant announced the dinner, and the Dean ...
|
Swift And Bettesworth
Dean Swift having taken a strong dislike to Sergeant Bettesworth,
revenged himself by the following lines in one of his poems:
...
|
Swift Among The Lawyers
Dean Swift having preached an assize sermon in Ireland, was invited to
dine with the Judges; and having in his sermon considered the u...
|
Preaching Patriotism
Dean Swift is said to have jocularly remarked, that he never preached
but twice in his life, and then they were not sermons, but pamph...
|
Swift And His Butler
During the publication of the Drapers Letters, Swift was particularly
careful to conceal himself from being known as the author. The o...
|
His Saturnalia
Dean Swift, among other eccentricities, determined upon having a feast
once a year, in imitation of the Saturnalia in ancient Rome. In...
|
The Dean And Faulkner
George Faulkner, the Dublin printer, once called on Dean Swift on his
return from London, dressed in a rich coat of silk brocade and g...
|
Swift Arbuthnot And Parnell
Swift, Arbuthnot, and Parnell, taking the advantage of a fine frosty
morning, set out together upon a walk to a little place which Lor...
|
Dean Swift And The Preacher Who Stole His Sermon
The eccentric Dean Swift, in the course of one of those journies to
Holyhead, which, it is well known, he several times performed on f...
|
Swift's Queer Testimonial To His Servant
Dean Swift, standing one morning at the window of his study, observed a
decent old woman offer a paper to one of his servants, which t...
|
Swift At Thomastown
Dean Swift had heard much of the hospitable festivities of Thomastown,
the seat of Mr. Matthew (See Anecdotes of Conviviality), from h...
|
Swift's Last Lines
In one of those lucid intervals which varied the course of Swift's
unhappy lunacy, his guardians or physicians took him out to give hi...
|
His Birth
John Philpot Curran was born at Newmarket, a small village in
the county of Cork, on the 24th of July, 1750. His father, James Curran,...
|
Curran As Punch's Man
Curran's first effort in public commenced when a boy in the droll
character of Mr. Punch's man. It occurred in this way: One of the
p...
|
Curran At A Debating Society
Curran's account of his introduction and debut at a debating society,
is the identical first appearance of hundreds. Upon the first of...
|
Curran And The Banker
A Limerick banker, remarkable for his sagacity, had an iron leg. His
leg, said Curran is the softest part about him.
...
|
His Duel With St Leger
Curran was employed at Cork to prosecute a British officer of the name
of St. Leger, for an assault upon a Catholic clergyman. St. Leg...
|
The Monks Of The Screw
This was the name of a club that met on every Saturday during term in a
house in Kevin-street, and had for its members Curran, Grattan...
|
Lord Avonmore
Curran was often annoyed when pleading before Lord Avonmore, owing to
his lordship's habit of being influenced by first impressions. H...
|
His First Client
When Curran was called to the bar, he was without friends, without
connections, without fortune, conscious of talents far above the mo...
|
Curran And The Informer
The following is an extract from Curran's speech delivered before a
committee of the house of Lords, against the Bill of attainder on ...
|
Lord Clare
One day when it was known that Curran had to make an elaborate argument
in Chancery, Lord Clare brought a large Newfoundland dog upon ...
|
Curran's Eloquence
In a debate on attachments in the Irish House of Commons, in 1785, Mr.
Curran rose to speak against them; and perceiving Mr. Fitzgibbo...
|
Scene Between Fitzgibbon And Curran In The Irish Parliament
Mr. Fitzgibbon (afterwards Lord Clare) rose and said:--The politically
insane gentleman has asserted much, but he only emitted some ef...
|
His Defence Of Archibald Hamilton Rowan
The following extracts, commencing with a description of Mr. Rowan, will
be found interesting:
Gentlemen, let me suggest another ob...
|
Encounter With A Fishwoman
There was a fishwoman in Cork who was more than a match for the whole
fraternity of her order. She could only be matched by Mrs. Scutc...
|
Curran And Lord Erskine
Dr. Crolly, in speaking of the two great forensic orators of the day,
draws a comparison between the circumstances under which both ad...
|
His Duel With Bully Egan
When Curran and Bully Egan met on the ground, the latter complained of
the advantage his antagonist had over him, and declared that he...
|
The Serenading Lover
In the very zenith of Curran's professional career, he was consulted in
a case of extremely novel character, which arose out of the fo...
|
Employment Of Informers
I speak not of the fate of those horrid wretches who have been so often
transferred from the table to the dock, and from the dock to t...
|
Curran And The Farmer
A farmer attending a fair with a hundred pounds in his pocket, took the
precaution of depositing it in the hands of the landlord of th...
|
Curran And The Judge
Soon after Mr. Curran had been called to the bar, on some statement of
Judge Robinson's, the young counsel observed, that he had never...
|
Curran's Quarrel With Fitzgibbon
Curran distinguished himself not more as a barrister than as a member of
parliament; and in the latter character it was his misfortune...
|
High Authority
Curran was once engaged in a legal argument; behind him stood his
colleague, a gentleman whose person was remarkably tall and slender,...
|
Use Of Red Tape
Curran, when Master of the Rolls, said to Mr. Grattan, You would be the
greatest man of your age, Grattan, if you would buy a few yard...
|
Curran And The Mastiff
Curran used to relate with infinite humor an adventure between him and a
mastiff, when he was a boy. He had heard somebody say that an...
|
Arthur O'leary
Arthur O'Leary was born in the year 1729, at Acres in the
parish of Fanlobbus, near Dunmanway, in the western part of the County
of...
|
His Controversy With An Infidel
Some time in the year 1775, a book was published, the title of which
was--Thoughts on Nature and Religion, which contained much gross
...
|
His Interview With Dr Mann
Before he entered into a controversy with Doctor Blair, he deemed it
prudent, owing to the state of sufferance in which Catholic pries...
|
Controversy With John Wesley
Wesley published in January, 1786, what he called, A Letter containing
the Civil Principles of Roman Catholics; also, a Defence of the...
|
Meeting Of O'leary And Wesley
In a short time after this controversy had concluded, the parties met
at the house of a mutual friend. Their different publications we...
|
Dr O'leary And Father Callanan
Dr. O'Leary, though with great talents for a controversialist, always
sedulously avoided the angry theme of religious disputation. Onc...
|
O'leary And The Quakers
In his Plea for Liberty of Conscience, Father O'Leary pays the
following high tribute to that sect:--
The Quakers, said he, to thei...
|
His Reception At The Rotundo By The Volunteers
It was impossible that the high and distinguished claims to respect and
esteem which O'Leary possessed, should escape unnoticed by the...
|
O'leary And John O'keefe
In the Recollections of John O'Keefe, the following anecdote is
related:--
In 1775 I was in company with Father O'Leary, at the hou...
|
O'leary And The Irish Parliament
On the 26th February, 1782, the following interesting debate took place,
the subject under consideration being a clause in the Catholi...
|
His Interview With Daniel Danser
Father O'Leary, when in London, had a great desire to see Daniel Danser;
but finding access to the king of misers very difficult, inve...
|
A Fop
The two-edged sword of wit, as that faculty has been termed, was
wielded by O'Leary in the more serious circumstances of life, as well...
|
His Person And Mode Of Argument
Mr. Butler, in his Historical Memoirs, describes O'Leary's person and
mode of argument thus:--
The appearance of Father O'Leary was...
|
O'leary And Captain Rock
In Tom Moore's Memoirs of Captain Rock, the outlaw gives the following
humorous sketch:--
The appearance of Father Arthur at our li...
|
Lots Drawn To Have Him At Dinner
In 1779, O'Leary visited Dublin on business connected with a bill before
parliament, which aimed at the destruction of the friars. Dur...
|
O'leary And The Rector
A Protestant rector invited O'Leary to see his parish church, a building
remarkable for its architectural beauty. While the friar was ...
|
Lady Morgan
Lady Morgan, in her Wild Irish Girl, speaking of Father John,
chaplain of the Prince of Coolavin, says:--Father John was modelled on
...
|
A Batch Of Interesting Anecdotes
In his Personal Sketches, Sir Jonah Barrington gives us a portrait of
Father O'Leary:--
I frequently had an opportunity of meeting ...
|
A Dog's Religion
One day, while walking in the suburbs of the city of Cork, he met the
Rev. Mr. Flack, a Protestant clergyman, and Mr. Solomons, a Jew-...
|
Howard The Philanthropist And Mr Henry Shears
About this time it was, says his biographer, that the philanthropist
Howard, led by his benevolent enthusiasm to fathom dungeons, vind...
|
His Habits Of Study--his Influence
In the midst of the cares and distractions, says his biographer, to
which the active duties of the ministry subjected O'Leary, he stil...
|
Edmond Burke
On Father O'Leary's arrival in London he was anxiously sought after by
his countrymen residing in that capital, who all felt gratified...
|
His Charity
Like Dean Swift, Father O'Leary relieved, every Monday morning, a number
of reduced roomkeepers and working men. The average of his we...
|
O'leary Versus Curran
In the Reminiscences of the celebrated singer and composer, Michael
Kelly, the following interesting anecdotes are given: I had the
p...
|
His Triumph Over Dr Johnson
O'Leary told us of a whimsical triumph which he once enjoyed over the
celebrated Dr. Johnson. O'Leary was very anxious to be introduce...
|
A Nolle Prosequi
At the time that Barry Yelverton was Attorney-General, himself and
O'Leary, while enjoying the beauties of Killarney, had the rare for...
|
The Prince Of Wales
George the Fourth, when Prince of Wales, frequently had as guests at his
table Sheridan, Grattan, Curran, Flood, and Father O'Leary. C...
|
The Closing Scenes Of His Life
The disturbances, says his biographer, by which Ireland was convulsed
in 1798 pained O'Leary's mind. The efforts made by the tools of ...
|
Darby Moran
O'Connell in his celebrated speech in defence of the Rev. T. Maguire,
relates the following story, in which the reader will not fail t...
|
A Dead Man With Life In Him
It was difficult for O'Connell, even at an advanced period of his
professional career, to exhibit those powers as an advocate, which w...
|
A Young Judge Done
In the course of his attendance at an Assizes in Cork, he was counsel in
a case in which his client was capitally charged, and was so ...
|
O'connell And A Snarling Attorney
O'Connell could be seen to greatest advantage in an Irish court of
justice. There he displayed every quality of the lawyer and the
ad...
|
His Encounter With Biddy Moriarty
One of the drollest scenes of vituperation that O'Connell ever figured
in took place in the early part of his life. Not long after he ...
|
O'connell And A Bilking Client
He used to lodge, when at Cork, at a stationer's of the name of O'Hara,
in Patrick-street, one of the principal thoroughfares of the c...
|
Sow-west And The Wigs
The following humorous scene took place in the Court-house,
Green-street, Dublin:
The city of Dublin was often contested by Mr. Joh...
|
Election And Railway Dinners
O'Connell's enormous appetite often excited surprise. He ate a
prodigious quantity, even for a man of such large frame. At one of the
...
|
Scene At Killiney
O'Connell was a capital actor, and his dramatic delivery of a common
remark was often highly impressive. Many years since, he went dow...
|
An Insolent Judge
The judges themselves often came in for a share of his animadversions,
when he deemed their judicial or other conduct deserved public ...
|
A Witness Cajoled
O'Connell knew so intimately the habits and character of the humbler
class, that he was able, by cajolery or intimidation, to coerce t...
|
His Duel With Captain D'esterre
When O'Connell found the Government determined to strain the Convention
Act to the utmost, and not permit the existence of any delegat...
|
O'connell And Secretary Goulburn
Mr. Goulburn, while Secretary for Ireland, visited Killarney, when
O'Connell (then on circuit) happened to be there. Both stopped at F...
|
Entrapping A Witness
An illustration of his dexterity in compassing an unfortunate culprit's
acquittal may be here narrated.
He was employed in defendin...
|
Gaining Over A Jury
At a Cork Assizes, many years ago, he was employed in an action of
damages, for diverting a stream from its regular channel, or divert...
|
Paddy And The Parson
In June, 1832, O'Connell addressed a meeting of the Political Union of
the London working classes. In his address, he humorously and
...
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A Martial Judge
In Court his usual mirth and ready wit never failed him; and he kept
the bar and listening by-standers in constant hilarity. He made a...
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Retentive Memory
At Darrynane, he was sitting one morning, surrounded by country people,
some asking his advice, some his assistance, others making the...
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A Political Hurrah At A Funeral
Ascending the mountain road between Dublin and Glencullen, in company
with an English friend, O'Connell was met by a funeral. The mour...
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Refusal Of Office
In 1838, on the morning when O'Connell received from the Government the
offer to be appointed Lord Chief Baron, he walked over to the ...
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A Mistaken Frenchman
When travelling in France, during the time of his sojourn at St. Omer's,
O'Connell encountered a very talkative Frenchman, who incessa...
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Epistolary Bores
The number of letters received by O'Connell upon trivial subjects was
sufficient to try his patience, as the following will show:--
...
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Sir R Peel's Opinion Of O'connell
Sir Robert Peel is said to have expressed his high appreciation of
O'Connell's parliamentary abilities. While the Reform Bill was unde...
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Jests
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The Rising Son
POPE dining once with Frederic, Prince of Wales, paid the prince many
compliments. I wonder, Pope, said the prince, that you, who are ...
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Something For Dr Darwin
SIR WATKIN WILLIAMS WYNNE talking to a friend about the antiquity of his
family, which he carried up to Noah, was told that he was a m...
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A Bad Example
A CERTAIN noble lord being in his early years much addicted to
dissipation, his mother advised him to take example by a gentleman,
wh...
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A Confirmed Invalid
A POOR woman, who had attended several confirmations, was at length
recognized by the bishop. Pray, have I not seen you here before? s...
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Comparisons Are Odious
LORD CHANCELLOR HARDWICK'S bailiff, having been ordered by his lady to
procure a sow of a particular description, came one day into th...
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An Inscription On Inscriptions
THE following lines were written on seeing a farrago of rhymes that had
been scribbled with a diamond on the window of an inn:--
...
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No Harm Done
A MAN of sagacity, being informed of a serious quarrel between two of
his female relations, asked the persons if in their quarrels eit...
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Bearding A Barber
A HIGHLANDER, who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow to
get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after hav...
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Changing His Coat
A WEALTHY merchant of Fenchurch Street, lamenting to a confidential
friend that his daughter had eloped with one of his footmen, concl...
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Good Advice
LADY ---- spoke to the butler to be saving of an excellent cask of small
beer, and asked him how it might be best preserved. I know no...
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New Relationship
A STRANGER to law courts hearing a judge call a sergeant brother,
expressed his surprise. Oh, said one present, they are
brothers--br...
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A Small Inheritance
IT was the habit of Lord Eldon, when Attorney-General, to close his
speeches with some remarks justifying his own character. At the tr...
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A Difference
JERROLD one day met a Scotch gentleman, whose name was Leitch, and who
explained that he was not the popular caricaturist, John Leech....
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The Light Subject
THE government, having threatened to proceed rigorously against those
who refused to pay the assessed taxes, offered to them a remissi...
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Complimentary
LORD NORTH, who was very corpulent before a severe sickness, said to his
physician after it, Sir, I am obliged to you for introducing ...
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A Fair Substitute
WHEN Lord Sandwich was to present Admiral Campbell, he told him, that
probably the king would knight him. The admiral did not much rel...
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A Constitutional Pun
DANIEL PURCELL, the famous punster, was desired to make a pun extempore.
Upon what subject? said Daniel. The king, answered the other....
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A Convert
A NOTORIOUS miser having heard a very eloquent charity sermon,
exclaimed, This sermon strongly proves the necessity of alms. I have
a...
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Incredible
SHERIDAN made his appearance one day in a pair of new boots; these
attracting the notice of some of his friends, Now guess, said he, h...
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All The Difference
IN a large party, one evening, the conversation turned upon young men's
allowance at college. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill-judging pa...
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Spiritual And Spirituous
DR. PITCAIRN had one Sunday stumbled into a Presbyterian church,
probably to beguile a few idle moments (for few will accuse that
gen...
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A Wonderful Woman
WHEN a late Duchess of Bedford was last at Buxton, and then in her
eighty-fifth year, it was the medical farce of the day for the facu...
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A Wise Son Who Knew His Own Father
SHERIDAN was very desirous that his son Tom should marry a young woman
of large fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won his son'...
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A Written Character
GEORGE III. having purchased a horse, the dealer put into his hands a
large sheet of paper, completely written over. What's this? said...
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Well Matched
DR. BUSBY, whose figure was beneath the common size, was one day
accosted in a public coffee-room by an Irish baronet of colossal
sta...
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A Pardonable Mistake
A BUTCHER of some eminence was lately in company with several ladies at
a game of whist, where, having lost two or three rubbers, one ...
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Three Causes
THREE gentlemen being in a coffee-house, one called for a dram, because
he was hot. Bring me another, says his companion, because I am...
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The Connoisseur
A PERSON to whom the curiosities, buildings, &c., in Oxford were shown
one very hot day, was asked by his companion if he would see th...
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A Symbol
A SATIRIC poet underwent a severe drubbing, and was observed to walk
ever afterwards with a stick. Mr. P. reminds me, says a wag, of s...
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The One Thing Wanting
IN a small party, the subject turning on matrimony, a lady said to her
sister, I wonder, my dear, you have never made a match; I think...
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A Horse Laugh
A COACHMAN, extolling the sagacity of one of his horses, observed, that
if anybody was to go for to use him ill, he would bear malice ...
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One Good Turn Deserves Another
DR. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to
reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the ...
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A Novel Complaint
A RICH man sent to call a physician for a slight disorder. The physician
felt his pulse, and said, Do you eat well?--Yes, said the pat...
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A Conjugal Caution
SIR GEORGE ETHEREGE, having run up a score at Lockit's, absented himself
from the ordinary. In consequence of this, Mrs. Lockit was se...
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A Portrait Capitally Executed
IN a bookseller's catalogue lately appeared the following article:
Memoirs of Charles the First,--with, a head capitally executed.
...
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Matter In His Madness
A LUNATIC in Bedlam was asked how he came there? He answered, By a
dispute.--What dispute? The bedlamite replied, The world said I was...
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Pleasant Invitation
SOME years ago, says Richardson, in his anecdotes of painting, a
gentleman came to me to invite me to his house. I have, says he, a
p...
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Well-bred Horse
HOW does your new-purchased horse answer? said the late Duke of
Cumberland to George Selwyn. I really don't know, replied George,
for...
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One For His Nob
A BARRISTER entered the hall with his wig very much awry, of which he
was not at all apprised, but was obliged to endure from almost e...
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Sound And Fury
A LADY, after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonato on
the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to th...
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Come Of Age
A YOUNG man met a rival who was somewhat advanced in years, and, wishing
to annoy him, inquired how old he was? I can't exactly tell, ...
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A Striking Notice
THE following admonition was addressed by a Quaker to a man who was
pouring forth a volley of ill language against him: Have a care,
...
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Up In The World
A FELLOW boasting in company of his family, declared even his own father
died in an exalted situation. Some of the company looking inc...
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Reverse Of Circumstances
WHEN General V---- was quartered in a small town in Ireland, he and his
lady were regularly besieged as they got into their carriage b...
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A Dogged Answer
BOSWELL, dining one day with Dr. Johnson, asked him if he did not think
that a good cook was more essential to the community than a go...
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Visible Darkness
A GENTLEMAN at an inn, seeing that the lights were so dim as only to
render the darkness visible, called out, Here, waiter, let me hav...
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Hic-cupping
A GENTLEMAN, at whose house Swift was dining in Ireland, after dinner
introduced remarkably small hock-glasses, and at length turning ...
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Words That Burn
DR. ROBERTSON observed, that Johnson's jokes were the rebukes of the
righteous, described in Scripture as being like excellent oil. Ye...
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Passing The Bottle
FOOTE being in company, and the wine producing more riot than concord,
he observed one gentleman so far gone in debate as to throw the...
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Junius Discovered
MR. ROGERS was requested by Lady Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis
whether he was the author of Junius. The poet approached the knight...
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A Weak Woman
A LOVING husband once waited on a physician to request him to prescribe
for his wife's eyes, which were very sore. Let her wash them, ...
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Too Many Cooks
ELWES, the noted miser, used to say, If you keep one servant, your
work is done; if you keep two, it is half done; and if you keep thr...
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Look In His Face
ADMIRAL LORD HOWE, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the
middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed h...
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Nothing But The Bill
JOHN HORNE TOOKE'S opinion upon the subject of law was admirable. Law,
he said, ought to be, not a luxury for the rich, but a remedy, ...
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An Extinguisher
WHILE Commodore Anson's ship, the Centurion, was engaged in close fight,
with the rich Spanish galleon, which he afterwards took, a sa...
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A Bad Shot
A COCKNEY being out one day amusing himself with shooting, happened to
fire through a hedge, on the other side of which was a man stan...
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Wise Precaution
IT is related of the great Dr. Clarke, that when in one of his leisure
hours he was unbending himself with a few friends in the most p...
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A Trump Card
AT one of the Holland-house Sunday dinner-parties, a year or two ago,
Crockford's Club, then forming, was talked of; and the noble hos...
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Mistaken Identity
A PHYSICIAN attending a lady several times, had received a couple of
guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him...
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Alone In His Glory
A FACETIOUS fellow having unwittingly offended a conceited puppy, the
latter told him he was no gentleman.--Are you a gentleman? asked...
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A Capital Letter
DR. LLOYD, Bishop of Worcester, so eminent for his prophecies, when by
his solicitations and compliance at court he got removed from a...
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A Good Parson
DR. HICKRINGAL, who was one of King Charles the Second's chaplains,
whenever he preached before his Majesty, was sure to tell him of h...
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Subtraction And Addition
A CHIMNEY-SWEEPER'S boy went into a baker's shop for a twopenny loaf,
and conceiving it to be diminutive in size, remarked to the bake...
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The Doctrine Of Chances
LORD KAMES used to relate a story of a man who claimed the honor of his
acquaintance on rather singular grounds. His lordship, when on...
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A Late Edition
IT was with as much delicacy as satire that Porson returned, with the
manuscript of a friend, the answer, That it would be read when H...
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Verses Written On A Window In The Highlands Of Scotland
SCOTLAND! thy weather's like a modish wife,
Thy winds and rains for ever are at strife;
So termagant awhile her thunder t...
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Three Touchstones
AN ancient sage uttered the following apothegm:--The goodness of gold
is tried by fire, the goodness of women by gold, and the goodnes...
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A Dialogue
Pope.
SINCE my old friend is grown so great,
As to be minister of state,
I'm told (but 'tis not true I hope)
...
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Bear And Van
THE facetious Mr. Bearcroft told his friend Mr. Vansittart, Your name
is such a long one, I shall drop the sittart, and call you Van f...
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Epitaph For Sir John Vanbrugh
LIE heavy on him, Earth! for he
Laid many heavy loads on thee!
...
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Proving Their Metal
WHEN the Prince of Orange, afterwards William the Third, came over to
this country, five of the seven bishops who were sent to the Tow...
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A Distant Prospect
THROUGH an avenue of trees, at the back of Trinity College, a church may
be seen at a considerable distance, the approach to which aff...
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Sound Sleeper
A MAN meeting his friend, said, I spoke to you last night in a
dream.--Pardon me, replied the other, I did not hear you.
...
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A Cheap Cure
PRAY, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for gout? asked an indolent and
luxurious citizen. Live upon sixpence a day, and earn it! was th...
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Epigram
YOU say, without reward or fee,
Your uncle cur'd me of a dang'rous ill;
I say he never did prescribe for me,
The...
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A Grammatical Distinction
SEVERAL young gentlemen once got up a play at Cambridge. On the day of
representation one of the performers took it into his head to m...
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A Banker's Check
ROGERS, when a certain M.P., in a review of his poems, said he wrote
very well for a banker, wrote, in return, the following:--
...
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A Fillip For Him
THE present Lord Chancellor remarked of a young barrister who had just
made a speech of more poetry than law, Poor young man, he has s...
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Black Oils
WHAT'S the matter? inquired a passer-by, observing a crowd collected
around a black fellow, whom an officer was attempting to secure, ...
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A Bad Crop
A SEEDSMAN being lately held to bail for using inflammatory language
respecting the Reform Bill, a wag observed, it was probably in th...
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A Grave Doctor
COUNSELLOR CRIPS being on a party at Castle-Martyr, one of the company,
a physician, strolled out before dinner into the churchyard. D...
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Waste Powder
DR. JOHNSON being asked his opinion of the title of a very small volume
remarkable for its pomposity, replied, That it was similar to ...
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The Saddle On The Right Horse
AS a man who, deeply involved in debt, was walking in the street with a
very melancholy air, one of his acquaintance asked him why he ...
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Black And White
DURING the short time that Lord Byron was in Parliament, a petition,
setting forth the wretched condition of the Irish peasantry, was ...
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Home Is Home
I LIVE in Julia's eyes, said an affected dandy in Colman's hearing. I
don't wonder at it, replied George; since I observed she had a s...
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A Light Study
AS a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights in
front of the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up to him an...
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A Climax
A VERY volatile young lord, whose conquests in the female world were
numberless, at last married. Now, my lord, said the countess, I h...
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Simple Division
WHEN the Earl of Bradford was brought before the Lord Chancellor, to be
examined upon application for a statute of lunacy against him,...
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Hero-phobia
WHEN George II. was once expressing his admiration of General Wolfe,
some one observed that the General was mad. Oh! he is mad, is he!...
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Lying Consistently
TWO old ladies, who were known to be of the same age, had the same
desire to keep the real number concealed; one therefore used upon a...
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Not Right
A PRISONER being called on to plead to an indictment for larceny, was
told by the clerk to hold up his right hand. The man immediately...
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Light-headed
DR. BURNEY, who wrote the celebrated anagram on Lord Nelson, after his
victory of the Nile, Honor est a Nilo (Horatio Nelson), was sho...
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He Lies Like Truth
A PERSON who had resided for some time on the coast of Africa was asked
if he thought it possible to civilize the natives. As a proof ...
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Hand And Glove
A DYER, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand, that
was all black; Take off your glove, friend, said the judge to h...
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Vast Domain
A GENTLEMAN having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to call
him the king of fools. I wish, said the fellow one day, you c...
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Money Returned
A LAWYER being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to
fools and madmen: being asked the reason for so doing; From such, ...
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Cheese And Dessert
TWO city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer's wife, and the other a
cheesemonger's, when they had risen up and took their departu...
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Very Pointed
SIR JOHN HAMILTON, who had severely suffered from the persecutions of
the law, used to say, that an attorney was like a hedgehog, it w...
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The Mixture As Before
A GENTLEMAN who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for
several days, desired to have a bill, and found a large quantity of...
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Computation
AN Irish counsellor having lost his cause, which had been tried before
three judges, one of whom was esteemed a very able lawyer, and ...
|
Primogeniture
AN Irish clergyman having gone to visit the portraits of the Scottish
kings in Holyrood House, observed one of the monarchs of a very ...
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Check To The King
ONE day James the Second, in the middle of his courtiers, made use of
this assertion: I never knew a modest man make his way at court....
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A Fall In Mitres
ONE of the wooden mitres, carved by Grinly Gibbons over a prebend's
stall in the cathedral church of Canterbury, happening to become l...
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False Delicacy
A PERSON, disputing with Peter Pindar, said, in great heat, that he did
not like to be thought a scoundrel. I wish, replied Peter, tha...
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A Bad Harvest
THERE was much sound palpable argument in the speech of a country lad to
an idler, who boasted his ancient family: So much the worse f...
|
Proof Impression
MR. BETHEL, an Irish barrister, when the question of the Union was in
debate, like all the junior barristers published pamphlets upon ...
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Neck Or Nothing
A RIGHT reverend prelate, himself a man of extreme good-nature, was
frequently much vexed in the spirit by the proud, froward, pervers...
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Arcadia
A FARM was lately advertised in a newspaper, in which all the beauty of
the situation, fertility of the soil, and salubrity of the air...
|
Quite Perfection
A PAINTER in the Waterloo Road had the following announcement displayed
on the front of his house: The Acme of Stencil! A learned Theb...
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The Late Mr Collins
COLLINS the poet, coming into a town the day after a young lady, of whom
he was fond, had left it, said, how unlucky he was that he ha...
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A Family Party
A CERTAIN lodging-house was very much infested by vermin. A gentleman
who slept there one night, told the landlady so in the morning, ...
|
Calf's Head Surprised
A STUPID person one day seeing a man of learning enjoying the pleasures
of the table, said, So, sir, philosophers, I see, can indulge ...
|
Popping The Question
A GIRL forced by her parents into a disagreeable match with an old man,
whom she detested, when the clergyman came to that part of the...
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Scandalous
IT was said of a great calumniator, and a frequenter of other person's
tables, that he never opened his mouth but at another man's exp...
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The Prince Of Orange And Judge Jefferies
WHEN Jefferies was told that the Prince of Orange would very soon land,
and that a manifesto, stating his inducements, objects, &c., w...
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Modest Request
A GENTLEMAN travelling, was accosted by a man walking along the road,
who begged the favor of him to put his great coat, which he foun...
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Cap This
SIR THOMAS MORE, the famous Chancellor, who preserved his humor and wit
to the last moment, when he came to be executed on Tower-hill,...
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A Pretty Metaphor
A YOUNG lady marrying a man she loved, and leaving many friends in town,
to retire with him into the country, Mrs. D. said prettily, S...
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On A Stone Thrown At A Very Great Man But Which Missed Him
TALK no more of the lucky escape of the head
From a flint so unluckily thrown;
I think very diff'rent, with thousands i...
|
A Man Of Letters
WHEN Mr. Wilkes was in the meridian of his popularity, a man in a
porter-house, classing himself as an eminent literary character, was...
|
Welsh Wig-ging
AN Englishman and a Welshman, disputing in whose country was the best
living, said the Welshman, There is such noble housekeeping in W...
|
A Sprig Of Shillalah
A FELLOW on the quay, thinking to quiz a poor Irishman, asked him,
How do the potatoes eat now, Pat? The Irish lad, who happened to ha...
|
Dog-matic
IN the great dispute between South and Sherlock, the latter, who was a
great courtier, said, His adversary reasoned well, but he barke...
|
False Quantity
A LEARNED counsel in the Exchequer spoke of a nolle prosequi.
Consider, sir, said Baron Alderson, that this is the last day of
term, ...
|
In Suspense
THE sloth, in its wild state, spends its life in trees, and never leaves
them but from force or accident. The eagle to the sky, the mo...
|
Porson's Visit To The Continent
SOON after Professor Porson returned from a visit to the Continent, at a
party where he happened to be present, a gentleman solicited ...
|
Artificial Heat
THE late Lord Kelly had a very red face. Pray, my lord, said Foote to
him, come and look over my garden-wall,--my cucumbers are very
...
|
Outward Appearance
MAN is a sort of tree which we are too apt to judge of by the bark.
...
|
The Two Smiths
A GENTLEMAN, with the same Christian and surname, took lodgings in the
same house with James Smith. The consequence was, eternal confu...
|
Sage Advice
THE advice given by an Irishman to his English friend, on introducing
him to a regular Tipperary row, was, Wherever you see a head, hi...
|
The Purser
LADY HARDWICKE, the lady of the Chancellor, loved money as well as he
did, and what he got she saved. The purse in which the Great Sea...
|
A Foreign Accent
WHEN Maurice Margarot was tried at Edinburgh for sedition, the Lord
Justice asked him, Hae you ony counsel, mon?--No.--Do you want to
...
|
New Way To Pay Old Debts
A PRISONER in The Fleet sent to his creditor to let him know that he had
a proposal to make, which he believed would be for their mutu...
|
Epigram
(On the column to the Duke of York's memory.)
IN former times the illustrious dead were burned,
Their hearts preserved in s...
|
Flattery Turned To Advantage
A DEPENDANT was praising his patron for many virtues which he did not
possess. I will do all in my power to prevent you lying, answere...
|
The Intruder Rebuked
JERROLD and some friends were dining in a private room at a tavern.
After dinner the landlord informed the company that the house was ...
|
Critical Politeness
A YOUNG author reading a tragedy, perceived his auditor very often pull
off his hat at the end of a line, and asked him the reason. I ...
|
A Good Place
A NOBLEMAN taking leave when going as ambassador, the king said to him,
The principal instruction you require is, to observe a line of...
|
A Cabal
THE attempt to run over the King of the French with a cab, looked like a
conspiracy to overturn monarchy by a common-wheel.
...
|
The Fire Of London
ONE speaking of the fire of London, said, Cannon Street roared, Bread
Street was burnt to a crust, Crooked Lane was burnt straight, Ad...
|
A Doubtful Compliment
THE speeches made by P---- are sound,
It cannot be denied;
Granted; and then it will be found,
They're little el...
|
An Honest Horse
A DEALER once, selling a nag to a gentleman, frequently observed, with
emphatic earnestness, that he was an honest horse. After the
p...
|
The Retort Cutting
BISHOPS SHERLOCK and HOADLY were both freshmen of the same year, at
Catherine Hall, Cambridge. The classical subject in which they wer...
|
Elegant Compliment
MR. HENRY ERSKINE, being one day in London, in company with the Duchess
of Gordon, said to her, Are we never again to enjoy the honor ...
|
A Love Song By Dean Swift
A PUD IN is almi de si re,
Mimis tres Ine ver require,
Alo veri find it a gestis,
His miseri ne ver at restis.
...
|
By The Same
MOLLIS abuti,
Has an acuti,
No lasso finis,
Molli divinis.
O mi de armis tres,
Imi nadis tres,
Cantu ...
|
A Happy Suggestion
WHEN Jenny Lind, the Swedish Nightingale, gave a concert to the
Consumption Hospital, the proceeds of which concert amounted to 1,776l...
|
Playing On A Word
LORD ORFORD was present in a large company at dinner, when Bruce, the
celebrated traveller, was talking in his usual style of exaggera...
|
An Eye To Profit
A PERSON speaking of an acquaintance, who, though extremely avaricious,
was always abusing the avarice of others, added, Is it not str...
|
Out Brief Candle
A VERY small officer struck an old grenadier of his company for some
supposed fault in performing his evolutions. The grenadier gravel...
|
Ai
A LEARNED barrister, quoting Latin verses to a brother wig, who did
not appear to understand them, added, Don't you know the lines? Th...
|
Qualifying For Bail
A GENTLEMAN once appeared in the Court of King's Bench to give bail in
the sum of 3,000l. Serjeant Davy, wanting to display his wit, s...
|
Barry's Powers Of Pleasing
SPRANGER BARRY, to his silver-toned voice, added all the powers of
persuasion. A carpenter, to whom he owed some money for work at the...
|
Epigram
IT is rumored that a certain Royal Duke has expressed a determination
never to shave until the Reform Bill is crushed entirely.--Court...
|
Sentence Of Death
THE following is a literal copy of a notice served by a worthy
inhabitant of Gravesend upon his neighbor, whose fowl had eaten his
pi...
|
Native Wit
JOHN was thought to be very stupid. He was sent to a mill one day, and
the miller said, John, some people say you are a fool! Now, tel...
|
Worth The Money
SIR ROBERT WALPOLE having misquoted a passage in Horace, Mr. Pulteney
said the honorable gentleman's Latin was as bad as his politics....
|
Suited To His Subject
THE ballot was, it seems, first proposed in 1795, by Major
Cart-wright, who somewhat appropriately wrote a book upon the
Common-Wheel...
|
Not _versus_ Nott
A GENTLEMAN of Maudlin, whose name was Nott, returning late from his
friend's rooms, attracted the attention of the proctor, who deman...
|
A Cockney Epigram
In Parliament, it's plain enough,
No reverence for age appears;
For they who hear each speaker's stuff,
Find the...
|
The Pink Of Politeness
LORD BERKELEY was once dining with Lord Chesterfield (the pink of
politeness) and a large party, when it was usual to drink wine until...
|
High And Low
I EXPECT six clergymen to dine with me on such a day, said a gentleman
to his butler. Very good, sir, said the butler. Are they High C...
|
City Love
IN making love let poor men sigh,
But love that's ready-made is better
For men of business;--so I,
If madam will...
|
Ingenious Reply Of A Soldier
A SOLDIER in the army of the Duke of Marlborough took the name of that
general, who reprimanded him for it. How am I to blame, general...
|
Lord Chesterfield
WHEN Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to
his late majesty as proper to fill a place of great trust, but w...
|
Special Pleading
WHEN a very eminent special pleader was asked by a country gentleman if
he considered that his son was likely to succeed as a special ...
|
On A New Duke
ASK you why gold and velvet bind
The temples of that cringing thief?
Is it so strange a thing to find
A toad ben...
|
The Zodiac Club
ON the occasion of starting a convivial club, somebody proposed that it
should consist of twelve members, and be called The Zodiac, ea...
|
Quin's Soliloquy On Seeing The Embalmed Body Of Duke
HUMPHREY, AT ST. ALBAN'S.
A PLAGUE on Egypt's arts, I say--
Embalm the dead--on senseless clay
Rich wine and s...
|
Striking Reproof
IT being reported that Lady Caroline Lamb had, in a moment of passion,
knocked down one of her pages with a stool, the poet Moore, to ...
|
A Pretty Picture
E---- taking the portrait of a lady, perceived that when he was working
at her mouth she was trying to render it smaller by contractin...
|
Unknown Tongue
DURING the long French war, two old ladies in Stranraer were going to
the kirk, the one said to the other, Was it no a wonderfu' thing...
|
Dunning And Lord Mansfield
WHILST the celebrated Mr. Dunning, afterwards Lord Ashburton, was at the
bar, he by his conduct did much to support the character and ...
|
Epigram
(A good word for Ministers.)
THE Whigs 'tis said have often broke
Their promises which end in smoke;
Thus their defe...
|
Changing His Line
A GENTLEMAN, inquiring of Jack Bannister respecting a man who had been
hanged, was told that he was dead. And did he continue in the g...
|
Tall And Short
AT an evening party, Jerrold was looking at the dancers. Seeing a very
tall gentleman waltzing with a remarkably short lady, he said t...
|
An Odd Comparison
SIR WILLIAM B---- being at a parish meeting, made some proposals, which
were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, Sir, says he to ...
|
On The Right Side
IT was said of one that remembered everything that he lent, but nothing
that he borrowed, that he had lost half of his memory.
...
|
Cause Of Absence
WHEN the late Lord Campbell married Miss Scarlett, and departed on his
wedding trip, Mr. Justice Abbott observed, when a cause was cal...
|
The Scold's Vocabulary
THE copiousness of the English language perhaps was never more apparent
than in the following character, by a lady, of her own husband...
|
A Familiar Illustration
A MEDICAL student under examination, being asked the different effects
of heat and cold, replied: Heat expands and cold contracts.--Qu...
|
Happiness
HAPPINESS grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in
strangers' gardens.
...
|
Transposing A Compliment
IT was said of a work (which had been inspected by a severe critic), in
terms which at first appeared very flattering, There is a grea...
|
A Handsome Contribution
A GENTLEMAN waited upon Jerrold one morning to enlist his sympathies in
behalf of a mutual friend, who was constantly in want of a rou...
|
Waste Of Time
AN old man of ninety having recovered from a very dangerous illness, his
friends congratulated him, and encouraged him to get up. Alas...
|
Scotch Simplicity
AT Hawick, the people used to wear wooden clogs, which made a clanking
noise on the pavement. A dying old woman had some friends by he...
|
Twofold Illustration
SIR FLETCHER NORTON was noted for his want of courtesy. When pleading
before Lord Mansfield on some question of manorial right, he cha...
|
Nat Lee And Sir Roger L'estrange
THE author of Alexander the Great, whilst confined in a madhouse, was
visited by Sir Roger L'Estrange, of whose political abilities Le...
|
Maids And Wives
WOMEN are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: once make
'em wives, and they lean their backs against their marriage
...
|
Dj
...
|
Tragedy Ms
LISTON, seeing a parcel lying on the table in the entrance-hall of Drury
Lane Theatre, one side of which, from its having travelled to...
|
A True Courtier
ONE day, when Sir Isaac Heard was in company with George III., it was
announced that his majesty's horse was ready for hunting. Sir Is...
|
Rare Virtue
THE paucity of some persons' good actions reminds one of Jonathan Wild,
who was once induced to be guilty of a good action, after full...
|
A Poser
A COXCOMB in a coffee-house boasted that he had written a certain
popular song, just as the true author entered the room. A friend of ...
|
A Sheepish Compliment
LORD COCKBURN, the proprietor of Bonaly, was sitting on the hillside
with a shepherd, and, observing the sheep reposing in the coldest...
|
Considerable Latitude
SIR RICHARD JEBB being called to see a patient who fancied himself very
ill, told him ingenuously what he thought, and declined prescr...
|
Farmer And Attorney
AN opulent farmer applied to an attorney about a lawsuit, but was told
he could not undertake it, being already engaged on the other s...
|
A Wife At Forty
MY notion of a wife at forty, said Jerrold, is, that a man should be
able to change her, like a bank-note, for two twenties.
...
|
Disapprobation
AN actor played a season at Richmond theatre for the privilege only of
having a benefit. When his night came, and having to sustain a ...
|
Novel Offence
COOKE and Dibdin went, at a tolerably steady quick-step, as far as the
middle of Greek Street, when Cooke, who had passed his hand alo...
|
Measuring His Distance
A BROWBEATING counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a certain
place. Just four yards, two feet, and six inches, was the rep...
|
Very Clear
WHAT is light? asked a schoolmaster of the booby of a class. A
sovereign that isn't full weight is light, was the prompt reply.
...
|
Brotherly Love
AH! said a conceited young parson, I have this afternoon been
preaching to a congregation of asses.--Then that was the reason why
you...
|
Epigram
BY a friend of Sir Turncoat 'twas lately averr'd,
The electors would find him as good as his word!
As good as his word, d...
|
Modest
IT has been said that a lady once asked Lord B--g--m who was the best
debater in the House of Lords. His lordship modestly replied, Lo...
|
A Joint Concern
A STUPID fellow employed in blowing a cathedral organ, said after the
performance of a fine anthem, I think we performed very well
to...
|
Professional
AN editor at a dinner-table being asked if he would take some pudding,
replied, in a fit of abstraction, Owing to a crowd of other mat...
|
A Good Reason
A RICH peer resolved to make his will; and having remembered all his
domestics except his steward, the omission was respectfully point...
|
On A Bad Man
BY imbecility and fears
Will is restrain'd from doing ill;
His mind a porcupine appears,
A porcupine without a q...
|
A Clever Dog
AFTER witnessing the first representation of a dog-piece by Reynolds,
called the Caravan, Sheridan suddenly came into the green-room, ...
|
A Knotty Point
THE Bristol magistrates were at the time of the great riots scattered
through the town. They argued that under the circumstances it wa...
|
George Selwyn
THIS gentleman, travelling in a stage-coach, was interrupted by the
frequent impertinence of a companion, who was constantly teazing h...
|
Emperor Of China
SIR G. STAUNTON related a curious anecdote of old Kien Long, Emperor of
China. He was inquiring of Sir George the manner in which phys...
|
Landlord And Tenants
SAYS his landlord to Thomas, Your rent I must raise,
I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf.
Raise my rent! replies Thoma...
|
An Ugly Dog
JERROLD had a favorite dog that followed him everywhere. One day in the
country, a lady who was passing turned round and said, audibly...
|
The Wrong Leg
MATHEWS being invited by D'Egville to dine one day with him at Brighton,
D'Egville inquired what was Mathews's favorite dish? A roaste...
|
Female Talkers
IT was customary in some parish churches for the men to be placed on one
side, and the women on the other. A clergyman, in the midst o...
|
Fighting By Measure
THE usual place of resort for Dublin duellists was called the Fifteen
Acres. An attorney of that city, in penning a challenge, thought...
|
Suggestion
DO you know what made my voice so melodious? said a celebrated vocal
performer, of awkward manners, to Charles Bannister. No, replied ...
|
The Force Of Satire
JACOB JOHNSON, the publisher, having refused to advance Dryden a sum of
money for a work upon which he was engaged, the incensed bard ...
|
The Anglo-french Alliance
JERROLD was in France, and with a Frenchman who was enthusiastic on the
subject of the Anglo-French alliance. He said that he was prou...
|
Quin's Saying
ON the 30th of January (the martyrdom of King Charles the First), Quin
used to say, Every king in Europe would rise with a crick in hi...
|
A Good Reason
A CERTAIN minister going to visit one of his sick parishioners, asked
him how he had rested during the night. Oh, wondrous ill, sir, r...
|
Billy Brown And The Counsellor
WHEN Mr. Sheridan pleaded in court his own cause, and that of the Drury
Lane Theatre, an Irish laborer, known amongst the actors by th...
|
The Ruling Passion After Death
A DRUNKEN witness leaving the box, blurted out, My Lord, I never cared
for anything but women and horseflesh! Mr. Justice Maule: Oh, y...
|
Cut And Come Again
A GENTLEMAN who was on a tour, attended by an Irish servant-man, who
drove the vehicle, was several times puzzled with the appearance ...
|
Caliban's Looking-glass
A REMARKABLY ugly and disagreeable man sat opposite Jerrold at a
dinner-party. Before the cloth was removed, Jerrold accidentally brok...
|
Union Is Strength
A KIND-HEARTED, but somewhat weak-headed, parishioner in the far north
got into the pulpit of the parish church one Sunday before the ...
|
French Precipitation
THE late Mr. Petion, who was sent over into this country to acquire a
knowledge of our criminal law, is said to have declared himself
...
|
Making It Up
AN attorney being informed by his cook that there was not dinner enough
provided, upon one occasion when company were expected, he ask...
|
Old Stories Over Again
BUBB DODDINGTON was very lethargic. Falling asleep one day, after dinner
with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the latter reproache...
|
Humor Under Difficulties
A CRITIC one day talked to Jerrold about the humor of a celebrated
novelist, dramatist, and poet, who was certainly no humorist.
Hu...
|
Equality
SOME one was praising our public schools to Charles Landseer, and said,
All our best men were public school men. Look at our poets. Th...
|
Quite Natural
DID any of you ever see an elephant's skin? asked the master of an
...
|
_i_ Have! Shouted A
six-year-old at the foot of the class. Where? inquired old spectacles,
amused by his earnestness. On the elephant! was the reply.
...
|
Miser's Charity
AN illiterate person, who always volunteered to go round with the hat,
but was suspected of sparing his own pocket, overhearing once a...
|
Shaking Hands
AT a duel the parties discharged their pistols without effect, whereupon
one of the seconds interfered, and proposed that the combatan...
|
Milton On Woman
MILTON was asked by a friend whether he would instruct his daughters in
the different languages: to which he replied, No, sir; one ton...
|
Epigram
(On bank notes being made a legal tender.)
THE privilege hard money to demand,
It seems but fair the public should surrende...
|
A Good Reason
THAT'S a pretty bird, grandma, said a little boy. Yes, replied the
old dame, and he never cries.--That's because he's never washed,
r...
|
On Farren The Actor
IF Farren, cleverest of men,
Should go to the right about,
What part of town will he be then?
Why, Farren-done-w...
|
Paddy's Logic
THE sun is all very well, said an Irishman, but the moon is worth two
of it; for the moon affords us light in the night-time, when we ...
|
Warning To Ladies
BEWARE of falling in love with a pair of moustaches, till you have
ascertained whether their wearer is the original proprietor.
...
|
A Mot Of De Foe
WHEN Sir Richard Steele was made a member of the Commons, it was
expected from his writings that he would have been an admirable orato...
|
A Fair Repulse
AT the time of the threatened invasion, the laird of Logan had been
taunted at a meeting at Ayr with want of a loyal spirit at Cumnock...
|
Claw And Claw
LORD ERSKINE and Dr. Parr, who were both remarkably conceited, were in
the habit of conversing together, and complimenting each other ...
|
The Bishop And His Portmanteau
THE other day, a certain bishop lost his portmanteau. The circumstance
has given rise to the following:--
I have lost my portma...
|
Force Of Nature
S----'S head appears to be placed in most accurate conformity with the
law of nature, in obedience to which that which is most empty i...
|
Blowing A Nose
SIR WILLIAM CHERE had a very long nose, and was playing at backgammon
with old General Brown. During this time, Sir William, who was a...
|
Too Civil
MACKLIN one night sitting at the back of the front boxes, with a
gentleman of his acquaintance, an underbred lounger stood up immediat...
|
Tory Liberality
A CERTAIN anti-illuminating marquis, since the memorable night of the
passing of the Reform Bill, has constantly kept open house, at l...
|
A Capital Joke
LORD BRAXFIELD (a Scotch judge) once said to an eloquent culprit at the
bar, You're a vera clever chiel, mon, but I'm thinking ye wad ...
|
Pig-headed
MR. JUSTICE P----, a well-meaning but particularly prosing judge, on one
of his country circuits had to try a man for stealing a quant...
|
Buried Worth
SIR THOMAS OVERBURY says, that the man who has not anything to boast of
but his illustrious ancestors, is like a potato,--the only goo...
|
A Just Debtor
ON one occasion Lord Alvanley had promised a person 100l. as a bribe,
to conceal something which would have involved the reputation of...
|
A Sound Conclusion
SIR WILLIAM CURTIS sat near a gentleman at a civic dinner, who alluded
to the excellence of the knives, adding, that articles manufact...
|
Cutting His Coat
WHEN Brummell was the great oracle on coats, the Duke of Leinster was
very anxious to bespeak the approbation of the Emperor of the Da...
|
Non Sequitur
ONE of Sir Boyle Roche's children asked him one day, Who was the father
of George III.?--My darling, he answered, it was Frederick, Pr...
|
Any Port In A Storm
A VERY worthy, though not particularly erudite, under-writer at Lloyd's
was conversing one day with a friend on the subject of a ship ...
|
Ingratitude
WHEN Brennan, the noted highwayman, was taken in the south of Ireland, a
banker, whose notes at that time were not held in the highest...
|
Not So Bad For A King
GEORGE IV., on hearing some one declare that Moore had murdered
Sheridan, in his late life of that statesman, observed, I won't say
t...
|
A Bad Crop
AFTER a long drought, there fell a torrent of rain; and a country
gentleman observed to Sir John Hamilton, This is a most delightful
...
|
None So Blind Etc
DANIEL PURCELL, who was a non-juror, was telling a friend, when King
George the First landed at Greenwich, that he had a full view of ...
|
Duplex Movement
A WORTHY alderman, captain of a volunteer corps, was ordering his
company to fall back, in order to dress with the line, and gave the
...
|
Couleur De Rose
AN officer in full regimentals, apprehensive lest he should come in
contact with a chimney-sweep that was pressing towards him, exclai...
|
A Feeling Witness
A LAWYER, upon a circuit in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an
infant plaintiff, took the child up in his arms, and presented i...
|
Extremes Meet
AN Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, swore, if he caught
him there again, he'd lock him up in the ice-house and warm hi...
|
Dr Weather-eye
AN Irish gentleman was relating in company that he saw a terrible wind
the other night. Saw a wind! said another, I never heard of a w...
|
Hesitation In His Writing
AN old woman received a letter, and, supposing it to be from one of her
absent sons, she called on a person near to read it to her. He...
|
A Guide To Government Situations
DR. HENNIKER, being engaged in private conversation with the great Earl
of Chatham, his lordship asked him how he defined wit. My lord...
|
Natural Transmutation
THE house of Mr. Dundas, late President of the Court of Session in
Scotland, having after his death been converted into a blacksmith's...
|
Critics
LORD BACON, speaking of commentators, critics, &c., said, With all
their pretensions, they were only brushers of noblemen's clothes.
...
|
Question And Answer
A QUAKER was examined before the Board of Excise, respecting certain
duties; the commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully tre...
|
A True Joke
A MAN having been capitally convicted at the Old Bailey, was, as usual,
asked what he had to say why judgment of death should not pass...
|
The Cart Before The Horse
A JUDGE asked a man what age he was. I am eight and fourscore, my
lord, says he. And why not fourscore and eight? says the judge.
Bec...
|
A City Varnish
IT being remarked of a picture of The Lord Mayor and Court of
Aldermen, in the Shakespeare Gallery, that the varnish was chilled and
...
|
A Rub At A Rascal
GEORGE COLMAN being once told that a man whose character was not very
immaculate had grossly abused him, pointedly remarked, that the ...
|
A Sage Simile
MR. THACKERAY once designated a certain noisy tragedian Macready and
onions.
...
|
An Architectural Pun
On the Statue of George I. being placed on the top of Bloomsbury
Church.
The King of Great Britain was reckoned before
T...
|
The Majesty Of Mud
DURING the rage of republican principles in England, and whilst the
Corresponding Society was in full vigor, Mr. Selwyn one May-day me...
|
A Provident Boy
AN avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining one Saturday
with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear...
|
A Query Answered
WHY, pray, of late do Europe's kings
No jester to their courts admit?
They're grown such stately solemn things,
...
|
A Woman's Promises
ANGER may sometimes make dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. Queen
Elizabeth seeing a disappointed courtier walking with a melanch...
|
The Medicine Must Be Of Use
SARAH, Duchess of Marlborough, once pressing the duke to take a
medicine, with her usual warmth said, I'll be hanged if it do not prov...
|
Royal Favor
A LOW fellow boasted in very hyperbolical terms that the king had spoken
to him; and being asked what his Majesty had said, replied, H...
|
Black And White
THE Tories vow the Whigs are black as night,
And boast that they are only blessed with light.
Peel's politics to both sid...
|
The Worst Of All Crimes
AN old offender being asked whether he had committed all the crimes laid
to his charge, answered, I have done still worse! I suffered ...
|
A Phenomenon Accounted For
DR. BYRON, of Manchester, eminent for his promptitude at an epigram,
being once asked how it could happen that a lady rather stricken ...
|
Bright And Sharp
A LITTLE boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a
gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their ...
|
A Woodman
A YOUNG man, boasting of his health and constitutional stamina, was
asked to what he chiefly attributed so great a happiness. To layin...
|
Human Happiness
A CAPTAIN in the navy, meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth,
boasted that he had left his whole ship's company the happiest fel...
|
Measure For Measure
A FELLOW stole Lord Chatham's large gouty shoes: his servant, not
finding them, began to curse the thief. Never mind, said his lordshi...
|
A Deserved Retort
A SPENDTHRIFT, who had nearly wasted all his patrimony, seeing an
acquaintance in a coat not of the newest cut, told him that he thoug...
|
A Poetical Shape
WHEN Mr. Pope once dined at Lord Chesterfield's, some one observed that
he should have known Pope was a great poet by his very shape; ...
|
A Common Case
A SAILOR meeting an old acquaintance, whom the world had frowned upon a
little, asked him where he lived? Where I live, said he, I don...
|
Epigram
YOU beat your pate, and fancy wit will come:
Knock as you will, there's nobody at home.
...
|
Too Cold To Change
A LADY reproving a gentleman during a hard frost for swearing, advised
him to leave it off, saying it was a very bad habit. Very true,...
|
Sealing An Oath
Do you, said Fanny, t' other day,
In earnest love me as you say;
Or are those tender words applied
Alike to fifty gi...
|
A Neat Quotation
LORD NORBURY asking the reason of the delay that happened in a cause,
was told that Mr. Serjeant Joy, who was to lead, was absent, but...
|
Good Sport
A GENTLEMAN on circuit narrating to Lord Norbury some extravagant feat
in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three har...
|
An Unre-hearsed Effect
A NOBLE lord, not over courageous, was once so far engaged in an affair
of honor, as to be drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel. But jus...
|
A Good Servant
I CAN'T conceive, said one nobleman to another, how it is that you
manage. Though your estate is less than mine, I could not afford to...
|
Balancing Accounts
THEOPHILUS CIBBER, who was very extravagant, one day asked his father
for a hundred pounds. Zounds, sir, said Colly, can't you live up...
|
A Novelty
A PERSON was boasting that he had never spoken the truth. Then, added
another, you have now done it for the first time.
...
|
Scotch Understanding
A LADY asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the
Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, ...
|
Brutal Affections
THE attachment of some ladies to their lap-dogs amounts, in some
instances, to infatuation. An ill-tempered lap-dog biting a piece out...
|
An Introductory Ceremony
AN alderman of London once requested an author to write a speech for him
to speak at Guildhall. I must first dine with you, replied he...
|
Whig And Tory
WHIG and Tory scratch and bite,
Just as hungry dogs we see;
Toss a bone 'twixt two, they fight;
Throw a couple, ...
|
Contraband Scotchman
A PERSON was complimenting Mrs. ---- on her acting a certain female
character so well. To do justice to that character, replied the la...
|
A Placebo
WHEN Mr. Canning was about giving up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he said
to his gardener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds, I...
|
A Place Wanted
A GENTLEMAN, who did not live very happily with his wife, on the maid
telling him that she was about to give her mistress warning, as ...
|
Not To Be Bought
A COMMON-COUNCILMAN'S lady paying her daughter a visit at school, and
inquiring what progress she had made in her education, the gover...
|
Sign Of Being Cracked
IN a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix,
an apothecary's widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it wa...
|
Cruel Suggestion
LORD STANLEY came plainly dressed to request a private audience of King
James I., but was refused admittance into the royal closet by ...
|
An Odd Fellow
LORD WILLOUGHBY DE BROKE was a very singular character, and had more
peculiarities than any nobleman of his day. Coming once out of th...
|
Post-mortem
ONE of Cromwell's granddaughters was remarkable for her vivacity and
humor. One summer, being in company at Tunbridge Wells, a gentlem...
|
Knowing His Place
AT a grand review by George III. of the Portsmouth fleet in 1789, there
was a boy who mounted the shrouds with so much agility as to s...
|
An Attic Jest
SHERIDAN inquiring of his son what side of politics he should espouse on
his inauguration to St. Stephen's, the son replied, that he i...
|
Cutting On Both Sides
LORD B----, who sported a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr.
O'Connell in Dublin, the latter said, When do you mean to place your...
|
A Ready Reckoner
A MATHEMATICIAN being asked by a wag, If a pig weighs 200 pounds, how
much will a great boar (bore?) weigh? he replied, Jump into the
...
|
Catching Him Up
AN Irishman being asked which was oldest, he or his brother, I am
eldest, said he, but if my brother lives three years longer, we shal...
|
A Stopper
A GENTLEMAN describing a person who often visited him for the sole
purpose of having a long gossip, called him Mr. Jones the stay-make...
|
A Book Case
THERE is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark of Lord Clare, who
curtly exclaimed at one of his legal positions, O! if that be...
|
Hinc Ille Lachrymae
THE mortality among Byron's mistresses, said the late Lady A----ll,
is really alarming. I think he generally buries, in verse, a first...
|
Reason For Going To Church
IT was observed of an old citizen that he was the most regular man in
London in his attendance at church, and no man in the kingdom wa...
|
A Bishop And Churchwarden
BISHOP WARBURTON, going to Cirencester to confirm, he was supplied at
the altar with an elbow-chair and a cushion, which he did not mu...
|
Stone Blind
LORD BYRON'S valet (Mr. Fletcher) grievously excited his master's ire by
observing, while Byron was examining the remains of Athens, L...
|
Agreeable And Not Complimentary
IN King William's time a Mr. Tredenham was taken before the Earl of
Nottingham on suspicion of having treasonable papers in his posses...
|
Dr Johnson Without Variation
DR. JOHNSON was observed by a musical friend of his to be extremely
inattentive at a concert, whilst a celebrated solo player was runn...
|
Mr Canning's Parasites
NATURE descends down to infinite smallness. Mr. Canning has his
parasites; and if you take a large buzzing blue-bottle fly, and look a...
|
Ss
...
|
Pleasant Deserts
A CERTAIN physician was so fond of administering medicine, that, seeing
all the phials and pill-boxes of his patient completely emptie...
|
A Home Argument
BY one decisive argument
Tom gained his lovely Kate's consent,
To fix the bridal day.
Why in such haste, dear Tom,...
|
A Bad Pen
NATURE has written 'honest man' on his face, said a friend to Jerrold,
speaking of a person in whom Jerrold's faith was not altogether...
|
Wignell The Actor
ONE of old Mr. Sheridan's favorite characters was Cato: and on its
revival at Covent Garden Theatre, a Mr. Wignell assumed his
old-es...
|
Candor
A NOTORIOUS egotist, indirectly praising himself for a number of good
qualities which it was well known he had not, asked Macklin the ...
|
A Cold Compliment
A COXCOMB, teasing Dr. Parr with an account of his petty ailments,
complained that he could never go out without catching cold in his ...
|
Ready Reply
THE grass-plots in the college courts or quadrangles are not for the
unhallowed feet of the under-graduates. Some, however, are hardy ...
|
Full Proof
LORD PETERBOROUGH was once taken by the mob for the great Duke of
Marlborough (who was then in disgrace with them); and being about to...
|
Epigram On Cibber
IN merry Old England it once was the rule,
The king had his poet and also his fool;
But now we're so frugal, I'd have you...
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A Prophecy
CHARLES MATHEWS, the elder, being asked what he was going to do with his
son (the young man's profession was to be that of an architec...
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A Fixture
DR. ROGER LONG, the celebrated astronomer, was walking, one dark
evening, with a gentleman in Cambridge, when the latter came to a sho...
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Family Pride
A YOUNG lady visiting in the family asked John at dinner for a potato.
John made no response. The request was repeated; when John, put...
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Evidence Of A Jockey
THE following dialogue was lately heard at an assize:--Counsel: What
was the height of the horse? Witness: Sixteen feet. Counsel: How ...
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Way Of The World
DETERMINED beforehand, we gravely pretend
To ask the opinion and thoughts of a friend;
Should his differ from ours on any...
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A Broad-sheet Hint
IN the parlor of a public-house in Fleet Street, there used to be
written over the chimney-piece the following notice: Gentlemen learn...
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Modest Merit
A PLAYER applied to the manager of a respectable company for an
engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable...
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Soft Very!
SOME one had written upon a pane in the window of an inn on the Chester
...
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Phillis
Mrs. Abingdon saw this inscription, and wrote under it,--
Then as like as two chips
...
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Amarillis
...
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Cambridge Etiquette
CAMBRIDGE etiquette has been very happily caricatured by the following
anecdote. A gownsman, one day walking along the banks of the Ca...
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Epigram
(On interminable harangues.)
YE fates that hold the vital shears,
If ye be troubled with remorse,
And will not cut ---...
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Half-way
A HORSEMAN crossing a moor, asked a countryman, if it was safe riding.
Ay, answered the countryman, it is hard enough at the bottom, I...
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Self-knowledge
----, said one of his eulogists, always knows his own mind. We will
cede the point, for it amounts to an admission that he knows nothi...
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Two Of A Trade
WHEN Bannister was asked his opinion of a new singer that had appeared
at Covent Garden, Why, said Charles, he may be Robin Hood this
...
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A Stray Shot
AN officer, in battle, happening to bow, a cannon-ball passed over his
head, and took off that of the soldier who stood behind him. Yo...
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Milesian Advice
NEVER be critical upon the ladies, was the maxim of an old Irish peer,
remarkable for his homage to the sex; the only way in the world...
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Mr Abernethy
A LADY who went to consult Mr. Abernethy, began describing her
complaint, which is what he very much disliked. Among other things she
...
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The Debt Paid
To John I owed great obligation,
But John, unhappily, thought fit
To publish it to all the nation;
Sure John and...
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Extremes Meet
A CLEVER literary friend of Jerrold, and one who could take a joke, told
him he had just had some calf's-tail soup.--Extremes meet som...
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A Compliment Ill-received
A PERSON who dined in company with Dr. Johnson endeavored to make his
court to him by laughing immoderately at everything he said. The...
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Truth Not To Be Spoken At All Times
GARRICK was on a visit at Hagley, when news came that a company of
players were going to perform at Birmingham. Lord Lyttelton said to...
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A Good Reason
A GENTLEMAN, talking with his gardener, expressed his admiration at the
rapid growth of the trees. Why, yes, sir, says the man; please...
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Following A Leader
FRANKLIN, when ambassador to France, being at a meeting of a literary
society, and not well understanding the French when declaimed,
...
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Idolatry
THE toilette of a woman is an altar erected by self-love to vanity.
...
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Twice Ruined
I NEVER was ruined but twice, said a wit; once when I lost a
lawsuit, and once when I gained one.
...
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Qed
A COUNTRY schoolmaster was met by a certain nobleman, who asked his name
and vocation. Having declared his name, he added, And I am ma...
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Short Stories
SIR WALTER SCOTT once stated that he kept a lowland laird waiting for
him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he fo...
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On A Lady Who Squinted
IF ancient poets Argus prize,
Who boasted of a hundred eyes,
Sure greater praise to her is due,
Who looks a hundred ...
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An Original Attraction
FOOTE one evening announced, for representation at the Haymarket
Theatre, The Fair Penitent, to be performed, for that night only, by ...
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Democratic Vision
HORNE TOOKE, being asked by George III. whether he played at cards,
replied, I cannot, your Majesty, tell a king from a knave.
...
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Fishy Rather
LORD ELLENBOROUGH, on his return from Hone's trial, suddenly stopped his
carriage at Charing Cross, and said, It occurs to me that the...
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Light Bread
A BAKER has invented a new kind of yeast. It makes bread so light that a
pound of it weighs only twelve ounces.
...
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Something Like An Insult
THE late Judge C---- one day had occasion to examine a witness who
stuttered very much in delivering his testimony. I believe, said hi...
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On Charles Kean The Actor
AS Romeo, Kean, with awkward grace,
On velvet rests, 'tis said;
Ah! did he seek a softer place,
He'd rest upon h...
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Political Corruption
CURRAN, when opposed to Lord Clare, said that he reminded him of a
chimney-sweep, who had raised himself by dark and dusky ways, and t...
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A Quakerly Objection
A QUAKER being asked his opinion of phrenology, replied indignantly,
Friend, there can be no good in a science that compels a man to t...
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A Good-hearted Fellow
IN a valedictory address an editor wrote: If we have offended any man
in the short but brilliant course of our public career, let him ...
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Epigram On The Death Of Foote
FOOTE, from his earthly stage, alas! is hurled,
Death took him off, who took off all the world.
...
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The Angry Ocean
MOTHER, this book tells about the angry waves of the ocean. Now, what
makes the ocean get angry?--Because it has been crossed so often...
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Brevity
DR. ABERNETHY, the celebrated physician, was never more displeased than
by hearing a patient detail a long account of troubles. A woma...
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Epigram
IF L--d--d--y has a grain of sense,
He can be only half a lord 'tis clear;
For from the fact we draw the inference,
...
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A Broad-brim Hint
A QUAKER said to a gunner, Friend, I counsel no bloodshed; but if it be
thy design to hit the little man in the blue jacket, point thi...
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An Order For Two
AT the last rehearsal of Joanna, Mr. Wild, the prompter, asked the
author for an order to admit two friends to the boxes; and whether ...
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Epigram From The Italian
HIS hair so black,--his beard so gray,
'Tis strange! But would you know the cause?
'Tis that his labors always lay,
...
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Marriage
A WIDOWER, having taken another wife, was, nevertheless, always paying
some panegyric to the memory of his late spouse, in the presenc...
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Fishing For A Compliment
A YOUNG man having preached for the doctor one day, was anxious to get a
word of applause for his labor of love. The grave doctor, how...
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Visible Proof
AN Irishman being asked on a late trial for a certificate of his
marriage, exhibited a huge scar on his head, which looked as though i...
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Simplicity Of The Learned Porson
THE great scholar had a horror of the east wind; and Tom Sheridan once
kept him prisoner in the house for a fortnight by fixing the
w...
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Epigram Addressed To Miss Edgeworth
WE every-day bards may Anonymous sign:
That refuge, Miss Edgeworth, can never be thine:
Thy writings, where satire and mo...
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Keen Reply
A RETIRED vocalist, who had acquired a large fortune by marriage, was
asked to sing in company. Allow me, said he, to imitate the
nig...
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A Good Example
IN the House of Commons, the grand characteristic of the office of the
Speaker is silence; and he fills the place best who best holds ...
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A Certainty
A PHYSICIAN passing by a stone-mason's shop bawled out, Good morning,
Mr. D.! Hard at work, I see. You finish your gravestones as far ...
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Nominal Rhymes
THE COURT OF ALDERMEN AT FISHMONGERS' HALL.
IS that dace or perch?
Said Alderman Birch;
I take it for herring,
...
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A Broad Hint
CHARLES II. playing at tennis with a dean, who struck the ball well, the
king said, That's a good stroke for a dean.--I'll give it the...
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Vails To Servants
TO such a height had arrived the custom of giving vails, or
visiting-fees, to servants, in 1762, that Jonas Hanway published upon
the...
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Quite True
AVARICE is criminal poverty.
...
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Congratulation To One Who Curled His Hair
I'm very glad, to E--b--h said
His brother exquisite, Macassar Draper,
That 'tis the outer product of your head,
And...
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The Polite Scholar
A SCHOLAR and a courtier meeting in the street, seemed to contest the
wall. Says the courtier, I do not use to give every coxcomb the
...
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A Cool Hand
AN old deaf beggar, whom Collins the painter was once engaged in
sketching at Hendon, exhibited great self-possession. Finding, from
...
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Quid Pro Quo
A PHYSICIAN of an acrimonious disposition, and having a thorough hatred
of lawyers, reproached a barrister with the use of phrases utt...
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Recruiting Serjeant And Countryman
A RECRUITING serjeant addressing an honest country bumpkin with,--Come,
my lad, thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?--Voight for my...
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An Anecdote
E--D--N was asked by one of note,
Why merit he did not promote;
For this good reason, answered he,
'Cause merit ne'e...
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Dido
OF this tragedy, the production of Joseph Reed, author of the Register
Office, Mr. Nicholls, in his Literary Anecdotes, gives some cur...
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Extreme Simplicity
A COUNTRYMAN took his seat at a tavern-table opposite to a gentleman who
was indulging in a bottle of wine. Supposing the wine to be c...
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Not To Be Trifled With
DURING a recent representation of King Lear at one of our metropolitan
theatres, an old gentleman from the country, who was visibly af...
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As You Like It
AN old sea captain used to say he didn't care how he dressed when
abroad, because nobody knew him. And he didn't care how he dressed
...
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An Upright Man
ERSKINE was once retained for a Mr. Bolt, whose character was impugned
by Mr. Mingay, the counsel on the other side. Gentlemen, said E...
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The Duke Of Wellington And The Aurist
ON one occasion the Duke's deafness was alluded to by Lady A----, who
asked if she was sitting on his right side, and if he had benefi...
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Truth Not Always To Be Spoken
IF a man were to set out calling everything by its right name, he would
be knocked down before he got to the corner of the street.
...
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Advertisement Extraordinary
(To those in want of employment.)
Whoe'er will at the Gloucester's Head apply,
Is always sure to find a vacancy.
...
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A Double Times
A HUGE, double-sheeted copy of the Times newspaper was put into the
hands of a member of the Union Club by one of the waiters. Oh, wha...
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Partnership Dissolved
DR. PARR had a high opinion of his own skill at whist, and could not
even patiently tolerate the want of it in his partner. Being enga...
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Epigram
(On the depth of Lord ---- arguments.)
YES, in debate we must admit,
His argument is quite profound;
His reasoning's...
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A Seasonable Joke
THEODORE HOOK, being in company, where he said something humorous in
rhyme to every person present, on Mr. Winter, the late Solicitor ...
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Epigram
(On the immortality of ----'s speeches.)
THY speeches are immortal, O my friend,
For he that hears them--hears them to no e...
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A Considerate Son
A WITCH, being at the stake to be burnt, saw her son there, and desired
him to give her some drink. No, mother, said he, it would do y...
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Dangerously Well
LORD BYRON, in reference to a lady he thought ill of, writes, Lady ----
has been dangerously ill; but it may console you to learn that...
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Epigram
(On Lord E--nb----h's pericranium.)
LET none because of its abundant locks,
Deceive themselves by thinking for a minute,
...
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A New Scholar
A CALIFORNIAN gold digger having become rich, desired a friend to
procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received ...
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Putting A Stop To Pilgrim's Progress
JEMMY GORDON, meeting the prosecutor of a felon, named Pilgrim, who
was convicted and sentenced to be transported at the Cambridge ass...
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Epigram
LIFE is a lottery where we find
That fortune plays full many a prank;
And when poor ---- got his mind,
'Twas for...
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A Sudden Change
ONE drinking some beer at a petty ale-house in the country, which was
very strong of the hops and hardly any taste of the malt, was as...
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Valuable Discovery
A RECENT philosopher discovered a method to avoid being dunned!
How--how--how? we hear everybody asking. He never run in debt.
...
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A Useful Ally
Cracked China mended! Zounds, man, off this minute! There's work for
you, or else the deuce is in it!
...
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Two Sides To A Speech
CHARLES LAMB sitting next some chattering woman at dinner, observing he
didn't attend to her, You don't seem, said the lady, to be at ...
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Wilkie's Simplicity
ON the birth of a friend's son (now a well-known novelist), Sir David
Wilkie was requested to become one of the sponsors for his child...
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Ringing The Changes
AT a tavern one night,
Messrs. More, Strange, and Wright
Met to drink, and good thoughts to exchange:
Sa...
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Knowing His Man
A MAN was brought before Lord Mansfield, charged with stealing a silver
ladle, and the counsel for the crown was rather severe upon th...
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A Small Glass
THE manager of a Scotch theatre, at which F.G. Cooke was playing
Macbeth, seeing him greatly exhausted towards the close of the
perfo...
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Domestic Economy
THE following bill of fare (which consists of a dish of fish, a joint of
meat, a couple of fowls, vegetables, and a pudding, being in ...
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An Empty Head
OF a light, frivolous, flighty girl, whom Jerrold met frequently, he
said, That girl has no more head than a periwinkle.
...
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A Bad Label
TOM bought a gallon of gin to take home; and, by way of a label, wrote
his name upon a card, which happened to be the seven of clubs, ...
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Aye! There's The Rub
A GENTLEMAN, playing at piquet, was much teased by a looker-on who was
short-sighted, and, having a very long nose, greatly incommoded...
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Moral Equality Of Man
ALL honest men, whether counts or cobblers, are of the same rank, if
classed by moral distinctions.
...
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A Silk Gown
GRATTAN said of Hussey Burgh, who had been a great Liberal, but, on
getting his silk gown, became a Ministerialist, that all men knew ...
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Epigram By A Plucked Man
EVERY Cantab, it is presumed, knows where Shelford Fen is, and that it
is famous for rearing geese. A luckless wight, who had the misf...
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The Measure Of A Brain
ONE afternoon, when Jerrold was in his garden at Putney, enjoying a
glass of claret, a friend called upon him. The conversation ran on...
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Foote And Lord Townsend
FOOTE, dining one day with Lord Townsend, after his duel with Lord
Bellamont, the wine being bad, and the dinner ill-dressed, made Foo...
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Unreasonable
TOM, said a colonel to one of his men, how can so good and brave a
soldier as you get drunk so often?--Colonel, replied he, how can yo...
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An Honest Warranty
A GENTLEMAN once bought a horse of a country-dealer. The bargain
concluded, and the money paid, the gentleman said, Now, my friend, I
...
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The Reason Why
A MAN said the only reason why his dwelling was not blown away in a late
storm was, because there was a heavy mortgage on it.
...
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Blotting It Out
MATHEWS'S attendant, in his last illness, intending to give him his
medicine, gave in mistake some ink from a phial on a shelf. On
di...
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Clerical Wit
AN old gentleman of eighty-four having taken to the altar a young damsel
of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him, The font is at t...
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A Nice Distinction
NED SHUTER thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings
with holes to having them darned:--A hole, said he, may be the
...
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Wit And Quackery
A CELEBRATED quack, while holding forth on a stage of Chelmsford, in
order to promote the sale of his medicine, told the people that h...
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Wit Defined
DRYDEN'S description of wit is excellent. He says:--
A thousand different shapes wit wears,
Comely in thousand shapes appea...
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A Vain Search
SIR FRANCIS BLAKE DELAVAL'S death had such an effect on Foote that he
burst into tears, retired to his room, and saw no company for tw...
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A Bad Customer
WE don't sell spirits, said a law-evading beer-seller; we will give
you a glass; and then, if you want a biscuit, we'll sell it to you...
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A Reflection
AN overbearing barrister, endeavoring to brow-beat a witness, told him
he could plainly see a rogue in his face. I never knew till now...
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Foote
AN artist named Forfeit, having some job to do for Foote, got into a
foolish scrape about the antiquity of family with another artist,...
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Inquest Extraordinary
DIED from fatigue, three laundresses together all,
Verdict,--had tried to wash a shirt marked Wetherall.[A]
[A] Sir Charles...
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A Base One
A FRIEND was one day reading to Jerrold an account of a case in which a
person named Ure was reproached with having suddenly jilted a ...
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Profitable Juggling
A PROFESSOR of legerdemain entertained an audience in a village, which
was principally composed of colliers. After astonishing the nat...
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Pickpocketing
THE Baron de Beranger relates, that, having secured a pickpocket in the
very act of irregular abstraction, he took the liberty of inqu...
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Dunning And Lord Thurlow
WHEN it was the custom for barristers to leave chambers early, and to
finish their evenings at the coffee-houses in the neighborhood o...
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Affectation
DELIA is twenty-two, and yet so weak,
Poor thing, she's learning still to walk and speak.
...
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Warm Friendships
SOME people were talking with Jerrold about a gentleman as celebrated
for the intensity as for the shortness of his friendships.
Ye...
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Theatrical Mistakes
A LAUGHABLE blunder was made by Mrs. Gibbs, at Covent Garden Theatre, in
the season of 1823, in the part of Miss Stirling, in The Clan...
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A Broken Head
I AM the only man in Europe, sir, said the Colonel, that ever had a
broken head,--to live after it. I was hunting near my place in
Yo...
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Caledonian Comfort
TWO pedestrian travellers, natives of the North, had taken up their
quarters for the night at a Highland hotel in Breadalbane: one of ...
|
An Odd Family
BLAYNEY said, in reference to several persons, all relations to each
other, but who happened to have no descendants, that it seemed to...
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A Lawyer's Opinion Of Law
COUNSELLOR M----T, after he retired from practice, being one day in
company where the uncertainty of the law became the topic of
conv...
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Ben Jonson
WHEN the Archbishop of York sent him from his table an excellent dish of
fish, but without drink, said:--
In a dish came fish
...
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Unremitting Kindness
CALL that a kind man, said an actor, speaking of an absent
acquaintance; a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a
fa...
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Kean's Impromptu
AT Birmingham, one of Kean's benefits was a total failure. In the last
scene of the play (A New Way to pay Old Debts), wherein allusio...
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A Truth For The Ladies
A LEARNED doctor has given his opinion that tight lacing is a public
benefit, inasmuch as it kills off all the foolish girls, and leav...
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A Mark Of Respect
CONGREVE was disputing a point of fact with a man of a very positive
disposition, but one who was not overburdened with sense. The lat...
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A Gretna Customer
A RUNAWAY couple were married at Gretna Green. The smith demanded five
guineas for his services. How is this? said the bridegroom, the...
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Leaving His Verdict
I REMEMBER, says Lord Biden, Mr. Justice Gould trying a case at York,
and when he had proceeded for about two hours, he observed, 'Her...
|
Over-wise
IN a lecture-room of St. John's College, Cambridge, a student one
morning, construing the Medea of Euripides came to the following
pa...
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Impromptu
'TIS said that walls have ears; if this be true,
St Stephen's walls the gift must often rue.
...
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Independence
JEMMY GORDON, the Cambridge eccentric, when he happened to be without
shoes or stockings, one day came in contact with a person of ver...
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On Pride
FITSMALL, who drinks with knights and lords,
To steal a share of notoriety,
Will tell you in important words,
He...
|
Black Letter
AN old friend of Charles Lamb having been in vain trying to make out a
black-letter text of Chaucer in the Temple Library, laid down t...
|
A Hiatus
DID you not on going down find a party in your kitchen? asked an
underbred barrister of a witness. A tea-party, Mr. ----? mildly
inte...
|
A Reasonable Request
AN officer advising his general to capture a post, said: It will only
cost a few men.--Will you make one of the few? remarked the
gen...
|
A Striking Point
WHEN Mr. Gulley, the ex-pugilist, was elected Member for Pontefract,
Gilbert A'Beckett said: Should any opposition be manifested in th...
|
Very Pretty
ONE day, just as an English officer had arrived at Vienna, the empress
knowing that he had seen a certain princess much celebrated for...
|
An Odd Bird
A LATE Duke of Norfolk had a fancy for owls, of which he kept several.
He called one, from the resemblance to the Chancellor, Lord Thu...
|
Inquests Extraordinary
FOUND dead, a rat--no case could sure be harder;
Verdict--Confined a week in Eldon's larder.
Died, Sir Charles Wetherall'...
|
I've Done The Same Thing Often
A MR. JOHN SMITH, who is described, evidently not without reason, as a
fast talker, gave the following description of the blowing up o...
|
Confidence
WHY, said a country clergyman to one of his flock, do you always
sleep in your pew when I am in the pulpit, while you are all attentio...
|
The Cut Infernal
SAID Wetherall the other night
Of ----: He's the silliest elf
I ever knew. Sir Charles was right,
For no one eve...
|
Feeling His Way
UNCLE, said a young man (who thought that his guardian supplied him
rather sparingly with pocket-money), is the Queen's head still on
...
|
The Will
JERRY dying intestate, his relatives claimed,
Whilst his widow most vilely his mem'ry defam'd:
What! cries she, must I su...
|
Ingenuousness
TWO young officers, after a mess-dinner, had very much ridiculed their
general. He sent for them, and asked them if what was reported ...
|
A New Sport
QUIN thought angling a very barbarous diversion; and on being asked why,
gave this reason: Suppose some superior being should bait a h...
|
Sydney Smith
SYDNEY SMITH was once dining in company with a French gentleman, who had
been before dinner indulging in a number of free-thinking spe...
|
Epigram On The Duke Of 's Consistency
THAT he's ne'er known to change his mind,
Is surely nothing strange;
For no one yet could ever find
He'd any min...
|
A Fair Proposal
WHY don't you take off your hat? said Lord F---- to a boy struggling
with a calf. So I wull, sir, replied the lad; if your lordship wi...
|
A Doubtful Creed
JUDGE MAULE, in summing up a case of libel, and speaking of a defendant
who had exhibited a spiteful piety, observed, One of these def...
|
A Satisfactory Total
A SCOTCH Minister, after a hard day's labor, and while at a denner
tea, as he called it, kept incessantly praising the haam, and stati...
|
Good Riddance
A CERTAIN well-known provincial bore having left a tavern-party, of
which Burns was one, the bard immediately demanded a bumper, and,
...
|
Calculation
SAYS Giles, My wife and I are two,
Yet, faith, I know not why, sir.
Quoth Jack, You're ten, if I speak true;
She...
|
George Ii And The Recorder
WHEN that vacancy happened on the Exchequer Bench which was afterwards
filled by Mr. Adams, the Ministry could not agree among themsel...
|
Sleeping Round
THE celebrated Quin had this faculty. What sort of a morning is it,
John?--Very wet, sir.--Any mullet in the market?--No,
sir.--Then,...
|
At His Fingers' Ends
I SUPPOSE, said a quack, while feeling the pulse of his patient, that
you think me a humbug?--Sir, replied the sick man, I perceive th...
|
Not So Easy
A CERTAIN learned serjeant, who is apt to be testy in argument, was
advised by the Court not to show temper, but to show cause.
...
|
A Point
POPE was one evening at Button's coffee-house, where he and a set of
literati had got poring over a Latin manuscript, in which they ha...
|
The Republic Of Learning
ONE asked another why learning was always called a republic. Forsooth,
quoth the other, because scholars are so poor that they have no...
|
Challenging A Jury
AN Irish fire-eater, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant,
was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jur...
|
Walpoliana
WHEN Mr. Naylor's father married his second wife, Naylor said, Father,
they say you are to be married to-day; are you?--Well, replied ...
|
Minding His Business
MURPHY was asked how it was so difficult to waken him in the morning:
Indeed, master, it's because of taking your own advice, always t...
|
Pence Table
A SCHOOLBOY going into the village without leave, his master called
after him, Where are you going, sir?--I am going to buy a ha'porth...
|
Satisfaction
LORD WILLIAM POULAT was said to be the author of a pamphlet called The
Snake in the Grass. A gentleman abused in it sent him a challen...
|
A Safe Appeal
A PHYSICIAN once defended himself from raillery by saying, I defy any
person whom I ever attended, to accuse me of ignorance or
negle...
|
A Cautious Lover
WHEN I courted her, said Spreadweasel, I took lawyer's advice, and
signed every letter to my love,--'Yours, without prejudice!'--D.J.
...
|
The Sword And The Scabbard
A WAG, on seeing his friend with something under his cloak, asked him
what it was. A poniard, answered he; but he observed that it was...
|
Touching
WHEN Lord Eldon resigned the Great Seal, a small barrister said, To me
his loss is irreparable. Lord Eldon always behaved to me like a...
|
The College Bell!
AT a party of college grandees, one of the big-wigs proposed that each
gentleman should toast his favorite Belle. When it came to the ...
|
French Language
WHEN some one was expatiating on the merits of the French language to
Mr. Canning, he exclaimed: Why, what on earth, sir, can be expec...
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Epigram
(On the alleged disinterestedness of a certain Prelate.)
HE says he don't think of himself,
And I'm to believe him inclin...
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Certainly Not Asleep
A COUNTRY schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial,
and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two ...
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Anticipation
LORD AVONDALE, Chief Baron of the Exchequer, was much given to
anticipation. A lawyer once observed in his presence, Coming through
t...
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The Best Judge
A LADY said to her husband, in Jerrold's presence:--
My dear, you certainly want some new trousers.--No, I think not,
replied the h...
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The Rivals
A GOOD story of Gibbon is told in the last volume of Moore's Memoirs.
The dramatis personae were Lady Elizabeth Foster, Gibbon the his...
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Dead Language
AMONG the many English who visited Paris in 1815 was Alderman Wood, who
had previously filled the office of Lord Mayor of London. He o...
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Walpoliana
SIR JOHN GERMAIN was so ignorant, that he is said to have left a legacy
to Sir Matthew Decker, as the author of St. Matthew's Gospel.
...
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A Slight Difference
A CLERGYMAN, who had to preach before Archbishop Whately, begged to be
let off, saying, I hope your Grace will excuse my preaching nex...
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Epigram
(On Mr. Croker's reputation for being a wag.)
THEY say his wit's refined! Thus is explained
The seeming mystery--his wit is...
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A Nice Distinction
WHAT is the difference, asked Archbishop Whately of a young clergyman
he was examining, between a form and a ceremony? The meaning see...
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Late Dinner
SOME one remarking that the dinner hour was always getting later and
later, Ay, quoth Rogers, it will soon end in our not dining till
...
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An Old Joke
AS a wag at a ball, to a nymph on each arm
Alternately turning, and thinking to charm,
Exclaimed in these words, of which...
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Time Works Wonders
A GENTLEMAN dining at a hotel, whose servants were few and far
between, despatched a lad among them for a cut of beef. After a long
t...
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A Novel Idea
MORROW'S Library is the Mudie of Dublin; and the Rev. Mr. Day, a
popular preacher. How inconsistent, said Archbishop Whately, is the
...
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The Spirit And The Letter
A MAN was described in a plea as I. Jones, and the pleader referred
in another part of the plea to I as an initial. The plaintiff said...
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Losing An I
A MAN being interrogated on a trial, spoke several words with much
impropriety; and at last saying the word curosity, a counsellor
ex...
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Driving It Home
THE late James Fergusson, Clerk of Session, a most genial and amiable
man, of whose periodical fits of absence most edifying stories a...
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The Empty Gun
AS Dick and Tom in fierce dispute engage,
And, face to face, the noisy contest wage;
Don't cock your chin at me, Dick sma...
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A Piece Of Plate
A YOUNG actor having played a part tolerably well, Elliston one evening
called him into the green-room, and addressed him to this effe...
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Episcopal Sauce
AT a dinner-party Archbishop Whately called out suddenly to the host,
Mr. ----! There was silence. Mr. ----, what is the proper female...
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A Good Critic
A FRIEND of an artist was endeavoring to persuade him not to bestow so
much time upon his works. You do not know, then, said he, that ...
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Wilkes's Tergiversation
WILKES, one day in his later life, went to Court, when George III. asked
him, in a good-natured tone of banter, how his friend Serjean...
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A Slight Eruption
A PERSON came almost breathless to Lord Thurlow, and exclaimed, My
lord, I bring tidings of calamity to the nation!--What has happened...
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Smoking An Mp
AN honorable member, speaking about the tax on tobacco, somewhat
ludicrously called for certain returns.
...
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A Timely Reproof
A YOUNG chaplain had preached a sermon of great length. Sir, said Lord
Mulgrave, bowing to him, there were some things in your sermon ...
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Reproof
I CAN'T find bread for my family, said a lazy fellow in company. Nor
I, replied an industrious miller; I am obliged to work for it.
...
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A Satisfactory Reason
MR. ALEXANDER, the architect of several fine buildings in the county of
Kent, was under cross-examination at Maidstone, by Serjeant (a...
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The Tanner; An Epigram
A BERMONDSEY tanner would often engage,
In a long tete-a-tete with his dame,
While trotting to town in the Kennington s...
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An Absent Man
A CONCEITED young man asked Foote what apology he should make for not
being one of a party the day before, to which he had been invite...
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A Double Knock
ON Dr. K----'s promotion to the bishopric of Down, an appointment in
some quarters unpopular, Archbishop Whately observed, The Irish
...
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A Proper Retort
A CERTAIN dramatic translator, introducing a well-known comedian to
Madame Vestris, said: Madame, this is Mr. B----, who is not such a...
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Foraging
DURING the interregnum after the death of King Charles I., the soldiers
were accustomed to visit the theatres and rob the audience, so...
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On Jekyll Nearly Being Thrown Down By A Very Small Pig
AS Jekyll walked out in his gown and his wig,
He happened to tread on a very small pig:
Pig of science, he said, or else ...
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Unkind
PRAY, sir, said Lady Wallace to David Hume, I am often asked what age
I am; what answer should I make? Mr. Hume, immediately guessing ...
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Dean Swift And King William
THE motto which was inserted under the arms of William, Prince of
Orange, on his accession to the English crown, was, Non rapui sed
r...
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Epigram
(On ----'s declaring his detestation of all meanness).
IF really ---- do but loathe
Things base or mean, I must confess
...
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Eloquent Silence
YOU have already read that section four times, Mr. ----, said Maule to
a prosing counsel. It's iteration! It's ----, I use no epithet,...
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Keeping A Promise
THUS, with kind words, Fairface cajoled his friend:
Dear Dick! on me thou may'st assured depend;
I know thy fortune is bu...
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Naval Oratory
WHEN Admiral Cornwallis commanded the Canada, a mutiny broke out in the
ship, on account of some accidental delay in paying the crew. ...
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Verse And Worse
AMONG a company of cheerful Irishmen, in the neighborhood of St. Giles,
it was proposed by the host to make a gift of a couple of fowl...
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The Iron Duke
IT is said the Duke of Wellington bought a book of the Hunchback at
Covent Garden Theatre, for which he gave a pound in gold, refusing...
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Clear The Court
AN Irish crier at Ballinasloe being ordered to clear the court, did so
by this announcement: Now, then, all ye blackguards that isn't
...
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Walpoliana
SIR CHARLES WAGER always said, that if a sea-fight lasted three days,
he was sure the English suffered the most for the two first, for...
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Not Polite
MR. P----, a candidate for Berkshire, was said to have admitted his want
of head, by demanding a poll.
...
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Extenuating Circumstances
A CASE of some great offence was tried before Lord Hermand (who was a
great toper), and the counsel pleaded extenuation for his client...
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On Mr Husband's Marriage
THIS case is the strangest we've known in our life,
The husband's a husband, and so is the wife.
...
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Confidence
THE first time Jerrold saw a celebrated song-writer, the latter said to
him:--
Youngster, have you sufficient confidence in me to l...
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Lady Anne
AT Portsmouth, during the representation of Richard the Third, on
Richard exclaiming, O, take more pity in thine eyes, and see him her...
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Nice Language
A MAN being tried for sheep-stealing, evidence was given that he had
been seen washing tripe. The counsel for the Crown, in examining ...
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Unpoetical Reply
A HARDY seaman, who had escaped one of the recent shipwrecks upon our
coast, was asked by a good lady how he felt when the waves broke...
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Imitation Of A Cow
MR. JAMES BOSWELL, the friend and biographer of Dr. Johnson, when a
youth, went to the pit of Covent Garden Theatre in company with Dr...
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Taking His Measure
A CONCEITED packman called at a farm-house in the west of Scotland, in
order to dispose of some of his wares. The goodwife was startle...
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Thurlow And Pitt
WHEN the Lord Chancellor Thurlow was supposed to be on no very friendly
terms with the Minister (Mr. Pitt), a friend asked the latter ...
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Epigram
(On Lord ----'s delivering his speeches in a sitting position, owing to
excessive gout.)
IN asserting that Z. is with villany r...
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A Happy Man
LORD M---- had a very exalted opinion of his own cleverness, and once
made the following pointed remark: When I happen to say a foolis...
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Vulgar Arguments
AT a club, of which Jerrold was a member, a fierce Jacobite, and a
friend, as fierce, of the cause of William the Third, were arguing
...
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A Clear Case
MR. JUSTICE MAULE would occasionally tax the powers of country juries.
Ex. gr. Gentlemen, said the judge, the learned counsel is perfe...
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The Latin For Cold
A SCHOOLMASTER asked one of his scholars in the winter time, what was
the Latin for cold. O sir, answered the lad, I forget at this mo...
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Piece De Resistance
DO come and dine with me, said John to Pat: you must; though I have
only a nice piece of beef and some potatoes for you.--O my dear
f...
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Lamb And Erskine
COUNSELLOR LAMB, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of his
reputation, was of timid and nervous disposition, usually prefa...
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True Wit
TRUE wit is like the brilliant stone
Dug from Golconda's mine;
Which boasts two various powers in one,
To cut as...
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Order! Order!
A BARRISTER opened a case somewhat confusedly. Mr. Justice Maule
interrupted him. I wish, Mr. ----, you would put your facts in some
...
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Theatrical Wit
HATTON, who was a considerable favorite at the Haymarket Theatre, and
particularly in the part of Jack Junk, was one night at Gosport,...
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The Cut Direct
A GENTLEMAN having his hair cut, was asked by the garrulous operator
how he would have it done?--If possible, replied the gentleman, i...
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Busy Bodies
A MASTER of a ship called out, Who is below? A boy answered, Will,
sir.--What are you doing?--Nothing, sir.--Is Tom there?--Yes,
said...
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The Hopeful Pupil
WHEN the comedy of She Stoops to Conquer was in rehearsal, Goldsmith
took great pains to give the performers his ideas of their severa...
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The Force Of Habit
A TOPING bookseller presented a check at the banking-house of Sir W.
Curtis and Co., and upon the cashier putting the usual question, ...
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Notice To Quit
AN Ayrshire gentleman, when out on the 1st of September, having failed
time after time in bringing down a single bird, had at last poi...
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A Literal Joke
LORD ELDON always pronounced the word lien as though it were lyon;
and Sir Arthur Pigot pronounced the same word lean. On this Jekyll
...
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An Argument
SAYS P--l--s, Why the Bishops are
By nature meant the soil to share,
I'll quickly make you understand;
For can we ...
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The Candle And Lantern
DURING the period Sir Busick Harwood was Professor of Anatomy in the
University of Cambridge, he was called in, in a case of some
dif...
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One Head Better Than A Dozen
KING HENRY VIII., designing to send an embassy to Francis I. at a very
dangerous juncture, the nobleman selected begged to be excused,...
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Keeping A Conscience
THE great controversy on the propriety of requiring a subscription to
articles of faith, as practised by the Church of England, excite...
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Debtor And Creditor
A TRADESMAN having dunned a customer for a long time, the debtor at last
desired his servant one morning to admit him. My friend, said...
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Portmanteau _v_ Trunk
SERJEANT WHITAKER, one of the most eminent lawyers of his day, was an
eccentric. A friend, at one of the assize towns, offered him a b...
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Seeing A Coronation
A SAD mistake was once made at court by the beautiful and celebrated
Duchess of Hamilton. Shortly before the death of George II., and ...
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Hook's Politeness
HOOK was once observed, during dinner, nodding like a Chinese mandarin
in a tea-shop. On being asked the reason, he replied, Why when ...
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On Napoleon's Statue At Boulogne Turned By Design Or
ACCIDENT, WITH ITS BACK TO ENGLAND.
UPON its lofty column's stand
Napoleon takes his place:
His back still turned upon...
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Old Times
A GENTLEMAN in company with Foote, took up a newspaper, saying, He
wanted to see what the ministry were about. Foote, with a smile,
r...
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An Arcadian
A LAZY fellow lying down on the grass said, O, how I do wish that this
was called work, and well paid!
...
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Johnson And Mrs Siddons
IN spite of the ill-founded contempt Dr. Johnson professed to entertain
for actors, he persuaded himself to treat Mrs. Siddons with gr...
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Rowing In The Same Boat
WE row in the same boat, you know, said a literary friend to Jerrold.
This literary friend was a comic writer, and a comic writer only...
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A Genuine Irish Bull
SIR BOYLE ROCHE said, Single misfortunes never come alone, and the
greatest of all possible misfortunes is generally followed by a muc...
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The Ruling Passion
IN the last illness of George Colman, the doctor being late in an
appointment, apologized to his patient, saying that he had been call...
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Epigram
(On ----'s late neglect of his judicial duties.)
LORD ----'S left his circuit for a day,
Which is to me a mystery profoun...
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Shakespeare Illustrated
DIGNUM and Moses Kean the mimic were both tailors. Charles Bannister met
them under the Piazza in Covent Garden, arm-in-arm. I never s...
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Degeneracy
THERE had been a carousing party at Colonel Grant's, the late Lord
Seafield, and two Highlanders were in attendance to carry the guest...
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Worthy Of Credit
A GENTLEMAN was applied to by a crossing-sweeper for charity. The
gentleman replied, I will remember you when I return.--Please your
...
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Paying In Kind
A FARMER, having lost some ducks, was asked by the counsel for the
prisoner accused of stealing them to describe their peculiarity. Af...
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Very Serious
A REGULAR physician being sent for by a quack, expressed his surprise at
being called in on an occasion apparently trifling. Not so tr...
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The Late Lord Audley
MR. PHILIP THICKNESSE, father of the late Lord Audley, being in want of
money, applied to his son for assistance. This being denied, h...
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Delicate Hint
QUEEN CAROLINE, when Princess of Wales, in one of her shrewd letters,
says, My better half, or my worse, which you choose, has been il...
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A Scotch Medium
AFTER giving Sandy certain directions about kirk matters, the minister
sniffed once or twice, and remarked, Saunders, I fear you have ...
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Epigram
A WATCH lost in a tavern! That's a crime;
Then see how men by drinking lose their time.
The watch kept time; and if time ...
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Perfect Discontent
AN old lady was in the habit of talking to Jerrold in a gloomy
depressing manner, presenting to him only the sad side of life. Hang
i...
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A Bad Bargain
A MAN bought a horse on condition that he should pay half down, and be
in debt for the remainder. A short time after, the seller deman...
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A Pious Minister
IF it be true that the heads of the country should set religious example
to their inferiors, the E---- of R----, in his observance of ...
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Sterne
SOME person remarked to him that apothecaries bore the same relation to
physicians that attorneys do to barristers. So they do, said S...
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Who's The Fool?
MR. SERGEANT PARRY, in illustration of a case, told the following
anecdote:--
Some merchants went to an Eastern sovereign, and exhi...
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Cold Comfort
A JURYMAN, kept several days at his own expense, sent a friend to the
judge to complain that he had been paid nothing for his attendan...
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A Great Difference
THE friends and opponents of the Bill, said a'Beckett, are divided
into two very distinct classes,--the a-bility and the no-bility.
...
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Oxford And Cambridge Actors
KING JAMES had two comedies acted before him, the one at Cambridge, the
other at Oxford; that at Cambridge was called Ignoramus, an in...
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Inquestnot Extraordinary
GREAT Bulwer's works fell on Miss Basbleu's head,
And in a moment, lo! the maid was dead!
A jury sat, and found the verdi...
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Strange Jetsum
A THIN old man, with a rag-bag in his hand, was picking up a number of
small pieces of whalebone which lay on the street. The deposit ...
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The Truth At Last
A GOOD instance of absence of mind was an editor quoting from a rival
paper one of his own articles, and heading it, Wretched Attempt ...
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A Pill Gratis
A PERSON desirous of impressing Lord Ellenborough with his importance,
said, I sometimes employ myself as a doctor.--Very likely, rema...
|
Rather Hard
WE are told that a member for old Sarum (consisting of one large
mansion) was once in danger of being pelted with stones; he would hav...
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Scotch Penetration
AN old lady who lived not far from Abbotsford, and from whom the Great
Unknown had derived many an ancient tale, was waited upon one d...
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A Question Of Time
WHEN Jeremy Taylor was introduced to the Archbishop of Canterbury, he
was told by the prelate, that his extreme youth was a bar to his...
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Epigram
(On the sincerity of a certain prelate.)
---- ----'S discourses from his heart
Proceed, as everybody owns;
And thus ...
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Concurrent Events
A YOUNG fellow, very confident in his abilities, lamented one day that
he had lost all his Greek. I believe it happened at the same ti...
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A Good Excuse
AN attorney on being called to account for having acted unprofessionally
in taking less than the usual fees from his client, pleaded t...
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Short And Sharp
WHY, Mr. B., said a tall youth to a little person who was in company
with half-a-dozen huge men, I protest you are so very small I did...
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Ireland's Forgery
SAYS Kemble to Lewis, Pray what is your play?
Cries Lewis to Kemble, The Lie of the Day!
Say you so? replied Kemble; why,...
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A Good One
LAMB and Coleridge were talking together on the incidents of Coleridge's
early life, when he was beginning his career in the church, a...
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Write Me Down An Ass
A VERY stupid foreman asked a judge how they were to ignore a bill.
Write Ignoramus for self and fellows on the back of it, said Curra...
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A Word To The Wise
DR. BALGUY, a preacher of great celebrity, after having preached an
excellent discourse at Winchester Cathedral, the text of which was...
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Liberal Gift
A COMEDIAN at Covent Garden advised one of the scene-shifters, who had
met with an accident, to try a subscription; and a few days aft...
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Easily Answered
A CERTAIN Lord Mayor hearing of a gentleman who had had the small-pox
twice, and died of it, asked, if he died the first time or the s...
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On The Latin Gerunds
WHEN Dido mourned, AEneas would not come,
She wept in silence, and was Di-Do-Dumb.
...
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Dodging A Creditor
A CREDITOR, whom he was anxious to avoid, met Sheridan coming out of
Pall Mall. There was no possibility of avoiding him, but he did n...
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Bad Habit
SIR FREDERICK FLOOD had a droll habit, of which he could never
effectually break himself. Whenever a person at his back whispered or
...
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Who's To Blame
KING JAMES used to say, that he never knew a modest man make his way in
a court. As he was repeating this expression one day, a David ...
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The Letter H
SIR JAMES SCARLETT, when at the Bar, had to cross-examine a witness
whose evidence it was thought would be very damaging, unless he co...
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Truth And Rhyme
IN the days of Charles II., candidates for holy orders were expected to
respond in Latin to the various interrogatories put to them by...
|
A Good Translation
PISTOR erat quondam, laborando qui fregit collum:
Qui fregit collum, collum fregitque suum.
Thus translated--
There ...
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Mad Quakers
A MAD Quaker belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of
greater importance than any other mad person of the same degree i...
|
Bacon
A MALEFACTOR, under sentence of death, pretending that he was related to
him, on that account petitioned Lord Chancellor Bacon for a r...
|
A Letter Wanting
SAID vain Andrew Scalp, My initials, I guess,
Are known, so I sign all my poems, A.S.
Said Jerrold, I own you're a retice...
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Advice To The Young
JERROLD said to an ardent young gentleman, who burned with a desire to
see himself in print, Be advised by me, young man: don't take d...
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A Promise To Pay
JOE HAINES was more remarkable for his practical jokes than for his
acting. He was seized one morning by two bailiffs, for a debt of 2...
|
Punctuation
SOME gentlemen talking on the inattention of writers to punctuation, it
was observed that the lawyers used no stops in their writings....
|
Con-cider-ate
LORD BOTTETOT, in passing through Gloucester, soon after the cider tax,
in which he was very unpopular, observing himself burning in e...
|
Fear Of Educating Women
THERE is a very general notion, that if you once suffer women to eat of
the tree of knowledge, the rest of the family will very soon b...
|
A-liquid
PORSON, once conversing with a party of congenial friends, seemed at a
loss for something to cheer the inward man, and drawing his gla...
|
Top And Bottom
THE following playful colloquy in verse took place at a dinner-table
between Sir George Rose and James Smith, in allusion to Craven St...
|
A Suggestive Present
JERROLD and a company of literary friends were out in the country. In
the course of their walk, they stopped to notice the gambols of ...
|
A New Disguise
THE Duke of Norfolk of Foote's time was much addicted to the bottle. On
a masquerade night, he asked Foote what new character he shoul...
|
Wet And Dry
DR. MACKNIGHT, who was a better commentator than preacher, having been
caught in a shower of rain, entered the vestry soaked with wet....
|
Rum And Water
A CERTAIN Scotchman, who is not a member of any temperance society,
being asked by a dealer to purchase some fine old Jamaica, dryly
...
|
A Budget Of Blunders
PERHAPS the best concentrated specimen of blunders, such as occur in all
nations, but which, of course, are fathered upon Paddy wholes...
|
If You Do Not Receive This Of Course It Must Have Miscarried
therefore I beg you will write to let me know.
...
|
Impromptu
(Spoken between the Third and Fourth Acts of Cowley's Tragedy The Fall
of Sparta.)
SO great thy art, that while we viewed,
...
|
Wilkes And A Liberty
SO ungrateful was the sound of Wilkes and No. 45 (the famous number of
the North Briton) to George III., that about 1772, George IV., ...
|
A Strange Objection
A GREAT drinker being at table, they offered him grapes at dessert.
Thank you! said he, pushing back the plate, I don't take my wine i...
|
The Timidity Of Beauty
IT'S a great comfort for timid men, that beauty, like the elephant,
doesn't know its strength. Otherwise, how it would trample upon
u...
|
Making A Clearance
AT Glasgow forty years ago, when the time had come for the bowl to be
introduced, some jovial and thirsty member of the company propos...
|
A Smart One-pounder
WHILE the Beggar's Opera was under rehearsal at the Haymarket Theatre,
in 1823, Miss Paton, who was to play the part of Polly, express...
|
Resignation
AN actor, on his benefit night, having a very limited audience, when he
came to the often-quoted passage, 'Tis not in mortals to comma...
|
Delpini's Remonstrance
DELPINI had repeatedly applied to the Prince of Wales to speak to the
Lord Chamberlain to grant him a license for a play at the Little...
|
A Phonetic Joke
A LITTLE girl playing at the game of I love my love with an A, &c.,
having arrived at the letter Z, displayed her orthographical
acqu...
|
Pure Folks
VERY pure folks won't be held up to the light and shown to be very dirty
bottles, without paying back hard abuse for the impertinence....
|
Good News For The Chancellor
WE have to congratulate the Right Honorable Lord Brougham on the
following piece of intelligence: Yarn has risen one farthing a
...
|
G A'b
...
|
Justice Not Always Blind
WESTMACOTT, of the Age paper, having libelled a gentleman, was well
thrashed for his pains. Declaring afterwards that he would have ju...
|
Kitchener And Colman
THE most celebrated wits and bon vivants of the day graced the
dinner-table of the late Dr. Kitchener, and, inter alia, the late
Geor...
|
A Spare Man
JERROLD said to a very thin man, Sir, you are like a pin, but without
the head or the point.
...
|
A Long Bill
WHEN Foote was at Salt Hill, he dined at the Castle Inn, and when
Partridge, the host, produced his bill, which was rather exorbitant,...
|
Royal Pun
WHEN a noble Admiral of the White, well known for his gallant spirit,
his gentlemanly manners, and real goodness of heart, was introdu...
|
A Colorable Resemblance
TWO silly brothers, twins, who were very much about town in Theodore
Hook's time, took pains, by dressing alike, to deceive their frie...
|
Spranger Barry
THIS celebrated actor was, perhaps, in no part so excellent as that of
Romeo, for which he was particularly fitted by an uncommonly ha...
|
Bad Sport
MR. HARE, formerly the envoy to Poland, had apartments in the same house
with Mr. Fox, and like his friend Charles, had frequent visit...
|
Measure For Measure
THE amiable Mrs. W---- always insists that her friends who take grog
shall mix equal quantities of spirits and water, though she never...
|
A Probability
JONATHAN and his friend Paddy were enjoying a delightful ride, when they
came in sight of what is very unusual in any civilized state
...
|
Legal Adulteration
SEVERAL publicans being assembled at Malton, in Yorkshire, in order to
renew their licenses to retail beer, the worthy magistrate addr...
|
Vox Et Praeterea Nihil
I WONDER if Brougham thinks as much as he talks,
Said a punster perusing a trial;
I vow, since his lordship was made ...
|
Salisbury Cathedral Spire
A SEXTON in Salisbury Cathedral was telling Charles Lamb that eight
people had dined at the pointed top of the spire; upon which Lamb
...
|
An Act Of Justice
DR. BARTON, being in company with Dr. Nash, who had just printed two
heavy folios on the antiquities of Worcestershire, remarked that ...
|
Liston's Dream
AS Liston lay wrapt in delicious repose,
Most harmoniously playing a tune with his nose,
In a dream there appeared the ad...
|
A Voluminous Speaker
A WELL-KNOWN lawyer, Mr. Marryatt, who declared he had never opened any
book after he left school but a law book, once told a jury, wh...
|
A Suggestive Question
DOUGLAS JERROLD, discussing one day with Mr. Selby, the vexed question
of adapting dramatic pieces from the French, that gentleman ins...
|
Love And Hymen
HYMEN comes when he is called, and Love when he pleases.
...
|
Par Nobile Fratrum
A FORMER laird of Brotherton was on all occasions a man of few words. He
had a favorite tame goose, and for hours together Brotherton ...
|
Plain Language
MR. JOHN CLERK, in pleading before the House of Lords one day, happened
to say, in his broadest Scotch accent, In plain English, ma Lo...
|
A Settler
A FARMER, in a stage-coach with Charles Lamb, kept boring him to death
with questions in the jargon of agriculturists about crops. At ...
|
Cash Payments
PETERSON the comedian lent a brother actor two shillings, and when he
made a demand for the sum, the debtor, turning peevishly from hi...
|
Lawyer's House
THE lawyer's house, if I have rightly read,
Is built upon the fool or madman's head.
...
|
A Reasonable Demand
COLONEL B---- was remarkably fat, and coming one night out of the
playhouse, called a chair; but while he was preparing to squeeze int...
|
Ebenezer Adams
THIS celebrated Quaker, on visiting a lady of rank, whom he found six
months after the death of her husband, sitting on a sofa covered...
|
One Bite At A Cherry
A YOUNG fellow once offered to kiss a Quakeress. Friend, said she,
thee must not do it.--O, by Jove! but I must, said the youth.
Well...
|
A Fig For The Grocer!
WHEN Abernethy was canvassing for the office of surgeon to St.
Bartholomew's Hospital, he called upon a rich grocer. The great man,
a...
|
Steam-boat Racing
SIR CHARLES LYELL, when in the United States, received the following
advice from a friend: When you are racing with an opposition
ste...
|
Gently Jemmy
SIR JAMES MACKINTOSH invited Dr. Parr to take a drive in his gig. The
horse became restive. Gently, Jemmy, says the doctor, don't irri...
|
What's In A Syllable?
LONGFELLOW, the poet, was introduced to one Longworth, and some one
noticed the similarity of the first syllable of the names. Yes, sa...
|
Quiet Theft
A SADDLE being missing at a funeral, it was observed, no wonder that
nothing was heard of it, for it is believed to have been stolen b...
|
Good Advice
A YOUNG man (placed by his friends as a student at a veterinary college)
being in company with some of his colleagues, was asked, If a...
|
Criticising A Statue
SOON after Canning's statue was put up in Palace Yard, in all its
verdant freshness, the carbonate of copper not yet blackened by the
...
|
A Comparison
DURING the assizes, in a case of assault and battery, where a stone had
been thrown by the defendant, the following clear and conclusi...
|
Fatigue Duty
A CERTAIN reverend gentleman in the country was complaining to another
that it was a great fatigue to preach twice a day. Oh! said the...
|
Gluttons And Epicures
STEPHEN KEMBLE (who was very fat) and Mrs. Esten, were crossing the
Frith, when a gale sprang up, which alarmed the passengers. Suppos...
|
A Bad End
IT was told of Jekyll, that one of his friends, a brewer, had been
drowned in his own vat. Ah! he exclaimed, floating in his own water...
|
On The Name Of Keopalani (queen Of The Sandwich Islands)
WHICH SIGNIFIES THE DROPPING OF THE CLOUDS FROM HEAVEN.
THIS name's the best that could be given,
As will by proof ...
|
Accommodating Principles
IN one of Sir Robert Walpole's letters, he gives a very instructive
picture of a skilful minister and a condescending Parliament. My d...
|
Boswell's Life Of Johnson
WHEN Boswell's Life of Johnson, first made its appearance, Boswell was
so full of it that he could neither think nor talk of anything ...
|
Very Like A Whale
THE first of all the royal infant males
Should take the title of the Prince of Wales;
Because 'tis clear to seamen and to...
|
A New Sign
A DRUNKEN fellow coming by a shop, asked an apprentice boy what the sign
was. He answered, that it was a sign he was drunk.
...
|
False Quantities
A YOUNG man who, on a public occasion, makes a false quantity at the
outset of life, can seldom or never get over it.
...
|
Not True
A LADY was asked by her friends if she really intended to marry Mr.
----, who was a good kind of a man, but so very singular. Well,
r...
|
Betting
THE folly of betting is well satirized in one of Walpole's Letters:
Sept. 1st, 1750,--They have put in the papers a good story made at...
|
Fire And Water
PADDY being asked if he thought of doing something, which, for his own
part, he deemed very unlikely, he said he should as soon think ...
|
The Railroad Engineer
THOUGH a railroad, learned Rector,
Passes near your parish spire;
Think not, sir, your Sunday lecture
E'er will ...
|
The Specific Gravity Of Folly
COLERIDGE once dined in company with a grave-looking person, an
admirable listener, who said nothing, but smiled and nodded, and thus
...
|
Equality
A HIGHWAYMAN and a chimney-sweeper were condemned to be hanged the same
time at Tyburn,--the first for an exploit on the highway, the ...
|
A Candid Counsel
AN Irish counsel being asked by the judge for whom was he concerned,
replied, I am concerned for the plaintiff, but I'm retained by th...
|
Trade Against Land
WHEN the late Mr. Whitbread's father, the brewer, first opposed the Duke
of Bedford's interest at Bedford, the Duke informed him that ...
|
True Evidence
A JEW called on to justify bail in the Court of Common Pleas, the opposing
counsel thus examined him: What is your name?--Jacob.--What...
|
Dr Young
DR. YOUNG was walking in his garden at Welwyn, in company with two
ladies (one of whom he afterwards married), when the servant came t...
|
A Yankee Yarn
MR. DICKENS tells an American story of a young lady, who, being
intensely loved by five young men, was advised to jump overboard, and
...
|
Save Us From Our Friends
THE old Scottish hearers were very particular on the subject of their
ministers' preaching old sermons; and to repeat a discourse whic...
|
Love Of The Sea
...
|
Dj
...
|
Unwelcome Agreement
A POMPOUS parish clergyman felt his dignity mightily offended by a
chubby-faced lad who was passing him without moving his hat. Do you...
|
Cooke's Explanation Of The Family Plate
AN American braggart told Cooke that his family was amongst the oldest
in Maryland. Cooke inquired if he had carefully examined the fa...
|
A Specimen Of University Etiquette
A POOR youth, brought up in one of the colleges, could not afford the
price of a pair of shoes, but when his old ones were worn out at...
|
A Medical Opinion
AN unfortunate man, who had never drank water enough to warrant the
disease, was reduced to such a state by dropsy, that a consultatio...
|
The Cause
LISETTE has lost her wanton wiles--
What secret care consumes her youth,
And circumscribes her smiles?
A speck o...
|
What's Going On?
A VERY prosy gentleman, who was in the habit of waylaying Jerrold, met
his victim, and, planting himself in the way, said, Well, Jerro...
|
Snoring
A CERTAIN deacon being accustomed to snore while asleep in church, he
received the following polite note: Deacon ---- is requested not...
|
Two Make A Pair
SOON after the attack of Margaret Nicholson on the life of George III.,
the following bill was stuck up in the window of an obscure al...
|
Almanac-makers
TWO women scolding each other, one said, Thou liest like a thief and a
witch. The other replies, But thou liest like an almanac-maker;...
|
A Black Joke
A GENTLEMAN at Limehouse observed the laborers at work in a tier of
colliers, and wanting to learn the price of coals, hailed one of t...
|
Epigram
HE that will never look upon an ass,
Must lock his door and break his looking-glass.
...
|
Exaggeration
A MAN was boasting before a companion of his very strong sight. I can
discern from here a mouse on the top of that very high tower.--I...
|
Winning A Loss
A SWELL clerk from London, who was spending an evening in a country inn
full of company, and feeling secure in the possession of most ...
|
Advice Gratis
ON the trial of a cause in the Court of Common Pleas, Mr. Serjeant
Vaughan having asked a witness a question rather of law than of
fa...
|
Short Commons
AT a shop-window in the Strand there appeared the following notice:
Wanted, two apprentices, who will be treated as one of the family....
|
Licensed To Kill
WHEN an inferior actor at the Haymarket once took off David Garrick,
Foote limped from the boxes to the green-room, and severely rated...
|
Wilkes And Liberty
WHEN Wilkes was in France, and at Court, Madame Pompador addressed him
thus: You Englishmen are fine fellows; pray how far may a man g...
|
A Pat Reply
LORD J. RUSSELL endeavored to persuade Lord Langdale to resign the
permanent Mastership of the Rolls for the uncertain position of Lor...
|
Lord North Asleep
HIS Lordship was accustomed to sleep during the Parliamentary harangues
of his adversaries, leaving Sir Grey Cooper to note down anyth...
|
Rather Saucy
YOU had better ask for manners than money, said a finely-dressed
gentleman to a beggar who asked for alms.
I asked for what I thoug...
|
Long Story
A LOQUACIOUS lady, ill of a complaint of forty years' standing, applied
to Mr. Abernethy for advice, and had begun to describe its pro...
|
Euclid Refuted
...
|
Axiom)
THIS is a vulgar error, as I'll prove,
Or freely forfeit half a pipe of sherry;
'Tis plain one sixteenth part of Brough...
|
Bred On The Boards
WHEN Morris had the Haymarket Theatre, Jerrold, on a certain occasion,
had reason to find fault with the strength, or rather, the want...
|
On The Dulness Of A Debate In The House Of Commons
NO wonder the debate fell dead
'Neath such a constant fire of lead.
...
|
Painting
A NOBLEMAN who was a great amateur painter showed one of his
performances to Turner. That great artist said to him, My lord, you
want...
|
Old Age
A VERY old man, who was commonly very dull and heavy, had now and then
intervals of gayety: some person observed, he resembles an old ...
|
An Effort Of Memory
WOULD you think it? said A. to B. Mr. Roscius has taken a week to
study a Prologue which I wrote in a day.--His memory is evidently
n...
|
A Ready Reckoner
A MAN entered a shop, saying he should like a two-penny loaf, which was
accordingly placed before him. As if suddenly changing his min...
|
A Rowland For An Oliver
MR. HAWKINS, Q.C., engaged in a cause before the late Lord Campbell, had
frequently to mention the damage done to a carriage called a ...
|
True Politeness
SIR W.G., when governor of Williamsburg, returned the salute of a negro
who was passing. Sir, said a gentleman present, do you descend...
|
A Rake's Economy
WITH cards and dice, and dress and friends,
My savings are complete;
I light the candle at both ends,
And thus m...
|
Easily Satisfied
A COWARDLY fellow having spoken impertinently to a gentleman, received a
violent box of the ear. He demanded whether that was meant in...
|
Pert
MACKLIN was once annoyed at Foote laughing and talking just as the
former was about to begin a lecture. Well, sir, you seem to be very...
|
A Royal Muff
THE following anecdote was told with great glee at a dinner by William
IV., then Duke of Clarence: I was riding in the Park the other ...
|
'nice
...
|
'pretty Fair' Was My
...
|
'mine's A Good 'un Too' Rejoined He; 'and I'll Trot You To
Hampton-wick for a pot o' beer.' I declined the match; and the butcher's
boy, as he stuck his single spur into his horse's side, exclaim...
|
A Broad Hint
AN eminent barrister having a case sent to him for an opinion--the case
being outrageously preposterous--replied, in answer to the que...
|
A Taste Of Marriage
A GENTLEMAN described to Jerrold the bride of a mutual friend. Why, he
is six foot high, and she is the shortest woman I ever saw. Wha...
|
The Last War
MR. PITT, speaking in the House of Commons of the glorious war which
preceded the disastrous one in which we lost the colonies, called...
|
The Philanthropist
JERROLD hated the cant of philanthropy, and writhed whenever he was
called a philanthropist in print. On one occasion, when he found h...
|
Too Much Of A Bad Thing
ENGLISH tourists in Ireland soon discover that the length of Irish miles
constantly recurs to their observation; eleven Irish miles be...
|
Epigram
(On the King's double dealing.)
OF such a paradox as this,
Before I never dreamt;
The King of England has become,
...
|
Painting
A GENTLEMAN seeing a fine painting representing a man playing on the
lute, paid this high compliment to the artist. When I look on tha...
|
Nil Nisi Etc
A GENTLEMAN calling for beer at another gentleman's table, finding it
very bad, declined drinking it. What! said the master of the hou...
|
Odd Foresight
LADY MARGARET HERBERT asked somebody for a pretty pattern for a
nightcap. Well, said the person, what signifies the pattern of a
nigh...
|
Thereby Hangs Etc
A CERTAIN Irish judge, called the Hanging Judge, and who had never been
known to shed a tear except when Macheath, in the Beggar's Ope...
|
General Wolfe
GENERAL WOLFE invited a Scotch officer to dine with him; the same day he
was also invited by some brother officers. You must excuse me...
|
A Question For The Peerage
AS the late Trades Unions, by way of a show,
Over Westminster-bridge strutted five in a row,
I feel for the bridge, whisp...
|
A Noise For Nothing
WHEN Thomas Sheridan was in a nervous, debilitated state, and dining
with his father at Peter Moore's, the servant, in passing by the
...
|
Short Measure
SOME one wrote in a hotel visitors' book his initials, A.S. A wag
wrote underneath, Two-thirds of the truth.
...
|
Decanting Extraordinary
THEODORE HOOK once said to a man at whose table a publisher got very
drunk, Why, you appear to have emptied your wine-cellar into your...
|
A Dilemma
WHILST a country parson was preaching, the chief of his parishioners
sitting near the pulpit was fast asleep: whereupon he said, Now,
...
|
How To Make A Man Of Consequence
A BROW austere, a circumspective eye,
A frequent shrug of the os humeri,
A nod significant, a stately gait,
A bluste...
|
A Cheap Watch
A SAILOR went to a watchmaker, and presenting a small French watch to
him, demanded to know how much the repair of it would come to. T...
|
Scotch Wut
A LAIRD riding past a high, steep bank, stopped opposite a hole in it,
and said, John, I saw a brock gang in there.--Did ye, said John...
|
Attending To A Wish
I WISH you would pay a little attention, sir! exclaimed a stage
manager to a careless actor. Well, sir, so I am paying as little as I
...
|
A Mechanical Surgeon
A VALIANT sailor, that had lost his leg formerly in the wars, was
nevertheless, for his great prudence and courage, made captain of a
...
|
Canine Poetry
A PRETTY little dog had written on its collar the following distich:--
This collar don't belong to you, sir,
Pass on--or yo...
|
Footiana
FOOTE praising the hospitality of the Irish, after one of his trips to
the sister kingdom, a gentleman asked him whether he had ever b...
|
Night And Morning
AN industrious tradesman having taken a new apprentice, awoke him at a
very early hour on the first morning, by calling out that the f...
|
Full Inside
CHARLES LAMB, one afternoon, in returning from a dinner-party, took his
seat in a crowded omnibus, when a stout gentleman subsequently...
|
A Short Journey
AN old clergyman one Sunday, at the close of the sermon, gave notice to
the congregation that in the course of the week he expected to...
|
A Poser By Lord Ellenborough
DURING the Chief-Justiceship of the late Lord Ellenborough there was a
horse-cause, to which a certain Privy Councillor was a party, a...
|
Epigram
CRIES Sylvia to a Reverend Dean,
What reason can be given,
Since marriage is a holy thing,
That there are none i...
|
An Artistic Touch
WHEN Moore was getting his portrait painted by Newton, Sydney Smith, who
accompanied the poet, said to the artist, Couldn't you contri...
|
Value Of Applause
SOME one remarked to Mrs. Siddons that applause was necessary to actors,
as it gave them confidence. More, replied the actress; it giv...
|
Little To Give
A STINGY husband threw off the blame of the rudeness of his children in
company, by saying that his wife always Gives them their own
...
|
A Good Swimmer
A FOOLISH scholar having almost been drowned in his first attempt at
swimming, vowed that he would never enter the water again until h...
|
No Pride
A DENIZEN of the good city of St. Andrews, long desirous of being
elected deacon of his craft, after many years of scheming and bowing...
|
Lord Clonmel
THE late Lord Clonmel, who never thought of demanding more than a
shilling for an affidavit, used to be well satisfied, provided it wa...
|
Queer Partners
JERROLD, at a party, noticed a doctor in solemn black waltzing with a
young lady who was dressed in a silk of brilliant blue. As I liv...
|
Corruptly Incorruptible
CHARLES THE SECOND once said to Sidney, Look me out a man that can't be
corrupted: I have sent three treasurers to the North, and they...
|
Epigram On The Marriage Of A Very Thin Couple
ST. PAUL has declared that, when persons, though twain,
Are in wedlock united, one flesh they remain.
But had he been by,...
|
Good Authority
HORNE TOOKE, during his contest for Westminster, was thus addressed by a
partisan of his opponent, of not a very reputable character. ...
|
Luxurious Smoking
THE most luxurious smoker I ever knew, says Mr. Paget, was a young
Transylvanian, who told me that his servant always inserted a light...
|
No Judge
A CERTAIN Judge having somewhat hastily delivered judgment in a
particular case, a King's Counsel observed, in a tone loud enough to
...
|
Relations Of Mankind
BY what curious links, and fantastical relations, are mankind connected
together! At the distance of half the globe, a Hindoo gains hi...
|
Ss
...
|
Very True
SERJEANT MAYNARD, a famous lawyer in the days of the Stuarts, called law
an ars bablativa.
...
|
Epigram
(Accounting for the apostacy of ministers.)
THE Whigs, because they rat and change
To Toryism, all must spurn;
Yet i...
|
Drinking Alone
THE author of the Parson's Daughter, when surprised one evening in his
arm-chair, two or three hours after dinner, is reported to have...
|
A Musical Blow-up
THE Rev. Mr. B----, when residing at Canterbury some years ago, was
reckoned a good violoncello-player. His sight being dim obliged hi...
|
Ready-made Wood Pavement
WHEN the Marylebone vestrymen were discussing the propriety of laying
down wood pavement within their parish, and were raising difficu...
|
Proper Distinction
AN undergraduate had unconsciously strayed into the garden of a certain
D.D., then master of the college adjoining. He had not been th...
|
Graceful Excuse
WILLIAM IV. seemed in a momentary dilemma one day, when, at table with
several officers, he ordered one of the waiters to take away th...
|
Slack Payment
EXAMINING a country squire who disputed a collier's bill, Curran asked,
Did he not give you the coals, friend?--He did, sir, but----Bu...
|
Way Of Using Books
STERNE used to say, The most accomplished way of using books is to
serve them as some people do lords, learn their titles and then bra...
|
Patrick Henry
WHEN Patrick Henry, who gave the first impulse to the ball of the
American Revolution, introduced his celebrated resolution on the Sta...
|
Rogerspoet And Skipper
ROGERS used to say that a man who attempts to read all the new
publications must often do as the flea does--skip.
...
|
Our English Love Of Dinners
IF an earthquake were to engulf England to-morrow, said Jerrold, the
English would manage to meet and dine somewhere among the rubbish...
|
Epigram
WHEN by a jury one is tried,
Twelve of his equals are implied;
Then W---- might attempt in vain,
This sacred privile...
|
Reformation
JUDGE BURNET, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said
to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day fou...
|
The Jest Of Ancestry
LORD CHESTERFIELD placed among the portraits of his ancestors two old
heads, inscribed Adam de Stanhope, and Eve de Stanhope: the ridi...
|
Equal To Nothing
ON being informed that the judges in the Court of Common Pleas had
little or nothing to do, Bushe remarked, Well, well, they're equal ...
|
Familiarity
A WAITER named Samuel Spring having occasion to write to his late
Majesty, George IV., when Prince of Wales, commenced his letter as
...
|
Extraordinary Compromise
AT Durham assize a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages
against a neighbor, was being examined, when the judge suggest...
|
Mac Ready To Call
IN the time of Sir John Macpherson's Indian government, most of his
staff consisted of Scotch gentlemen, whose names began with Mac. O...
|
Epigram
(On the oiled and perfumed ringlets of a certain Lord.)
OF miracles this is sans doute the most rare,
I ever perceived, hea...
|
Look-a-head
A TORY member declared the extent of the Reform Bill positively made the
hair of members on his side the house to stand on end. On the...
|
The Birth Of A Prince
JERROLD was at a party when the Park guns announced the birth of a
prince. How they do powder these babies! Jerrold exclaimed.
...
|
Setting Him Up To Knock Him Down
TOM MOORE, observing himself to be eyed by two handsome young ladies,
inquired of a friend, who was near enough to hear their remarks,...
|
Brief Correspondence
MRS. FOOTE, mother of Aristophanes, experienced the caprice of fortune
nearly as much as her son. The following laconic letters passed...
|
Man-traps
IT being unlawful to set man-traps and spring-guns, a gentleman once hit
upon a happy device. He was a scholar, and being often asked ...
|
A Colorable Excuse
A LADY who painted her face, asked Parsons how he thought she looked. I
can't tell, madam, he replied, except you uncover your face.
...
|
Consistency
NO wonder Tory landlords flout
Fixed Duty, for 'tis plain
With them the Anti-Corn-Law Bill
Must go against the g...
|
A Wonderful Cure
DOCTOR HILL, a notorious wit, physician, and man of letters, having
quarrelled with the members of the Royal Society, who had refused ...
|
An Accommodating Physician
IS there anything the matter with you? said a physician to a person
who had sent for him. O dear, yes, I am ill all over, but I don't ...
|
Choice Spirits
AN eminent spirit-merchant in Dublin announced, in one of the Irish
papers, that he has still a small quantity of the whiskey on sale ...
|
An Explanation
YOUNG, the author of Night Thoughts, paid a visit to Potter, son of
Archbishop Potter, who lived in a deep and dirty part of Kent, thr...
|
Impromptu By Rb Sheridan
LORD ERSKINE having once asserted, in the presence of Lady Erskine and
Mr. Sheridan, that a wife was only a tin canister tied to one's...
|
Law And Physic
A LEARNED judge being asked the difference between law and equity
courts, replied, At common law you are done for at once: at equity, ...
|
Impromptu
COUNSELLOR (afterwards Chief Justice) BUSHE, being on one occasion asked
which of a company of actors he most admired, maliciously rep...
|
Notions Of Happiness
WERE I but a king, said a country boy, I would eat my fill of fat
bacon, and swing upon a gate all day long.
...
|
A Forgetful Man
WHEN Jack was poor, the lad was frank and free.
Of late he's grown brimful of pride and pelf;
No wonder that he don't r...
|
Reputation
REPUTATION is to notoriety what real turtle is to mock.
...
|
An Unfortunate Lover
IT was asked by a scholar why Master Thomas Hawkins did not marry Miss
Blagrove; he was answered, He couldn't master her, so he missed...
|
Epigram
THE jolly members of a toping club
Like pipe-staves are, but hooped into a tub;
And in a close confederacy link
For ...
|
A Bad Lot
THE household furniture of an English barrister, then recently deceased,
was being sold, in a country town, when one neighbor remarked...
|
Filial Affection
TWO ladies who inhabit Wapping were having some words together on the
pavement, when the daughter of one of them popped her head out o...
|
Leg Wit
ONE night Erskine was hastening out of the House of Commons, when he was
stopped by a member going in, who accosted him, Who's up,
Er...
|
Epigram On Dr Glynn's Beauty
THIS morning, quite dead, Tom was found in his bed,
Although he was hearty last night;
'Tis thought having seen Dr. Gly...
|
A Sinecure
ONE Patrick Maguire had been appointed to a situation the reverse of a
place of all work; and his friends, who called to congratulate ...
|
A Good Jail Delivery
BROTHER DAVID DEWAR was a plain, honest, straightforward man, who never
hesitated to express his convictions, however unpalatable they...
|
Where Is The Audience?
THE manager of a country theatre looked into the house between the acts,
and turned with a face of dismay to the prompter, with the qu...
|
Knowing Best
I WISH, reverend father, said Curran to Father O'Leary, that you were
St. Peter, and had the keys of heaven, because then you could le...
|
Agricultural Experiences
THE late Bishop Blomfield, when a Suffolk clergyman, asked a school-boy
what was meant in the Catechism by succoring his father and mo...
|
Parliamentary Reprimand
IN the reign of George II., Mr. Crowle, a counsel of some eminence, was
summoned to the bar of the House of Commons to receive a repri...
|
A Stop Watch
A GENTLEMAN missing his watch in a crowd at the theatre, observed, with
great coolness, that he should certainly recover it, having bo...
|
Sir Anthony Malone
LORD MANSFIELD used to remark that a lawyer could do nothing without his
fee. This is proved by the following fact: Sir Anthony Malone...
|
The Orators
TO wonder now at Balaam's ass, is weak;
Is there a day that asses do not speak?
...
|
Modern Acting
JERROLD was told that a certain well-puffed tragedian, who has a husky
voice, was going to act Cardinal Wolsey,
Jerrold.--Cardinal ...
|
Few Friends
A NOBLEMAN, extremely rich but a miser, stopping to change horses at
Athlone, the carriage was surrounded by paupers, imploring alms, ...
|
Diffidence
AN Irishman charged with an assault, was asked by the judge whether he
was guilty or not. How can I tell, was the reply, till I have h...
|
Essay On Man
AT ten, a child; at twenty, wild;
At thirty, tame, if ever;
At forty, wise; at fifty, rich;
At sixty, good, or n...
|
In-door Relief
A MELTING sermon being preached in a country church, all fell a-weeping
but one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest...
|
Highland Politeness
SIR WALTER SCOTT had marked in his diary a territorial greeting of two
proprietors which had amused him much. The laird of Kilspindie ...
|
An Odd Question
COUNSELOR RUDD, of the Irish bar, was equally remarkable for his love of
whist, and the dingy color of his linen. My dear Dick, said C...
|
Not Insured Against Fire
FOOTE went to spend his Christmas with Mr. B----, when, the weather
being very cold, and but bad fires, occasioned by a scarcity of wo...
|
Natural Grief
ONE hiring a lodging said to the landlady, I assure you, madam, I am so
much liked that I never left a lodging but my landlady shed
t...
|
A Proverb Reversed
EXAMPLE is better than precept they say,
With our parson the maxim should run t'other way;
For so badly he acts, and so w...
|
A Close Escape
ONE of James Smith's favorite anecdotes related to Colonel Greville. The
Colonel requested young James to call at his lodgings, and in...
|
A Hard Hit
MAJOR B----, a great gambler, said to Foote, Since I last saw you, I
have lost an eye.--I am sorry for it, said Foote, pray at what
g...
|
The Time Out Of Joint
SOME one who had been down in Lord Kenyon's kitchen, remarked that he
saw the spit shining as bright as if it had never been used. Why...
|
Money's Worth
A SOLDIER, having retired from service, thought to raise a few pounds by
writing his adventures. Having completed the manuscript, he o...
|
His Wayout
SIR RICHARD JEBB, the famous physician, who was very rough and harsh in
his manner, once observed to a patient to whom he had been ext...
|
A Growl
HE that's married once may be
Pardoned his infirmity.
He that marries twice is mad:
But, if you can find a fool
...
|
A Modern Sculptor
BROWN and Smith were met by an overdressed individual, Do you know that
chap, Smith? said Brown. Yes, I know him; that is, I know of
...
|
A Difficult Task
YOU have only yourself to please, said a married friend to an old
bachelor. True, replied he, but you cannot tell what a difficult
ta...
|
The Gouty Shoe
JAMES SMITH used to tell, with great glee, a story showing the general
conviction of his dislike to ruralities. He was sitting in the ...
|
A Lusus Naturae
AN agricultural society offered premiums to farmers' daughters, girls
under twenty-one years of age, who should exhibit the best lots ...
|
A Case Of Necessity
A SHOPKEEPER, who had stuck up a notice in glaring capitals, Selling
off! Must close on Saturday! was asked by a friend, What! are you...
|
Species And Specie
IN preaching a charity sermon, Sydney Smith frequently repeated the
assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were most distinguished...
|
Dr Johnson
WHEN Dr. Johnson courted Mrs. Potter, whom he afterwards married, he
told her that he was of mean extraction; that he had no money; an...
|
The Poet Foiled
TO win the maid the poet tries,
And sonnets writes to Julia's eyes,
She likes a verse, but, cruel whim,
She still ap...
|
A Comedian And A Lawyer
A FEW years ago, when Billy Burton, the American actor, was in his
trouble, a young lawyer was examining him as to how he had spent hi...
|
Vice Versa
IT is asserted that the bad Ministers have contracted the National Debt.
This cannot be; for instead of contracting it at all, bad Min...
|
Nothing Personal
AT a dinner-party one day a certain knight, whose character was
considered to be not altogether unexceptionable, said he would give th...
|
A Hint For Genealogists
MR. MOORE, who derived his pedigree from Noah, explained it in this
manner: Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham, and one more.
...
|
A Mistake
OLD Dick Baldwin stoutly maintained that no man ever died of drinking.
Some puny things, he said, have died of learning to drink, but ...
|
An Impossible Renunciation
THE late Dr. Risk, of Dalserf, being one of the moderators, did not
satisfy, by his preaching, the Calvinistic portion of his flock. W...
|
The Humane Society At An Evening Party
AT an evening party, a very elderly lady was dancing with a young
partner. A stranger approached Jerrold, who was looking on, and said...
|
A Proud Heart
MATHEWS, whose powers in conversation and whose flow of anecdote in
private life transcended even his public efforts, told a variety o...
|
Sent Home Free
A VERY considerate hotel-keeper, advertising his Burton XXXX,
concludes the advertisement: N.B. Parties drinking more than four
glass...
|
Charles Ii And Milton
CHARLES II. and his brother James went to see Milton, to reproach him,
and finished a profusion of insults with saying, You old villai...
|
Whose?
SYDNEY SMITH being ill, his physician advised him to take a walk upon
an empty stomach.--Upon whose? said he.
...
|
Puppies Never See Till They Are Nine Days Old
IT is related, that when a former Bishop of Bristol held the office of
Vice-Chancellor of the University of Cambridge, he one day met ...
|
Epigram
(On Lord W----'s saying the independence of the House of Lords is gone.)
THE independence of the Lords is gone,
Says W----,...
|
Confidencetaken From The French
ON the first night of the representation of one of Jerrold's pieces, a
successful adaptator from the French rallied him on his nervous...
|
Better Known Than Trusted
A WELL-KNOWN borrower stopped a gentleman whom he did not know, and
requested the loan of a sovereign. Sir, said the gentleman, I am
...
|
Will And The Way
AT a provincial Law Society's dinner the president called upon the
senior attorney to give as a toast the person whom he considered th...
|
A Reasonable Excuse
A PERSON lamented the difficulty he found in persuading his friends to
return the volumes which he had lent them. Sir, replied a frien...
|
Bewick The Engraver
WHEN the Duke of Northumberland first called to see Mr. Bewick's
workshops at Newcastle, he was not personally known to the engraver. ...
|
Summary Decision
MR. BROUGHAM, when at the bar, opened before Lord Chief Justice
Tenterden an action for the amount of a wager laid upon the event of a...
|
A Disappointing Subscriber
TO all letters soliciting subscriptions, Lord Erskine had a regular
form of reply, namely: Sir, I feel much honored by your applicatio...
|
Habeas Corpus Act
BISHOP BURNET relates a curious circumstance respecting the origin of
that important statute, the Habeas Corpus Act. It was carried, s...
|
A Runaway Knock
DOUGLAS JERROLD describing a very dangerous illness from which he had
just recovered, said--Ay, sir, it was a runaway knock at Death's...
|
Common Politeness
TWO gentlemen having a difference, one went to the other's door and
wrote Scoundrel! upon it. The other called upon his neighbor, and ...
|
The Wheel Of Fortune
JEKYLL saw in Colman's chambers a squirrel in the usual round cage. Ah!
poor devil, said Jekyll, he's going the Home Circuit.
...
|
A Soporific
A SPENDTHRIFT being sold up, Foote, who attended every day, bought
nothing but a pillow; on which a gentleman asked him, What particul...
|
Charitable Wit
WIT in an influential form was displayed by the Quaker gentleman
soliciting subscription for a distressed widow, for whom everybody
e...
|
Use Is Second Nature
A TAILOR that was ever accustomed to steal some of the cloth his
customer brought, when he came one day to make himself a suit, stole
...
|
Epigram
(On a certain M.P.'s indisposition.)
HASTE son of Celsus, P--rc--v--l is ill;
Dissect an ass before you try your skill.
...
|
Liquid Remedy For Baldness
USE brandy externally until the hair grows, and then take it internally
to clinch the roots.
...
|
An Ingenious Device
THE Irish girl told her forbidden lover she was longing to possess his
portrait, and intended to obtain it. But how if your friends se...
|
The Rebel Lords
AT the trial of the rebel lords, George Selwyn, seeing Bethel's sharp
visage looking wistfully at the prisoners, said, What a shame it...
|
A Change For The Better
HOW are you this morning? said Fawcett to Cooke.
Not at all myself, says the tragedian. Then I congratulate you,
replied Fawcett; f...
|
The Direct Road
WALKING to his club one evening with a friend, some intoxicated young
gentleman reeled up to Douglas Jerrold, and said: Can you tell u...
|
A Suggestive Pair Of Grays
JERROLD was enjoying a drive one day with a well-known,--a jovial
spendthrift.
Well, Jerrold, said the driver of a very fine pair o...
|
Dr Johnson's Opinion Of Mrs Siddons
WHEN Dr. Johnson visited Mrs. Siddons, he paid her two or three very
elegant compliments. When she retired, he said to Dr. Glover, Sir...
|
A Good Neighbor
THE Duke of L.'s reply, when it was observed to him, that the gentlemen
bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon them, a...
|
An Equivocation
A DIMINUTIVE attorney, named Else, once asked Jekyll: Sir, I hear you
have called me a pettifogging scoundrel. Have you done so, sir?-...
|
A Wise Fool
A PERSON wishing to test whether a daft individual, about whom a variety
of opinions were entertained,--some people thinking him not s...
|
On A Bald Head
MY hair and I are quit, d'ye see;
I first cut him, he now cuts me.
...
|
Lie For Lie
TWO gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed by them, one
said, There goes the handsomest woman you ever saw. She turned ba...
|
A Man Without A Rival
GENERAL LEE one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a
handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a...
|
Advice To A Dramatist
YOUR comedy I've read, my friend,
And like the half you've pilfered best;
But, sure, the Drama you might mend;
T...
|
Garrick And Foote
THE Lying Valet being one hot night annexed as an afterpiece to the
comedy of The Devil upon Two Sticks, Garrick, coming into the Gree...
|
Nothing To Laugh At
WHEN Lord Lauderdale intimated his intentions to repeat some good thing
Sheridan had mentioned to him, Pray, don't, my dear Lauderdale...
|
Quite Aground
IT is said that poor H---- T---- has been living on his wits. He
certainly must be content with very limited premises.
...
|
A Judge In A Fog
ONE of the judges of the King's Bench, in an argument on the
construction of a will, sagely declared, It appeared to him that the
tes...
|
The Letter H
IN a dispute, whether the letter H was really a letter or a simple
aspiration, Rowland Hill contended that it was the former; adding t...
|
Only Enough For One
SHERIDAN was once staying at the house of an elderly maiden lady in the
country, who wanted more of his company than he was willing to...
|
The Ruling Passion Strong In Death
CURRAN'S ruling passion was his joke. In his last illness, his physician
observing in the morning that he seemed to cough with more di...
|
Epigram
(On the charge of illegally pawning brought against Captain B----, M.P.)
IF it's true a newly made M.P.
Has coolly pawned h...
|
Cup And Saucer
A GENTLEMAN, who was remarkable at once for Bacchanalian devotion and
remarkably large and starting eyes, was one evening the subject ...
|
A New Reading
KEMBLE playing Hamlet in the country, the gentleman who acted
Guildenstern was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician.
Hamlet...
|
Conceited But Not Seated
SEVERAL ex-members are announced as about to stand at the ensuing
elections, and indeed it is probable many will have to do so after t...
|
G A'b
...
|
Strange Vespers
A MAN who had a brother, a priest, was asked, Has your brother a
living?--No.--How does he employ himself?--He says mass in the
morni...
|
A Transformation Scene
SIR B---- R----, in one of the debates on the question of the Union,
made a speech in favor of it, which he concluded by saying, That ...
|
An Acceptable Deprivation
THE Duke of C--mb--l--d has taken from this country a thing which not one
person in it will grudge: of course we are understood at onc...
|
G A'b
...
|
Accurate Description
A CERTAIN lawyer received a severe injury from something in the shape of
a horsewhip. Where were you hurt? said a medical friend. Was ...
|
Solomon's Temple
WHEN Reginald Heber read his prize poem of Palestine to Sir Walter
Scott, the latter observed that, in the verses on Solomon's Temple,...
|
The Staffordshire Collieries
MANY anecdotes might be collected to show the great difficulty of
discovering a person in the collieries without being in possession o...
|
A Poser
FOOTE was once met by a friend in town with a young man who was flashing
away very brilliantly, while Foote seemed grave: Why, Foote, ...
|
Minding His Cue
MR. ELLISTON was enacting the part of Richmond; and having, during the
evening, disobeyed the injunction which the King of Denmark lay...
|
Epigram
(On a little member's versatility.)
WHY little Neddy ---- yearns
To rat, there is a reason strong,
He needs be every...
|
Late And Early
THE regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the literary tastes
and the wayward habits of Charles Lamb. Once, at the India Hous...
|
Fair Play
CURRAN, who was a very small man, having a dispute with a brother
counsel (who was a very stout man), in which words ran high on both
...
|
Something Lacking
HOOK was walking one day with a friend, when the latter, pointing out on
a dead wall an incomplete inscription, running, WARREN'S B---...
|
The Honest Man's Litany
FROM a wife of small fortune, but yet very proud,
Who values herself on her family's blood:
Who seldom talks sense, but f...
|
Three Degrees Of Comparison
A LADY, proud of her rank and title, once compared the three classes of
people, nobility, gentry, and commonalty, to china, delf, and ...
|
Men Of Letters
A CORRESPONDENT, something new
Transmitting, signed himself X.Q.
The editor his letter read,
And begged he might be ...
|
Elegant Retort
IT is a common occurrence in the University of Cambridge for the
undergraduates to express their approbation or disapprobation of the
...
|
Snug Lying
A VISITOR at Churchtown, North Meols, thought people must like to be
buried in the churchyard there, because it was so healthy.
...
|
A Proper Answer
A KNAVISH attorney asking a very worthy gentleman what was honesty,
What is that to you? said he; meddle with those things that concer...
|
Good Hearing
I HEARD last week, friend Edward, thou wast dead,
I'm very glad to hear it, too, cries Ned.
...
|
An Unconscious Postscript
GEORGE SELWYN once affirmed, in company, that no woman ever wrote a
letter without a postscript. My next letter shall refute you! said...
|
Hoaxing An Audience
COOKE was announced one evening to play the Stranger at the Dublin
Theatre. When he made his appearance, evident marks of agitation we...
|
The Season-ings
COME here, Johnny, and tell me what the four seasons are. Young
Prodigy: Pepper, salt, mustard, and vinegar.
...
|
Not At Home
A WEAVER, after enjoying his potations, pursued his way home through the
churchyard, his vision and walking somewhat impaired. As he p...
|
Lincoln's-inn Dinners
ON the evening of the coronation-day of our gracious Queen, the Benchers
of Lincoln's Inn gave the students a feed; when a certain pro...
|
Why Are Women Beardless?
HOW wisely Nature, ordering all below,
Forbade a beard on woman's chin to grow,
For how could she be shaved (whate'er the...
|
Cool Retort
HENDERSON, the actor, was seldom known to be in a passion. When at
Oxford, he was one day debating with a fellow-student, who, not kee...
|
Lying
DON'T give your mind to lying. A lie may do very well for a time, but,
...
|
Dj
...
|
Pertinent Inquiry
A PERSON addicted to lying, relating a story to another, which made him
stare, Did you never hear that before? said the narrator. No, ...
|
A Polite Rebuke
CHARLES MATHEWS, seated on a coach-box on a frosty day, waiting for the
driver, said to him when at length he appeared: If you stand h...
|
A Certain Crop
UNDER the improved system of agriculture and of draining, great
preparations had been made for securing a good crop in a certain field...
|
Good Advice
NEVER confide in a young man,--new pails leak. Never tell your secret to
the aged,--old doors seldom shut closely.
...
|
Mr Thelwall
WHEN citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high
treason, during the evidence for the prosecution he wrote the follow...
|
Cheap At The Money
A SHILLING subscription having been set on foot to bury an attorney who
had died very poor, Lord Chief Justice Norbury exclaimed, Only...
|
A Query For Mr Babbage
A PERSON, hearing that Time is Money, became desirous of learning how
many years it would take to pay a little debt of a hundred pound...
|
A Back-handed Hit
LORD DERBY once said that Ireland was positively worse than it is
represented. That's intended, said A'Beckett, as a sinister insult
...
|
Things By Their Right Names
IF by their names we things should call,
It surely would be properer,
To term a singing piece a bawl,
A dancing ...
|
A Favorite Air
ONE of a party of friends, referring to an exquisite musical
composition, said: That song always carries me away when I hear
it.--Can...
|
A Good Joke
A FIRE-EATING Irishman challenged a barrister, who gratified him by an
acceptance. The duellist, being very lame, requested that he mi...
|
One Thing At A Time
A VERY dull play was talked of, and one attempted a defence by saying,
It was not hissed.--True, said another; no one can hiss and
ga...
|
Trophies
A FRENCH nobleman once showing Matthew Prior the palace of his master at
Versailles, and desiring him to observe the many trophies of ...
|
Brief Let It Be
WHEN Baron Martin was at the Bar and addressing the Court of Exchequer
in an insurance case, he was interrupted by Mr. Baron Alderson
...
|
Good Advice
A PHILOSOPHER being asked of whom he had acquired so much knowledge,
replied, Of the blind, who do not lift their feet until they have...
|
Expectoration
WE are terribly afraid that some Americans spit upon the floor, even
when that floor is covered by good carpets. Now all claims to
ci...
|
Ss
...
|
A Coat-of-arms
A GREAT pretender to gentility
Came to a herald for his pedigree:
The herald, knowing what he was, begun
To rumble o...
|
Dr Sims
A GLORIOUS bull is related, in the life of Dr. Sims, of a countryman of
his, an Irishman, for whom he had prescribed an emetic, who sa...
|
Marriage
IN marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the
enemy.
...
|
Benefit Of Competition
POPE, when he first saw Garrick act, observed, I am afraid that the
young man will be spoiled, for he will have no competitor!
...
|
Industry And Perseverance
A SPENDTHRIFT said, Five years ago I was not worth a farthing in the
world; now see where I am through my own exertions.--Well, where ...
|
Quantum Suff
IN former days, when roads were bad, and wheeled vehicles almost
unknown, an old laird was returning from a supper party, with his lad...
|
Lamb And Sharp Sauce
A RETIRED cheesemonger, who hated any allusions to the business that had
enriched him, said to Charles Lamb, in course of discussion o...
|
An Irishman's Plea
ARE you guilty, or not guilty? asked the clerk of arraigns of a
prisoner the other day. An' sure now, said Pat, what are you put
ther...
|
Accommodating
A MAN in a passion spoke many scurrilous words; a friend being by, said,
You speak foolishly. He answered, It is that you may understa...
|
Generosity And Prudence
FRANK, who will any friend supply,
...
|
Come Said I
Give me a pen, it is but fair
You take my note. Quoth he, Hold there;
Jack! to the cash I've bid adieu;--
No need to w...
|
Odd Reason
A CELEBRATED wit was asked why he did not marry a young lady to whom he
was much attached. I know not he replied, except the great reg...
|
Very Evident
GARRICK and Rigby, once walking together in Norfolk, observed upon a
board at a house by the roadside, the following strange inscripti...
|
Ominous Very!
A JOLLY good fellow had an office next to a doctor's. One day an elderly
gentleman of the foggy school blundered into the wrong shop: ...
|
A Reverse
AN Irishman, who lived in an attic, being asked what part of the house
he occupied, answered, If the house were turned topsy-turvy, I'...
|
On An Mp Who Recently Got His Election At The Sacrifice
OF HIS POLITICAL CHARACTER.
HIS degradation is complete,
His name with loss of honor branding:
When he resolve...
|
Musical Taste
A LATE noble statesman, more famous for his wit than his love of music,
being asked why he did not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, ...
|
Lingual Infection
A FASHIONABLE Irish gentleman, driving a good deal about Cheltenham, was
observed to have the not very graceful habit of lolling his t...
|
Porson _versus_ Dr Jowett
DR. JOWETT, who was a small man, was permitted by the head of his
college to cultivate a strip of vacant ground. This gave rise to som...
|
Brevity Of Charity
BREVITY is in writing what charity is to all other virtues.
Righteousness is worth nothing without the one, nor authorship without
th...
|
High Gaming
BARON N., once playing at cards, was guilty of an odd trick; on which
his opponent threw him out of the window of a one-pair-of-stairs...
|
Hard Of Digestion
QUIN had been dining, and his host expressed his regret that he could
offer no more wine, as he had lost the key of his wine-cellar. W...
|
A Monster
SYDNEY SMITH said that the Court of Chancery was like a
boa-constrictor, which swallowed up the estates of English gentlemen in
haste...
|
Sailor's Wedding
A JACK-TAR just returned from sea, determined to commit matrimony, but
at the altar the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough ...
|
Quid Pro Quo
SMITH and Brown, running opposite ways round a corner, struck each
other. Oh dear! says Smith, how you made my head ring!--That's a
s...
|
The Truth By Accident
ONE communion Sabbath, the precentor observed the noble family of ----
approaching the tables, and likely to be kept out by those pres...
|
Encouragement
A YOUNG counsel commenced his stammering speech with the remark, The
unfortunate client who appears by me-- and then he came to a full...
|
False Estimate
KEAN once played Young Norval to Mrs. Siddons's Lady Randolph: after
the play, as Kean used to relate, Mrs. Siddons came to him, and p...
|
American Penance
AS for me, as soon as I hear that the last farthing is paid to the last
creditor, I will appear on my knees at the bar of the Pennsylv...
|
Ss
...
|
A Money-lender
THE best fellow in the world, sir, to get money of; for as he sends you
half cash, half wine, why, if you can't take up his bill, you'...
|
Dj
...
|
A Bad Medium
A MAN, who pretended to have seen a ghost, was asked what the ghost said
to him? How should I understand, replied the narrator, what h...
|
Taking A Hint
THE Bishop preached: My friends, said he,
How sweet a thing is charity,
The choicest gem in virtue's casket!
It is, ...
|
Swearing The Peace
AN Irishman, swearing the peace against his three sons, thus concluded
his affidavit: And this deponent further saith, that the only o...
|
The Ruling Passion
THE death of Mr. Holland, of Drury Lane Theatre, who was the son of a
baker at Chiswick, had a very great effect upon the spirits of F...
|
A Sanitary Air
THE air of France! nothing to the air of England. That goes ten times as
...
|
Dj
...
|
Grafting
VERY dry and pithy too was a legal opinion given to a claimant of the
Annandale peerage, who, when pressing the employment of some obv...
|
A Short Creed
A SCEPTICAL man, conversing with Dr. Parr, observed that he would
believe nothing that he did not understand. Dr. Parr, replied, Then
...
|
In The Dark
A SCOTCH lady, who was discomposed by the introduction of gas, asked
with much earnestness, What's to become o' the puir whales? deemi...
|
Not To Be Tempted
COME down, this instant, said the boatswain to a mischievous son of
Erin, who had been idling in the round-top; come down, I say, and ...
|
Quite Poetical
HARRY ERSKINE made a neat remark to Walter Scott after he got his
Clerkship of Session. The scheme to bestow it on him had been begun ...
|
Corporation Politeness
AS a west-country mayor, with formal address,
Was making his speech to the haughty Queen Bess,
The Spaniard, quoth he, wi...
|
A Common Want
IN the midst of a stormy discussion, a gentleman rose to settle the
matter in dispute. Waving his hands majestically over the excited
...
|
Large But Not Large Enough
THE Rev. William Cole, of Cambridge, nicknamed the Cardinal, was
remarkable for what is called a comfortable assurance. Dining in a
p...
|
Henry Erskine
MR. HENRY ERSKINE (brother of Lord Buchan and Lord Erskine), after being
presented to Dr. Johnson by Mr. Boswell, and having made his ...
|
Epitaph On A Miser
READER, beware immoderate love of pelf,
Here lies the worst of thieves,--who robbed himself.
...
|
Smart Reply
SOME schoolboys meeting a poor woman driving asses, one of them said to
her, Good morning, mother of asses.--Good morning, my child, w...
|
Calumny
GEORGE THE THIRD once said to Sir J. Irwin, a famous bon-vivant, They
tell me, Sir John, you love a glass of wine.--Those, sire, who h...
|
Love
THEY say love's like the measles,--all the worse when it comes late in
...
|
Dj
...
|
Any Change For The Better
A VERY plain actor being addressed on the stage, My lord, you change
countenance; a young fellow in the pit cried, For heaven's sake, ...
|
Too Fast
TWO travellers were robbed in a wood, and tied to trees. One of them in
despair exclaimed, O, I am undone!--Are you? said the other
j...
|
A Reverse Joke
A SOLDIER passing through a meadow, a large mastiff ran at him, and he
stabbed the dog with a bayonet. The master of the dog asked him...
|
A Transporting Subject
THE subject for the Chancellor's English Prize Poem, for the year 1823,
was Australasia (New Holland). This happened to be the subject...
|
Hard-ware
A FEW years ago, when Handel's L'Allegro and Il Penseroso were performed
at Birmingham, the passage most admired was,--
Such no...
|
Painting And Medicine
A PAINTER of very middling abilities turned doctor: on being questioned
respecting this change, he answered, In painting, all faults a...
|
Dogmatism
...
|
Dj
...
|
Salad
TO make this condiment your poet begs
The pounded yellow of two hard boiled eggs;
Two boiled potatoes, passed through kit...
|
Actor
A MEMBER of one of the dramatic funds was complaining of being obliged
to retire from the stage with an income of only one hundred and...
|
Epigram
THAT Lord ---- owes nothing, one safely may say,
For his creditors find he has nothing to pay.
...
|
Candid On Both Sides
I RISE for information, said a member of the legislative body. I am
very glad to hear it, said a bystander, for no man wants it more.
...
|
Carrots Classically Considered
WHY scorn red hair? The Greeks, we know
(I note it here in charity),
Had taste in beauty, and with them
The Grac...
|
Doing Homage
RETURNING from hunting one day, George III. entered affably into
conversation with his wine-merchant, Mr. Carbonel, and rode with him
...
|
Sydney Smith Soporific
A LADY complaining to Sydney Smith that she could not sleep,--I can
furnish you, he said, with a perfect soporific. I have published t...
|
Epigram
(On ----'s ponderous speeches.)
THOUGH Sir Edward has made many speeches of late,
The House would most willingly spare th...
|
Good At A Pinch
A SEVERE snow-storm in the Highlands, which lasted for several weeks,
having stopped all communication betwixt neighboring hamlets,
s...
|
Epigram
(On Alderman Wood's being afraid to pledge himself even to the
principles he has always professed.)
SURE in the House he'll do ...
|
Wilkes's Ready Reply
LUTTREL and Wilkes were standing on the Brentford hustings, when Wilkes
asked his adversary, privately, whether he thought there were ...
|
Too Grateful
AFTER O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the
thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, Och, counsellor,...
|
The Poets To Certain Critics
SAY, why erroneous vent your spite?
Your censure, friends, will raise us;
If you do wish to damn us quite,
Only ...
|
Odd Housekeeping
MRS. MONTGOMERY was the only--the motherless--daughter of the stern
General Campbell, who early installed her into the duties of house...
|
Telling One's Age
A LADY, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said: Alas! I am near
thirty. A doctor, who was present, and knew her age, said: Do n...
|
Pot Valiant
PROVISIONS have a greater influence on the valor of troops than is
generally supposed; and there is great truth in the remark of an En...
|
Cause And Effect
SIR WILLIAM DAWES, Archbishop of York, was very fond of a pun. His
clergy dining with him, for the first time, after he had lost his l...
|
A Bad Preacher
A CLERGYMAN, meeting a particular friend, asked him why he never came to
hear him preach. He answered, I am afraid of disturbing your
...
|
On Rogers The Poet Who Was Egotistical
SO well deserved is Rogers' fame,
That friends, who hear him most, advise
The egotist to change his name
To Argus, w...
|
A Poser
IN a Chancery suit one of the counsel, describing the boundaries of his
client's land, said, in showing the plan of it, We lie on this...
|
A Quiet Dose
A MEAN fellow, thinking to get an opinion of his health gratis, asked
a medical acquaintance what he should take for such a complaint?...
|
The Dancing Prelates
SCALIGER doth the curious fact advance,
The early bishops used to join the dance,
And winding, turning ----s shows us yet...
|
Auricular Confession
A CUNNING juryman addressed the clerk of the court when administering
the oath, saying, Speak up; I cannot hear what you say.--Stop; a...
|
Yes Of One Earthen You May
leave the box, for it is necessary that jurymen should hear both
sides.
...
|
A Dry Fellow
WELL, Will, said an Earl one day to Will Speir, seeing the latter
finishing his dinner, have you had a good dinner to-day? (Will had
...
|
Good Evidence
DID you ever see Mr. Murdock return oats? inquired the counsel.
Yes, your honor, was the reply.
On what ground did he refuse them...
|
Epitaph Upon Peter Staggs
POOR Peter Staggs now rests beneath this rail,
Who loved his joke, his pipe, and mug of ale;
For twenty years he did the ...
|
Quin And The Parson
A WELL-BENEFICED old parson having a large company to dinner,
entertained them with nothing else but the situation and profits of his
...
|
Natural Antipathy
FOOTE having satirized the Scotch pretty severely, a gentleman asked,
Why he hated that nation so much.--You are mistaken, said Foote,...
|
Not Necessary
YOU flatter me, said a thin exquisite the other day to a young lady
who was praising the beauties of his moustache. For heaven's sake,...
|
Assurance And Insurance
STERNE, the author of the Sentimental Journey, who had the credit of
treating his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick in a f...
|
Cromwell
ONE being asked whom it was that he judged to be the chiefest actor in
the murder of the king, he answered in this short enigma or rid...
|
Bill Paid In Full
AT Wimpole there was to be seen a portrait of Mr. Harley, the speaker,
in his robes of office. The active part he took to forward the ...
|
Women
AT no time of life should a man give up the thoughts of enjoying the
society of women. In youth, says Lord Bacon, women are our
mistr...
|
The Devil's Own
AT a review of the volunteers, when the half-drowned heroes were
defiling by all the best ways, the Devil's Own walked straight throug...
|
Whist-playing
CHARLES LAMB said once to a brother whist-player, who was a hand more
clever than clean, and who had enough in him to afford the joke:...
|
A Cruel Case
POPE the actor, well known for his devotion to the culinary art,
received an invitation to dinner, accompanied by an apology for the
...
|
On Shelley's Poem Prometheus Unbound
SHELLEY styles his new poem, Prometheus Unbound,
And 'tis like to remain so while time circles round;
For surely an age w...
|
Writing Treason
HORNE TOOKE, on being asked by a foreigner of distinction how much
treason an Englishman might venture to write without being hanged,
...
|
A Graceful Illustration
THE resemblance between the sandal tree, imparting (while it falls) its
aromatic flavor to the edge of the axe, and the benevolent man...
|
Ss
...
|
Impromptu
On an apple being thrown at Mr. Cooke, whilst playing Sir Pertinax Mac
Sycophant.
SOME envious Scot, you say, the apple threw,
...
|
In The Background
AN Irishman once ordered a painter to draw his picture, and to represent
him standing behind a tree.
...
|
In Want Of A Husband
A YOUNG lady was told by a married lady, that she had better precipitate
herself from off the rocks of the Passaic falls into the basi...
|
Three Ends To A Rope
A LAD applied to the captain of a vessel for a berth; the captain,
wishing to intimidate him, handed him a piece of rope, and said, If...
|
The Reason Why
FOOTE was once asked, why learned men are to be found in rich men's
houses, and rich men never to be seen in those of the learned. Why...
|
Personalities Of Garrick And Quin
WHEN Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same
play, one night, being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the
...
|
Bark And Bite
LORD CLARE, who was much opposed to Curran, one day brought a
Newfoundland dog upon the bench, and during Curran's speech turned
hims...
|
A Pressing Reason
A TAILOR sent his bill to a lawyer for money; the lawyer bid the boy
tell his master that he was not running away, but very busy at th...
|
Small Wit
SIR GEORGE BEAUMONT once met Quin at a small dinner-party. There was a
delicious pudding, which the master of the house, pushing the d...
|
Epigram On A Student Being Put Out Of Commons For Missing
CHAPEL.
TO fast and pray we are by Scripture taught:
Oh could I do but either as I ought!
In both, alas! I err; my frail...
|
Making Progress
A STUDENT, being asked what progress he had made in the study of
medicine, modestly replied: I hope I shall soon be fully qualified as...
|
The Woolsack
COLMAN and Banister dining one day with Lord Erskine, the ex-Chancellor,
amongst other things, observed that he had then about three t...
|
Sir Thomas Coulson
SIR THOMAS COULSON being present with a friend at the burning of Drury
Lane Theatre, and observing several engines hastening to the sp...
|
Throw Physic To The Dogs!
WHEN the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription
for him. The next day the doctor, coming to see his patient, in...
|
Motherly Remark
SIR DAVID BAIRD, with great gallantry and humanity, had a queer temper.
When news came to England that he was one of those poor prison...
|
Too Good
A PHYSICIAN, much attached to his profession, during his attendance on a
man of letters, observing that the patient was very punctual ...
|
A Balance
PAY me that six-and-eightpence you owe me, Mr. Malrooney, said a
village attorney. For what?--For the opinion you had of me.--Faith,
...
|
Money's Worth
WHILST inspecting a farm in a pauperized district, an enterprising
agriculturist could not help noticing the slow, drawling motions of...
|
On Mr Gully Being Returned Mp For Pontefract
STRANGE is it, proud Pontefract's borough should sully
Its fame by returning to parliament Gully.
The etymological cause,...
|
Writing For The Stage
PEOPLE would be astonished if they were aware of the cart-loads of trash
which are annually offered to the director of a London theatr...
|
A Comparison
AN attorney, says Sterne, is the same thing to a barrister that an
apothecary is to a physician, with this difference, that your lawye...
|
Gambling
I NEVER by chance hear the rattling of dice that it doesn't sound to me
...
|
Dj
...
|
Sweeps
WE feel for climbing boys as much as anybody can do; but what is a
climbing boy in a chimney to a full-grown suitor in the Master's
o...
|
Self-conceit
HAIL, charming power of self-opinion!
For none are slaves in thy dominion;
Secure in thee, the mind's at ease,
The v...
|
James Smith And Justice Holroyd
FORMERLY, it was customary, on emergencies, for the Judges to swear
affidavits at their dwelling-houses. Smith was desired by his fath...
|
A Good Investment
AN English journal lately contained the following announcement: To be
sold, one hundred and thirty lawsuits, the property of an attorn...
|
The Aged Young Lady
AN old lady, being desirous to be thought younger than she was, said
that she was but forty years old. A student who sat near observed...
|
Entering The Lists
THE Duke of B----, who was to have been one of the knights of the
Eglinton tournament, was lamenting that he was obliged to excuse
hi...
|
Not Importunate
MRS. ROBISON (widow of the eminent professor of natural philosophy)
having invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, he had
...
|
Witty Coward
A FRENCH marquis having received several blows with a stick, which he
never thought of resenting, a friend asked him, How he could rec...
|
Priority
AN old Scotch domestic gave a capital reason to his young master for
his being allowed to do as he liked: Ye need na find faut wi' me,...
|
Should Not Silence Give Consent?
A LAIRD of Logan was at a meeting of the heritors of Cumnock, where a
proposal was made to erect a new churchyard wall. He met the
pr...
|
Characteristics
THE late Dr. Brand was remarkable for his spirit of contradiction. One
extremely cold morning, in the month of January, he was address...
|
An Error Corrected
JERROLD was seriously disappointed with a certain book written by one of
his friends. This friend heard that Jerrold had expressed his...
|
I Hear You Said Was The Worst Book I Ever
wrote.
Jerrold.--No, I didn't. I said it was the worst book anybody ever
wrote.
...
|
A Mystery Cleared Up
W----, they say, is bright! yet to discover
The fact you vainly in St. Stephen's sit.
But hold! Extremes will meet: the...
|
Braham And Kenney
THE pride of some people differs from that of others. Mr. Bunn was
passing through Jermyn Street, late one evening, and seeing Kenney ...
|
How To Escape Taxation
I WOULD, says Fox, a tax devise
That shall not fall on me.
Then tax receipts, Lord North replies,
For those you ...
|
A Bed Ofwhere?
A SCOTCH country minister had been invited, with his wife, to dine and
spend the night at the house of one of his lairds. Their host w...
|
Envy
A DRUNKEN man was found in the suburbs of Dublin, lying on his face, by
the roadside, apparently in a state of physical unconsciousnes...
|
A Slight Difference
I KEEP an excellent table, said a lady, disputing with one of her
boarders. That may be true, ma'am, says he, but you put very little
...
|
More Honored In The Breach
A LAIRD OF LOGAN sold a horse to an Englishman, saying, You buy him as
you see him; but he's an honest beast. The purchaser took him h...
|
You'll Get There Before I Can Tell You
MR. NEVILLE, formerly a fellow of Jesus College, was distinguished, by
many innocent singularities, uncommon shyness, and stammering o...
|
On Mr Milton The Livery Stable-keeper
TWO Miltons, in separate ages were born,
The cleverer Milton 'tis clear we have got;
Though the other had talents the wor...
|
A Long Residence
THE following complacent Scottish remark upon Bannockburn was made to a
splenetic Englishman, who had said to a Scottish countryman th...
|
Spare The Rod
A SCHOOLBOY being asked by the teacher how he should flog him, replied,
If you please, sir, I should like to have it upon the Italian
...
|
Political Sinecure
CURRAN, after a debate which gave rise to high words, put his hand to
his heart, and declared that he was the trusty guardian of his o...
|
Epigram On A Petit-maitre Physician
WHEN Pennington for female ills indites,
Studying alone not what, but how he writes,
The ladies, as his graceful form the...
|
Damped Ardor
JERROLD and Laman Blanchard were strolling together about London,
discussing passionately a plan for joining Byron in Greece, when a h...
|
Elliston And George Iv
IN 1824, when the question of erecting a monument to Shakespeare, in his
native town, was agitated by Mr. Mathews and Mr. Bunn, the Ki...
|
Truth And Fiction
A TRAVELLER relating his adventures, told the company that he and his
servants had made fifty wild Arabs run; which startling them, he...
|
A Reasonable Refusal
AT the time of expected invasion at the beginning of the century, some
of the town magistrates called upon an old maiden lady of Montr...
|
Lord North's Drollery
A VEHEMENT political declaimer, calling aloud for the head of Lord
North, turned round and perceived his victim unconsciously indulgin...
|
Incapacity
A YOUNG ecclesiastic asked his bishop permission to preach. I would
permit you, answered the prelate; but nature will not.
...
|
Epigram
(Suggested by hearing a debate in the House of Commons.)
TO wonder now at Balaam's ass were weak;
Is there a night that ass...
|
Value Of Nothing
PORSON one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain Cantab, requesting
him to find the value of nothing. Next day he met his friend w...
|
The Right Organ
SPURZHEIM was lecturing on phrenology. What is to be conceived the
organ of drunkenness? said the professor. The barrel-organ,
interr...
|
Mind Your Points
A WRITER, in describing the last scene of Othello, had this exquisite
passage: Upon which the Moor, seizing a bolster full of rage and...
|
Reasons For Drinking
DR. ALDRICH, of convivial memory, said there were five reasons for
drinking:--
Good wine, a friend, or being dry,
Or lest ...
|
No Matter What Color
AN eminent Scottish divine met two of his own parishioners at the house
of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a practitioner. The ...
|
An Odd Occurrence
AT a wedding the other day one of the guests, who often is a little
absent-minded, observed gravely, I have often remarked that there ...
|
A Dangerous Generalization
A TUTOR bidding one of his pupils, whose name was Charles Howl, to make
some English verses, and seeing he put teeth to rhyme with fee...
|
Nosce Te Ipsum
SHERIDAN was one day much annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of
Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, Hear! hear! Durin...
|
Vera Cannie
A YOUNG lady, pressed by friends to marry a decent, but poor man, on the
plea, Marry for love, and work for siller, replied, It's a' v...
|
Timely Aid
A LADY was followed by a beggar, who very importunately asked her for
alms. She refused him; when he quitted her, saying, with a profo...
|
Whist
MRS. BRAY relates the following of a Devonshire physician, happily named
Vial, who was a desperate lover of whist. One evening in the ...
|
Henry Erskine
THE late Hon. Henry Erskine met his acquaintance Jemmy Ba--four, a
barrister, who dealt in hard words and circumlocutious sentences.
...
|
The Abbey Church At Bath
THESE walls, so full of monuments and bust,
Show how Bath waters serve to lay the dust.
...
|
Too Much And Too Little
TWO friends meeting after an absence of some years, during which time
the one had increased considerably in bulk, and the other still
...
|
Sharp If Not Pleasant
AN arch boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighborhood,
who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, T-T-T-Tom...
|
An East Indian Chaplaincy
THE best history of a serpent we ever remember to have read, was of one
killed near one of our settlements in the East Indies; in whos...
|
Constancy
CURRAN, hearing that a stingy and slovenly barrister had started for the
Continent with a shirt and a guinea, observed, He'll not chan...
|
Epigram
(On hearing a prosing harangue from a certain Bishop.)
WHEN he holds forth, his reverence doth appear
So lengthily his su...
|
Speaking Of Sausages
MR. SMITH passed a pork-shop the other day,--Mr. Smith whistled. The
moment he did this, every sausage wagged its tail. As a note to t...
|
Bringing His Man Down
ROGERS used to relate this story: An Englishman and a Frenchman fought a
duel in a darkened room. The Englishman, unwilling to take hi...
|
A Perfect Bore
SOME ONE being asked if a certain authoress, whom he had long known, was
not a little tiresome?--Not at all, said he, she was perfectl...
|
Too Civil By Half
AN Irish judge had a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. At the
close of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the of...
|
Our Landlady
A LANDLADY, who exhibited an inordinate love for the vulgar fluid gin,
would order her servant to get the supplies after the following...
|
The Church In The Way
DR. JOHNSON censured Gwyn, the architect, for taking down a church,
which might have stood for many years, and building a new one in a...
|
Saving Time
A CANDIDATE at an election, who wanted eloquence, when another had, in a
long and brilliant speech, promised great things, got up and ...
|
The Young Idea
SCHOOLMISTRESS (pointing to the first letter of the alphabet): Come,
now, what is that? Scholar: I sha'n't tell you. Schoolmistress: Y...
|
Epigram
TWO Harveys had a mutual wish
To please in different stations;
For one excelled in Sauce for Fish,
And one in Me...
|
Epitaphs
IF truth, perspicuity, wit, gravity, and every property pertaining to
the ancient or modern epitaph, may be expected united in one sin...
|
National Prejudice
FOOTE being told of the appointment of a Scotch nobleman, said, The
Irish, sir, take us all in, and the Scotch turn us all out.
...
|
Grandiloquence
A BOASTING fellow was asked, Pray, sir, what may your business
be?--O, replied the boaster, I am but a cork-cutter: but then it is
in...
|
The Letter C
CURIOUS coincidences respecting the letter C, as connected with the
Princess Charlotte, daughter of George IV.:--Her mother's name was...
|
Practical Retort
IN a country theatre there were only seven persons in the house one
night. The pit took offence at the miserable acting of a performer...
|
An Agreeable Practice
DR. GARTH (so he is called in the manuscript), who was one of the
Kit-Kat Club, coming there one night, declared he must soon be gone,...
|
A Reason For Running Away
OWEN MOORE has run away,
Owing more than he can pay.
...
|
Legal Extravagance
HURRAH! Hurrah! cried a young lawyer, who had succeeded to his
father's practice, I've settled that old chancery suit at
last.--Settl...
|
A Claim On The Country
AS you do not belong to my parish, said a clergyman to a begging
sailor, with a wooden leg, you cannot expect that I should relieve
y...
|
Plain Speaking
GEORGE II., who was fond of Whiston the philosopher, one day, during his
persecution, said to him, that, however right he might be in ...
|
The Plural Number
A BOY being asked what was the plural of penny, replied, with great
promptness and simplicity, two-pence.
...
|
Maule-practice
A MAN having broken open a young lady's jewel-case (the offence was
differently described in the indictment), pleaded that he had done...
|
Very Likely
AN English officer lost his leg at the battle of Vittoria, and after
suffering amputation with the greatest courage, thus addressed hi...
|
Much Alike
A SAILOR was asked, Where did your father die?--In a storm, answered
the sailor. And your grandfather?--He was drowned.--And your
gre...
|
A Good Wife
A VERY excellent lady was desired by another to teach her what secrets
she had to preserve her husband's favor. It is, replied she, by...
|
Wellington Surprised
A NOBLEMAN ventured, in a moment of conviviality at his grace's table,
to put this question to him: Allow me to ask, as we are all her...
|
Too Clever
A COUNTRY boy endeavored, to the utmost of his power, to make himself
useful, and avoid being frequently told of many trifling things,...
|
A Light Joke
AN eminent tallow-chandler was told that after his candles were burned
down to the middle, not one of them would burn any longer. He w...
|
A Rebuke
A BRAGGART, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, asserted
that he had received his scars in battle. Then, said an old sold...
|
A Model Philanthropist
BOBBY, what does your father do for a living?--He's a
philanthropist, sir.--A what?--A phi-lan-thro-pist, sir,--he
collects money for...
|
Great Cabbage
A FOREIGNER asked an English tailor how much cloth was necessary for a
suit of clothes. He replied, twelve yards. Astonished at the qu...
|
True And False
A BEGGAR asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman to
whom he applied himself, asked him a question in, Latin. The fel...
|
Not Quite Correct
A HUNTSMAN, reported to have lived with Mr. Beckford, was not so correct
in his conversation as he was in his professional employments...
|
A Fool Confirmed
DR. PARR, who was neither very choice nor delicate in his epithets, once
called a clergyman a fool, and there was probably some truth ...
|
Pleasant
A COUNTRY dentist advertises that he spares no pains to render his
operations satisfactory.
...
|
Alere Flamman
MRS. B---- desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had
just written, adding, that if it would not do, she begged him...
|
Oratory
AT the time when Sir Richard Steele was preparing his great room in York
Buildings for public orations, he was behindhand in his payme...
|
Soldiers' Wives
THE late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek out a
new laundress, a decent-looking woman was recommended to the sit...
|
No Joke
A GENTLEMAN, finding his grounds trespassed on and robbed, set up a
board in a most conspicuous situation, to scare offenders, by the
...
|
A Good Likeness
A PERSON who had often teased another ineffectually for subscriptions to
charitable undertakings, was one day telling him that he had ...
|
Cutting An Acquaintance
GEORGE SELWYN, happening to be at Bath when it was nearly empty, was
induced, for the mere purpose of killing time, to cultivate the
...
|
Very Shocking If True
AT a dinner-party, one of the guests used his knife improperly in
eating. At length a wag asked aloud: Have you heard of poor L----'s ...
|
Impossible In The Evening
THEODORE HOOK, about to be proposed a member of the Phoenix Club,
inquired when they met. Every Saturday evening during the winter, wa...
|
A Good Appetite
A NOBLEMAN had a house-porter who was an enormous eater. Frank, said
he, one day, tell me how many loins you could eat? Ah, my lord, a...
|
Short-sighted
DEAN COWPER, of Durham, who was very economical of his wine, descanting
one day on the extraordinary performance of a man who was blin...
|
An Advantageous Tithe
A'BECKETT once said, It seems that anything likely to have an annual
increase is liable to be tithed. Could not Lord S----, by virtue ...
|
Truth _versus_ Politeness
AT a tea-party, where some Cantabs were present, the lady who was
presiding Hoped the tea was good.--Very good, indeed, madam, was the...
|
A New View
SOME people have a notion that villany ought to be exposed, though we
must confess we think it a thing that deserves a hiding.
...
|
The One-spur Horseman
A STUDENT riding being jeered on the way for wearing but one spur, said
that if one side of his horse went on, it was not likely that ...
|
A Philosophical Reason
A SCHOLAR was asked why a black hen laid a white egg. He answered,
Unum contrarium expellit alterum.
...
|
A Play Upon Words
A POACHER was carried before a magistrate upon a charge of killing game
unlawfully in a nobleman's park, where he was caught in the fa...
|
Jemmy Gordon
JEMMY GORDON, the well-known writer of many a theme and declamation
for varmint-men, alias non-reading Cantabs, having been compliment...
|
Setting Up And Sitting Down
SWIFT was one day in company with a young coxcomb, who, rising from his
chair, said, with a conceited and confident air, I would have ...
|
A Settled Point
A REFORMED Parliament, exclaimed a Conservative the other day, will
never do for this country.--No! but an unreformed would, and that
...
|
Jolly Companions
A MINISTER in Aberdeenshire, sacrificed so often and so freely to the
jolly god, that the presbytery could no longer overlook his proc...
|
Paying In Kind
A CERTAIN Quaker slept at a hotel in a certain town. He was supplied
with two wax candles. He retired early, and, as he had burned but...
|
A Full House
WHAT plan, said an actor to another, shall I adopt to fill the house
at my benefit?--Invite your creditors, was the surly reply.
...
|
Rather The Worst Half
ON one occasion a lad, while at home for the holidays, complained to his
mother that a schoolfellow who slept with him took up half th...
|
Force Of Habit
A SERVANT of an old maiden lady, a patient of Dr. Poole, formerly of
Edinburgh, was under orders to go to the doctor every morning to ...
|
A Wonderful Sight
A JOLLY Jack-tar having strayed into Atkins's show at Bartholomew Fair,
to have a look at the wild beasts, was much struck with the si...
|
Burke And Fox
MR. BURKE, in speaking of the indisposition of Mr. Fox, which prevented
his making a motion for an investigation into the conduct of L...
|
Trying To The Temper
LORD ALLEN, in conversation with Rogers, the poet, observed: I never
put my razor into hot water, as I find it injures the temper of t...
|
Having A Call
MR. DUNLOP, while making his pastoral visitations among some of the
country members of his flock, came to a farm-house where he was
e...
|
A Will And Away
IT was a strange instance of alleged obedience to orders in the case of
a father's will, which a brute of a fellow displayed in turnin...
|
A Windy Minister
IN one of our northern counties, a rural district had its harvest
operations seriously affected by continuous rains. The crops being m...
|
Ready Reckoner
THE Duke of Wellington, when Premier, was the terror of the idlers in
Downing Street. On one occasion when the Treasury clerks told hi...
|
A Distant Friend
MEETING a negro on the road, a traveller said, You have lost some of
your friends, I see?--Yes, massa.--Was it a near or a distant
re...
|
Typographical Wit
HO! Tommy, bawls Type, to a brother in trade,
The ministry are to be changed, it is said.
That's good, replied Tom, but i...
|
A Nameless Man
A GENTLEMAN, thinking he was charged too much by a porter for the
delivery of a parcel, asked him what his name was. My name, replied
...
|
An Insurmountable Difficulty
BOOTH, the tragedian, had a broken nose. A lady once remarked to him, I
like your acting, Mr. Booth; but, to be frank with you,--I can...
|
Non Compos
IT is remarkable that ---- is of an exceedingly cheerful disposition,
though the very little piece of mind he possesses is proverbial....
|
Too Liberal
A WRITER in one of the Reviews was boasting that he was in the habit of
distributing literary reputation. Yes, replied his friend, and...
|
A Little Rain
HOW monarchs die is easily explained,
For thus upon their tombs it might be chiselled;
As long as George the Fourth cou...
|
True Dignity
P---- had a high respect for the literary character. At a great man's
house a stranger stopped that P---- might enter the room before ...
|
How To Get Rid Of An Enemy
DR. MEAD, calling one day on a gentleman who had been severely afflicted
with the gout, found, to his surprise, the disease gone, and ...
|
Severe
A LADY asked a sailor whom she met, why a ship was called she. The
son of Neptune replied that it was because the rigging cost more th...
|
No Sacrifice
A LINEN-DRAPER having advertised his stock to be sold under prime
cost, a neighbor observed that, It was impossible, as he had never
...
|
Sharp Boy
A MOTHER admonishing her son (a lad about seven years of age), told him
he should never defer till to-morrow what he could do to-day. ...
|
Early Birds Of Prey
A MERCHANT having been attacked by some thieves at five in the
afternoon, said: Gentlemen, you open shop early to-day.
...
|
Judgment
JAMES THE SECOND, when Duke of York, made a visit to Milton the poet,
and asked him, amongst other things, if he did not think the los...
|
On A Lady Who Was Painted
IT sounds like paradox,--and yet 'tis true,
You're like your picture, though it's not like you.
...
|
Rather A-curate
IT is strange that the Church dignitaries, the further they advance in
their profession, become the more incorrigible; at least, befor...
|
Money's Worth
A RICH upstart once asked a poor person if he had any idea of the
advantages arising from riches. I believe they give a rogue an
adva...
|
The Richmond Hoax
ONE of the best practical jokes in Theodore Hook's clever Gilbert
Gurney, is Daly's hoax upon the lady who had never been at Richmond
...
|
Lord Chatham
LORD CHATHAM had settled a plan for some sea expedition he had in view,
and sent orders to Lord Anson to see the necessary arrangement...
|
I Can Get Through
IN the cloisters of Trinity College, beneath the library, are grated
windows, through which many of the students have occasionally, af...
|
Making Free
FORMERLY, members of parliament had the privilege of franking letters
sent by post. When this was so, a sender on one occasion applied...
|
Fiction And Truth
WALLER, the poet, who was bred at King's College, wrote a fine panegyric
on Cromwell, when he assumed the protectorship. Upon the rest...
|
A Tavern Dinner
A PARTY of bon-vivants, having drunk an immense quantity of wine, rang
for the bill. The bill was accordingly brought, but the amount ...
|
A Full Stop
A GENTLEMAN was speaking of the kindness of his friends in visiting him.
One old aunt, in particular, visited him twice a year, and st...
|
Fat And Lean
A MAN, praising porter, said it was so excellent a beverage, that,
though taken in great quantities, it always made him fat. I have se...
|
Self-condemnation
JOSEPH II., emperor of Germany, travelling in his usual way, without his
retinue, attended by only a single aide-de-camp, arrived very...
|
Nicknames
JOHN MAGEE, formerly the printer of the Dublin Evening Post, was full
of shrewdness and eccentricity. Several prosecutions were instit...
|
A Calculation
AFTER the death of the poet Chatterton, there was found among his
papers, indorsed on a letter intended for publication, addressed to
...
|
On The Price Of Admission To See The Mammoth Horse
I WOULD not pay a coin to see
An animal much larger;
Surely the mammoth horse must be
Rather an overcharger....
|
Nothing But Hebrew
A CANTAB chanced to enter a strange church, and after he had been seated
some little time, another person was ushered into the same pe...
|
A Good Recommendation
WHEN Captain Grose, who was very fat, first went over to Ireland, he one
evening strolled into the principal meat market of Dublin, wh...
|
Quid Pro Quo
AN Irish lawyer, famed for cross-examining, was, on one occasion,
completely silenced by a horse-dealer. Pray, Mr. ----, you belong to...
|
Servants
IT was an observation of Elwes, the noted miser, that if you keep one
servant your work will be done; if you keep two, it will be half...
|
Plain Enough
A GENTLEMAN, praising the personal charms of a very plain woman in the
presence of Foote, the latter said: And why don't you lay claim...
|
A Poser
AT Plymouth there is, or was, a small green opposite the Government
House, over which no one was permitted to pass. Not a creature was...
|
True Criticism
A GENTLEMAN being prevailed upon to taste a lady's home-made wine, was
asked for an opinion of what he had tasted. I always give a can...
|
Origin Of The Term Grog
THE British sailors had always been accustomed to drink their allowance
of brandy or rum clear, till Admiral Vernon ordered those unde...
|
Well Said
A GENTLEMAN, speaking of the happiness of the married state before his
daughter, disparagingly said, She who marries, does well; but s...
|
Sleeping At Church
DR. SOUTH, when once preaching before Charles II., observed that the
monarch and his attendants began to nod, and some of them soon af...
|
Sheridan Convivial
LORD BYRON notes: What a wreck is Sheridan! and all from bad pilotage;
for no one had ever better gales, though now and then a little ...
|
The Worst Of Two Evils
VILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, in King Charles II.'s time, was saying one
day to Sir Robert Viner, in a melancholy humor: I am afraid, ...
|
Quid Pro Quo
A WORTHY Roman Catholic clergyman, well known as Priest Matheson, and
universally respected in the district, had charge of a mission i...
|
Credit
AMONG the witty aphorisms upon this unsafe topic, are Lord Alvanley's
description of a man who muddled away his fortune in paying his
...
|
Seeing Not Believing
A LADY'S-MAID told her mistress that she once swallowed several pins
together. Dear me! said the lady, didn't they kill you?
...
|
Spirit Of A Gambler
A BON-VIVANT, brought to his death-bed by an immoderate use of wine,
after having been told that he could not in all human probability...
|
Burke's Tediousness
THOUGH upon great occasions Burke was one of the most eloquent of men
that ever sat in the British senate, he had in ordinary matters ...
|
Very Like Each Other
IT appears that there were two persons of the name of Dr. John Thomas,
not easily to be distinguished; for somebody (says Bishop Newto...
|
Fortunate Stars
MY stars! cried a courtier, with stars and lace twirled,
What homage we nobles command in the world!
True, my lord, said ...
|
A New Reading
TOWARDS the close of the administration of Sir Robert Walpole, he was
talking very freely to some of his friends of the vanity and vex...
|
Quite At Ease
FOOTE, the actor, was one day taken into White's Club-House by a friend
who wanted to write a note. Lord Carmarthen approached to spea...
|
Charles Duke Of Norfolk
IN cleanliness, the Duke was negligent to so great a degree, that he
rarely made use of water for purposes of bodily refreshment and c...
|
Clearing Emigrants
AN Irish gentleman, resident in Canada, was desirous to persuade his
sons to work as backwoodsmen, instead of drinking champagne at so...
|
Parliamentary Case
BISHOP ANDREWS, who was master and a great benefactor of Pembroke Hall,
was one day at court with Waller the poet, and others. While K...
|
Outline Of An Ambassador
WHEN the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came
to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townsend, being asked...
|
Nature And Art
A WORTHY English agriculturist visited the great dinner-table of the
Astor House Hotel, in New York, and took up the bill of fare. His...
|
A Comparison
IT is with narrow-souled people as with narrow-necked bottles,--the less
they have in them, the more noise they make in pouring it out...
|
The Snuff-box
AT a party in Portman Square, Brummell's snuff-box was particularly
admired: it was handed round, and a gentleman, finding it rather
...
|
Not Sick Enough For That
LORD PLUNKET is said to have acutely felt his forced resignation of the
Irish Chancellorship, and his supersedeas by Lord Campbell. A ...
|
A Seasonable Joke
ADMIRAL DUNCAN'S address to the officers who came on board his ship for
instructions previous to the engagement with Admiral de Winter...
|
Getting A Living
THE late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, was thrown into a ditch; at the
same time a young curate, calling out Lie still, your Grace; l...
|
Good Eyes
A MAN of wit being asked what pleasure he could have in the company of a
pretty woman who was a loquacious simpleton, replied, I love ...
|
Indifference To Life
A SOLDIER, who was being led to the gallows, saw a crowd of people
running on before. Don't be in such a hurry, said he to them. I can...
|
A Last Resource
VILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, was making his complaint to Sir John
Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, and asked him...
|
A Dull Man
LORD BYRON knew a dull man who lived on a bon mot of Moore's for a
week; and his lordship once offered a wager of a considerable sum...
|
White Teeth
PROFESSOR SAUNDERSON, who occupied so distinguished a situation in the
University of Cambridge as that of Lucasian Professor of Mathem...
|
A Pleasant Partner
A FARMER having bought a barn in partnership with a neighbor who
neglected to make use of it, plentifully stored his own part with cor...
|
Two Carriages
TWO ladies disputed for precedency, one the daughter of a wealthy
brewer, the other the daughter of a gentleman of small fortune. You ...
|
Excusable Fear
A HUSBAND, who only opposed his wife's ill humor by silence, was told by
a friend that he was afraid of his wife.--It is not she I am ...
|
Coleridge And Thelwall
THELWALL and Coleridge were sitting once in a beautiful recess in the
Quantock Hills, when the latter said, Citizen John, this is a fi...
|
A Flash Of Wit
SYDNEY SMITH, after Macaulay's return from the East, remarked to a
friend who had been speaking of the distinguished conversationalist...
|
Lost And Found
THE ferryman, whilst plying over a water which was only slightly
agitated, was asked by a timid lady in his boat, whether any persons
...
|
A Military Axiom
AN old soldier having been brought up to vote at an election at the
expense of one of the candidates, voted for his opponent, and when...
|
A Forcible Argument
THAT erudite Cantab, Bishop Burnett, preaching before Charles II., being
much warmed with his subject, uttered some religious truth wi...
|
Not To Be Done Brown
DR. THOMAS BROWN courted a lady for many years, but unsuccessfully,
during which time it had been his custom to drink the lady's healt...
|
An Odd Notion
A LADY the other day meeting a girl who had lately left her service,
inquired, Well, Mary, where do you live now?--Please, ma'am, I do...
|
A Sure Take
AN old sportsman, who, at the age of eighty-three, was met by a friend
riding very fast, and was asked what he was in pursuit of? Why,...
|
Mr Tierney's Humor
MR. TIERNEY, when alluding to the difficulty the Foxites and Pittites
had in passing over to join each other in attacking the Addingto...
|
Difference Of Opinion
IF I were so unlucky, said an officer, as to have a stupid son, I
would certainly by all means make him a parson. A clergyman who was
...
|
Orthography
THE laird of M'N----b was writing a letter from an Edinburgh
coffee-house, when a friend observed that he was setting at defiance
the...
|
A Short Journey
ZOUNDS, fellow! exclaimed a choleric old gentleman to a very
phlegmatic matter-of-fact person, I shall go out of my wits.--Well,
you ...
|
Lord Howe
ADMIRAL LORD HOWE, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the
middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed h...
|
Rather Ethereal
DR. JOHN WILKINS wrote a work in the reign of Charles II., to show the
possibility of making a voyage to the moon. The Duchess of Newc...
|
Henry Viii
THIS monarch, after the death of Jane Seymour, had some difficulty to
get another wife. His first offer was to the Duchess Dowager of ...
|
Melodramatic Hit
BURKE'S was a complete failure, when he flung the dagger on the floor of
the House of Commons, and produced nothing but a smothered la...
|
The Gentleman Has Brought Us The _knife_ But
where is the fork?
...
|
A Long Illness
A CLERGYMAN in the country taking his text from the fourteenth verse of
the third chapter of St. Matthew: And Peter's wife's mother la...
|
Dialogue In The Western Islands Of Scotland
HOW long is this loch?
It will be about twanty mile.
Twenty miles! surely it cannot be so much?
Maybe it will be twelve.
It...
|
What's In A Name?
SOON after Lord ----'s elevation to the peerage, he remarked that authors
were often very ridiculous in the titles they gave. That, sa...
|
Tillotson
WHO was then Archbishop of Canterbury, on King William's complaining of
the shortness of his sermon, answered, Sire, could I have best...
|
Important To Bachelors
SOME clever fellow has invented a new kind of ink, called the
love-letter ink. It is a sure preventive against all cases of breach
of...
|
Chin-surveying
A PERSON not far from Torrington, Devon, whose face is somewhat above
the ordinary dimensions, has been waited on and shaved by a cert...
|
1dbeing 15l 9s 11d In Favor Of _chin-surveying_
...
|
Changing Hats
BARRY the painter was with Nollekens at Rome in 1760, and they were
extremely intimate. Barry took the liberty one night, when they we...
|
Powder Without Ball
DR. GOODALL, of Eton, about the same time that he was made Provost of
Eton, received also a Stall at Windsor. A young lady, whilst
co...
|
Pope's Last Illness
DURING Pope's last illness, a squabble happened in his chamber, between
his two physicians, Dr. Burton and Dr. Thomson, they mutually ...
|
Opposite Tempers
GENERAL SUTTON was very passionate, and calling one morning on Sir
Robert Walpole, who was quite the reverse, found his servant shavin...
|
A Conjugal Conclusion
A WOMAN having fallen into a river, her husband went to look for her,
proceeding up the stream from the place where she fell in. The
...
|
A Queer Expression
A POOR but clever student in the University of Glasgow was met by one of
the Professors, who noticing the scantiness of his academical...
|
An Irishman's Notion Of Discount
IT chanced, one gloomy day in the month of December, that a good-humored
Irishman applied to a merchant to discount a bill of exchange...
|
A Participation In A Practical Joke
SOME unlucky lads in the University bearing a spite to the dean for his
severity towards them, went secretly one night and daubed the ...
|
Ingratitude
WHEN Lord B---- died, a person met an old man who was one of his most
intimate friends. He was pale, confused, awe-stricken. Every one...
|
A Prefix
WHEN Lord Melcombe's name was plain Bubb, he was intended by the
administration to be sent ambassador to Spain. Lord Chesterfield met
...
|
A Good Mixture
AN eminent painter was once asked what he mixed his colors with in order
to produce so extraordinary an effect. I mix them with brains...
|
Sir Walter Scott's Parritch-pan
IN the museum at Abbotsford there is a small Roman patera, or goblet,
in showing which Sir Walter Scott tells the following story: I
...
|
Horne Tooke And Wilkes
HORNE TOOKE having challenged Wilkes, who was then Sheriff of London and
Middlesex, received the following laconic reply: Sir, I do no...
|
A Literary Rendering
A SCOTCH lady gave her servant very particular instructions regarding
visitors, explaining, that they were to be shown into the drawin...
|
Temperance Cruets
THE late James Smith might often be seen at the Garrick Club,
restricting himself at dinner to a half-pint of sherry; whence he was
d...
|
Dr Glynn's Receipt For Dressing A Cucumber
DR. GLYNN, whose name is still remembered in Cambridge, being one day in
attendance on a lady, in the quality of her physician, took t...
|
What's A Hat Without A Head?
CAPTAIN INNES of the Guards (usually called Jock Innes by his
contemporaries) was with others getting ready for Flushing, or some of
...
|
Severe Rebuke
SIR WILLIAM B. being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were
objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, Sir, said he to the ...
|
Horses To Grass
IN an Irish paper was an advertisement for horses to stand at livery, on
the following terms:--
Long-tailed horses, at 3s. 6d. pe...
|
Inadvertence And Epicurism
WHEN the Duke of Wellington was at Paris, as Commander of the Allied
Armies, he was invited to dine with Cambaceres, one of the most
...
|
Very True
ALL that is necessary for the enjoyment of sausages at breakfast is
confidence.
...
|
A Jew's Eye To Business
A JEW, who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and
was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arri...
|
St Peter A Bachelor
IN the list of benefactors to Peter-House is Lady Mary Ramsay, who is
reported to have offered a very large property, nearly equal to ...
|
True Of Both
I SWEAR, said a gentleman to his mistress, you are very
handsome.--Pooh! said the lady, so you would say if you did not
think so.--An...
|
A Poser
A LECTURER, wishing to explain to a little girl the manner in which a
lobster casts his shell when he has outgrown it, said, What do y...
|
Very Appropriate
A FACETIOUS old gentleman, who thought his two sons consumed too much
time in hunting and shooting, styled them Nimrod and Ramrod.
...
|
A Bad Judge
UPON the occasion of the birth of the Princess Royal, the Duke of
Wellington was in the act of leaving Buckingham Palace, when he met ...
|
White Hands
IN a country market a lady, laying her hand upon a joint of veal, said,
Mr. Smallbone, I think this veal is not quite so white as
usu...
|
True To The Letter
IT may be all very well to say that the office of a tax-gatherer needs
no great ability for the fulfilment of its duties, but there is...
|
Sir Walter Scott And Constable
SCOTT is known to have profited much by Constable's bibliographical
knowledge, which was very extensive. The latter christened Kenilwo...
|
True Philosophy
LE SAGE, the author of Gil Blas, said, to console himself for his
deafness, with his usual humor, When I go into a company where I fin...
|
Answered At Once
A SCOTCH clergyman preaching a drowsy sermon, asked, What is the
price of earthly pleasure? The deacon, a fat grocer, woke up hastily
...
|
A Deadly Weapon
WELL, sir, asked a noisy disputant, don't you think that I have
mauled my antagonist to some purpose?--O yes, replied a listener,
you...
|
Equality Of The Law
THE following cannot be omitted from a Jest Book, although somewhat
lengthy:--
A man was convicted of bigamy, and the annexed conve...
|
Clerk Of Assize: What Have You To Say Why Judgment Should Not
be passed upon you according to law? Prisoner: Well, my Lord, my wife
took up with a hawker, and run away five years ago, and I've never...
|
Open Confession
IN a cause tried in the Court of Queen's Bench, the plaintiff being a
widow, and the defendants two medical men who had treated her fo...
|
Quite Professional
A COMEDIAN, who had been almost lifted from his feet by the pressure at
the funeral of a celebrated tragedian, ultimately reached the
...
|
On Dr Lettsom
IF anybody comes to I,
I physics, bleeds, and sweats 'em;
If after that they like to die,
Why, what care I, I Le...
|
Equitable Law
A RICH man made his will, leaving all he had to a company of
fellow-citizens to dispose of, but reserving to his right heir such a
po...
|
Irish And Scotch Loyalty
WHEN George the Fourth went to Ireland, one of the pisintry said to
the toll-keeper as the king passed through, Och, now! an' his maje...
|
Running Accounts
THE valet of a man of fashion could get no money from him, and therefore
told him that he should seek another master, and begged he wo...
|
On Bloomfield The Poet
BLOOMFIELD, thy happy-omened name
Ensures continuance to thy fame;
Both sense and truth this verdict give.
While fie...
|
Scotchman And Highwaymen
A SCOTCH pedestrian, attacked by three highwaymen, defended himself with
great courage, but was at last overpowered, and his pockets r...
|
Irish Imprudence
IN the year 1797, when democratic notions ran high, the king's coach was
attacked as his majesty was going to the House of Peers. A gi...
|
The Pigs And The Silver Spoon
THE Earl of P---- kept a number of swine at his seat in Wiltshire, and
crossing the yard one day he was surprised to see the pigs gath...
|
A False Face True
THAT there is falsehood in his looks
I must and will deny;
They say their master is a knave:
And sure they do not li...
|
A Considerate Mayor
A COUNTRY mayor being newly got into office, that he might be seen to do
something in it, would persuade his brethren to have a new pa...
|
The Safe Side
DURING the riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save their
houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors,...
|
Visibly Losing
IN an election for the borough of Tallagh, Councillor Egan, or bully
Egan, as he was familiarly called, being an unsuccessful candidat...
|
Reason For Thick Ankles
HARRY, I cannot think, says Dick,
What makes my ankles grow so thick.
You do not recollect, says Harry,
How great a ...
|
Erasmus Versus Luther
ERASMUS, of whom Cambridge has a right to be not a little proud, was
entreated by Lord Mountjoy to attack the errors of Luther. My lor...
|
Something To Be Proud Of
SHERIDAN was once talking to a friend about the Prince Regent, who took
great credit to himself for various public measures, as if the...
|
Fairly Won
THE only practical joke in which Richard Harris Barham (better known by
his nom-de-plume of Thomas Ingoldsby) ever personally engaged,...
|
A Fortunate Expedient
A GENTLEMAN of Trinity College, travelling through France, was annoyed
at the slowness of the pace, and wishing to urge the postilion ...
|
On The Four Georges
GEORGE the First was always reckoned
Vile,--but viler, George the Second;
And what mortal ever heard
Any good of Geo...
|
What Everybody Does
HOPKINS once lent Simpson, his next door neighbor, an umbrella, and
having an urgent call to make on a wet day, knocked at Simpson's d...
|
What Is An Archdeacon?
LORD ALTHORP, when Chancellor of the Exchequer, having to propose to the
House of Commons a vote of L400 a year for the salary of the ...
|
On Mr Pitt's Being Pelted By The Mob On Lord Mayor's
DAY, 1787.
THE City-feast inverted here we find,
For Pitt had his dessert before he dined.
...
|
Latimer
THE pious and learned martyr, and Bishop of Worcester, who was educated
at Christ College, Cambridge, and was one of the first reforme...
|
Excuse For Cowardice
A BRAGGART ran away from battle, and gave as a reason, that a friend
had written his epitaph, which had an excellent point in it, prov...
|
A New Idea
ONE of Mrs. Montague's blue-stocking ladies fastened upon Foote, at one
of the routs in Portman Square, with her views of Locke On the...
|
Neighborly Politeness
SIR GODFREY KNELLER and Dr. Ratcliffe lived next door to each other, and
were extremely intimate. Kneller had a very fine garden, and ...
|
A Heavy Weight
MR. DOUGLAS, son of the Bishop of Salisbury, was six feet two inches in
height, and of enormous bulk. The little boys of Oxford always...
|
A Syllabic Difference
GIBBON, the historian, was one day attending the trial of Warren
Hastings in Westminster Hall, and Sheridan, having perceived him ther...
|
Sinking The Well
THEODORE HOOK once observed a party of laborers sinking a well. What
are you about? he inquired. Boring for water, sir, was the answer...
|
On A Gentleman Named Heddy
IN reading his name it may truly be said,
You will make that man dy if you cut off his Hed.
...
|
The Way To Kew
HOOK, in the supposed character of Gower-street undergraduate, says:
One problem was given me to work which I did in a twinkling. Give...
|
Above Proof
AN East-India Governor having died abroad, his body was put in arrack,
to preserve it for interment, in England. A sailor on board the...
|
Awkward Orthography
MATHEWS once went to Wakefield, then, from commercial failures, in a
dreadful state. In vain did he announce his inimitable Youthful D...
|
Miss Wilberforce
WHEN Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for Hull, his sister, an amiable
and witty young lady, offered the compliment of a new gown to ea...
|
Written On The Union 1801 By A Barrister Of Dublin
WHY should we explain, that the times are so bad,
Pursuing a querulous strain?
When Erin gives up all the rights that s...
|
A Cool Proposition
AT the breaking up of a fashionable party at the west end of town, one
of the company said he was about to drop in at Lady Blessington...
|
A Proper Name
WHEN Messrs. Abbot and Egerton took the old Coburg Theatre for the
purpose of bringing forward the legitimate drama, the former gentle...
|
The Grandson
HORACE WALPOLE, on one occasion observed that there had existed the same
indecision, irresolution, and want of system in the politics ...
|
An Unanswerable Argument
A WELL-FED rector was advising a poor starving laborer to trust to
Providence, and be satisfied with his lot. Ah! replied the needy
m...
|
To Lady Mount E On The Death Of A Favorite Pig
O DRY that tear so round and big,
Nor waste in sighs your precious wind;
Death only takes a single pig--
Your lo...
|
Natural
MRS. SMITH, hearing strange sounds, inquired of her new servant if she
snored in her sleep. I don't know, marm, replied Becky, quite
...
|
Brotherly Love
AN affectionate Irishman once enlisted in the 75th Regiment, in order to
be near his brother, who was a corporal in the 76th.
...
|
A Distressful Denouement
MR. MOORE having been long under a prosecution in Doctors' Commons, his
proctor called on him one day whilst he was composing the trag...
|
Conservative Logic
TAXES are equal is a dogma which
I'll prove at once, exclaimed a Tory boor;
Taxation hardly presses on the rich,
...
|
The Best Wine
SHERIDAN being asked what wine he liked best, replied, The wine of
other people.
...
|
A Valuable Beaver
A GRAND entertainment taking place at Belvoir Castle, on the occasion of
the coming of age of the Marquis of Granby, the company were ...
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Something To Pocket
A DIMINUTIVE lawyer appearing as witness in one of the Courts, was asked
by a gigantic counsellor what profession he was of; and havin...
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Up And Down
AT the Irish bar, Moran Mahaffy, Esq., was as much above the middle size
as Mr. Collis was below it. When Lord Redesdale was Lord Chan...
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A Poor Substitute
THE Rev. Mr. Johnston was one of those rough but quaint preachers of the
former generation who were fond of visiting and good living. ...
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Out Of Spirits
IS my wife out of spirits? said John with a sigh,
As her voice of a tempest gave warning.
Quite out, sir, indeed, said ...
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Good At The Halt
PETER MACNALLY, an Irish attorney, was very lame, and, when walking, had
an unfortunate limp, which he could not bear to be told of. A...
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An Easy Way
A PERSON deeply in debt, was walking through the streets in a melancholy
way, when a friend asked him the cause of his sadness. I owe ...
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Erudite
A LADY had a favorite lapdog, which she called Perchance. A singular
name, said somebody, for a beautiful pet, madam. Where did you fi...
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Very Easy
ON the approach of Holy Week, a great lady said to her friend, We must,
however, mortify ourselves a little.--Well, replied the other,...
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A Winner At Cards
A GENTLEMAN riding one day near Richmond, observed a house delightfully
situated, and asking his companion to whom it belonged, was an...
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Epigram
THE charity of Closefist give to fame,
He has at last subscribed--how much?--his name.
...
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An Inconvenient Break Down
THE play of King Lear being performed at Reading, the representative
of Glo'ster was, on one occasion, taken ill, and another actor wa...
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Small Talk
FUSELI had a great dislike to common-place observations. After sitting
perfectly quiet for a long time in his own room, during the bal...
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Rather Ferocious
AS Burke was declaiming with great animation against Hastings, he was
interrupted by little Major Scott. Am I, said he, indignantly, t...
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Only For Life
A SPANISH Archbishop having a dispute with an opulent duke, who said
with scorn, What are you? your title and revenues are only for yo...
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An Outline
WHEN the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came
to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townshend, being aske...
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On Sir Walter Scott's Poem Of Waterloo
ON Waterloo's ensanguined plain,
Full many a gallant man lies slain;
But none, by bullet or by shot,
Fell half so fl...
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Ugly Trades
THE ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I were a
grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could ...
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Dj
...
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A Good Character
AN Irish gentleman parting with a lazy servant-woman, was asked, with
respect to her industry, whether she was what is termed afraid o...
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Sensibility
A KEEN sportsman, who kept harriers, was so vexed when any noise was
made while the hounds were at fault, that he rode up to a gentlem...
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Patience
WHEN Lord Chesterfield was one day at Newcastle House, the Duke
happening to be very particularly engaged, the Earl was requested to s...
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What's My Thought Like?
Quest. WHY is a pump like Viscount Castlereagh?
Ans. Because it is a slender thing of wood,
That up and down its ...
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Not Giving Himself Airs
ARCHDEACON PALEY was in very high spirits when he was presented to his
first preferment in the Church. He attended at a visitation din...
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A Barber Shaved By A Lawyer
SIR, said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, will you
tell me if this is a good half-sovereign? The lawyer, pronouncing...
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A Man Of Metal
EDWIN JAMES, examining a witness, asked him what his business was. He
answered, A dealer in old iron.--Then, said the counsel, you mus...
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Specimen Of The Laconic
BE less prolix, says Grill. I like advice.
Grill, you're an ass! Now, surely, that's concise.
...
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A Drop
DEAN SWIFT was one day in company, when the conversation fell upon the
antiquity of the family. The lady of the house expatiated a lit...
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Error In Judgment
AN author once praised another writer very heartily to a third person.
It is very strange, was the reply, that you speak so well of hi...
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The Superiority Of Machinery
A MECHANIC his labor will often discard,
If the rate of his pay he dislikes:
But a clock--and its case is uncommonly ha...
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The Money-borrower Deceived
A YOUTH had borrowed a hundred pounds of a very rich friend, who had
concluded that he should never see them again. He was mistaken, f...
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A Speaking Canvas
SOME of the friends of a famous painter, observed to him, that they
never heard him bestow any praises but on his worst paintings. Tru...
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Industry Of The English People
SYDNEY SMITH, writing in the Edinburgh Review, says, If the English
were in a paradise of spontaneous productions, they would continue...
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Ocular
TAYLOR says, My best pun was that which I made to Sheridan, who married
a Miss Ogle. We were supping together at the Shakespeare, when...
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On The Disappointment Of The Whig Associates Of The Prince
REGENT AT NOT OBTAINING OFFICE.
YE politicians, tell me, pray,
Why thus with woe and care rent?
This is the wo...
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An Apt Reproof
MR. WESLEY, during his voyage to America, hearing an unusual noise in
the cabin of General Oglethorpe (the Governor of Georgia, with w...
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The Lame Beggar
I AM unable, yonder beggar cries,
To stand or move. If he says true, he lies.
...
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Holland's Funeral
HOLLAND, who was a great favorite with Foote, died. While the funeral
ceremony was performing, G. Garrick remarked to Foote: You see w...
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Pretty
HOPE is the dream of those who are awake.
...
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Not Improbable
A CERTAIN young clergyman, modest almost to bashfulness, was once asked
by a country apothecary, of a contrary character, in a public ...
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Sought And Found
THREE conceited young wits, as they thought themselves, passing along
the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they ...
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No Redeeming Virtue
PRAY, does it always rain in this hanged place,
Enough to drive one mad, heaven knows?
No, please your grace,
...
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A Remarkable Echo
A CERTAIN Chief Justice, on hearing an ass bray, interrupted the late
Mr. Curran, in his speech to the jury, by saying, One at a time,...
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A Dutiful Daughter
THE father of Mrs. Siddons had always forbidden her to marry an actor,
and of course she chose a member of the old gentleman's company...
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A Pertinent Question
FRANKLIN was once asked, What is the use of your discovery of
atmospheric electricity? The philosopher answered the question by
anoth...
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A Soporific
A PROSY orator reproved Lord North for going to sleep during one of his
speeches. Pooh, pooh! said the drowsy Premier; the physician s...
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The Amende Honorable
QUOTH Will, On that young servant-maid
My heart its life-string stakes.
Quite safe! cries Dick, don't be afraid,
...
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Allegorical Representation
A PAINTER, who was well acquainted with the dire effects of law, had to
represent two men,--one who had gained a law-suit, and another...
|
Military Eloquence
AN officer who commanded a regiment very ill-clothed, seeing a party of
the enemy advancing, who appeared newly equipped, he said to h...
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Cutting Off The Supplies
THE late Duke of York is reported to have once consulted Abernethy.
During the time his highness was in the room, the doctor stood bef...
|
Epigram
THE proverb says, and no one e'er disputes,
Nature the shoulder to the burden suits;
Then nature gave to Saucemore with h...
|
A Fowl Joke
A CITY policeman before Judge Maule said he was in the hens (N)
division. Do you mean in the Poultry? asked the Judge.
...
|
An Expensive Trip
IRISH Johnstone, the comedian, was known to be rather parsimonious. On
one of his professional visits to Dublin, he billeted himself (...
|
Old Friends
COLEMAN, the dramatist, was asked if he knew Theodore Hook. Yes,
replied the wit; Hook and eye are old associates.
...
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A Reason
I WISH you at the devil! said somebody to Wilkes. I don't wish you
there, was the answer. Why?--Because I never wish to see you
again...
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Honor
DURING a siege the officer in command proposed to the grenadiers a large
sum of money as a reward to him who should first drive a fasc...
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Just As Wonderful
A GENTLEMAN asked a friend, in a very knowing manner, Pray, did you
ever see a cat-fish?--No, was the response, but I've seen a
rope-...
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Charity Begins At Home
WELL, neighbor, what's the news this morning? said a gentleman to a
friend. I have just bought a sack of flour for a poor woman.--Just...
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Question Answered
THAT idiot W---- coming out of the Opera one night, called out, Where
is my fellow?--Not in England, I'll swear, said a bystander.
...
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Very Likely
AN officer of the navy being asked what Burke meant by the Cheap
defence of nations, replied, A midshipman's half-pay,--nothing a-day
...
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Inquest Extraordinary
DIED suddenly,--surprised at such a rarity!
Verdict,--Saw Eldon do a little bit of charity.
...
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A Grunt
DOCTOR, when we have sat together some time, you'll find my brother
very entertaining.--Sir, said Johnson, I can wait.
...
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One Fault
SHE is insupportable, said a wit with marked emphasis, of one well
known; but, as if he had gone too far, he added, It is her only
de...
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To The Coming Man
SMART waiter, be contented with thy state,
The world is his who best knows how to wait.
...
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Nothing To Boast Of
THE British empire, sir, exclaimed an orator, is one on which the sun
never sets.--And one, replied an auditor, in which the
tax-gath...
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Colonial Breweries
WHAT two ideas are more inseparable than Beer and Britannia? what event
more awfully important to an English colony, than the erection...
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A Closer
SOME person caused the following inscription to be placed over the door
of a house, Let nothing enter here but what is good.--Then whe...
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The Fool Or Knave
THY praise or dispraise is to me alike;
One doth not stroke me, nor the other strike.
...
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Knowing His Man
AN attorney, not celebrated for his probity, was robbed one night on his
way from Wicklow to Dublin. His father meeting Baron O'Grady ...
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A Good Reason For A Bad Cause
AN eminent counsellor asked another why he so often undertook bad
causes. Sir, answered the lawyer, I have lost so many good ones,
th...
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Self-applause
SOME persons can neither stir hand nor foot without making it clear they
are thinking of themselves, and laying little traps for
...
|
Ss
...
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A Wooden Joke
BURKE said of Lord Thurlow, He was a sturdy oak at Westminster, and a
willow at St James's.
...
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An Old Adage Refuted
A SCHOLAR having fallen into the hands of robbers was fastened to a
tree, and left so nearly a whole day, till one came and unloosed h...
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Theatrical Purgations
A DRAMATIC author once observed that he knew nothing so terrible as
reading his piece before a critical audience. I know but one more
...
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All The Same
IN Edinburgh resided a gentleman, who is as huge, though not so witty,
as Falstaff. It is his custom when he travels to book two place...
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The Principle Of Governments
I SHALL not easily forget the sarcasm of Swift's simile as he told us of
the Prince of Orange's harangue to the mob of Portsmouth. We ...
|
Dr Walcot's Application For Shield's Ivory Opera Pass
SHIELD, while the supplicating poor
Ask thee for meat with piteous moans;
More humble I approach thy door,
And b...
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Cooking His Goose
THE performers rallying Cooke one morning, in the green room, on the
awkward cut of a new coat, he apologized, by saying, It was his
...
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Take Warning!
A BARRISTER who had retired from practice, said: If any man was to
claim the coat upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a lawsuit...
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The Wide Wide Sea
HOOD says that, A Quaker loves the ocean for its broad brim.
...
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Conditional Agreement
DR. A----, when dangerously ill at an hotel, was applied to by the
landlord to pass his bill. The doctor, observing that all the charg...
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On A Squinting Poetess
TO no one muse does she her glance confine,
But has an eye, at once, to all the nine.
...
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A Neat Suggestion
A WELSH judge, celebrated as a suitor for all sorts of places and his
neglect of personal cleanliness, was thus addressed by Mr. Jekyl...
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Scotch Wut
IT requires (says Sydney Smith) a surgical operation to get a joke well
into a Scotch understanding. Their only idea of wit, or rather...
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Where It Came From
A LADY, whose fondness for generous living had given her a flushed face
and rubicund nose, consulted Dr. Cheyne. Upon surveying hersel...
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Quin And Charles I
QUIN sometimes said a wise thing. Disputing concerning the execution of
Charles I.,--By what laws, said his opponent, was he put to de...
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Timely Flattery
A GENTLEMAN was asked by Mrs. Woffington, what difference there was
between her and her watch; to which he instantly replied, Your wat...
|
Epigram On Two Contractors
TO gull the public two contractors come,
One pilfers corn,--the other cheats in rum.
Which is the greater knave, ye wits ...
|
Travellers See Strange Things
A TRAVELLER, when asked whether, in his youth, he had gone through
Euclid, was not quite sure, but he thought it was a small village
...
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An Unconscious Insult
A FRENCHMAN, who had learned English, wished to lose no opportunity of
saying something pretty. One evening he observed to Lady R., wh...
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A Close Translation
A COUNTRY gentleman, wishing to be civil to Dr. B----, a translator of
Juvenal, said, What particularly convinces me of the faithfulne...
|
New Relationship
A STRANGER to law courts hearing a judge call a sergeant brother,
expressed his surprise. O, said one present, they are
brothers,--br...
|
Only A Ninepin
THE Earl of Lonsdale was so extensive a proprietor, and patron of
boroughs, that he returned nine members to Parliament, who were
fac...
|
Dr Walcot's Request For Ivory Tickets Sent To Shield The
COMPOSER.
SON of the string (I do not mean Jack Ketch,
Though Jack, like thee, produceth dying tones),
Oh, yield thy p...
|
Difficulties In Either Case
ONE evening, at a private party at Oxford, at which Dr. Johnson was
present, a recently published essay on the future life of brutes w...
|
A Professional Aim
IN a duel between two attorneys, one of them shot away the skirt of the
other's coat. His second, observing the truth of his aim, decl...
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Flying Colors
SIR GODFREY KNELLER latterly painted more for profit than for praise,
and is said to have used some whimsical preparations in his colo...
|
An Entertaining Proposition
A POMPOUS fellow made a very inadequate offer for a valuable property;
and, calling the next day for an answer, inquired of the gentle...
|
Union Of Opposites
A PHRENOLOGIST remarking that some persons had the organ of murder and
benevolence strongly and equally developed, his friend replied,...
|
Epigram
(On ----'s Veracity.)
HE boasts about the truth I've heard,
And vows he'd never break it;
Why, zounds, a man must ke...
|
An Untaxed Luxury
A LADY having remarked in company that she thought there should be a tax
on the single state; Yes, madam, rejoined an obstinate old
b...
|
A Dear Speaker
SOON after the Irish members were admitted into the House of Commons, on
the union of the kingdom in 1801, one of them, in the middle ...
|
Absurdly Logical
A MAD Quaker (wrote Sydney Smith) belongs to a small and rich sect; and
is, therefore, of greater importance than any other mad person...
|
Proof Positive
A CHEMIST asserted that all bitter things were hot. No, said a
gentleman present, there is a bitter cold day.
...
|
Player Or Lord
ONE day, at a party in Bath, Quin said something which caused a general
murmur of delighted merriment. A nobleman present, who was not...
|
In Memoriam
SOYER is gone! Then be it said,
At last, indeed, great PAN is dead.
...
|
Prime's Preservative
SERGEANT PRIME had a remarkably long nose, and being one day out riding,
was flung from his horse, and fell upon his face in the middl...
|
A Sharp Brush
SHERIDAN was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, the manager,
desirous of showing him some civility, took him all over the theatre,...
|
Not So Daft As Reputed
THERE was a certain Daft Will, who was a privileged haunter of
Eglington Castle and grounds. He was discovered by the noble owner one
...
|
Picking Pockets
THESE beer-shops, quoth Barnabas, speaking in alt,
Are ruinous,--down with the growers of malt!
Too true, answers Ben, wi...
|
Husbanding His Resources
A WAG, reading in one of Brigham Young's manifestoes, that the great
resources of Utah are her women, exclaimed, It is very evident th...
|
Smoothing It Down
A CLIENT remarked to his solicitor, You are writing my bill on very
rough paper, sir.--Never mind, was the reply of the latter, it has...
|
Making Free With The Waist
CURRAN, in cross-examining the chief witness of a plaintiff in an action
for an assault, obliged him to acknowledge that the plaintiff...
|
A Hopeless Invasion
ADMIRAL BRIDPORT, speaking of the threatened invasion by the French in
1798, dryly observed, They might come as they could; for his ow...
|
Droll To Order
ONE evening, a lady said to a small wit, Come, Mr. ----, tell us a
lively anecdote, and the poor fellow was mute during the remainder ...
|
Men Of Weight
IF fat men ride, they tire the horse,
And if they walk themselves--that's worse:
Travel at all, they are at best,
Ei...
|
Chemical Oddity
WHILE an ignorant lecturer was describing the nature of gas, a
blue-stocking lady inquired of a gentleman near her, what was the
diff...
|
An Apish Resemblance
CHARLES LAMB used to say, that he had a great dislike to monkeys, on the
principle that it was not pleasant to look upon one's poor
r...
|
He Who Sung The Lays Of Ancient Rome
LORD MACAULAY, passing one day through the Seven Dials, bought a handful
of ballads from some street-folks who were bawling out their ...
|
Death-bed Forgiveness
A VETERAN Highlander, between whose family and that of a neighboring
chieftain had existed a long hereditary feud, being on his death-...
|
A Reasonable Preference
WHETHER tall men or short men are best,
Or bold men, or modest and shy men,
I can't say, but this I protest,
All...
|
A Dear Bargain
QUIN was one day lamenting that he grew old, when a shallow impertinent
young fellow said to him, What would you give to be as young a...
|
Suggestive Repudiation
LORD BYRON was once asked by a friend in the green-room of the Drury
Lane Theatre, whether he did not think Miss Kelly's acting in the...
|
No Intrusion
A LOQUACIOUS author, after babbling some time about his piece to
Sheridan, said, Sir, I fear I have been intruding on your
attention....
|
Experimentum Crucis
A MERCHANT being asked to define the meaning of experimental and
natural philosophy, said he considered the first to be asking a man
...
|
Not At All Anxious
A MAN very deeply in debt, being reprimanded by his friends for his
disgraceful situation, and the anxiety of a debtor being urged by ...
|
Odd Humor
WHEN Lord Holland was on his death-bed, his friend George Selwyn called
to inquire how his Lordship was, and left his card. This was t...
|
A Ticklish Opening
HENRY ERSKINE happening to be retained for a client of the name of
Tickle, began his speech in opening the case, thus: Tickle, my clie...
|
The Republic Of Letters
HOOD suggests that the phrase republic of letters was hit upon to
insinuate that, taking the whole lot of authors together, they had n...
|
An Offensive Preference
A PERSON meeting with an acquaintance after a long absence, told him
that he was surprised to see him, for he had heard that he was de...
|
Self-condemnation
A COUNTRY gentleman, walking in his garden, saw his gardener asleep in
an arbor. What! says the master, asleep, you idle dog, you are ...
|
An Illegal Indorsement
CURRAN having one day a violent argument with a country schoolmaster on
some classical subject, the pedagogue, who had the worst of it...
|
A Plumper
A YOUNG gentleman, with a bad voice, preached a probation sermon for a
very good lectureship in the city. A friend, when he came out o...
|
A Painful Examination
IN the course of an examination for the degree of B.A. in the Senate
House, Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Payne, one of ...
|
Business And Pleasure
A QUAKER (says Hood) makes a pleasure of his business, and then, for
relaxation, makes a business of his pleasure.
...
|
Information Easily Acquired
A FRIEND, crossing Putney Bridge with Theodore Hook, observed that he
had been informed that it was a very good investment, and inquir...
|
A Walking Stick
AN old gentleman accused his servant of having stolen his stick. The man
protested perfect innocence. Why, you know, rejoined his mast...
|
Charity And Inconvenience
IT is objected, and we admit often with truth, that the wealthy are
ready to bestow their money, but not to endure personal inconvenie...
|
A Reason For Belief
DO you believe in the apostolical succession? inquired one of Sydney
Smith. I do, he replied: and my faith in that dogma dates from th...
|
Openly
NO, Varus hates a thing that's base;
I own, indeed, he's got a knack
Of flattering people to their face,
But sco...
|
Painted Charms
OF a celebrated actress, who, in her declining days, bought charms of
carmine and pearl-powder, Jerrold said, Egad! she should have a ...
|
On The Spot
TWO Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on
the neck-cloth of his companion, said, I see you are a
Grecian...
|
Mr Erskine's Firmness
IN the famous trial of the Dean of Asaph, Mr. Erskine put a question to
the jury, relative to the meaning of their verdict. Mr. Justic...
|
A Shuffling Answer
A FAIR devotee lamented to her confessor her love of gaming. Ah!
madam, replied the reverend gentleman, it is a grievous sin;--in the
...
|
The Debt Paid
TO John I owed great obligation;
But John, unhappily, thought fit
To publish it to all the nation:
Sure John and...
|
A Utilitarian Inquiry
JAMES SMITH one night took old Mr. Twiss to hear Mathews in his At
Home, to the whole of which the mathematician gave devoted attentio...
|
An Objectionable Process
GENERAL D---- was more distinguished for gallantry in the field than for
the care he lavished upon his person. Complaining, on a certa...
|
Epigram
(Upon the late Duke of Buckingham's moderate reform.)
FOR Buckingham to hope to pit
His bill against Lord Grey's is idle;...
|
A Dreadful Suspicion
A GENTLEMAN leaving the company, somebody who sat next to Dr. Johnson
asked who he was. I cannot exactly tell you sir, replied the doc...
|
A Familiar Friend
SYDNEY SMITH was annoyed one evening by the familiarity of a young
gentleman, who, though a comparative stranger, was encouraged by Sm...
|
No Music In His Soul
LORD NORTH, who had a great antipathy to music, being asked why he did
not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it being urged as a ...
|
Professional Candor
A GENTLEMAN afflicted with rheumatism consulted a physician, who
immediately wrote him a prescription. As the patient was going away t...
|
Tell It Not In England
LADY CARTERET, wife of the Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift's time,
one day said to the wit, The air of this country is very good....
|
Fashion And Virtue
WHAT'S fashionable, I'll maintain
Is always right, cries sprightly Jane;
Ah! would to Heaven, cries graver Sue,
What...
|
Professional Companions
A GENTLEMAN, who was dining with another, praised the meat very much,
and inquired who was his butcher. His name is Addison.--Addison!...
|
Why Master Of The House
A TRAVELLER coming up to an inn door, said: Pray, friend, are you the
master of this house?--Yes, sir, answered Boniface, my wife has ...
|
Precautionary
LORD JOHN RUSSELL, remarkable for the smallness of his person as Lord
Nugent was for the reverse, was expected at a house where Sydney...
|
A Late Discoverer
A VERY dull man, after dinner, had been boring the company with a long
discourse, in the course of which he had given utterance to eth...
|
Lines To O'keefe
(Said to be written by Peter Pindar.)
THEY say, O'Keefe,
Thou art a thief,
That half thy works are stolen ...
|
Profession And Practice
A YOUNG lawyer who had been admitted about a year, was asked by a
friend, How do you like your new profession? The reply was accompani...
|
A Riskful Adventure
MR. REYNOLDS, the dramatist, once met a free and easy actor, who
told him that he had passed three festive days at the seat of the
Ma...
|
Wonderful Unanimity
JUDGE CLAYTON was an honest man, but not a profound lawyer. Soon after
he was raised to the Irish bench, he happened to dine in compan...
|
A Michaelmas Meeting
SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE was so bad a horseman, that when mounted he
generally attracted unfavorable notice. On a certain occasion he w...
|
A Typographical Transfer
THE editor of the Evangelical Observer, in reference to a certain
person, took occasion to write that he was rectus in ecclesia, i.e.,...
|
Epigram
(Upon the trustworthiness of ---- ----.)
HE'LL keep a secret well, or I'm deceived,
For what he says will never be believed...
|
Going To Extremes
WHEN ladies wore their dresses very low and very short, a wit observed
that they began too late and ended too soon.
...
|
Silent Appreciation
A GENTLEMAN gave a friend some first-rate wine, which he tasted and
drank, making no remark upon it. The owner, disgusted at his guest...
|
Justice Midas
A JUDGE, joking a young barrister, said, If you and I were turned into
a horse and an ass, which would you prefer to be?--The ass, to ...
|
A Significant Difference
AT an hotel at Brighton, Douglas Jerrold was dining with two friends,
one of whom, after dinner, ordered a bottle of old port.--Waiter...
|
Law And Physic
WHEN Dr. H. and Sergeant A. were walking arm-in-arm, a wag said to a
friend, These two are just equal to one highwayman.--Why? was the...
|
Euclid Refuted
A PART, says Euclid, one at once may see,
Unto the whole can never equal be;
Yet W----'s speeches can this fact control,
...
|
Keeping It To Himself
BURKE once mentioned to Fox that he had written a tragedy. Did you let
Garrick see it? inquired his friend: No, replied Burke; though ...
|
Classical Wit
DR. MAGINN dining with a friend on ham and chicken, addressed Sukey
Boyle, his friend's housekeeper, thus: You know, Boyle, what old O...
|
A Preferable Way
ONE of the Kembles made his first appearance on the stage as an opera
singer. His voice was, however, so bad, that at a rehearsal the
...
|
A Stout Swimmer
SOME one jocularly observed to the Marquis Wellesley, that, in his
arrangements of the ministry, his brother, the Duke, had thrown him...
|
A Choice Of Evils
ONE asked his friend, why he married so little a wife? Why, said he,
I thought you knew, that of all evils we should choose the least....
|
Resting Herself
A LABORER'S daughter, who had been in service from her childhood, would
frequently wish to be married, that, as she expressed herself,...
|
A Chartist Not A Leveller
A CHARTIST at a public meeting, in the course of a speech about the
five points of the charter, exclaimed, Gentlemen, is not one man a...
|
Death And Dr Bolus
MY dart, cried Death, I cannot find,
So now I'm quite at sea.
Quoth Dr. Bolus, Never mind,--
There, take this re...
|
An Evasion
A WELL-DRESSED fellow walked into a room where they were talking
politics, and, stretching himself up to his full height, exclaimed, i...
|
Going From The Point
CURRAN, in describing a speech made by Sergeant Hewitt, said: My
learned friend's speech put me exactly in mind of a familiar utensil ...
|
Defining A Creed
A FRIEND of Sydney Smith inquired, What is Puseyism! To which the
witty canon replied: Puseyism, sir, is inflexion and genuflexion;
p...
|
A Bit Of Moonshine
BROUGHAM, speaking of the salary attached to a new judgeship, said it
was all moonshine. Lyndhurst, in his dry and waggish way, remark...
|
Epigram
WHEN at the head of our most gracious king,
Disloyal Collins did his pebble fling,--
Why choose, with tears the injured m...
|
A Kind Hint
LORD GREY complains that he cannot succeed in pleasing any party. He
should follow the example of duellists, and by going out he would...
|
Priest's Orders
AN actor named Priest was playing at one of the principal theatres. Some
one remarked to the Garrick Club that there were a great many...
|
Sheridan And Burke
AFTER a very violent speech from an opposition member, Mr. Burke started
suddenly from his seat, and rushed to the ministerial side of...
|
Always The Better
A CAMBRIDGE tutor said to his pupil, If you go over to Newmarket,
beware of betting, for in nine cases out of ten it brings a man to
...
|
A Pungent Pinch
WHEN Curran was cross-examining Lundy Foot, the celebrated Irish
tobacconist, he put a question at which Lundy hesitated a great deal:...
|
Off With His Head
AN EMINENT painter, who had suffered, under the common malady of his
profession, namely, to paint portraits for persons who neither pa...
|
On A Great Talker
TO hear Dash by the hour blunder forth his vile prose,
Job himself scarcely patience could keep;
He's so dull that each...
|
Dry Humor
AN Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman a long stage during torrents
of rain, was asked if he was not very wet? Arrah! I wouldn't ...
|
Change For A Guinea
THE beautiful Lady Coventry was exhibiting to Selwyn a splendid new
dress, covered with large silver spangles, the size of a shilling,...
|
As Black As He Could Be Painted
A LITTLE boy one day came running home, and said, O father, I've just
seen the blackest man that ever was!--How black was he, my son?-...
|
A Man And A Brother
HARRY WOODWARD, walking with a friend, met a most miserable object, who
earnestly solicited their charity. On Woodward giving a few pe...
|
Pulling Up A Poet
A POET was once walking with T----, in the street, reciting some of his
verses. T---- perceiving, at a short distance, a man yawning, ...
|
An Honor To Tipperary
A GENTLEMAN from Ireland, on entering a London tavern, saw a countryman
of his, a Tipperary squire, sitting over his pint of wine in t...
|
Witty Thanksgiving
BARHAM having sent his friend, Sydney Smith, a brace of pheasants, the
present was acknowledged in the following characteristic epistl...
|
Ever
yours, S.S.
...
|
A Reason For Not Moving
THOMSON, the author of the Seasons, was wonderfully indolent. A friend
entered his room, and finding him in bed, although the day was ...
|
Killed By His Own Remedy
THE surgeon of an English ship of war used to prescribe salt water for
his patients in all disorders. Having sailed one evening on a p...
|
Nothing Surprising
ADMIRAL LEE, when only a post captain, being on board his ship one very
rainy and stormy night, the officer of the watch came down to ...
|
Running No Risk
I'M very much surprised, quoth Harry,
That Jane a gambler should marry.
I'm not at all, her sister says,
You know he...
|
A Humorist Piqued
THEODORE HOOK was relating to his friend, Charles Mathews, how, on one
occasion, when supping in the company of Peake, the latter
sur...
|
Not Room For A Neighbor
A LANDED proprietor in the small county of Rutland became very intimate
with the Duke of Argyle, to whom, in the plenitude of his frie...
|
An Unexpected Cannonade
AT one of the annual dinners of the members of the Chapel Royal, a
gentleman had been plaguing Edward Cannon with a somewhat dry
disq...
|
On Butler's Monument
WHILE Butler, needy wretch, was yet alive,
No generous patron would a dinner give.
See him, when starved to death and tur...
|
A Word In Season
MRS. POWELL the actress was at a court of assize when a young barrister,
who rose to make his maiden speech, suddenly stopped short an...
|
Getting The Worst Of It
PORSON was once disputing with an acquaintance, who, getting the worst of
it, said, Professor, my opinion of you is most contemptible....
|
A Satisfactory Explanation
ONE of the curiosities some time since shown at a public exhibition,
professed to be a skull of Oliver Cromwell. A gentleman present
...
|
I Takes 'em As They Come
A CANTAB, one day observing a ragamuffin-looking boy scratching his
head at the door of Alderman Purchase, in Cambridge, where he was
...
|
A Climax
THE late Earl Dudley wound up an eloquent tribute to the virtues of a
deceased Baron of the Exchequer with this pithy peroration: He w...
|
Blank Cartridge
EPIGRAM on the occasion of the duel between Tom Moore, the poet, and
Francis Jeffrey:--
When Anacreon would fight, as the poets...
|
Sermons In Stones
THE Duke of Wellington having had his windows broken by the mob,
continued to have boards before the windows of his house in Piccadill...
|
Early Habits
THERE was in Wilkes's time a worthy person, who had risen from the
condition of a bricklayer to be an alderman of London. Among other ...
|
Law And The Scottish Thane
DURING the representation of Macbeth, an eminent special pleader
graced the boxes of Drury Lane Theatre, to see it performed. When the...
|
Not To Be Believed
THE following lines were addressed to a gentleman notoriously addicted
to the vice which has been euphemistically described as the
po...
|
A Reason For Polygamy
AN Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with
marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hard...
|
Byron Libellous
THE conversation at Holland House turning on first love, Thomas Moore
compared it to a potato, because it shoots from the eyes.--Or
r...
|
A Terrible Possibility
AN acquaintance remarked to Dr. Robert South, the celebrated preacher at
the court of Charles the Second, Ah! doctor, you are such a w...
|
Attired To Tire
SIR JOSEPH JEKYLL wrote the following impromptu, on observing a certain
sergeant, well known for his prosiness, bustling into the Cour...
|
A Small Joke
MR. DALE, who it would appear was a short stout man, had a person in his
employment named Matthew, who was permitted that familiarity ...
|
A Vain Threat
MR. BROWN, I owe you a grudge, remember that!--I shall not be
frightened then, for I never knew you to pay anything that you owe.
...
|
Poor Law
PRAY, my lord, asked a fashionable lady of Lord Kenyon, what do you
think my son had better do in order to succeed in the law?--Let hi...
|
Cause And Effect
IT is too true that there are many patriots, who, while they bleat about
the cause of liberty, act in so interested a manner that they...
|
A Fair Distribution
WHEN the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the
combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the Rev...
|
Something Sharp
WHEN we heard ---- say a thing of some acidity the other night in the
House of Commons, the honorable member reminded us of a calf's h...
|
G A'b
...
|
An Affectionate Hint
A NAMESAKE of Charles Fox having been hung at Tyburn, the latter
inquired of George Selwyn whether he had attended the execution? No,
...
|
A Simile
VANE'S speeches to an hour-glass,
Do some resemblance show;
Because the longer time they run,
The shallower they gro...
|
A Wide Difference
ROWLAND HILL rode a great deal, and exercise preserved him in vigorous
health. On one occasion, when asked by a medical friend what ph...
|
Aspiring Poverty
A ROMAN Catholic prelate requested Pugin, the architect, to furnish
designs, etc., for a new church. It was to be very large, very
ha...
|
A Tender Suggestion
A BEGGAR in Dublin had been long besieging an old, gouty, testy
gentleman, who roughly refused to relieve him. The mendicant civilly
...
|
Sudden Freedom
A NATION grown free in a single day is a child born with the limbs and
the vigor of a man, who would take a drawn sword for his rattle...
|
Ss
...
|
Epigram
THY flattering picture, Phryne, 's like to thee
Only in this, that you both painted be.
...
|
Answering Her According To Her Folly
A LADY having put to Canning the silly question, Why have they made the
spaces in the iron gate at Spring Gardens so narrow? he replie...
|
The Sun In His Eye
LORD PLUNKETT had a son in the Church at the time the Tithe Corporation
Act was passed, and warmly supported the measure. Some one obs...
|
A Bright Rejoinder
AN Englishman paying an Irish shoeblack with rudeness, the dirty
urchin said, My honey, all the polish you have is upon your boots
an...
|
Well Turned
ON the formation of the Grenville administration, Bushe, who had the
reputation of a waverer, apologized one day for his absence from ...
|
A Quick Lie
A CONCEITED coxcomb, with a very patronizing air, called out to an Irish
laborer, Here, you bogtrotter, come and tell me the greatest ...
|
A Merry Thought
THEY cannot be complete in aught
Who are not humorously prone;
A man without a merry thought
Can hardly have a f...
|
An Impudent Wit
HOOK one day walking in the Strand with a friend, had his attention
directed to a very pompous gentleman, who strutted along as if the...
|
Wearing Away
A SCHOOLMASTER said of himself: I am like a hone, I sharpen a number
of blades, but I wear myself in doing it.
...
|
A Pertinent Question
JUDGE JEFFREYS, of notorious memory (pointing with his cane to a man who
was about to be tried), said, There is a great rogue at the e...
|
A Base Joke
A GENTLEMAN one day observed to Henry Erskine, that punning was the
lowest of wit. It is, answered Erskine, and therefore the
foundat...
|
A Wide-awake Minister
LORD NORTH'S good humor and readiness were of admirable service to him
when the invectives of his opponents would have discomforted a ...
|
On Cardinal Wolsey
BEGOT by butchers, but by bishops bred,
How high his honor holds his haughty head!
...
|
Not Finding Himself
HOW do you find yourself to-day, said an old friend to Jack Reeve, as
he met him going in dinner costume to the city. Thank you, he
r...
|
A Witty Proposition
SHERIDAN, being on a parliamentary committee, one day entered the room
as all the members were seated and ready to commence business.
...
|
A Warm Man
A MAN with a scolding wife, being asked what his occupation was, replied
that he kept a hot-house.
...
|
Long Ago
A LADY, who was very submissive and modest before marriage, was observed
by a friend to use her tongue pretty freely after. There was ...
|
An Unlikely Result
WHEN Sir Thomas More was brought a prisoner to the Tower, the
lieutenant, who had formerly received many favors from him, offered him
...
|
Political Logic
IF two decided negatives will make
Together one affirmative, let's take
P----t's and L----t's, each a rogue per se,
...
|
A Wise Decision
A GENTLEMAN going to take water at Whitehall stairs, cried out, as he
came near the place, Who can swim?--I, master, said forty bawlin...
|
A Point Needing To Be Settled
A SCOTTISH minister being one day engaged in visiting some members of
his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping ...
|
A Poor Laugh
CURRAN was just rising to cross-examine a witness before a judge who was
familiar with the dry-as-dust black-letter law books, but cou...
|
An Anticipated Calamity
ON the departure of Bishop Selwyn for his diocese, New Zealand, Sydney
Smith, when taking his leave of him, said: Good by, my dear Sel...
|
Matrimony
MY dear, what makes you always yawn?
The wife exclaimed, her temper gone,
Is home so dull and dreary?
Not so, ...
|
Dry But Not Thirsty
CURRAN, conversing with Sir Thomas Turton, happened to remark that he
could never speak in public for a quarter of an hour without moi...
|
Shakespearian Grog
AS for the brandy, nothing extenuate,--and the water, put naught in,
in malice.
...
|
A Jury Case
CURRAN, speaking of his loss of business in the Court of Chancery caused
by Lord Clare's hostility to him, and of the consequent neces...
|
Something To Be Grateful For
LORD ALVANLEY, after his duel with young O'Connell, gave a guinea to the
hackney-coachman who had driven him to and from the scene of ...
|
The Ruling Passion Strong In Death
A DYING miser sent for his solicitor, and said, Now begin, and I will
dictate particulars.--I give and I bequeath, commenced the man o...
|
An Endless Task
WHO seeks to please all men each way,
And not himself offend,
He may begin his work to-day,
But who knows when h...
|
Professional Recognition
MISS KELLY standing one day in the street, enjoying the vagaries of
punch with the rest of the crowd, the showman came up to her and
...
|
A Celestial Vision
QUIN, being asked by a lady why there were more women in the world than
men, replied, It is in conformity with the other arrangements ...
|
Destitution Of The Smith Family
ONE morning a pompous little man called upon Sydney Smith, saying that,
being about to compile a history of distinguished families in
...
|
Uncivil Warning
A CELEBRATED professor, dining in company with a gaudy, discordant, and
silly chatterer, was asked to help her to the usual concomitan...
|
An Inevitable Misfortune
WHEN Boswell was first introduced to Dr. Johnson, he apologized to him
for being a Scotchman. I find, said he, that I am come to Londo...
|
Done For
TWO gentlemen were lately examining the breast of a plough on a stall in
a market-place. I'll bet you a crown, said one, you don't kno...
|
A Problem For Total Abstainers
THOMAS HOOD says: Puny draughts can hardly be called drinking. Pints
cannot be deemed potations.
...
|
The Dog Tax
BROWN drops in. Brown is said to be the toady of Jones. When Jones has
the influenza, Brown dutifully catches cold in the head. Dougla...
|
A Pun With An Irish Accent
HOOD described a good church minister as Piety parsonified.
...
|
A New Way With Attorneys
ONE day a simple farmer, who had just buried a rich relation, an
attorney, was complaining of the great expense of a funeral cavalcade...
|
The Doubt Explained
A MAN with a very short nose was continually ridiculing another, whose
nose was remarkably long. The latter said to him one day, You a...
|
A Yokshire Bull
A YORKSHIRE clergyman, preaching for the Blind Asylum, began by gravely
remarking: If all the world were blind, what a melancholy sigh...
|
A One-sided Joke
A LADY requested her husband's permission to wear rouge. I can give
you permission, my dear, he replied, only for one cheek.
...
|
Two Cures For Ague
BISHOP BLOMFIELD, when presiding over the diocese of London, had
occasion to call the attention of the Essex incumbents to the necessi...
|
A Question Of Descent
A YORKSHIRE nobleman, who was fond of boasting of his Norman descent,
said to one of his tenants, whom he thought was not addressing h...
|
Pleasant For A Father
A LAIRD'S eldest son was rather a simpleton. Laird says, I am going to
send the young laird abroad.--What for? asks the tenant. Laird
...
|
A Rule Of Practice
IT was said of a Bath physician, that he could not prescribe even for
himself without a fee, and therefore, when unwell, he took a gui...
|
Wits Agreeing
WHEN Foote was one day lamenting his growing old, a pert young fellow
asked him what he would give to be as young as he. I would be
c...
|
Literary Pastime
ONCE a gentleman, who had the marvellous gift of shaping a great many
things out of orange-peel, was displaying his abilities at a
di...
|
A Free Translation
MANNERS, who had himself but lately been made Earl of Rutland, told Sir
Thomas More he was too much elated with his preferment; that h...
|
An Equivocal Preference
A GENTLEMAN was describing to Douglas Jerrold the story of his courtship
and marriage,--how his wife had been brought up in a convent,...
|
Reciprocal Action
A VERY fat man, for the purpose of quizzing his doctor, asked him to
prescribe for a complaint, which he declared was sleeping with hi...
|
Acres And Wiseacres
A WEALTHY but weak-headed barrister once remarked to Curran that No one
should be admitted to the Bar who had not an independent lande...
|
An Unequal Arrangement
TWO young Irishmen, wishing to live cheaply, and to divide their
expenses, agreed the one to board, and the other to lodge.
...
|
A Reason For Being Too Late
CANNING and another gentleman were looking at a picture of the Deluge:
the ark was in the middle distance; in the fore-sea an elephant...
|
Cool As A Cucumber
SOME one was mentioning in Lamb's presence the cold-heartedness of the
Duke of Cumberland, in restraining the duchess from rushing up ...
|
An Ample Apology
A CLERGYMAN at Cambridge preached a sermon which one of his auditors
commended. Yes, said the gentleman to whom it was mentioned, it w...
|
Funeral Invitation
SIR BOYLE ROACH had a servant who was as great an original as his
master. Two days after the death of the baronet, this man waited upo...
|
A Superfluous Scraper
FOOTE, being annoyed by a poor fiddler straining harsh discord under
his window, sent him out a shilling, with a request that he would...
|
Comparative Virtue
A SHOPKEEPER at Doncaster had for his virtues obtained the name of the
little rascal. A stranger asked him why this appellation had be...
|
Garth And Rowe
DOCTOR GARTH, who used frequently to go to the Wit's Coffee House, the
Cocoa-Tree, in St. James's Street, was sitting there one mornin...
|
A Secret Discovered
'T IS clear why Twister, wretched rat,
Always abuses in his chatter:
He's truly such a thorough flat,
We can't e...
|
Interested Inquiry
AN attorney-general politely inquired after the health of a
distinguished judge. Mr. Attorney, was the reply, I am in horrible
good h...
|
A Bearable Pun
AN illiterate vendor of beer wrote over his door at Harrogate, Bear
sold here.--He spells the word quite correctly, said Theodore Hook...
|
City Glutton
THE celebrated John Wilkes attended a City dinner not long after his
promotion to city honors. Among the guests was a noisy vulgar dep...
|
A Pretty Reply
LORD MELBOURNE, inspecting the kitchen of the Reform Club, jocosely
remarked to Alexis Soyer, chef de cuisine, that his female assista...
|
A Convenient Theory
AT charity meetings, one Mould always volunteered to go round with the
hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket. Overhearing o...
|
But One Good Translation
DRYDEN'S translation of Virgil being commended by a right reverend
bishop, Lord Chesterfield said, The original is indeed excellent; b...
|
Philip Earl Of Stanhope
PHILIP, Earl of Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the
simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the H...
|
Rigid Impartiality
SYDNEY SMITH, calling one day upon a fellow contributor to the
Edinburgh Review, found him reading a book preparatory to writing an
a...
|
Whitbread's Entire
ON the approach of the election at Westminster, when Earl Percy was
returned, Mr. Denis O'Brien, the agent of Mr. Sheridan, said, that...
|
A Fool And His Money
A YOUNG spendthrift being apprised that he had given a shilling when
sixpence would have been enough, remarked that He knew no differe...
|
A Grim Joke
DANIEL DEFOE said there was only this difference between the fates of
Charles the First and his son James the Second,--that the former...
|
Insurance Assurance
THE collector in a country church, where a brief was read for a sufferer
from fire, flattered himself that he had been unusually succe...
|
Genuine Laziness
A YOUNG farmer, inspecting his father's concerns in the time of
hay-harvest, found a body of the mowers asleep, when they should have
...
|
Cutting
A COUNTRY editor thinks that Richelieu, who declared that The pen was
mightier than the sword, ought to have spoken a good word for th...
|
Gone Out
A PERSON calling one day on a gentleman at the west end of the town,
where his visits were more frequent than welcome, was told by the...
|
A Good Judge
HONESTY is the best policy, said a Scotchman. I know it, my friend,
for I have tried baith.
...
|
Mr Charles Yorke
WHEN Mr. Charles Yorke was returned a member for the University of
Cambridge, about the year 1770, he went round the Senate to thank t...
|
The Salic Law
IS a most sensible and valuable law, banishing gallantry and chivalry
from Cabinets, and preventing the amiable antics of grave states...
|
Charles James Fox
AFTER Byron's engagement in the West Indies, there was a great clamor
about the badness of the ammunition. Soon after this, Mr. Fox ha...
|
Preferment
AMONG the daly inquirers after the health of an aged Bishop of D----m,
during his indisposition, no one was more sedulously punctual t...
|
Complimentary
A GENTLEMAN dining at an hotel, was annoyed by a stupid waiter
continually coming hovering round the table, and desired him to retire....
|
Dr Donne
DR. DONNE, the Dean of St. Paul's, having married a lady of a rich and
noble family without the consent of the parents, was treated wi...
|
Vulgarity
SIR WALTER SCOTT once happening to hear his daughter Anne say of
something, that it was vulgar, gave the young lady the following
tem...
|
An Expensive Job
A GENTLEMAN passing a country church while under repair, observed to
one of the workmen, that he thought it would be an expensive job....
|
Prosiness
A PROSY old gentleman meeting Jerrold, related a long, limp account of a
stupid practical joke, concluding with the information that h...
|
A Pleasant Message
MR. BARTLEMAN, a celebrated bass-singer, was taken ill, just before the
commencement of the musical festival at Gloucester: another ba...
|
Existence Of Matter
AS Berkeley, the celebrated author of the Immaterial Theory, was one
morning musing in the cloisters of Dublin College, an acquaintanc...
|
A Saucy Answer
A BARRISTER attempting to browbeat a female witness, told her she had
brass enough to make a saucepan. The woman retorted, and you hav...
|
Quaint Epitaph
DR. FULLER having requested one of his companions to make an epitaph for
him, received the following:
Here lies Fuller's earth!...
|
An Inhospitable Irishman
SIR BOYLE ROACH, the droll of the Irish bar, sent an amusingly equivocal
invitation to an Irish nobleman of his acquaintance: I hope, ...
|
Good Enough For A Pig
AN IRISH peasant being asked why he permitted his pig to take up its
quarters with his family, made an answer abounding with satirical...
|
Farcical
IN Bannister's time, a farce was performed under the title of Fire and
Water.--I predict its fate, said he. What fate? whispered the
...
|
Too Much At Once
LORD CHESTERFIELD one day, at an inn where he dined, complained very
much that the plates and dishes were very dirty. The waiter, with...
|
Epigram
(On Bishop ----'s Religion.)
THOUGH not a Catholic, his lordship has,
'Tis plain, strong disposition to a-mass (a mass).
...
|
Possible Censors
DR. CADOGAN was boasting of the eminence of his profession, and spoke
loudly against the injustice of the world, which was so satirica...
|
A Connubial Compliment
A LADY, walking with her husband at the seaside, inquired of him the
difference between exportation and transportation. Why, my dear,
...
|
Double Sight
A MAN with one eye laid a wager with another man, that he (the one-eyed
person) saw more than the other. The wager was accepted. You h...
|
Witty At His Own Expense
SHERIDAN was once asked by a gentleman: How is it that your name has
not an O prefixed to it? Your family is Irish, and no doubt
illu...
|
A Conversational Epigram
SAID Bluster to Whimple, You juvenile fool,
Get out of my way, do you hear?
Said Whimple, A fool did you say? by that r...
|
A Previous Engagement
THE late Lord Dudley and Ward was one of the most absent of men. Meeting
Sydney Smith one day in the street, he invited him to meet hi...
|
A Royal Jest
A CAPTAIN, remarkable for his uncommon height, being one day at the
rooms at Bath, the late Princess Amelia was struck with his appear...
|
Extremely Sulphurous
LORD CHESTERFIELD, being told that a certain termagant and scold was
married to a gamester, replied, that cards and brimstone made the...
|
A Joke From The North
THE reigning bore at one time in Edinburgh was Professor L----; his
favorite subject the North Pole. One day the arch tormentor met
J...
|
Multiplying One
SYDNEY SMITH once said: I remember entering a room with glass all round
it at the French embassy, and saw myself reflected on every si...
|
An Affirmative Epigram
WHEN Julia was asked, if to church she would go,
The fair one replied to me, No, Richard, no.
At her meaning I ventured a...
|
The Ruling Passion
A LADY'S beauty is dear to her at all times. A very lovely woman, worn
out with a long and painful sickness, begged her attendants to ...
|
Indifference To Death
A PRISONER, who had received notice that he was to die the next morning,
was asked by some of his unfortunate companions to share thei...
|
Self-interest
THOSE who wish to tax anything containing intelligence, must be
actuated by selfish views, seeing that it is an imposition of which th...
|
All The Difference
A GLASGOW professor met a poor student passing along one of the courts,
and remarked to him that his gown was very short. It will be l...
|
Foote's Last Joke
WHEN Foote was on his way to France, for change of air, he went into the
kitchen at the inn at Dover, to order a particular dish for d...
|
_l'envoy_
THERE is so much genuine humor in the following jocular DINNER CODE,
that we cannot do better than close our little volume with it.
...
|
Joke Topics
|
Ability
"Pa," said little Joe, "I bet I can do something you can't."
"Well, what is it?" demanded his pa.
"Grow," replied the youngster...
|
Abolition
He was a New Yorker visiting in a South Carolina village and he
sauntered up to a native sitting in front of the general store, and
...
|
Absentmindedness
SHE--"I consider, John, that sheep are the stupidest creatures living."
HE--(_absent-mindedly_)--"Yes, my lamb."
...
|
Accidents
The late Dr. Henry Thayer, founder of Thayer's Laboratory in Cambridge,
was walking along a street one winter morning. The sidewalk ...
|
Acting
Hopkinson Smith tells a characteristic story of a southern friend of
his, an actor, who, by the way, was in the dramatization of _Co...
|
Actors And Actresses
An "Uncle Tom's Cabin" company was starting to parade in a small New
England town when a big gander, from a farmyard near at hand wa...
|
Adaptation
"I know a nature-faker," said Mr. Bache, the author, "who claims that a
hen of his last month hatched, from a setting of seventeen e...
|
Addresses
In a large store a child, pointing to a shopper exclaimed, "Oh, mother,
that lady lives the same place we do. I just heard her say, ...
|
Advertising
Not long ago a patron of a café in Chicago summoned his waiter and
delivered himself as follows:
"I want to know the meaning of t...
|
Advice
Her exalted rank did not give Queen Victoria immunity from the trials of
a grandmother. One of her grandsons, whose recklessness in ...
|
Aeronautics
A flea and a fly in a flue,
Were imprisoned; now what could they do?
Said the fly, "let us flee."
"Let us fly," said t...
|
Aeroplanes
"Mother, may I go aeroplane?"
"Yes, my darling Mary.
Tie yourself to an anchor chain
And don't go near the airy."
...
|
After Dinner Speeches
A Frenchman once remarked:
"The table is the only place where one is not bored for the first hour."
Every rose has its thor...
|
Age
The good die young. Here's hoping that you may live to a ripe old age.
"How old are you, Tommy?" asked a caller.
"Well, when ...
|
Agents
"John, whatever induced you to buy a house in this forsaken region?"
"One of the best men in the business."--_Life_.
...
|
Agriculture
A farmer, according to this definition, is a man who makes his money on
the farm and spends it in town. An agriculturist is a man wh...
|
Alarm Clocks
MIKE (in bed, to alarm-clock as it goes off)--"I fooled yez that time. I
was not aslape at all."
...
|
Alertness
"Alert?" repeated a congressman, when questioned concerning one of his
political opponents. "Why, he's alert as a Providence bridegr...
|
Alibi
A party of Manila army women were returning in an auto from a suburban
excursion when the driver unfortunately collided with another...
|
Alimony
"What is alimony, ma?"
"It is a man's cash surrender value."--_Town Topics_
The proof of the wedding is in the alimony.
...
|
Allowances
"Why don't you give your wife an allowance?"
"I did once, and she spent it before I could borrow it back."
...
|
Alternatives
_See_ Choices.
...
|
Altruism
WILLIE--"Pa!"
PA--"Yes."
WILLIE--"Teacher says we're here to help others."
PA--"Of course we are."
WILLIE--"Well, what ar...
|
Ambition
Oliver Herford sat next to a soulful poetess at dinner one night, and
that dreamy one turned her sad eyes upon him. "Have you no oth...
|
American Girl
Here's to the dearest
Of all things on earth.
(Dearest precisely--
And yet of full worth.)
One who lays siege to
...
|
Americans
Eugene Field was at a dinner in London when the conversation turned to
the subject of lynching in the United States.
It was the g...
|
Amusements
A newspaper thus defined amusements:
The Friends' picnic this year was not as well attended as it has been
for some years. This c...
|
Anatomy
TOMMY--"My gran'pa wuz in th' civil war, an' he lost a leg or a arm in
every battle he fit in!"
JOHNNY--"Gee! How many battles wa...
|
Ancestry
A western buyer is inordinately proud of the fact that one of his
ancestors affixed his name to the Declaration of Independence. At ...
|
Anger
Charlie and Nancy had quarreled. After their supper Mother tried to
re-establish friendly relations. She told them of the Bible vers...
|
Anniversaries
MRS. JONES--"Does your husband remember your wedding anniversary?"
MRS. SMITH--"No; so I remind him of it in January and June, and...
|
Antidotes
"Suppose," asked the professor in chemistry, "that you were summoned to
the side of a patient who had accidentally swallowed a heavy...
|
Appearances
"How fat and well your little boy looks."
"Ah, you should never judge from appearances. He's got a gumboil on one
side of his fac...
|
Applause
A certain theatrical troupe, after a dreary and unsuccessful tour,
finally arrived in a small New Jersey town. That night, though th...
|
Arbitration International
A war was going on, and one day, the papers being full of the grim
details of a bloody battle, a woman said to her husband:
"This...
|
Arithmetic
"He seems to be very clever."
"Yes, indeed, he can even do the problems that his children have to work
out at school."
SONNY...
|
Armies
A new volunteer at a national guard encampment who had not quite learned
his business, was on sentry duty, one night, when a friend ...
|
Army Rations
The colonel of a volunteer regiment camping in Virginia came across a
private on the outskirts of the camp, painfully munching on so...
|
Art
There was an old sculptor named Phidias,
Whose knowledge of Art was invidious.
He carved Aphrodite
Without any nightie...
|
Artists
ARTIST--"I'd like to devote my last picture to a charitable purpose."
CRITIC--"Why not give it to an institution for the blind?"
...
|
Athletes
The caller's eye had caught the photograph of Tommie Billups, standing
on the desk of Mr. Billups.
"That your boy, Billups?" he a...
|
Attention
The supervisor of a school was trying to prove that children are lacking
in observation.
To the children he said, "Now, children,...
|
Authors
The following is a recipe for an author:
Take the usual number of fingers,
Add paper, manila or white,
A typewriter, plent...
|
Automobiles
TEACHER--"If a man saves $2 a week, how long will it take him to save a
thousand?"
BOY--"He never would, ma'am. After he got $900...
|
Automobiling
"Sorry, gentlemen," said the new constable, "but I'll hev to run ye in.
We been keepin' tabs on ye sence ye left Huckleberry Corners...
|
Aviation
The aviator's wife was taking her first trip with her husband in his
airship. "Wait a minute, George," she said. "I'm afraid we will...
|
Aviators
Little drops in water--
Little drops on land--
Make the aviator,
Join the heavenly band.
--_Satire_.
"Are you an...
|
Babies
_See_ Children.
...
|
Baccalaureate Sermons
PROUD FATHER--"Rick, my boy, if you live up to your oration you'll be an
honor to the family."
VALEDICTORIAN-"I expect to do bett...
|
Bacteria
There once were some learned M.D.'s,
Who captured some germs of disease,
And infected a train
Which, without causing p...
|
Badges
Mrs. Philpots came panting downstairs on her way to the temperance
society meeting. She was a short, plump woman. "Addie, run up to ...
|
Interstate Poultry Show
First Prize Bantam
...
|
Baggage
An Aberdonian went to spend a few days in London with his son, who had
done exceptionally well in the great metropolis. After their ...
|
Baldness
One mother who still considers Marcel waves as the most fashionable way
of dressing the hair was at work on the job.
Her little e...
|
Banks And Banking
During a financial panic, a German farmer went to a bank for some money.
He was told that the bank was not paying out money, but was...
|
Baptism
A revival was being held at a small colored Baptist church in southern
Georgia. At one of the meetings the evangelist, after an earn...
|
Baptists
An old colored man first joined the Episcopal Church, then the Methodist
and next the Baptist, where he remained. Questioned as to t...
|
Bargains
MANAGER (five-and-ten-cent store)--"What did the lady who just went out
want?"
SHOPGIRL--"She inquired if we had a shoe departmen...
|
Baseball
A run in time saves the nine.
Knowin' all 'bout baseball is jist 'bout as profitable as bein' a good
whittler.--_Abe Martin_.
...
|
Baths And Bathing
The only unoccupied room in the hotel--one with a private bath in
connection with it--was given to the stranger from Kansas. The nex...
|
Bazars
Once upon a time a deacon who did not favor church bazars was going
along a dark street when a footpad suddenly appeared, and, point...
|
Beards
There was an old man with a beard,
Who said, "It is just as I feared!--
Two owls and a hen,
Four larks and a wren,
...
|
Beauty
If eyes were made for seeing,
Then beauty is its own excuse for being.
--Emerson.
A thing of beauty is a joy forever...
|
Beauty, Personal
In good looks I am not a star.
There are others more lovely by far.
But my face--I don't mind it,
Because I'm behind i...
|
Beds
A western politician tells the following story as illustrating the
inconveniences attached to campaigning in certain sections of the...
|
Beer
A man to whom illness was chronic,
When told that he needed a tonic,
Said, "O Doctor dear,
Won't you please make it be...
|
Bees
TEACHER--"Tommy, do you know 'How Doth the Little Busy Bee'?"
TOMMY--"No; I only know he doth it!"
...
|
Beetles
Now doth the frisky June Bug
Bring forth his aeroplane,
And try to make a record,
And busticate his brain!
He bin...
|
Begging
THE "ANGEL" (about to give a beggar a dime)--"Poor man! And are you
married?"
BEGGAR--"Pardon me, madam! D'ye think I'd be relyin...
|
Betting
The officers' mess was discussing rifle shooting.
"I'll bet anyone here," said one young lieutenant, "that I can fire
twenty shot...
|
Bible Interpretation
"Miss Jane, did Moses have the same after-dinner complaint my papa's
got?" asked Percy of his governess.
"Gracious me, Percy! Wha...
|
Bigamy
There once was an old man of Lyme.
Who married three wives at a time:
When asked, "Why a third?"
He replied, "One's ab...
|
Bills
The proverb, "Where there's a will there's a way" is now revised to
"When there's a bill we're away."
YOUNG DOCTOR--"Why do you...
|
Birthdays
When a man has a birthday he takes a day off, but when a woman has a
birthday she takes a year off.
...
|
Bluffing
Francis Wilson, the comedian, says that many years ago when he was a
member of a company playing "She Stoops to Conquer," a man with...
|
Blunders
An early morning customer in an optician's shop was a young woman with a
determined air. She addressed the first salesman she saw. "...
|
Boasting
Maybe the man who boasts that he doesn't owe a dollar in
the world couldn't if he tried.
"What sort of chap is he?"
"Well, aft...
|
Bonanzas
A certain Congressman had disastrous experience in goldmine
speculations. One day a number of colleagues were discussing
the subjec...
|
Bookkeeping
Tommy, fourteen years old, arrived home for the holidays,
and at his father's request produced his account book, duly kept
at schoo...
|
Books And Reading
LADY PRESIDENT--"What book has helped you most?"
NEW MEMBER--"My husband's check-book."--_Martha Young_.
"You may send me up ...
|
Booksellers And Bookselling
A bookseller reports these mistakes of customers in sending orders:
...
|
Bookworms
"A book-worm," said papa, "is a person who would rather read than eat,
or it is a worm that would rather eat than read."
...
|
Boomerangs
_See_ Repartee; Retaliation.
...
|
Bores
"What kind of a looking man is that chap Gabbleton you just mentioned? I
don't believe I have met him."
"Well, if you see two men...
|
Borrowers
A well-known but broken-down Detroit newspaper man, who had been a power
in his day, approached an old friend the other day in the P...
|
Bosses
The insurance agent climbed the steps and rang the bell.
"Whom do you wish to see?" asked the careworn person who came to the
doo...
|
Boston
A tourist from the east, visiting an old prospector in his lonely cabin
in the hills, commented: "And yet you seem so cheerful and h...
|
Boxing
John L. Sullivan was asked why he had never taken to giving boxing
lessons.
"Well, son, I tried it once," replied Mr. Sullivan. "...
|
Boys
A certain island in the West Indies is liable to the periodical advent
of earthquakes. One year before the season of these terrestri...
|
Breakfast Foods
Pharaoh had just dreamed of the seven full and the seven blasted ears of
corn.
"You are going to invent a new kind of breakfast f...
|
Breath
One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She
asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the bod...
|
Brevity
An after-dinner speaker was called on to speak on "The Antiquity of the
Microbe." He arose and said, "Adam had 'em," and then sat do...
|
Bribery
A judge, disgusted with a jury that seemed unable to reach an agreement
in a perfectly evident case, rose and said, "I discharge thi...
|
Brides
"My dear," said the young husband as he took the bottle of milk from the
dumb-waiter and held it up to the light, "have you noticed ...
|
Bridge Whist
"How about the sermon?"
"The minister preached on the sinfulness of cheating at bridge."
"You don't say! Did he mention any nam...
|
Brooklyn
At the Brooklyn Bridge.--"Madam, do you want to go to Brooklyn?"
"No, I have to."--_Life_.
...
|
Bryan, William Jennings
Some time after the presidential election of 1908, one of Champ Clark's
friends noticed that he still wore one of the Bryan watch fo...
|
Buildings
Pat had gone back home to Ireland and was telling about New York.
"Have they such tall buildings in America as they say, Pat?" ask...
|
Burglars
A burglar was one night engaged in the pleasing occupation of stowing a
good haul of swag in his bag when he was startled by a touch...
|
Business
A Boston lawyer, who brought his wit from his native Dublin, while
cross-examining the plaintiff in a divorce trial, brought forth t...
|
Business Enterprise
It happened in Topeka. Three clothing stores were on the same block. One
morning the middle proprietor saw to the right of him a big...
|
Business Ethics
"Johnny," said his teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay
your dealer $24 how many tons will he bring you?"
"A litt...
|
Business Women
Wanted--A housekeeping man by a business woman. Object matrimony.
...
|
Campaigns
_See_ Candidates; Public speakers.
...
|
Camping
Camp life is just one canned thing after another.
...
|
Candidates
"When I first decided to allow the people of Tupelo to use my name as a
candidate for Congress, I went out to a neighboring parish t...
|
Canning And Preserving
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny,
"A canner can can
Anything that he can;
But a cann...
|
Capitalists
Of the late Bishop Charles G. Grafton a Fond du Lac man said: "Bishop
Grafton was remarkable for the neatness and point of his pulpi...
|
Carefulness
Michael Dugan, a journeyman plumber, was sent by his employer to the
Hightower mansion to repair a gas-leak in the drawing-room. Whe...
|
Carpenters
While building a house, Senator Platt of Connecticut had occasion to
employ a carpenter. One of the applicants was a plain Connectic...
|
Carving
To Our National Birds--the Eagle and the Turkey--(while the host is
carving):
May one give us peace in all our States,
And t...
|
Caste
In some parts of the South the darkies are still addicted to the old
style country dance in a big hall, with the fiddlers, banjoists...
|
Cats
There was a young lady whose dream
Was to feed a black cat on whipt cream,
But the cat with a bound
Spilt the milk on ...
|
Cause And Effect
Archbishop Whately was one day asked if he rose early. He replied that
once he did, but he was so proud all the morning and so sleep...
|
Caution
Marshall Field, 3rd, according to a story that was going the rounds
several years ago, bids fair to become a very cautious business ...
|
Champagne
MR. HILTON--"Have you opened that bottle of champagne, Bridget?"
BRIDGET--"Faith, I started to open it, an' it began to open itsel...
|
Character
The Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon was fond of a joke and his keen wit was,
moreover, based on sterling common sense. One day he remarked ...
|
Charity
"Charity," said Rev. B., "is a sentiment common to human nature. A never
sees B in distress without wishing C to relieve him."
...
|
Chicago
A western bookseller wrote to a house in Chicago asking that a dozen
copies of Canon Farrar's "Seekers after God" be shipped to him ...
|
Chicken Stealing
Senator Money of Mississippi asked an old colored man what breed of
chickens he considered best, and he replied:
"All kinds has m...
|
Child Labor
"What's up old man; you look as happy as a lark!"
"Happy? Why shouldn't I look happy? No more hard, weary work by yours
truly. I'...
|
Children
Two weary parents once advertised:
"WANTED, AT ONCE--Two fluent and well-learned persons, male or female,
to answer the questions...
|
Choices
William Phillips, our secretary of embassy at London, tells of an
American officer who, by the kind permission of the British Govern...
|
Choirs
_See_ Singers.
...
|
Christian Scientists
While waiting for the speaker at a public meeting a pale little man in
the audience seemed very nervous. He glanced over his shoulde...
|
Christians
At a dinner, when the gentlemen retired to the smoking room and one of
the guests, a Japanese, remained with the ladies, one asked h...
|
Christmas Gifts
"As you don't seem to know what you'd like for Christmas, Freddie," said
his mother, "here's a printed list of presents for a good l...
|
_r.l.f_.
Little six-year-old Harry was asked by his Sunday-school teacher:
"And, Harry, what are you going to give your darling little brot...
|
Chronology
TOURIST--"They have just dug up the corner-stone of an ancient library
in Greece, on which is inscribed '4000 B.C.'"
ENGLISHMAN--...
|
Church Attendance
"Tremendous crowd up at our church last night."
"New minister?"
"No it was burned down."
"I understand," said a young woma...
|
Church Discipline
Pius the Ninth was not without a certain sense of humor. One day, while
sitting for his portrait to Healy, the painter, speaking of ...
|
Circus
A well-known theatrical manager repeats an instance of what the late W.
C. Coup, of circus fame, once told him was one of the most a...
|
Civilization
An officer of the Indian Office at Washington tells of the patronizing
airs frequently assumed by visitors to the government schools...
|
Cleanliness
"Among the tenements that lay within my jurisdiction when I first took
up mission work on the East Side." says a New York young woma...
|
Clergy
"Now, children," said the visiting minister who had been asked to
question the Sunday-school, "with what did Samson arm himself to f...
|
Climate
In a certain town the local forecaster of the weather was so often wrong
that his predictions became a standing joke, to his no smal...
|
Clothing
One morning as Mark Twain returned from a neighborhood morning call,
sans necktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation...
|
Clubs
Belle and Ben had just announced their engagement.
"When we are married," said Belle, "I shall expect you to shave every
morning....
|
Coal Dealers
In a Kansas town where two brothers are engaged in the retail coal
business a revival was recently held and the elder of the brother...
|
Coeducation
The speaker was waxing eloquent, and after his peroration on woman's
rights he said: "When they take our girls, as they threaten, aw...
|
Coffee
Among the coffee-drinkers a high place must be given to Bismarck. He
liked coffee unadulterated. While with the Prussian Army in Fra...
|
Coins
He had just returned from Paris and said to his old aunt in the country:
"Here, Aunt, is a silver franc piece I brought you from Par...
|
Collecting Of Accounts
An enterprising firm advertised: "All persons indebted to our store are
requested to call and settle. All those indebted to our stor...
|
Collectors And Collecting
Sir Walter Raleigh had called to take a cup of tea with Queen Elizabeth.
"It was very good of you, Sir Walter," said her Majesty, ...
|
College Graduates
"Can't I take your order for one of our encyclopedias!" asked the dapper
agent.
"No I guess not," said the busy man. "I might be ...
|
College Students
"Say, dad, remember that story you told me about when you were expelled
from college?"
"Yes."
"Well, I was just thinking, dad,...
|
Colleges And Universities
The college is a coy maid--
She has a habit quaint
Of making eyes at millionaires
And winking at the taint.
--_Ju...
|
Common Sense
A mysterious building had been erected on the outskirts of a small town.
It was shrouded in mystery. All that was known about it was...
|
Commuters
BRIGGS--"Is it true that you have broken off your engagement to that
girl who lives in the suburbs?"
GRIGGS--"Yes; they raised th...
|
Comparisons
A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last
season's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white picture-...
|
Compensation
"Speakin' of de law of compensation," said Uncle Eben, "an automobile
goes faster dan a mule, but at de same time it hits harder and...
|
Competition
A new baby arrived at a house. A little girl--now fifteen--had been the
pet of the family. Every one made much of her, but when ther...
|
Compliments
Supper was in progress, and the father was telling about a row which
took place in front of his store that morning: "The first thing...
|
Composers
Recipe for the musical comedy composer:
Librettos of all of the operas,
Some shears and a bottle of paste,
Curry the hit...
|
Compromises
Boss--"There's $10 gone from my cash drawer, Johnny; you and I were the
only people who had keys to that drawer."
Office Boy--"We...
|
Confessions
"You say Garston made a complete confession? What did he get--five
years?"
"No, fifty dollars. He confessed to the magazines."--_...
|
Congress
Congress is a national inquisitorial body for the purpose of acquiring
valuable information and then doing nothing about it.--_Life_...
|
Congressmen
It was at a banquet in Washington given to a large body of congressmen,
mostly from the rural districts. The tables were elegant, and ...
|
Conscience
The moral of this story may be that it is better to heed the warnings of
the "still small voice" before it is driven to the use of t...
|
Consequences
A teacher asked her class in spelling to state the difference between
the words "results" and "consequences."
A bright girl repli...
|
Consideration
The goose had been carved at the Christmas dinner and everybody had
tasted it. It was excellent. The negro minister, who was the gue...
|
Constancy
A soldier belonging to a brigade in command of a General who believed in
a celibate army asked permission to marry, as he had two go...
|
Contribution Box
The parson looks it o'er and frets.
It puts him out of sorts
To see how many times he gets
A penny for his thoughts.
...
|
Conundrums
"Mose, what is the difference between a bucket of milk in a rain storm
and a conversation between two confidence men?"
"Say, boss...
|
Conversation
"My dog understands every word I say."
"Um."
"Do you doubt it?"
"No, I do not doubt the brute's intelligence. The scant atte...
|
Cookery
"John, John," whispered an alarmed wife, poking her sleeping husband in
the ribs. "Wake up, John; there are burglars in the pantry a...
|
Cooks
_See_ Servants.
...
|
Cornets
Spurgeon was once asked if the man who learned to play a cornet on
Sunday would go to heaven.
The great preacher's reply was char...
|
Corns
Great aches from little toe-corns grow.
...
|
Corpulence
The wife of a prominent Judge was making arrangements with the colored
laundress of the village to take charge of their washing for ...
|
Cosmopolitanism
Secretary of State Lazansky refused to incorporate the Hell Cafe of New
York.
"New York's cafes are singular enough," said Mr. La...
|
Cost Of Living
"Did you punish our son for throwing a lump of coal at Willie Smiggs?"
asked the careful mother.
"I did," replied the busy father...
|
Country Life
BILTER (at servants' agency)--"Have you got a cook who will go to the
country?"
MANAGER (calling out to girls in next room)--"Is ...
|
Courage
AUNT ETHEL--"Well, Beatrice, were you very brave at the dentist's?"
BEATRICE--"Yes, auntie, I was."
AUNT ETHEL--"Then, there's ...
|
Courtesy
The mayor of a French town had, in accordance with the regulations, to
make out a passport for a rich and highly respectable lady of...
|
Courts
One day when old Thaddeus Stevens was practicing in the courts he didn't
like the ruling of the presiding Judge. A second time when ...
|
Courtship
"Do you think a woman believes you when you tell her she is the first
girl you ever loved?"
"Yes, if you're the first liar she ha...
|
Cowards
Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her house
the night before.
"Yes," she said, "I heard a noise and g...
|
Cows
Little Willie, being a city boy, had never seen a cow. While on a visit
to his grandmother he walked out across the fields with his ...
|
Criticism
FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"I wasted a whole evening by going to that new
pianist's concert last night!"
SECOND MUSIC CRITIC--"Why?"
...
|
Cruelty
"Why do you beat your little son? It was the cat that upset the vase of
flowers."
"I can't beat the cat. I belong to the S.P.C.A....
|
Cucumbers
Consider the ways of the little green cucumber, which never does its
best fighting till it's down.--Stanford Chaparral.
...
|
Culture
_See_ Kultur.
...
|
Curfew
A former resident of Marshall, Mo., was asking about the old town.
"I understand they have a curfew law out there now," he said.
...
|
Curiosity
The Christmas church services were proceeding very successfully when a
woman in the gallery got so interested that she leaned out to...
|
Cyclones
_See_ Windfalls.
...
|
Dachshunds
A little boy was entertaining the minister the other day until his
mother could complete her toilet. The minister, to make congenial...
|
Damages
A Chicago lawyer tells of a visit he received from a Mrs. Delehanty,
accompanied by Mr. Delehanty, the day after Mrs. Delehanty and ...
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Dancing
He was a remarkably stout gentleman, excessively fond of dancing, so his
friends asked him why he had stopped, and was it final?
...
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Dead Beats
See _Bills_; Collecting of accounts.
...
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Debts
A train traveling through the West was held up by masked bandits. Two
friends, who were on their way to California, were among the p...
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Deer
"The deer's a mighty useful beast
From Petersburg to Tennyson
For while he lives he lopes around
And when he's dea...
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Degrees
A young theologian named Fiddle
Refused to accept his degree;
"For," said he, "'tis enough to be Fiddle,
Without b...
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Democracy
"Why are you so vexed, Irma?"
"I am so exasperated! I attended the meeting of the Social Equality
League, and my parlor-maid pres...
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Democratic Party
HOSPITAL PHYSICIAN--"Which ward do you wish to be taken to? A pay ward
or a--"
MALONEY--"Iny of thim, Doc, thot's safely Dimocrat...
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Dentistry
Our young hopeful came running into the house. His suit was dusty, and
there was a bump on his small brow. But a gleam was in his ey...
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Dentists
The dentist is one who pulls out the teeth of others to obtain
employment for his own.
One day little Flora was taken to have a...
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Description
A popular soprano is said to have a voice of fine timbre, a willowy
figure, cherry lips, chestnut hair, and hazel eyes. She must hav...
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Design, Decorative
Harold watched his mother as she folded up an intricate piece of lace
she had just crocheted.
"Where did you get the pattern, Mam...
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Destination
A Washington car conductor, born in London and still a cockney, has
succeeded in extracting thrills from the alphabet--imparting exc...
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Details
Charles Frohman was talking to a Philadelphia reporter about the
importance of detail.
"Those who work for me," he said, "follow ...
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Detectives
When Conan Doyle arrived for the first time in Boston he was instantly
recognized by the cabman whose vehicle he had engaged. When t...
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Determination
After the death of Andrew Jackson the following conversation is said to
have occurred between an Anti-Jackson broker and a Democrati...
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Diagnosis
An epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of Boston not long ago, and
was taken to a hospital. Upon removing his coat there was f...
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Diet
Eat, drink, and be merry, for to-morrow ye diet.--_William Gilmore
Beymer_.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who had ...
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Dilemmas
A story that has done service in political campaigns to illustrate
supposed dilemmas of the opposition will likely be revived in eve...
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Dining
A twelve course dinner might be described as a gastronomic
marathon.--_John E. Rosser_.
"That was the spirit of your uncle that...
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Diplomacy
WIFE--"Please match this piece of silk for me before you come home."
HUSBAND--"At the counter where the sweet little blond works? ...
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Discipline
_See_ Military discipline; Parents.
...
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Discounts
A train in Arizona was boarded by robbers, who went through the pockets
of the luckless passengers. One of them happened to be a tra...
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Discretion
When you can, use discretion; when you can't, use a club.
...
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Disposition
One eastern railroad has a regular form for reporting accidents to
animals on its right of way. Recently a track foreman had the kil...
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Distances
A regiment of regulars was making a long, dusty march across the rolling
prairie land of Montana last summer. It was a hot, blisteri...
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Divorce
"When a woman marries and then divorces her husband inside of a week
what would you call it?"
"Taking his name in vain."--_Prince...
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Dogs
LADY (to tramp who had been commissioned to find her lost poodle)--"The
poor little darling, where did you find him?"
TRAMP--"Oh,...
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_l.t.h_.
William J. Stevens, for several years local station agent at Swansea, R.
I., was peacefully promenading his platform one morning whe...
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Domestic Finance
"Talk about Napoleon! That fellow Wombat is something of a strategist
himself."
"As to how?"
"Got his salary raised six months...
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Domestic Relations
There was a young man of Dunbar,
Who playfully poisoned his Ma;
When he'd finished his work,
He remarked with a smirk,...
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Drama
The average modern play calls in the first act for all our faith, in the
second for all our hope, and in the last for all our charit...
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Dramatic Criticism
Theodore Dreiser, the novelist, was talking about criticism.
"I like pointed criticism," he said, "criticism such as I heard in th...
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Dramatists
"I hear Scribbler finally got one of his plays on the boards."
"Yes, the property man tore up his manuscript and used it in the sn...
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Dressmakers
WIFE--"Wretch! Show me that letter."
HUSBAND--"What letter?"
WIFE--"That one in your hand. It's from a woman, I can see by the
...
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Drinking
He who goes to bed, and goes to bed sober,
Falls as the leaves do, and dies in October;
But he who goes to bed, and does so m...
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Droughts
Governor Glasscock of West Virginia, while traveling through Arizona,
noticed the dry, dusty appearance of the country.
"Doesn't ...
|
Drunkards
Sing a song of sick gents,
Pockets full of rye,
Four and twenty highballs,
We wish that we might die.
Two booze-fiend...
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Dyspepsia
"Ah," she sighed "for many years I've suffered from dyspepsia."
"And don't you take anything for it?" her friend asked. "You look
...
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Echoes
An American and a Scotsman were walking one day near the foot of one of
the Scotch mountains. The Scotsman, wishing to impress the v...
|
Economy
An economist is usually a man who can save money by cutting down some
other person's expenses.
Economy is going without somethi...
|
Editors
Recipe for an editor:
Take a personal hatred of authors,
Mix this with a fiendish delight
In refusing all efforts of gen...
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Education
Along in the sixties Pat Casey pushed a wheelbarrow across the plains
from St. Joseph, Mo., to Georgetown, Colo., and shortly after ...
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Efficiency
An American motorist went to Germany in his car to the army maneuvers.
He was especially impressed with the German motor ambulances....
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Egotism
In the Chicago schools a boy refused to sew, thinking it below the
dignity of a man of ten years.
"Why," said the teacher, "Georg...
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Elections
In St. Louis there is one ward that is full of breweries and Germans. In
a recent election a local option question was up.
After ...
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Electricity
In school a boy was asked this question in physics: "What is the
difference between lightning and electricity?"
And he answered: ...
|
Embarrassing Situations
A young gentleman was spending the week-end at little Willie's cottage
at Atlantic City, and on Sunday evening after dinner, there b...
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Employers And Employees
"You want more money? Why, my boy, I worked three years for $11 a month
right in this establishment, and now I'm owner of it."
"W...
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Enemies
An old man who had led a sinful life was dying, and his wife sent for a
near-by preacher to pray with him.
The preacher spent som...
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England
_See_ Great Britain.
...
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English Language
A popular hotel in Rome has a sign in the elevator reading: "Please do
not touch the Lift at your own risk."
The class at Heide...
|
Englishmen
He who laughs last is an Englishman.--_Princeton Tiger_.
Nat Goodwill was at the club with an English friend and became the
cen...
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Enthusiasm
Theodore Watts, says Charles Rowley in his book "Fifty Years of Work
Without Wages," tells a good story against himself. A nature en...
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Epitaphs
LITTLE CLARENCE--"Pa!"
HIS FATHER--"Well, my son?"
LITTLE CLARENCE--"I took a walk through the cemetery to-day and read the
in...
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Epithets
John Fiske, the historian, was once interrupted by his wife, who
complained that their son had been very disrespectful to some neigh...
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Equality
As one of the White Star steamships came up New York harbor the other
day, a grimy coal barge floated immediately in front of her. "...
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Ermine
Said an envious, erudite ermine:
"There's one thing I cannot determine:
When a man wears my coat,
He's a person of not...
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Escapes
There was once a chap who went skating too early and all of a sudden
that afternoon loud cries for help began to echo among the blea...
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Ethics
My ethical state,
Were I wealthy and great,
Is a subject you wish I'd reply on.
Now who can foresee
Wha...
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Etiquet
A Boston girl the other day said to a southern friend who was visiting
her, as two men rose in a car to give them seats: "Oh, I wish...
|
European War
OFFICER (as Private Atkins worms his way toward the enemy)--"You fool!
Come back at once!"
TOMMY--"No bally fear, sir! There's a ...
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Evidence
From a crowd of rah-rah college boys celebrating a crew victory, a
policeman had managed to extract two prisoners.
"What is the c...
|
Examinations
An instructor in a church school where much attention was paid to sacred
history, dwelt particularly on the phrase "And Enoch was no...
|
Excuses
The children had been reminded that they must not appear at school the
following week without their application blanks properly fill...
|
Exposure
TRAMP--"Lady, I'm dying from exposure."
WOMAN--"Are you a tramp, politician or financier?"--_Judge_.
...
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Extortion
_See_ Dressmakers.
...
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Extravagance
There was a young girl named O'Neill,
Who went up in the great Ferris wheel;
But when half way around
She looked at the ...
|
Failures
Little Ikey came up to his father with a very solemn face. "Is it true,
father," he asked, "that marriage is a failure?"
His fath...
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Faith
Faith is that quality which leads a man to expect that his flowers and
garden will resemble the views shown on the seed packets.--_C...
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Faithfulness
A wizened little Irishman applied for a job loading a ship. At first
they said he was too small, but he finally persuaded them to gi...
|
Fame
Fame is the feeling that you are the constant subject of admiration on
the part of people who are not thinking of you.
Many a m...
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Families
"Yes, sir, our household represents the United Kingdom of Great
Britain," said the proud father of number one to the rector. "I am
...
|
Farewells
Happy are we met, Happy have we been,
Happy may we part, and Happy meet again.
A dear old citizen went to the cars the othe...
|
Fashion
There are two kinds of women: The fashionable ones and those who are
comfortable.--_Tom P. Morgan_.
There had been a dressmaker...
|
Fate
Fate hit me very hard one day.
I cried: "What is my fault?
What have I done? What causes, pray,
This unprovoked assault?"
...
|
Fathers
A director of one of the great transcontinental railroads was showing
his three-year-old daughter the pictures in a work on natural ...
|
Faults
Women's faults are many,
Men have only two--
Everything they say,
And everything they do.
--_Le Crabbe_.
...
|
Fees
_See_ Tips.
...
|
Feet
BIG MAN (with a grouch)--"Will you be so kind as to get off my feet?"
LITTLE MAN (with a bundle)--"I'll try, sir. Is it much of a ...
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Fighting
"Who gave ye th' black eye, Jim?"
"Nobody give it t' me; I had t' fight fer it."--_Life_.
"There! You have a black eye, and y...
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Finance
Willie had a savings bank;
'Twas made of painted tin.
He passed it 'round among the boys,
Who put their pennies in.
T...
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Fingerbowls
MISTRESS (to new servant)--"Why, Bridget, this is the third time I've
had to tell you about the finger-bowls. Didn't the lady you la...
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Fire Departments
Clang, clatter, bang! Down the street came the fire engines.
Driving along ahead, oblivious of any danger, was a farmer in a
rams...
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Fire Escapes
Fire escape: A steel stairway on the exterior of a building, erected
after a FIRE to ESCAPE the law.
...
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Fires
"Ikey, I hear you had a fire last Thursday."
"Sh! Next Thursday."
...
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First Aid In Illness And Injury
The father of the family hurried to the telephone and called up the
family physician. "Our little boy is sick, Doctor," he said, "so...
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Fish
A man went into a restaurant recently and said, "Give me a half dozen
fried oysters."
"Sorry, sah," answered the waiter, "but we'...
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Fishermen
At the birth of President Cleveland's second child no scales could be
found to weigh the baby. Finally the scales that the President...
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Fishing
A man was telling some friends about a proposed fishing trip to a lake
in Colorado which he had in contemplation.
"Are there any ...
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Flats
"Hello, Tom, old man, got your new flat fitted up yet?"
"Not quite," answered the friend. "Say, do you know where I can buy a
fol...
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Flattery
With a sigh she laid down the magazine article upon Daniel O'Connell.
"The day of great men," she said, "is gone forever."
"But t...
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Flies
_See_ Pure food.
...
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Flirtation
It sometimes takes a girl a long time to learn that a flirtation is
attention without intention.
"There's a belief that summer ...
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Flowers
Lulu was watching her mother working among the flowers. "Mama, I know
why flowers grow," she said; "they want to get out of the dirt...
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Food
A man went into a southern restaurant not long ago and asked for a piece
of old-fashioned Washington pie. The waiter, not understand...
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Football
His SISTER--"His nose seems broken."
His FIANCEE--"And he's lost his front teeth."
His MOTHER--"But he didn't drop the ball!"--...
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Fords
A boy stood with one foot on the sidewalk and the other on the step of a
Ford automobile. A playmate passed him, looked at his posit...
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Forecasting
A lady in a southern town was approached by her colored maid.
"Well, Jenny?" she asked, seeing that something was in the air.
"...
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Foresight
"They tell me you're working 'ard night an' day, Sarah?" her bosom
friend Ann said.
"Yes," returned Sarah. "I'm under bonds to ke...
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Forgetfulness
_See_ Memory.
...
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Fortune Hunters
HER FATHER--"So my daughter has consented to become your wife. Have you
fixed the day of the wedding?"
SUITOR--"I will leave that...
|
Fountain Pens
"Fust time you've ever milked a cow, is it?" said Uncle Josh to his
visiting nephew. "Wal, y' do it a durn sight better'n most city ...
|
Fourth Of July
"You are in favor of a safe and sane Fourth of July?"
"Yes," replied Mr. Growcher. "We ought to have that kind of a day at
least ...
|
Freaks
_See_ Husbands.
...
|
Free Thought
TOMMY--"Pop, what is a freethinker?"
POP--"A freethinker, my son, is any man who isn't married."
...
|
French Language
"I understand you speak French like a native."
"No," replied the student; "I've got the grammar and the accent down
pretty fine. ...
|
Freshmen
_See_ College Students.
...
|
Friends
The Lord gives our relatives,
Thank God we can choose our friends.
"Father."
"Well, what is it?"
"It says here, 'A ma...
|
Friends, Society Of
A visitor to Philadelphia, unfamiliar with the garb of the Society of
Friends, was much interested in two demure and placid Quakeres...
|
Friendship
Friendly may we part and quickly meet again.
There's fellowship
In every sip
Of friendship's brew.
May we all trave...
|
Fun
Fun is like life insurance, th' older you git th' more it costs.--_Abe
Martin_.
_See also_ Amusements.
...
|
Funerals
There was an old man in a hearse,
Who murmured, "This might have been worse;
Of course the expense
Is simply immense,
...
|
Furniture
GUEST--"That's a beautiful rug. May I ask how much it cost you?"
HOST--"Five hundred dollars. A hundred and fifty for it and the r...
|
Future Life
A certain young man's friends thought he was dead, but he was only in a
state of coma. When, in ample time to avoid being buried, he...
|
Gardening
Th' only time some fellers ever dig in th' gardens is just before they
go a fishin'.--_Abe Martin_.
"I am going to start a gard...
|
Gas Stoves
A Georgia woman who moved to Philadelphia found she could not be
contented without the colored mammy who had been her servant for ma...
|
Generosity
"This is a foine country, Bridget!" exclaimed Norah, who had but
recently arrived in the United States. "Sure, it's generous everybo...
|
Gentlemen
"Sadie, what is a gentleman?"
"Please, ma'am," she answered, "a gentleman's a man you don't know very
well."
Two characters ...
|
Germans
The poet Heine and Baron James Rothschild were close friends. At the
dinner table of the latter the financier asked the poet why he ...
|
Ghosts
"I confess, that the subject of psychical research makes no great appeal
to me," Sir William Henry Perkin, the inventor of coal-tar ...
|
Gifts
When Lawrence Barrett's daughter was married Stuart Robson sent a check
for $5000 to the bridegroom. The comedian's daughter, Felici...
|
Gluttony
A clergyman was quite ill as a result of eating many pieces of mince
pie.
A brother minister visited him and asked him if he was ...
|
Golf
Two Scotchmen met and exchanged the small talk appropriate to the hour.
As they were parting to go supperward Sandy said to Jock:
...
|
Good Fellowship
A glass is good, a lass is good,
And a pipe to smoke in cold weather,
The world is good and the people are good,
And w...
|
Gossip
A gossip is a person who syndicates his conversation.--_Dick Dickinson_.
Gossips are the spies of life.
"However did you re...
|
Government Ownership
"Don't you think the coal-mines ought to be controlled by the
government?"
"I might if I didn't know who controlled the
governme...
|
Governors
The governor of a western state was dining with the family of a
Representative in Congress from that state, and opposite him at tabl...
|
Graft
"What is meant by graft?" said the inquiring foreigner.
"Graft," said the resident of a great city, "is a system which
ultimately...
|
Gratitude
After O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the
thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, counsell...
|
Great Britain
One of the stories told by Mr. Spencer Leigh Hughes in his speech in the
House of Commons one night tickled everybody. It is the sto...
|
Grief
Jim, who worked in a garage, had just declined Mr. Smith's invitation to
ride in his new car.
"What's the matter, Jim?" asked Mr....
|
Guarantees
TRAVELER (on an English train)--"Shall I have time to get a drink?"
GUARD--"Yes, sir."
TRAVELER--"Can you give me a guarantee t...
|
Guests
"Look here, Dinah," said Binks, as he opened a questionable egg at
breakfast, "is this the freshest egg you can find?"
"Naw, suh,...
|
Habit
Among the new class which came to the second-grade teacher, a young
timid girl, was one Tommy, who for naughty deeds had been many t...
|
Hades
_See_ Future life.
...
|
Happiness
Lord Tankerville, in New York, said of the international school
question:
"The subject of the American versus the English school ...
|
Harnessing
The story is told of two Trenton men who hired a horse and trap for a
little outing not long ago. Upon reaching their destination, t...
|
Harvard University
"Well, I'll tell you this," said the college man, "Wellesley is a match
factory."
"That's quite true," assented the girl. "At Wel...
|
Hash
"George," said the Titian-haired school marm, "is there any connecting
link between the animal kingdom and the vegetable kingdom?"
...
|
Haste
The ferry-dock was crowded with weary home-goers when through the crowd
rushed a man--hot, excited, laden to the chin with bundles o...
|
Health Resorts
"Where've you been, Murray?"
"To a health resort. Finest place I ever struck. It was simply great."
"Then why did you come away...
|
Hearing
The Ladies' Aid ladies were talking about a conversation they had
overheard before the meeting, between a man and his wife.
"They...
|
Heaven
"Tom," said an Indiana youngster who was digging in the yard, "don't you
make that hole any deeper, or you'll come to gas."
"Well...
|
Heirlooms
HE (wondering if his rival has been accepted)--"Are both your rings
heirlooms?"
SHE (concealing the hand)--"Oh, dear, yes. One ha...
|
Hell
_See_ Future life.
...
|
Heredity
"Papa, what does hereditary mean?"
"Something which descends from father to son."
"Is a spanking hereditary?"
William had ...
|
Heroes
THE PASSER-BY--"You took a great risk in rescuing that boy; you deserve
a Carnegie medal. What prompted you to do it?"
THE HERO--...
|
Living
_See_ Cost of living.
...
|
Hinting
Little James, while at a neighbor's, was given a piece of bread and
butter, and politely said, "Thank you."
"That's right, James,...
|
Home
Home is a place where you can take off your new shoes and put on your
old manners.
Who hath not met with home-made bread,
...
|
Homeliness
_See_ Beauty, Personal.
...
|
Homesteads
"Malachi," said a prospective homesteader to a lawyer, "you know all
about this law. Tell me what I am to do."
"Well," said the o...
|
Honesty
"He's an honest young man" said the saloon keeper, with an approving
smile. "He sold his vote to pay his whiskey bill."
VISITOR...
|
Honor
In the smoking compartment of a Pullman, there were six men smoking and
reading. All of a sudden a door banged and the conductor's v...
|
Hope
FRED--"My dear Dora, let this thought console you for your lover's
death. Remember that other and better men than he have gone the s...
|
Horses
A city man, visiting a small country town, boarded a stage with two
dilapidated horses, and found that he had no other currency than...
|
Hospitality
Night was approaching and it was raining hard. The traveler dismounted
from his horse and rapped at the door of the one farmhouse he...
|
Hosts
I thank you for your welcome which was cordial,
And your cordial which was welcome.
Here's to the host and the hostess,
...
|
Hotels
In a Montana hotel there is a notice which reads: "Boarders taken by the
day, week or month. Those who do not pay promptly will be t...
|
Hunger
A man was telling about an exciting experience in Russia. His sleigh was
pursued over the frozen wastes by a pack of at least a doze...
|
Hunting
A gentleman from London was invited to go for "a day's snipe-shooting"
in the country. The invitation was accepted, and host and gue...
|
Hurry
See Haste.
...
|
Husbands
"Is she making him a good wife?"
"Well, not exactly; but she's making him a good husband."
A husband and wife ran a freak sho...
|
Hopkins Bros.
_Winifred C. Bristol_.
Mrs. McKinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she had
helped educate. The widow, rather lat...
|
Hybridization
We used to think that the smartest man ever born was the Connecticut
Yankee who grafted white birch on red maples and grew barber po...
|
Hyperbole
"Speakin' of fertile soil," said the Kansan, when the others had had
their say, "I never saw a place where melons growed like they u...
|
Hypocrisy
Hypocrisy is all right if we can pass it off as politeness.
TEACHER-"Now, Tommy, what is a hypocrite?"
TOMMY-"A boy that come...
|
Ideals
The fact that his two pet bantam hens laid very small eggs troubled
little Johnny. At last he was seized with an inspiration. Johnny...
|
Illusions And Hallucinations
A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, slapped him on the
back, and said: "Well, old man, you're all right. You can run ...
|
Imagination
One day a mother overheard her daughter arguing with a little boy about
their respective ages.
"I am older than you," he said, "'...
|
Imitation
Not long ago a company was rehearsing for an open-air performance of _As
You Like It_ near Boston. The garden wherein they were to p...
|
Infants
A wife after the divorce, said to her husband: "I am willing to let you
have the baby half the time."
"Good!" said he, rubbing hi...
|
Inquisitiveness
_See_ Wives.
...
|
Insanity
_See_ Editors; Love.
...
|
Inspirations
She was from Boston, and he was not.
He had spent a harrowing evening discussing authors of whom he knew
nothing, and their books...
|
Instalment Plan
Half the world doesn't know how many things the other half is paying
instalments on.
...
|
Instructions
A lively looking porter stood on the rear platform of a sleeping-car in
the Pennsylvania station when a fussy and choleric old man c...
|
Insurance, Life
A man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the other
day.
"Do you cycle?" the insurance agent asked.
"No," sai...
|
Insurance Blanks
_See_ Irish bulls.
...
|
Insurgents
"And what," asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do you call
that kind of cucumber?"
"That," replied a Fargo politici...
|
Interviews
"Haven't your opinions on this subject undergone a change?"
"No," replied Senator Soghum.
"But your views, as you expressed the...
|
Invitations
"Recently," says a Richmond man, "I received an invitation to the
marriage of a young colored couple formerly in my employ. I am qui...
|
Irish Bulls
Two Irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in marching
tactics. One was new at the business, and, turning to his compani...
|
Irishmen
A Peoria merchant deals in "Irish confetti." We take it that he runs a
brick-yard.--_Chicago Tribune_.
Here are some words, con...
|
Irreverence
There were three young women of Birmingham,
And I know a sad story concerning 'em:
They stuck needles and pins
In the ...
|
Jewels
The girl with the ruby lips we like,
The lass with teeth of pearl,
The maid with the eyes like diamonds,
The cheek-lik...
|
Jews
What is the difference between a banana and a Jew? You can skin the
banana.
He was quite evidently from the country and he was ...
|
Jokes
A nut and a joke are alike in that they can both be cracked, and
different in that the joke can be cracked again.--_William J.
Burt...
|
Journalism
A Louisville journalist was excessively proud of his little boy. Turning
to the old black nurse, "Aunty," said he, stroking the litt...
|
Judges
A judge once had a case in which the accused man understood only Irish.
An interpreter was accordingly sworn. The prisoner said some...
|
Judgment
HUSBAND--"But you must admit that men have better judgment than women."
WIFE--"Oh, yes--you married me, and I you."--_Life_.
...
|
Jury
In the south of Ireland a judge heard his usher of the court say,
"Gentlemen of the jury, take your proper places," and was convulse...
|
Justice
There are two sides to every question-the wrong side and our side.
"What, Tommy, in the jam again, and you whipped for it only a...
|
Juvenile Delinquency
A woman left her baby in its carriage at the door of a department-store.
A policeman found it there, apparently abandoned, and wheel...
|
Kentucky
Kentucky is the state where they have poor feud laws.
...
|
Kindness
Kindness goes a long ways lots o' times when it ought t' stay at
home.--_Abe Martin_.
An old couple came in from the country, w...
|
Kings And Rulers
"I think," said the heir apparent, "that I will add music and dancing to
my accomplishments."
"Aren't they rather light?"
"The...
|
Kisses
Here's to a kiss:
Give me a kiss, and to that kiss add a score,
Then to that twenty add a hundred more;
A thousand to that...
|
Knowledge
A physician was driving through a village when he saw a man amusing a
crowd with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor pulled up a...
|
Kultur
HERR HAMMERSCHLEGEL (winding up the argument)--"I think you iss a stupid
fool!"
MONSIEUR--"And I sink you a polite gentleman; but...
|
Labor And Laboring Classes
A farmer in great need of extra hands at haying time finally asked Si
Warren, who was accounted the town fool, if he could help him ...
|
Ladies
_See_ Etiquet; Woman.
...
|
Landlords
An English tourist was sightseeing in Ireland and the guide had pointed
out the Devil's Gap, the Devil's Peak, and the Devil's Leap ...
|
Languages
George Ade, with a fellow American, was traveling in the Orient, and his
companion one day fell into a heated argument with an old A...
|
Laughter
TEACHER--"Freddie, you musn't laugh out loud in the schoolroom."
FREDDIE--"I didn't mean to do it. I was smiling, and the smile bu...
|
Law
_See_ Punishment.
...
|
Lawyers
Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from collecting
his bill.--_Puck_.
George Ade had finished his speech a...
|
Laziness
A tourist in the mountains of Tennessee once had dinner with a querulous
old mountaineer who yarned about hard times for fifteen min...
|
Leap Year
A girl looked calmly at a caller one evening and remarked:
"George, as it is leap year--"
The caller turned pale.
"As it is ...
|
Legislators
Thomas B. Reed was one of the Legislative Committee sent to inspect an
insane asylum. There was a dance on the night the committee s...
|
Liars
There are three kinds of liars:
1. The man whom others can't believe. He is harmless. Let him alone.
2. The man who can't belie...
|
Liberty
Liberty is being free from the things we don't like in order to be
slaves of the things we do like.
A day, an hour, of virtuo...
|
Librarians
A country newspaper printed the following announcement: "The Public
Library will close for two weeks, beginning August 3, for the an...
|
Life
Life's an aquatic meet--some swim, some dive, some back water, some
float and the rest--sink.
I count life just a stuff
To...
|
Lisping
"Have you lost another tooth, Bethesda?" asked auntie, who noticed an
unusual lisp.
"Yes'm," replied the four-year-old, "and I li...
|
Lost And Found
"I ain't losing any faith in human nature," said Uncle Eben, "but I
kain't he'p noticin' dat dere's allus a heap mo' ahticles advert...
|
Love
Love is an insane desire on the part of a chump to pay a woman's
board-bill for life.
MR. SLIMPURSE--"But why do you insist tha...
|
Loyalty
Jenkins, a newly wedded suburbanite, kissed his wife goodby the other
morning, and, telling her he would be home at six o'clock that...
|
Luck
Some people are so fond of ill-luck that they run half-way to meet
it.--_Douglas Jerrold_.
O, once in each man's life, at lea...
|
Maine
The Governor of Maine was at the school and was telling the pupils what
the people of different states were called.
"Now," he sai...
|
Making Good
"What's become ob dat little chameleon Mandy had?" inquired Rufus.
"Oh, de fool chile done lost him," replied Zeke. "She wuz playi...
|
Malaria
The physician had taken his patient's pulse and temperature, and
proceeded to ask the usual questions.
"It--er--seems," said he, ...
|
Marks(wo)manship
An Irishman who, with his wife, is employed on a truck-farm in New
Jersey, recently found himself in a bad predicament, when, in att...
|
Marriage
MRS. QUACKENNESS--"Am yo' daughtar happily mar'd, Sistah Sagg?"
MRS. SAGG--"She sho' is! Bless goodness she's done got a husband d...
|
Marriage Fees
A poor couple who went to the priest to be wedded were met with a demand
for the marriage fee. It was not forth-coming. Both the con...
|
Mathematics
_See_ Arithmetic.
...
|
Matrimony
_See_ Marriage.
...
|
Measuring Instruments
"Golly, but I's tired!" exclaimed a tall and thin negro, meeting a short
and stout friend on Washington Street.
"What you been do...
|
Medical Inspection Of Schools
PASSER-BY--"What's the fuss in the schoolyard, boy?"
THE BOY--"Why, the doctor has just been around examinin' us an' one of
the d...
|
Medicine
The farmer's mule had just balked in the road when the country doctor
came by. The farmer asked the physician if he could give him s...
|
Meekness
One evening just before dinner a wife, who had been playing bridge all
the afternoon, came in to find her husband and a strange man (a...
|
Memorials
Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of their
race, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tribu...
|
Memory
"Uncle Mose," said a drummer, addressing an old colored man seated on a
drygoods box in front of the village store, "they tell me th...
|
Men
Here's to the men! God bless them!
Worst of me sins, I confess them!
In loving them all; be they great or small,
So he...
|
Messages
"Have you the rent ready?"
"No, sir; mother's gone out washing and forgot to put it out for you."
"Did she tell you she'd forgo...
|
Metaphor
It was a Washington woman, angry because the authorities had closed the
woman's rest-room in the Senate office building, who burst o...
|
Mice
"What's the matter with Briggs?"
"He was getting shaved by a lady barber when a mouse ran across the
floor."--_Life_.
...
|
Middle Classes
WILLIE--"Paw, what is the middle class?"
PAW--"The middle class consists of people who are not poor enough to
accept charity and ...
|
Militants
_See_ Suffragettes.
...
|
Military Discipline
Murphy was a new recruit in the cavalry. He could not ride at all, and
by ill luck was given one of the most vicious horses in the t...
|
Milliners
Recipe for a milliner:
To a presence that's much more than queenly,
Add a manner that's quite Vere de Vere;
You feel lik...
|
Millionaires
Recipe for a multi-millionaire:
Take a boy with bare feet as a starter
Add thrift and sobriety, mixed--
Flavor with quart...
|
Minorities
Stepping out between the acts at the first production of one of his
plays, Bernard Shaw said to the audience:
"What do you think ...
|
Misers
There was an old man of Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket;
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man-...
|
Missionaries
SHE--"Poor cousin Jack! And to be eaten by those wretched cannibals!"
HE--"Yes, my dear child; but he gave them their first taste ...
|
Missions
"What in the world are you up to, Hilda?" exclaimed Mrs. Bale, as she
entered the nursery where her six-year-old daughter was stuffi...
|
Mistaken Identity
There was a young fellow named Paul,
Who went to a fancy dress ball;
They say, just for fun
He dressed up like a bun,
...
|
Mollycoddles
"Tommy, why don't you play with Frank any more?" asked Tommy's mother,
who noticed that he was cultivating the acquaintance of a new...
|
Money
In some of the college settlements there are penny savings banks for
children.
One Saturday a small boy arrived with an important...
|
Moral Education
Two little boys, four and five years old respectively, were playing
quietly, when the one of four years struck the other on his chee...
|
Mosquitoes
Senator Gore, of Oklahoma, while addressing a convention in Oklahoma
City recently, told this story, illustrating a point he made:
...
|
Mothers
While reconnoitering in Westmoreland County, Virginia, one of General
Washington's officers chanced upon a fine team of horses drive...
|
Mothersinlaw
Justice David J. Brewer was asked not long ago by a man.
"Will you please tell me, sir, what is the extreme penalty for bigamy?"
...
|
Motorcycles
The automobile was a thing unheard of to a mountaineer in one community,
and he was very much astonished one day when he saw one go ...
|
Mountains
Some real-estate dealers in British Columbia were accused of having
victimized English and Scotch settlers by selling to them (at lo...
|
Moving Pictures
"Your soldiers look fat and happy. You must have a war chest." "Not
exactly, but things are on a higher plane than they used to be. ...
|
Muckraking
The way of the transgressor is well written up.
...
|
Mules
Gen. O.O. Howard, as is well known, is a man of deep religious
principles, and in the course of the war he divided his time pretty
...
|
Municipal Government
"What's the trouble in Plunkville?"
"We've tried a mayor and we've tried a commission."
"Well?"
"Now we're thinking of offer...
|
Museums
It had been anything but an easy afternoon for the teacher who took six
of her pupils through the Museum of Natural History, but the...
|
Music
The musical young woman who dropped her peekaboo waist in the piano
player and turned out a Beethoven sonata, has her equal in the l...
|
Musicians
FATHER--"Well, sonny, did you take your dog to the 'vet' next door to
your house, as I suggested?"
BOY--"Yes, sir."
FATHER-"And ...
|
Names, Personal
Israel Zangwill, the well-known writer, signs himself I. Zangwill. He
was once approached at a reception by a fussy old lady, who dema...
|
Natives
FRIEND (admiring the prodigy)--"Seventh standard, is she? Plays the
planner an' talks French like a native, I'll bet."
FOND BUT "...
|
Nature Lovers
"Would you mind tooting your factory whistle a little?"
"What for?"
"For my father over yonder in the park. He's a trifle deaf ...
|
Navigation
The fog was dense and the boat had stopped when the old lady asked the
Captain why he didn't go on.
"Can't see up the river, mada...
|
Neatness
The neatness of the New England housekeeper is a matter of common
remark, and husbands in that part of the country are supposed to
...
|
Negroes
A colored girl asked the drug clerk for "ten cents' wuth o'
cou't-plaster."
"What color," he asked.
"Flesh cullah, suh."
Wh...
|
Neighbors
THE MAN AT THE DOOR--"Madame, I'm the piano-tuner."
THE WOMAN--"I didn't send for a piano-tuner."
THE MAN--"I know it, lady; th...
|
New Jersey
"You must have had a terrible experience with no food, and mosquitoes
swarming around you," I said to the shipwrecked mariner who ha...
|
New York City
At a convention of Methodist Bishops held in Washington, the Bishop of
New York made a stirring address extolling the powers and pos...
|
News
Soon after the installation of the telegraph in Fredericksburg,
Virginia, a little darky, the son of my father's mammy, saw a piece ...
|
Newspapers
A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of
newspapers under his arm said: "Don't all those papers make you ti...
|
Obesity
_See_ Corpulence.
...
|
Obituaries
If you have frequent fainting spells, accompanied by chills, cramps,
corns, bunions, chilblains, epilepsy and jaundice, it is a sign...
|
Observation
In his daily half hour confidential talk with his boy an ambitious
father tried to give some good advice.
"Be observing, my son,"...
|
Occupations
Mrs. Hennessey, who was a late arrival in the neighborhood, was
entertaining a neighbor one afternoon, when the latter inquired:
...
|
Ocean
A resident of Nahant tells this one on a new servant his wife took down
from Boston.
"Did you sleep well, Mary?" the girl was ask...
|
Office Boys
"Have you had any experience as an office-boy?"
"I should say I had, mister; why, I'm a dummy director in three
mining-companies ...
|
Officeseekers
A gentleman, not at all wealthy, who had at one time represented in
Congress, through a couple of terms a district not far from the ...
|
Old Age
_See_ Age.
...
|
Old Masters
_See_ Paintings.
...
|
Onions
Can the Burbanks of the glorious West
Either make or buy or sell
An onion with an onion's taste
But with a violet's sm...
|
Opera
"Which do you consider the most melodious Wagnerian opera?" asked Mrs.
Cumrox.
"There are several I haven't heard, aren't there?"...
|
Opportunity
Many a man creates his own lack of opportunities.--_Life_.
Who seeks, and will not take when once 'tis offer'd,
Shall never...
|
Optimism
Optimism is Worry on a spree.--_Judge_.
An optimist is a man who doesn't care what happens just so is doesn't
happen to him.
...
|
Orators
It is narrated that Colonel Breckenridge, meeting Majah Buffo'd on the
streets of Lexington one day asked: "What's the meaning, suh,...
|
Outdoor Life
One day, in the spring of '74, Cap Smith's freight outfit pulled into
Helena, Montana. After unloading the freight, the "mule-skinne...
|
Painting
_See_ Art.
...
|
Paintings
She had engaged a maid recently from the country, and was now employed
in showing her newly acquired treasure over the house and enl...
|
Panics
One night at a theatre some scenery took fire, and a very perceptible
odor of burning alarmed the spectators. A panic seemed to be i...
|
Parents
William, aged five, had been reprimanded by his father for interrupting
while his father was telling his mother about the new teleph...
|
Parrots
Pat had but a limited knowledge of the bird kingdom. One day, walking
down the street, he noticed a green bird in a cage, talking an...
|
Partnership
A West Virginia darky, a blacksmith, recently announced a change in his
business as follows: "Notice--De co-pardnership heretofore r...
|
Passwords
"I want to change my password," said the man who had for two years
rented a safety-deposit box.
"Very well," replied the man in cha...
|
Patience
"Your husband seems to be very impatient lately."
"Yes, he is, very."
"What is the matter with him?"
"He is getting tired wa...
|
Patriotism
General Gordon, the Confederate commander, used to tell the following
story: He was sitting by the roadside one blazing hot day when...
|
Pensions
WILLIS--"I wonder if there will ever be universal peace."
GILLIS--"Sure. All they've got to do is to get the nations to agree that...
|
Pessimism
A pessimist is a man who lives with an optimist.--_Francis Wilson_.
How happy are the Pessimists!
A bliss without alloy
...
|
Philadelphia
A Staten Island man, when the mosquitoes began to get busy in the
borough across the bay, has been in the habit every summer of
tra...
|
Philanthropists
Little grains of short weight,
Little crooked twists,
Fill the land with magnates
And philanthropists.
_See also_...
|
Philosophy
Philosophy is finding out how many things there are in the world which
you can't have if you want them, and don't want if you can ha...
|
Physicians And Surgeons
The eight-year-old son of a Baltimore physician, together with a friend,
was playing in his father's office, during the absence of t...
|
Pickpockets
_See_ Thieves; Wives.
...
|
Pins
"Oh, dear!" sighed the wife as she was dressing for a dinner-party, "I
can't find a pin anywhere. I wonder where all the pins go to,...
|
Pittsburg
"How about that airship?"
"It went up in smoke."
"Burned, eh?"
"Oh, no. Made an ascension at Pittsburg."
SKYBOUGH--"Why...
|
Play
The mother heard a great commotion, as of cyclones mixed up with
battering-rams, and she hurried upstairs to discover what was the
...
|
Pleasure
BILLY--"Huh! I bet you didn't have a good time at your birthday party
yesterday."
WILLIE--"I bet I did."
BILLY--"Then why ain'...
|
Poetry
Poetry is a gift we are told, but most editors won't take it even at
that.
...
|
Poets
EDITOR--"Have you submitted this poem anywhere else?"
JOKESMITH--"No, sir."
EDITOR--"Then where did you get that black eye?"--_...
|
Police
A man who was "wanted" in Russia had been photographed in six different
positions, and the pictures duly circulated among the police...
|
Politeness
_See_ Courtesy; Etiquet.
...
|
Political Parties
ZOO SUPERINTENDENT--"What was all the rumpus out there this morning?"
ATTENDANT--"The bull moose and the elephant were fighting ov...
|
Politicians
Politicians always belong to the opposite party.
The man who goes into politics as a business has no business to go into
politi...
|
Politics
Politics consists of two sides and a fence.
If I were asked to define politics in relation to the British public, I
should defi...
|
Poverty
Poverty is no disgrace, but that's about all that can be said in its
favor.
A traveler passing through the Broad Top Mountain d...
|
Praise
WIFE (complainingly)--"You never praise me up to any one."
HUB--"I don't, eh! You should hear me describe you at the intelligence
...
|
Prayer Meetings
A foreigner who attended a prayer meeting in Indiana was asked what the
assistants did. "Not very much," he said, "only they sin and...
|
Prayers
During the winter the village preacher was taken sick, and several of
his children were also afflicted with the mumps. One day a num...
|
Preaching
The services in the chapel of a certain western university are from time
to time conducted by eminent clergymen of many denomination...
|
Prescriptions
After a month's work in intensely warm weather a gardener in the suburbs
became ill, and the anxious little wife sent for a doctor, ...
|
Presence Of Mind
"What did you do when you met the train-robber face to face?"
"I explained that I had been interviewed by the ticket-seller, the
...
|
Printers
The master of all trades: He beats the farmer with his fast "hoe," the
carpenter with his "rule," and the mason in "setting up tall ...
|
Prisons
A man arrested for stealing chickens was brought to trial. The case was
given to the jury, who brought him in guilty, and the judge ...
|
Prodigals
"Why did the father of the prodigal son fall on his neck and weep?"
"Cos he had ter kill the fatted calf, an' de son wasn't wort' ...
|
Profanity
THE RECTOR--"It's terrible for a man like you to make every other word
an oath."
THE MAN--"Oh, well, I swear a good deal and you ...
|
Prohibition
"Talking about dry towns, have you ever been in Leavenworth, Kansas?"
asked the commercial traveler in the smoking-car. "No? Well, t...
|
Promoting
Mr. Harcourt, the Secretary of State for the Colonies, at the British
North Borneo dinner, said that a City friend of his was approa...
|
Promotion
Promotion cometh neither from the east nor the west, but from the
cemetery.--_Edward Sanford Martin_.
...
|
Promptness
"Are you first in anything at school, Earlie?"
"First out of the building when the bell rings."
The head of a large business ...
|
Pronunciation
A tale is told of a Kansas minister, a great precisionist in the use of
words, whose exactness sometimes destroyed the force of what...
|
Proportion
A middle-aged colored woman in a Georgia village, hearing a commotion in
a neighbor's cabin, looked in at the door. On the floor lay...
|
Proposals
A love-smitten youth who was studying the approved method of proposal
asked one of his bachelor friends if he thought that a young m...
|
Propriety
There was a young lady of Wilts,
Who walked up to Scotland on stilts;
When they said it was shocking
To show so much s...
|
Prosperity
May bad fortune follow you all your days
And never catch up with you.
...
|
Protestant Episcopal Church
One of our popular New England lecturers tells this amusing
story.
A street boy of diminutive stature was trying to sell some
ve...
|
Protestants
A Protestant mission meeting had been held in an Irish town and this
was the gardener's contribution to the controversy that ensued:...
|
Providence
"Why did papa have appendicitis and have to pay the doctor a thousand
dollars, Mama?"
"It was God's will, dear."
"And was it b...
|
Provincialism
Some time ago an English friend of Colonel W.J. Lampton's living in
New York and having never visited the South, went to Virginia to...
|
Public Service Corporations
The attorney demanded to know how many secret societies the witness
belonged to, whereupon the witness objected and appealed to the ...
|
Public Speakers
ORATOR--"I thought your paper was friendly to me?"
EDITOR--"So it is. What's the matter?"
ORATOR--"I made a speech at the dinne...
|
Punishment
A parent who evidently disapproved of corporal punishment wrote the
teacher:
"Dear Miss: Don't hit our Johnnie. We never do i...
|
Puns
A father once said to his son,
"The next time you make up a pun,
Go out in the yard
And kick yourself hard,
And I w...
|
Pure Food
Into a general store of a town in Arkansas there recently came a darky
complaining that a ham which he had purchased there was not g...
|
Quarrels
"But why did you leave your last place?" the lady asked of the would-be
cook.
"To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the ...
|
Questions
The more questions a woman asks the fewer answers she
remembers.--_Wasp_.
It was a very hot day and the fat drummer who wanted ...
|
Quotations
Stanley Jordan, the well-known Episcopal minister, having cause to be
anxious about his son's college examinations, told him to tele...
|
Race Prejudices
A negro preacher in a southern town was edified on one occasion by the
recital of a dream had by a member of the church.
"I was a...
|
Race Pride
Sam Jones, the evangelist, was leading a revival meeting in Huntsville,
Texas, a number of years ago, and at the close of one of the...
|
Race Suicide
"Prisoner, why did you assault this landlord?"
"Your Honor, because I have several children he refused to rent me a
flat."
"We...
|
Races
In answer to the question, "What are the five great races of mankind?" a
Chinese student replied, "The 100 yards, the hurdles, the q...
|
Railroads
"Talk 'bout railroads bein' a blessin'," said Brother Dickey, "des look
at de loads an' loads er watermelons deys haulin' out de sta...
|
Rapid Transit
One cold, wintry morning a man of tall and angular build was walking
down a steep hill at a quick pace. A treacherous piece of ice u...
|
Reading
_See_ Books and Reading.
...
|
Real Estate Agents
Little Nelly told little Anita what she termed a "little fib."
ANITA--"A fib is the same as a story, and a story is the same as a ...
|
Realism
The storekeeper at Yount, Idaho, tells the following tale of Ole Olson,
who later became the little town's mayor.
"One night, jus...
|
Recall
SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--"Johnny, what is the text from Judges?"
JOHNNY-"I don't believe in recalling the judiciary, mum."
"Sen...
|
Recommendations
A firm of shady outside London brokers was prosecuted for swindling. In
acquitting them the court, with great severity, said:
"Th...
|
Reconciliations
"Yes, I quarreled with my wife about nothing."
"Why don't you make up?"
"I'm going to. All I'm worried about now is the indemni...
|
Reformers
LOUISE--"The man that Edith married is a reformer."
JULIA--"How did he lose his money?"--_Judge_.
He was earnestly but prosil...
|
Regrets
A Newport man who was invited to a house party at Bar Harbor,
telegraphed to the hostess: "Regret I can't come. Lie follows by post....
|
Rehearsals
The funeral procession was moving along the village street when Uncle
Abe stepped out of a store. He hadn't heard the news. "Sho," s...
|
Relatives
"It is hard, indeed," said the melancholy gentleman, "to lose one's
relatives."
"Hard?" snorted the gentleman of wealth. "Hard? I...
|
Religions
When Bishop Phillips Brooks sailed from America on his last trip to
Europe, a friend jokingly remarked that while abroad he might di...
|
Remedies
MISTRESS--"Did the mustard plaster do you any good, Bridget?"
MAID--"Yes; but, begorry, mum, it do bite the tongue!"
SUFFERER...
|
Reminders
The wife of an overworked promoter said at breakfast:
"Will you post this letter for me, dear? It's to the furrier,
countermandin...
|
Repartee
Repartee is saying on the instant what you didn't say until the next
morning.
Among the members of a working gang on a certain ...
|
Reporting
_See_ Journalism; Newspapers.
...
|
Republican Party
The morning after a banquet, during the Democratic convention in
Baltimore, a prominent Republican thus greeted an equally well-know...
|
Reputation
Popularity is when people like you; and reputation is when they ought
to, but really can't.--_Frank Richardson_.
...
|
Resemblances
Senator Blackburn is a thorough Kentuckian, and has all the local pride
of one born in the blue-grass section of his State. He also ...
|
Resignation
"Then you don't think I practice what I preach, eh?" queried the
minister in talking with one of the deacons at a meeting.
"No, s...
|
Respectability
"Is he respectable?"'
"Eminently so. He's never been indicted for anything less than stealing
a railroad."--_Wasp_.
...
|
Rest Cure
A weather-beaten damsel somewhat over six feet in height and with a pair
of shoulders proportionately broad appeared at a back door ...
|
Retaliation
You know that fellow, Jim McGroiarty, the lad that's always comin' up
and thumpin' ye on the chest and yellin', 'How are ye?'"
"I...
|
Revolutions
Haiti was in the midst of a revolution.
As a phase of it two armed bodies were approaching each other so that a
third was about t...
|
Rewards
Said a great Congregational preacher
To a hen, "You're a beautiful creature."
And the hen, just for that,
Laid an egg ...
|
Rheumatism
FARMER BARNES--"I've bought a barometer, Hannah, to tell when it's going
to rain, ye know."
MRS. BARNES--"To tell when it's goin'...
|
Roads
A Yankee just returning to the states was dining with an Englishman, and
the latter complained of the mud in America.
"Yes," said...
|
Roasts
As William Faversham was having his luncheon in a Birmingham hotel he
was much annoyed by another visitor, who, during the whole of ...
|
Roosevelt, Theodore
A delegation from Kansas visited Theodore Roosevelt at Oyster Bay some
years ago, while he was president. The host met them with coa...
|
Salaries
A country school-teacher was cashing her monthly check at the bank. The
teller apologized for the filthy condition of the bills, say...
|
Salesmen And Salesmanship
A darky fruit-dealer in Georgia has a sign above his wares that reads:
Watermelons
Our choice 25 cents.
Your ch...
|
Saloons
"Where can I get a drink in this town?" asked a traveling man who landed
at a little town in the oil region of Oklahoma, of the 'bus...
|
Salvation
WILLIS--"Some of these rich fellows seem to think that they can buy
their way into heaven by leaving a million dollars to a church w...
|
Saving
Take care of the pennies and the dollars will be blown in by your
heirs.--_Puck_.
"Do you save up money for a rainy day, dear?"...
|
Scandal
An ill wind that blows nobody good.
...
|
Scholarship
There is in Washington an old "grouch' whose son was graduated from
Yale. When the young man came home at the end of his first term,...
|
Schools
"Mamma," complained little Elsie, "I don't feel very well." "That's too
bad, dear," said mother sympathetically. "Where do you feel ...
|
Scientific Management
The late Sylvanus Miller, civil engineer, who was engaged in railroad
enterprise in Central America, was seeking local support for a...
|
Scotch, The
A Scotsman is one who prays on his knees on Sunday and preys on his
neighbors on week days.
It being the southerner's turn, he ...
|
Seasickness
A Philadelphian, on his way to Europe, was experiencing seasickness for
the first time. Calling his wife to his bedside, he said in ...
|
Seasons
There was a young fellow named Hall,
Who fell in the spring in the fall;
'Twould have been a sad thing
If he'd died in...
|
Senators
A Senator is very often a man who has risen from obscurity to something
worse.
"You have been conspicuous in the halls of legis...
|
Sense Of Humor
"What of his sense of humor?"
"Well, he has to see a joke twice before he sees it once."
--_Richard Kirk_.
"A sense of...
|
Sentries
_See_ Armies.
...
|
Sermons
_See_ Preaching.
...
|
Servants
TOMMY--"Pop, what is it that the Bible says is here to-day and gone
to-morrow?"
POP--"Probably the cook, my son."
As usual, ...
|
Shopping
CLERK--"Can you let me off to-morrow afternoon? My wife wants me to go
shopping with her."
EMPLOYER--"Certainly not. We are much ...
|
Shyness
The late "lan Maclaren" (Dr. John Watson) once told this story on
himself to some friends:
"I was coming over on the steamer to A...
|
Signs
When the late Senator Wolcott first went to Colorado he and his brother
opened a law office at Idaho Springs under the firm name of ...
|
Silence
A conversation with an Englishman.--_Heine_.
BALL-"What is silence?"
HALL-"The college yell of the school of experience."
...
|
Sin
Man-like is it to fall into sin,
Fiend-like is it to dwell therein,
Christ-like is it for sin to grieve,
God-like is it al...
|
Singers
As the celebrated soprano began to sing, little Johnnie became greatly
exercised over the gesticulations of the orchestra conductor....
|
Skating
A young lady entered a crowded car with a pair of skates slung over her
arm. An elderly gentleman arose to give her his seat.
"Th...
|
Skyscrapers
_See_ Buildings.
...
|
Sleep
Recently a friend who had heard that I sometimes suffer from insomnia
told me of a sure cure. "Eat a pint of peanuts and drink two or ...
|
Smiles
There was a young lady of Niger,
Who went for a ride on a tiger;
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside,
...
|
Smoking
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.--_Rudyard
Kipling_.
AUNT MARY--(horrified) "Good gracious. Harold, what wou...
|
Sneezing
While campaigning in Iowa Speaker Cannon was once inveigled into
visiting the public schools of a town where he was billed to speak....
|
Snobbery
Snobbery is the pride of those who are not sure of their position.
...
|
Snoring
Snore--An unfavorable report from headquarters.--_Foolish Dictionary_.
...
|
Socialists
Among the stories told of the late Baron de Rothschild is one which
details how a "change of heart" once came to his valet--an excel...
|
Society
Smart Society is made up of the worldly, the fleshy, and the
devilish.--_Harold Melbourne_.
"What are her days at home?"
"Oh...
|
Solecisms
A New York firm recently hung the following sign at the entrance of a
large building: "Wanted: Sixty girls to sew buttons on the six...
|
Sons
"I thought your father looked very handsome with his gray hairs."
"Yes, dear old chap. I gave him those."
...
|
Souvenirs
"A friend of mine, traveling in Ireland, stopped for a drink of milk at
a white cottage with a thatched roof, and, as he sipped his ...
|
Speculation
There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when
he can't afford it, and when he can.--_Mark Twain_.
...
|
Speed
"I always said old Cornelius Husk was slow," said one Quag man to
another.
"Why, what's he been doin' now?" the other asked.
"...
|
Spinsters
"Is there anyone present who wishes the prayers of the congregation for
a relative or friend?" asks the minister.
"I do," says th...
|
Spite
Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something
more aggraviting than if you spoke right out at once.
A...
|
Spring
In the spring the housemaid's fancy
Lightly turns from pot and pan
To the greater necromancy
Of a young unmarried man....
|
Stammering
One of the ushers approached a man who appeared to be annoying those
about him.
"Don't you like the show?"
"Yes, indeed!"
"...
|
Statesmen
A statesman is a deal politician.--_Mr. Dooley_.
A statesman is a man who finds out which way the crowd is going, then
jumps in f...
|
Statistics
An earnest preacher in Georgia, who has a custom of telling the Lord all
the news in his prayers, recently began a petition for help...
|
Steak
"Can I get a steak here and catch the one o'clock train?"
"It depends on your teeth, sir."
...
|
Steam
"Can you tell what steam is?" asked the examiner.
"Why, sure, sir," replied Patrick confidently. "Steam is--Why--er--it's
wather ...
|
Steamships And Steamboats
"That new steamer they're building is a whopper," says the man with the
shoe button nose.
"Yes," agrees the man with the recalcit...
|
Stenographers
A beautiful statuesque blond had left New York to act as stenographer to
a dignified Philadelphian of Quaker descent. On the morning...
|
Stock Brokers
A grain broker in New Boston, Maine,
Said, "That market gives me a pain;
I can hardly bear it,
To bull--I don't dare i...
|
Strategy
A bird dog belonging to a man in Mulvane disappeared last week. The
owner put this "ad" in the paper and insisted that it be printed...
|
Subways
Any one who has ever traveled on the New York subway in rush hours can
easily appreciate the following:
A little man, wedged into...
|
Success
Nothing succeeds like excess.--_Life_.
Nothing succeeds like looking successful.--_Henriette Corkland_.
Success in life oft...
|
Suffragettes
When a married woman goes out to look after her rights, her husband is
usually left at home to look after his wrongs.--_Child Harold...
|
Suicide
The Chinese Consul at San Francisco, at a recent dinner, discussed his
country's customs.
"There is one custom," said a young gir...
|
Summer Resorts
GABE--"What are you going back to that place for this summer? Why, last
year it was all mosquitoes and no fishing."
STEVE--"The o...
|
Sunday
Albert was a solemn-eyed, spiritual-looking child. "Nurse," he said one
day, leaving his blocks and laying his hand on her knee, "nu...
|
Sunday Schools
"Now, Willie," said the superintendent's little boy, addressing the
blacksmith's little boy, who had come over for a frolic, "we'll ...
|
Superstition
Superstition is a premature explanation overstaying its time.--_George
Iles_.
...
|
Surprise
"Where are you goin', ma?" asked the youngest of five children.
"I'm going to a surprise party, my dear," answered the mother.
...
|
Swimmers
Two negro roustabouts at New Orleans were continually bragging about
their ability as long distance swimmers and a steamboat man got...
|
Sympathy
A sympathizer is a fellow that's for you as long as it don't cost
anything.
Dwight L. Moody was riding in a car one day when it...
|
Synonyms
"I don't believe any two words in the English language are synonymous."
"Oh, I don't know. What's the matter with 'raise' and 'lif...
|
Table Manners
_See_ Dining.
...
|
Tact
It was at the private theatricals, and the young man wished to
compliment his hostess, saying:
"Madam, you played your part splen...
|
Taft, William Howard
When Mr. Taft was on his campaigning tour in the west, before he had
been elected President, he stopped at the home of an old friend...
|
Talent
_See_ Actors and actresses.
...
|
Talkers
Some years ago, Mark Twain was a guest of honor at an opera box-party
given by a prominent member of New York society. The hostess h...
|
Tardiness
"You'll be late for supper, sonny," said the merchant, in passing a
small boy who was carrying a package.
"No, I won't," was the ...
|
Tariff
Why not have an illuminated sign on the statue of Liberty saying,
"America expects every man to pay his duty?"--_Kent Packard_.
...
|
Taste
"It isn't wise for a painter to be too frank in his criticisms," said
Robert Henri at a luncheon. "I know a very outspoken painter w...
|
Teachers
A rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher, but she was much
troubled because many of her pupils were late every morning. At la...
|
Tears
Two Irishmen who had just landed were eating their dinner in a hotel,
when Pat spied a bottle of horseradish. Not knowing what it wa...
|
Teeth
There was an old man of Tarentum,
Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 'em:
And when asked for the cost
Of what he...
|
Telephone
Two girls were talking over the wire. Both were discussing what they
should wear to the Christmas party. In the midst of this import...
|
Temper
Hearing the crash of china Dinah's mistress arrived in time to see her
favorite coffee-set in pieces. The sight was too much for her...
|
Temperance
A Boston deacon who was a zealous advocate for the cause of temperance
employed a carpenter to make some alterations in his home. In...
|
Texas
The bigness of Texas is evident from a cursory examination of the map.
But its effect upon the people of that state is not generally...
|
Texts
In the Tennessee mountains a mountaineer preacher, who had declared
colleges "the works of the devil," was preaching without previou...
|
Theater
"Say, old man," chattered the press-agent, who had cornered a producer
of motion-picture plays, "I've got a grand idea for a film-dr...
|
Thieves
GEORGIA LAWYER (to colored prisoner)--"Well, Ras, so you want me to
defend you. Have you any money?"
RASTUS--"No; but I'se got a ...
|
Thin People
There was an old fellow named Green,
Who grew so abnormally lean,
And flat, and compressed,
That his back touched his ...
|
Thrift
It was said of a certain village "innocent" or fool in Scotland that if
he were offered a silver sixpence or copper penny he would i...
|
Tides
A Kansan sat on the beach at Atlantic City watching a fair and very fat
bather disporting herself in the surf. He knew nothing of ti...
|
Time
Mrs. Hooligan was suffering from the common complaint of having more to
do than there was time to do it in. She looked up at the clo...
|
Tips
American travelers in Europe experience a great deal of trouble from the
omnipresent need of tipping those from whom they expect any...
|
Titles Of Honor And Nobility
An English lord was traveling through this country with a small party of
friends. At a farmhouse the owner invited the party in to s...
|
Toasts
_See_ Drinking; Good fellowship; Woman.
...
|
Tobacco
"Tobaccy wanst saved my life," said Paddy Blake, an inveterate smoker.
"How was that?" inquired his companion. "Ye see, I was diggin...
|
Tourists
_See_ Liars; Travelers.
...
|
Trade Unions
CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE--"Is this the place where you are happy all
the time?"
ST. PETER (proudly)--"It is, sir."
"Well, I r...
|
Tramps
LADY--"Can't you find work?"
TRAMP--"Yessum; but everyone wants a reference from my last employer."
LADY--"And can't you get on...
|
Transmutation
Fred Stone, of Montgomery and Stone fame, and Eugene Wood, whose stories
and essays are well known, met on Broadway recently. They s...
|
Travelers
An American tourist, who was stopping in Tokio had visited every point
of interest and had seen everything to be seen except a Shint...
|
Treason
It was during the Parnell agitation in Ireland that an anti-Parnellite,
criticising the ways of tenants in treating absentee landlor...
|
Trees
CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Do nuts grow on trees, father?"
FATHER--"They do, my son."
CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Then what tree does the doughnut...
|
Trigonometry
A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked around and
discovered that his clerk was absent. "Here, officer," he sa...
|
Trouble
"What is the trouble, wifey?"
"Nothing."
"Yes, there is. What are you crying about, something that happened at
home or somethi...
|
Trusts
A trust is known by the companies it keeps.--_Ellis O. Jones_.
TOMPKINS--"Ventley has received a million dollars for his patent ...
|
Truth
There was a young lady named Ruth,
Who had a great passion for truth.
She said she would die
Before she would lie,
...
|
Turkeys
"Ah," says the Christmas guest. "How I wish I could sit down to a
Christmas dinner with one of those turkeys we raised on the farm, ...
|
Tutors
A tutor who tooted a flute
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to to...
|
Twins
"Faith, Mrs. O'Hara, how d' ye till thim twins aparrt?"
"Aw, 't is aisy--I sticks me finger in Dinnis's mouth, an' if he bites I
...
|
Umbrellas
A man left his umbrella in the stand in a hotel recently, with a card
bearing the following inscription attached to it: "This umbrel...
|
Value
"The trouble with father," said the gilded youth, "is that he has no
idea of the value of money."
"You don't mean to imply that h...
|
Vanity
MCGORRY--"I'll buy yez no new hat, d' yez moind thot? Ye are vain enough
ahlriddy."
MRS. MCGORRY--"Me vain? Oi'm not! Shure, Oi d...
|
Versatility
A clergyman who advertised for an organist received this reply:
"_Dear Sir_:
"I notice you have a vacancy for an organi...
|
Voice
A lanky country youth entered the crossroads general store to order some
groceries. He was seventeen years old and was passing thr...
|
Wages
"Me gotta da good job," said Pictro, as he gave the monkey a little more
line after grinding out on his organ a selection from "Sant...
|
Only $4.oo
"The divvle he does!" exclaimed Pat in disgust. "The dirty scab!"
The difference between wages and salary is--when you receive wag...
|
Waiters
Recipe for a waiter:
Stuff a hired dress-suit case with an effort to please,
Add a half-dozen stumbles and trips;
Remove...
|
War
"Flag of truce, Excellency."
"Well, what do the revolutionists want?"
"They would like to exchange a couple of Generals for a c...
|
Warnings
Pietro had drifted down to Florida and was working with a gang at
railroad construction. He had been told to beware of rattlesnakes,...
|
Washington, George
A Barnegat schoolma'am had been telling her pupils something about
George Washington, and finally she asked:
"Can any one now tel...
|
Wasps
The wasp cannot speak, but when he says "Drop it," in his own inimitable
way, neither boy nor man shows any remarkable desire to hol...
|
Waste
The automobile rushed down the road--huge, gigantic, sublime. Over the
fence hung the woman who works hard and long-her husband is a...
|
Wealth
If you want to make a living you have to work for it, while if you want
to get rich you must go about it in some other way.
The...
|
Weather
"How did you find the weather in London?" asked the friend of the
returned traveler.
"You don't have to find the weather in Londo...
|
Wedding Anniversaries
Uncle Ephraim had put on a clean collar and his best coat, and was
walking majestically up and down the street.
"Aren't you worki...
|
Wedding Presents
Among the presents lately showered upon a dusky bride in a rural section
of Virginia, was one that was a gift of an old woman with w...
|
Weddings
An actor who was married recently for the third time, and whose bride
had been married once before, wrote across the bottom of the w...
|
Weights And Measures
"Didn't I tell ye to feed that cat a pound of meat every day until ye
had her fat?" demanded an Irish shopkeeper, nodding toward a s...
|
Welcomes
When Ex-President Taft was on his transcontinental tour, American flags
and Taft pictures were in evidence everywhere. Usually the T...
|
West, The
EASTERN LADY (traveling in Montana)--"The idea of calling this the
'Wild-West'! Why, I never saw such politeness anywhere."
COWBO...
|
Whisky
This is from an Irish priest's sermon, as quoted in Samuel M. Hussey's
"Reminiscences of an Irish Land Agent": "'It's whisky makes y...
|
Whisky Breath
_See_ Breath.
...
|
Widows
During the course of conversation between two ladies in a hotel parlor
one said to the other: "Are you married?" "No, I am not," rep...
|
Wind
VISITOR--"What became of that other windmill that was here last year?"
NATIVE--"There was only enough wind for one, so we took it ...
|
Windfalls
A Nebraska man was carried forty miles by a cyclone and dropped in a
widow's front yard. He married the widow and returned home wort...
|
Wine
When our thirsty souls we steep,
Every sorrow's lull'd to sleep.
Talk of monarchs! we are then
Richest, happiest, first of...
|
Wishes
George Washington drew a long sigh and said: "Ah wish Ah had a hundred
watermillions."
Dixie's eyes lighted. "Hum! Dat would sutt...
|
Witnesses
"The trouble is," said Wilkins as he talked the matter over with his
counsel, "that in the excitement of the moment I admitted that ...
|
Wives
"Father," said a little boy, "had Solomon seven hundred wives?"
"I believe so, my son," said the father.
"Well, father, was he ...
|
Woman
Woman--the only sex which attaches more importance to what's on its head
than to what's in it.
"How very few statues there are ...
|
Woman Suffrage
WOMAN VOTER--"Now, I may as well be frank with you. I absolutely
refuse to vote the same ticket as that horrid Jones woman."
...
|
Women's Clubs
_See_ Clubs.
...
|
Words
_See_ Authors.
...
|
Work
All work and no play
Makes Jack surreptitiously gay.
"Wot cheer, Alf? Yer lookin' sick; wot is it?"
"Work! nuffink but w...
|
Worms
A country girl was home from college for the Christmas holidays and
the old folks were having a reception in her honor. During the e...
|
Yale University
The new cook, who had come into the household during the holidays,
asked her mistress:
"Where ban your son? I not seeing him roun...
|
Yonkers
An American took an Englishman to a theater. An actor in the farce,
about to die, exclaimed: "Please, dear wife, don't bury me in
Y...
|
"you"
Here's to the world, the merry old world,
To its days both bright and blue;
Here's to our future, be it what it may,
And h...
|
Jokes
|
Baby Turtle
A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very hi...
|
King Of The Jungle
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
"Who is mightiest of a...
|
What Type Of Snake
There where two snakes talking.
The 1st one said 'Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squ...
|
Prize Goat
Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air.
He got out, and started walking...
|
Octopus In The Bar
A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender "give us two beers over here!"
...
|
Smart Dog
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks ...
|
Panda In A Bar
A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders.
...
|
Insurance Salesman
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied.
"You can't affor...
|
Hot Air Ballon Ride
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and sh...
|
Cough Cure
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob...
|
Unusual Order
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:
$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!
When ...
|
The Lumberjack
A LARGE, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.
The very next day, a ...
|
Funeral Arrangements
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had be...
|
Romantic Food
Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an ann...
|
Expert In The Kitchen
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."
...
|
Child Custody
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother leaped to her fe...
|
How Old Am I?
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks o...
|
The Chastity Belt
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the mo...
|
Black Magic
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard d...
|
Asylum Fence
A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen!...
|
Hunting In The Jungle
Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it crashed. They were the only people who survived. They decided that starting the n...
|
Commercial Misfortune
This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remo...
|
Job Interview Cheat
Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, ...
|
Idiot Resuce
Once upon a time there were two men who had gone cliff climbing.
Suddenly, one man lost his footing and went tumbling down to the bo...
|
Blind Pilots
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get und...
|
Baking Funeral
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as "Brown-n-Serve," Fre...
|
Telesales
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phon...
|
If You Love Something
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours...
|
Bilingual Dog
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "You'll have to meet some strict requirements. ...
|
Animal Football Match
One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring...
|
The Honeymoon Is Over
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"We...
|
Before It Starts
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer be...
|
Turkey Roll
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now,"...
|
Visit The Sun
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.
The brunett...
|
Signal Man's Test
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The insp...
|
Calling In Sick
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing thei...
|
Like Georgia In Hell
A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge ...
|
Football Player Test
A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play...
|
History Of The Internet
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Do...
|
Not Another Virus
*** VIRUS ALERT ***
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes" delete it immediately. Do not open it! It will not only erase ...
|
Microsoft Tech Drafted
One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.
At the rifle range, he was gi...
|
Problems Printing Yellow
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just co...
|
Don't Confuse Mac's With Pc's
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I broug...
|
Computer Class Fun
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.
A fe...
|
Dinosaur Theory
OK, let's consider the physical evidence.
The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every...
|
Horse Power
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big ol...
|
The New Southern Santa
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.
Please read the following carefully.
I regret to inform you that, ...
|
How Many Babies?
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announce...
|
Cat On The Roof
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pi...
|
Minister For Drinks
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression, he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it a...
|
Scotsman At A Baseball Game
A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
The next ...
|
One Good Deed
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy i...
|
Stories Jokes
|
Absentmindedness
The man of the house finally took all the disabled umbrellas to the
repairer's. Next morning on his way to his office, when he got u...
|
Acquaintance
The Scotchman who ran a livery was asked by a tourist as to how many the
carryall would hold.
"Fower generally," was the answer. "L...
|
Actors
The tragedian had just signed a contract to tour South Africa. He told a
friend of it at the club. The friend shook his head dismally....
|
Advertising
The editor of the local paper was unable to secure advertising from one
of the business men of the town, who asserted stoutly that he ...
|
Affection
There are as many aspects of grief as there are persons to mourn. A
quality of pathetic and rather grisly humor is to be found in the
...
|
Alibi
The mother called in vain for her young son. Then she searched the
ground floor, the first story, the second, and the attic--all in va...
|
Amnesty
The nurse at the front regarded the wounded soldier with a puzzled
frown.
"Your face is perfectly familiar to me," she said, musing...
|
Anatomy
The little boy, sent to the butcher shop, delivered himself of his
message in these words:
"Ma says to send her another ox-tail, pl...
|
Appearance
Little Willie came home in a sad state. He had a black eye and numerous
scratches and contusions, and his clothes were a sight. His mo...
|
Appearances
The cross-eyed man at the ball bowed with courtly grace, and said:
"May I have the pleasure of this dance?"
Two wallflow...
|
Appetite
The young man applied to the manager of the entertainment museum for
employment as a freak, and the following dialogue occurred:
"W...
|
Appreciation
The distinguished actor had a large photograph of Wordsworth prominently
displayed in his dressing-room. A friend regarded the picture...
|
Argument
"Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell
over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed ...
|
Athletics
The sister spoke admiringly to the collegian who was calling on her
after field day, at which she had been present.
"And how they d...
|
Authors
A woman lion-hunter entertained a dinner party of distinguished authors.
These discoursed largely during the meal, and bored one anoth...
|
Babies
The visiting Englishman, with an eyeglass screwed to his eye, stared in
fascinated horror at the ugliest infant he had ever seen, whic...
|
Bait
A gentleman strolling alongside a canal observed an old negro and a
colored boy fishing. A moment later, a splash was heard. The boy h...
|
Baldness
A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was coming out.
"Won't you give me something to keep it in?" he begged.
"Take th...
|
Baptism
On the way to the baptism, the baby somehow loosened the stopper of his
bottle, with the result that the milk made a frightful mess ov...
|
Baptists
The old colored man left the Methodist Church and joined the Baptist.
Soon afterward, he encountered his former pastor, who inquired t...
|
Baseball
The teacher directed the class to write a brief account of a baseball
game. All the pupils were busy during the allotted time, except ...
|
Battle
_Teacher:_ "In which of his battles was King Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden
slain?"
_Pupil:_ "I'm pretty sure it was the last one."
...
|
Bears
The old trapper was chased by a grizzly. When he had thrown away
everything he carried, and found, nevertheless, that the bear was
ga...
|
Beer
The father of a school boy in New York City wrote to the boy's teacher a
letter of complaint. Possibly he welcomed the advent of
proh...
|
Beggars
The cultured maid servant announced to her mistress, wife of the
profiteer:
"If you please, ma'am, there's a mendicant at the door....
|
Beginners
A woman visitor to the city entered a taxicab. No sooner was the door
closed than the car leaped forward violently, and afterward went...
|
Betrothal
The cook, Nora, had announced her engagement to a frequenter at the
kitchen, named Mike. But a year passed and nothing was heard of th...
|
Bigamy
What is the penalty for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
* * *
The man was weak and natural...
|
Birth
The little girl in the zoölogical park tossed bits of a bun to the
stork, which gobbled them greedily, and bobbed its head toward her ...
|
Blessing
The philosopher, on being interrupted in his thoughts by the violent
cackling of a hen that had just laid an egg, was led to express h...
|
Blind
A shopkeeper with no conscience put by his door a box with a slit in the
cover and a label reading, "For the Blind." A month later, th...
|
Blindness
The sympathetic and inquisitive old lady at the seashore was delighted
and thrilled by an old sailor's narrative of how he was washed ...
|
Blockhead
The recruit complained to the sergeant that he'd got a splinter in his
finger.
"Ye should have more sinse," was the harsh comment, ...
|
Bone Of Contention
The crowd in the car was packed suffocatingly close. The timid passenger
thought of pickpockets, and thrust his hand into his pocket
...
|
Breakfast
The Southern Colonel at Saratoga Springs, in the days before
prohibition, directed the colored waiter at his table in the hotel:
"Y...
|
Brevity
The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars
was given by Mark Twain. His story was that when he had listene...
|
Bribery
A thriving baseball club is one of the features of a boy's organization
connected with a prominent church. The team was recently chall...
|
Brutality
Two ladies in a car disputed concerning the window, and at last called
the conductor as referee.
"If this window is open," one decl...
|
Burglary
A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presents
established their home in a suburb. One morning they received in the
...
|
Candor
Jeanette was wearing a new frock when her dearest friend called.
"I look a perfect fright," she remarked, eager for praise.
The d...
|
Calmness
In Bret Harte's _Mary McGillup_, there is a notable description of
calmness in most trying circumstances.
"'I have the honor of add...
|
Cards
A Tennessee farmer went to town and bought a gallon jug of whiskey. He
left it in the grocery store, and tagged it with a five of hear...
|
Carelessness
The housemaid, tidying the stairs the morning after a reception, found
lying there one of the solid silver teaspoons.
"My goodness ...
|
Caterpillars
The small boy sat at the foot of a telegraph pole, with a tin can in his
hands. The curious old gentleman gazed first at the lad and t...
|
Cats
Clarence, aged eight, was a member of the Band of Mercy, of his Sunday
School, which was a miniature society for the prevention of cru...
|
Charity
"Oh, mamma," questioned the child, "who's that?" He pointed to a nun who
was passing.
"A Sister of Charity," was the answer.
"Wh...
|
Chicken-stealing
The Southern planter heard a commotion in his poultry house late at
night. With shot gun in hand, he made his way to the door, flung i...
|
Christianity
A shipwrecked traveler was washed up on a small island. He was terrified
at thought of cannibals, and explored with the utmost stealth...
|
Christmas
A political boss wished to show his appreciation of the services of a
colored man who possessed considerable influence. He suggested t...
|
Church
The young members of the family had been taught to be punctilious in
contributing to the collection at church. One Sunday morning, whe...
|
Cleanliness
The little boy was clad in an immaculate white suit for the lawn party,
and his mother cautioned him strictly against soiling it. He w...
|
Community
The young man at the summer resort, who had become engaged to the pretty
girl, received information that led him to question her:
"...
|
Compensation
Isaac and Moses dined in a restaurant that was new to them, and were
pained seriously by the amount of the check. Moses began to expos...
|
Compliments
"Would you like a lock of my hair?" asked the gallant old bachelor of
the spinster who had been a belle a few decades past.
"Why do...
|
Concealment
The widow was deep in suds over the family wash, when she saw her pastor
coming up the path to the door. She gave directions to her yo...
|
Conceit
"I suppose I must admit that I do have my faults," the husband remarked
in a tone that was far from humble.
"Yes," the wife snapped...
|
Conscience
The child had been greatly impressed by her first experience in Sunday
school. She pressed her hands to her breast, and said solemnly ...
|
Constancy
His companion bent over the dying man, to catch the last faintly
whispered words. The utterance came with pitiful feebleness, yet with...
|
Conversion
A zealous church member in a Kentucky village made an earnest effort to
convert a particularly vicious old mountaineer named Jim, who ...
|
Cookery
The housewife gave the tramp a large piece of pie on condition that he
should saw some wood. The tramp retired to the woodshed, but pr...
|
Courtesy
The witness was obviously a rustic and quite new to the ways of a
court-room. So, the judge directed him:
"Speak to the jury, sir--...
|
Cowardice
The old farmer and his wife visited the menagerie. When they halted
before the hippopotamus cage, he remarked admiringly:
"Darn'd c...
|
Curiosity
The colored man, passing through the market, saw a turtle for the first
time, and surveyed it with great interest. The creature's head...
|
Damages
The child came to his mother in tears.
"Oh, mama," he confessed, "I broke a tile in the hearth."
"Never mind, dear," the mother c...
|
Danger
One foot in the grave, and the other slipping.
...
|
Dead Certainty
On Tuesday, a colored maid asked her mistress for permission to be
absent on the coming Friday. She explained that she wished to atten...
|
Dead Men's Shoes
When a certain officer of the governor's staff died, there were many
applicants for the post, and some were indecently impatient. Whil...
|
Deafness
In the smoking-room of a theatre, between the acts, an amiable young man
addressed an elderly gentleman who was seated beside him:
...
|
Dedication
The visitor to the poet's wife expressed her surprise that the man of
genius had failed to dedicate any one of his volumes to the said...
|
Definition
The schoolboy, after profound thought, wrote this definition of the word
"spine," at his teacher's request.
"A spine is a long, lim...
|
Degrees In Degradation
Phil May, the artist, when once down on his luck in Australia, took a
job as waiter in a very low-class restaurant. An acquaintance ca...
|
Delay
A woman in the mountains of Tennessee was seated in the doorway of the
cabin, busily eating some pig's feet. A neighbor hurried up to ...
|
Devil
Some wasps built their nests during the week in a Scotch clergyman's
best breeches. On the Sabbath as he warmed up to his preaching, t...
|
Diet
The young lady, who was something of a food fadist, was on a visit to a
coast fishing village. She questioned her host as to the gener...
|
Digestion
In an English school, the examiner asked one of the children to name the
products of the Indian Empire. The child was well prepared, b...
|
Diplomacy
"Now, let me see," the impecunious man demanded as he buttonholed an
acquaintance, "do I owe you anything?"
"Not a penny, my dear s...
|
Dirt
We are more particular nowadays about cleanliness than were those of a
past generation. Charles Lamb, during a whist game, remarked to...
|
Discipline
Jimmy found much to criticise in his small sister. He felt forced to
remonstrate with his mother.
"Don't you want Jenny to be a goo...
|
Discretion
The kindly and inquisitive old gentleman was interested in the messenger
boy who sat on the steps of a house, and toyed delicately wit...
|
Divorce
The court was listening to the testimony of the wife who sought a
divorce.
"Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "wha...
|
Doctors
A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known physician to be
examined. The doctor, after careful questioning, assured the pat...
|
Doctrine
In a former generation, when elaborate doctrines were deemed more
important by Christian clergymen than they are to-day, they were pro...
|
Documentary Evidence
During the worst of the spy-scare period in London a man was brought
into the police station, who declared indignantly that he was a
...
|
Dogs
The tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the wayside, munching
at some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, out walking wit...
|
Domestic Quarrels
After a trip abroad, a lady inquired of her colored washerwoman:
"Lucy, do you and your husband quarrel now the same as you used to?...
|
Doubt
Small Jimmie discussed with his chief crony the minister's sermon which
had dealt with the sheep and the goats.
"Me," he concluded,...
|
Drama
The new play was a failure. After the first act, many left the theatre;
at the end of the second, most of the others started out. A cy...
|
Dreams
The group of dwellers at the seaside was discussing the subject of
dreams and their significance. During a pause, one of the party tur...
|
Dress
"Oh, have you heard? Mrs. Blaunt died to-day while trying on a new
dress."
"How sad! What was it trimmed with?"
...
|
Drink
It was nine o'clock in the morning, but this particular passenger on the
platform of the trolley car still wore a much crumpled evenin...
|
Drugged
The police physician was called to examine an unconscious prisoner, who
had been arrested and brought to the station-house for drunken...
|
Duty
The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed
to the conductor:
"Can't you go any faster than this?"
"Y...
|
Easy Living
The Southerner in the North, while somewhat mellow, discoursed
eloquently of conditions in his home state. He concluded in a burst of
...
|
Economy
One Japanese bragged to another that he made a fan last twenty years by
opening only a fourth section, and using this for five years, ...
|
Efficiency
In these days of difficulty in securing domestic servants, mistresses
will accept almost any sort of help, but there are limits. A wom...
|
Eggs
The farmer decided to give special attention to the development of his
poultry yard, and he undertook the work carefully and systemati...
|
Egotism
The pessimist spoke mournfully to his friend:
"It is only to me that such misfortunes happen."
"What's the matter now?"
The pe...
|
Elephant
A circus man was scouring the countryside in search of an elephant that
had escaped from the menagerie and wandered off. He inquired o...
|
Elopement
Some months after the elopement, an old friend met the bridegroom, and
asked eagerly for details.
"What about her father? Did he ca...
|
Enough
The darky's clothes were in the last stages of dilapidation, and he wore
open work shoes, but his face was radiant, and he whistled me...
|
Epitaph
In an Irish cemetery stands a handsome monument with an inscription
which runs thus:
"This monument is erected to the memory of Jam...
|
Evidence
The prisoner, a darky, explained how it came about that he had been
arrested for chicken-stealing:
"I didn't hab no trouble wiv de ...
|
Exclusiveness
One of the New York churches is notorious for its exclusiveness. A
colored man took a fancy to the church, and promptly told the minis...
|
Expectancy
An Irishman on a scaffolding four stories high heard the noon whistle.
But when he would have descended, he found that the ladder had ...
|
Expense Account
The woman wrote a reference for her discharged cook as follows:
"Maggie Flynn has been employed by me for a month. She is an excelle...
|
Experience
The baby pulled brother's hair until he yelled from the pain of it. The
mother soothed the weeping boy:
"Of course, she doesn't kno...
|
Experts
There was a chicken-stealing case before the court. The colored culprit
pleaded guilty and was duly sentenced. But the circumstances o...
|
Explicitness
On her return home after an absence of a few hours, the mother was
displeased to find that little Emma, who was ailing, had not taken ...
|
Extravagance
A rich and listless lady patron examined the handbags in a leading
jeweler's shop in New York City. The clerk exhibited one bag five i...
|
Facts
The burly man spoke lucidly to his gangling adversary:
"You're a nincompoop, a liar and hoss-thief."
The other man protested, wit...
|
Fashion
After years of endeavor in poverty, the inventor made a success, and
came running home with pockets bulging real money. He joyously st...
|
Favors
At the village store, the young farmer complained bitterly.
"Old Si Durfee wants me to be one of the pall-bearers once more at his
...
|
Fighting
The boy hurried home to his father with an announcement:
"Me and Joe Peck had a fight to-day."
The father nodded gravely.
"Mr....
|
Finance
A very black little girl made her way into the presence of the lady of
the house, and with much embarrassment, but very clearly, expla...
|
Financiers
"My pa, he's a financier," boasted one small boy to another.
"'Tain't much to brag of," the other sneered. "My pa an' uncle Jack are...
|
Fishing
The congressman from California was telling at dinner in the hotel of
tuna fishing.
"Just run out in a small motor boat," he explai...
|
Flattery
An eminent statesman was being driven rapidly by his chauffeur, when the
car struck and killed a dog that leaped in front of it. At th...
|
Fleas
The debutante was alarmed over the prospect of being taken in to dinner
by the distinguished statesman.
"Whatever can we talk about...
|
Flirtation
The gentleman at the party, who was old enough to know better, turned to
another guest, who had just paused beside him:
"Women are ...
|
Flood
The breakfaster in the cheap restaurant tried to make conversation with
the man beside him at the counter.
"Awful rainy spell--like...
|
Flowers
Gilbert wrote a couplet concerning--
"An attachment _à la_ Plato
For a bashful young potato."
Such suggestion is a...
|
Follies
A wise old Quaker woman once said that men were guilty of three most
astonishing follies. The first was the climbing of trees to shake...
|
Food
The Arctic explorer at a reception on his return gave an informal talk
concerning his experiences. He explained that a point further n...
|
Forehandedness
The highly efficient housewife bragged that she always rose early, and
had every bed in the house made before anybody else in the hous...
|
Foresight
The master directed that the picture should be hung on the east wall;
the mistress preferred the west wall.
The servant drove the n...
|
Forgetfulness
The foreman of a Southern mill, who was much troubled by the
shiftlessness of his colored workers, called sharply to two of the men
s...
|
Form
The traveler wrote an indignant letter to the officials of the railroad
company, giving full details as to why he had sat up in the sm...
|
Fraud
The hired man on a New England farm went on his first trip to the city.
He returned wearing a scarf pin set with at least four carats ...
|
Friendship
The kindly lady accosted the little boy on the beach, who stood with
downcast head, and grinding his toes into the sand and looking ve...
|
French
An American tourist in France found that he had a two hours' wait for
his train at a junction, and set out to explore the neighborhood...
|
Fussiness
The traveler in the Blue Ridge Mountains made his toilet as best he
could with the aid of the hand basin on its bench by the cabin doo...
|
Gender
It is quite possible to trap clergymen, as well as laymen, with the
following question, because they are not always learned in the Old...
|
Gentleman
There has been much controversy for years as to the proper definition of
the much abused word "gentleman." Finally, by a printer's err...
|
Geography
The airman, after many hours of thick weather, had lost his bearings
completely. Then it cleared and he was able to make a landing.
N...
|
Ghosts
There was a haunted house down South which was carefully avoided by all
the superstitious negroes. But a new arrival in the community,...
|
God's Will
The clergyman was calling, when the youthful son and heir approached his
mother proudly, and exhibited a dead rat. As she shrank in re...
|
Golf
The eminent English Statesman Arbuthnot-Joyce plays golf so badly that
he prefers a solitary round with only the caddy present. He had...
|
Grace
The son and heir had just been confirmed. At the dinner table, following
the church service, the father called on his son to say grace...
|
Grammar
The passing lady mistakenly supposed that the woman shouting from a
window down the street was calling to the little girl minding baby...
|
Grass
The auctioneer, offering the pasture lot for sale, waved his hand
enthusiastically, pointed toward the rich expanse of herbage, and
s...
|
Greed
An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later,
the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing ...
|
Grief
At the wake, the bereaved husband displayed all the evidences of frantic
grief. He cried aloud heart-rendingly, and tore his hair. The...
|
Habit
It was the bridegroom's third matrimonial undertaking, and the bride's
second. When the clergyman on whom they had called for the cere...
|
Hair
The school girl from Avenue A, who had just learned that the notorious
Gorgon sisters had snakes for hair, chewed her gum thoughtfully...
|
Hard To Please
The rather ferocious-appearing husband who had taken his wife to the
beach for a holiday scowled heavily at an amateur photographer, a...
|
Haste
The colored man was condemned to be hanged, and was awaiting the time
set for execution in a Mississippi jail. Since all other efforts...
|
Hearsay
The convicted feudist was working for a pardon. It was reported to him
that the opposing clan was pulling wires against him, and sprea...
|
Heaven
The clergyman in the following story probably did not mean exactly what
he said, though, human nature being what it is, maybe it was t...
|
Help
The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor who
chanced along inquired:
"How's that new hand o' your'n?"
...
|
Helpfulness
Many a mayor is a friend to the people--just like his honor in the
following story.
A taxpayer entered the office of the water regi...
|
Hereafter
This is the dialogue between a little girl and a little boy:
"What are you bawling about, Jimmie?"
"I'm cryin' because maw has we...
|
Heredity
The woman, who had a turn-up nose and was somewhat self-conscious
concerning it, bought a new pug dog, and petted it so fondly as to
...
|
High Prices
Two men were talking together in the Public Library. One of them said:
"The dime novel has gone. I wonder where it's gone to?"
Th...
|
Hindsight
Mike, the hod-carrier, was still somewhat fuddled when he arose Monday
morning, with the result that he put on his overalls wrong side...
|
Hinting
A Kansas editor hit on the following gentle device for dunning
delinquent subscribers to the paper:
"There i$ a little matter that ...
|
History
The faculty were arranging the order of examinations. It was agreed that
the harder subjects should be placed first in the list. It wa...
|
Hogs
The professor and his wife were doubtful about returning to the farm on
which they had passed the previous summer, because they had be...
|
Holding His Own
The farmer, after seven years of effort on the stony farm, announced to
all and sundry:
"Anyhow, I'm holdin' my own. I hadn't nothi...
|
Home Brew
The young man had offered his heart and hand to the fair damsel.
"Before giving you my decision," she said sweetly, "I wish to ask y...
|
Homesickness
One of our volunteers in the late war lost some of his first enthusiasm
under the bitter experience of campaigning. One night at the f...
|
Honeymoon
The newly married pair were stopping in a hotel. The bride left the
groom in their room while she went out on a brief shopping expedit...
|
Honorable Intentions
A certain man notorious for his slowness paid attention for two years to
a young lady, without coming to the point. The girl's father ...
|
Hospital
Little Mary, who had fallen ill, begged for a kitten. It was found that
an operation was necessary for the child's cure, and that she ...
|
Hospitality
The good wife apologized to her unexpected guests for serving the apple
pie without cheese. The little boy of the family slipped quiet...
|
Humbug
Two boys once thought to play a trick on Charles Darwin. They took the
body of a centipede, the wings of a butterfly, the legs of a gr...
|
Humidity
The little boy had been warned repeatedly against playing on the lawn
when it was damp. Saturday evening, his father heard him recite ...
|
Humility
The slow suitor asked:
"Elizabeth, would you like to have a puppy?"
"Oh, Edward," the girl gushed, "how delightfully humble of yo...
|
Hunger
"That woman never turns away a hungry man."
"Ah, genuinely charitable!"
"Hardly that. She says, 'Are you so hungry you want to sa...
|
Hunting
An amateur sportsman spent the day with dog and gun, but brought home no
game. A friend twitted him with his failure:
"Didn't you s...
|
Identity
The paying teller told mournfully of his experience with a strange woman
who appeared at his wicket to have a check cashed.
"But, m...
|
Idioms
The foreigner, who prided himself on his mastery of colloquial
expressions in English, was speaking of the serious illness of a
disti...
|
Illustration
Pat was set to work with the circular saw during his first day at the
saw mill. The foreman gave careful instructions how to guard aga...
|
Impatience
An acquaintance encountered in the village inquired of Farmer Jones
concerning his wife, who was seriously ill. That worthy scowled an...
|
Impudence
The ice on the river was in perfect condition. A small boy, with his
skates on his arm, knocked at the door of the Civil War veteran, ...
|
Indirection
The bashful suitor finally nerved himself to the supreme effort:
"Er--Jenny, do you--think--er--your mother might--er--seriously
co...
|
Inheritance
A lawyer made his way to the edge of the excavation where a gang was
working, and called the name of Timothy O'Toole.
"Who's wantin...
|
Initiative
The sweet little girl had a violent tussle with her particular chum. Her
mother reprimanded her, and concluded by saying:
"It was S...
|
Injustice
The child sat by the road bawling loudly. A passer-by asked him what was
the matter.
"My ma, she's gone and drowned the kittens," t...
|
Innocence
A little girl four years old was alone in the nursery with the door
closed and fastened when her little brother arrived and expressed ...
|
Inquisitiveness
In the smoking car, one of the passengers had an empty coatsleeve. The
sharer of his seat was of an inquisitive turn, and after a vain...
|
Insomnia
The man suffering from insomnia quite often makes a mistake in calling
the doctor, when what he needs is the preacher.
...
|
Insult
The young wife greeted her husband tearfully on his return from the
day's work.
"Oh, Willie, darling," she gasped, "I have been so ...
|
Insurance
The woman at the insurance office inquired as to the costs, amounts
paid, etc.
"So," she concluded, "if I pay five dollars, you pay...
|
Intermission
During a lecture, Artemas Ward once startled the crowd of listeners by
announcing a fifteen-minute intermission. After contemplating t...
|
Inventors
The profiteer, skimming over the advertisements in his morning paper,
looked across the damask and silver and cut glass at his wife, a...
|
Items
The painter was required to render an itemized bill for his repairs on
various pictures in a convent. The statement was as follows:
...
|
Jokes
The joke maker's association had a feast. They exploited their humorous
abilities, and all made merry, save one glum guest. At last, t...
|
Kinship
The urchin was highly excited, and well he might be when we consider his
explanation:
"They got twins up to sisters. One twin, he's...
|
Kisses
The bridegroom, who was in a horribly nervous condition, appealed to the
clergyman in a loud whisper, at the close of the ceremony:
...
|
Kissing
The subject of kissing was debated with much earnestness for a half hour
between the girl and her young man caller. The fellow insiste...
|
Laughter
Josh Billings said:
"Laff every time yu pheel tickled--and laff once in a while enny how."
LAW
The lawyer explained to the c...
|
Lawyers
There was a town jail, and there was a county jail. The fact was worth
forty dollars to the lawyer who was approached by an old darky ...
|
Legerdemain
"What did you do last night?"
"I went to a slight-of-hand performance. Called on Laura Sears, and
offered her my hand, and she slig...
|
Lent
"Did you give up anything during Lent?" one man asked another.
"Yes," was the reply, uttered with a heavy sigh. "I gave up fifty
do...
|
Liars
The World War has incited veterans of the Civil War to new reminiscences
of old happenings. One of these is based on the fact that fur...
|
Lies
A certain famous preacher when preaching one Sunday in the summer time
observed that many among the congregation ware drowsing. Sudden...
|
Lightning
The woman was strong-minded, and she was religious, and she was also
afflicted with a very feminine fear of thunder storms. She was
d...
|
Lisp
The kindergarten teacher questioned her tiny pupil:
"Do you know, Jennie, what a panther is?"
"Yeth, ma'am," Jennie replied, beam...
|
Literal
The class had been told by the teacher to write compositions in which
they must not attempt any flights of fancy, but should only stat...
|
Literalness
The visitor from the city stopped in at the general store of the
village, and inquired:
"Have you anything in the shape of automobi...
|
Logic
The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before
the gooseberry bush in the garden. She noted that his expressio...
|
Loquacity
The two old Scotchmen played a round of seventeen holes without a word
exchanged between them. As they came to the eighteenth green, S...
|
Love
The philosopher calmly defined the exact difference between life and
love:
"Life is just one fool thing after another: love is just...
|
Love Me Love Me Not
The little girl came in tears to her mother.
"God doesn't love me," she sobbed.
"Of course, God loves you," the mother declared. ...
|
Luck
The pessimist quoted from his own experience at poker in illustration of
the general cussedness of things:
"Frequent, I have sot in...
|
Lunacy
The lunatic peered over the asylum wall, and saw a man fishing from the
bank of the river that ran close by. It was raining hard, whic...
|
Luxury
The retired colonel, who had seen forty years of active service, gave
his body servant, long his orderly, explicit instructions:
"E...
|
Lying
The juryman petitioned the court to be excused, declaring:
"I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed, and as he is leaving
t...
|
Maidens
"I wish I could know how many men will be made wretched when I get
married," said the languishing coquette to her most intimate confid...
|
Maiden Speech
The unhappy man explained the cause of his wretchedness:
"I've never made a speech in my life. But last night at the dinner at
the ...
|
Manners
It is told of Prince Herbert Bismarck that at a reception in the Royal
Palace in Berlin he rudely jostled a high dignitary of the Ital...
|
Marksmanship
During the Saturday night revels in a frontier town, the scrawniest and
skinniest beanpole-type citizen got shot in the leg. The only ...
|
Marriage
Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.
* * *
The mild little husband was appealing...
|
Merit
Mrs. Rafferty stopped to address Mrs. Flannagan, who was standing at
ease in the door of the tenement. She spoke with an air of fine p...
|
Military Discipline
The raw recruit was on sentry duty. He had a piece of pie, which he had
brought from the canteen, and proceeded to enjoy it. Just then...
|
Miscellany
It is related concerning a sofa, belonging to a man blessed (?) with
seven daughters, all unmarried, which was sent to the upholsterer...
|
Mistaken Identity
The raw Irishman was told by the farmer for whom he worked that the
pumpkins in the corn patch were mule's eggs, which only needed som...
|
Mismated
A Texas lad, lacking a team of horses or oxen or mules for his
ploughing, engaged his sister to direct the plough, while he yoked
him...
|
Mixed Metaphors
A babu, or native clerk, in India, who prided himself on his mastery of
the English tongue and skill in its idioms, sent the following...
|
Modesty
A British journalist, in an article on Sir Henry Irving for a London
weekly wrote:
"I was his guest regularly at all Lyceum first n...
|
Money Talks
The disreputable-looking panhandler picked out an elderly gentleman of
most benevolent aspect and made a plea for a small financial
c...
|
Money Value
A well-known millionaire entertained Edward Everett Hale with other
guests at a dinner. The host was not only hospitable, but wished e...
|
Monogamy
The wives of the savage chief questioned the wife of the missionary:
"And you never let your husband beat you?"
"Certainly not," ...
|
Monotony
The son of the house addressed his mother wistfully.
"I'm going to have a little sister some day, ain't I?"
"Why, dear, do you wa...
|
Morality
The more-or-less-religious woman was deeply shocked when the new
neighbors sent over on Sunday morning to borrow her lawn-mower.
"T...
|
Mosquitoes
The visitor from another state talked so much concerning the size and
fierceness of New Jersey mosquitoes that his host became somewha...
|
Motto
Two men walking along Avenue A in New York City observed a dingy saloon,
in the window of which was a framed sign, reading:
"_Ici o...
|
Music
Artemas Ward said:
"When I am sad, I sing, and then others are sad with me."
* * *
The...
|
Neatness
The Japanese are remarkably tidy in the matter of floors. They even
remove their shoes at the doorway. A Japanese student in New York ...
|
Neighbors
It was a late hour when the hostess at the reception requested the
eminent basso to sing.
"It is too late, madam," he protested. "I...
|
Nerves
The older sister rebuked the younger when putting her to bed for being
cross and ill tempered throughout the day. After she had been n...
|
Nightmare
"And you say you have the same nightmare every night," the doctor
inquired. "What is it?"
The suffering man answered:
"I dream t...
|
Nomenclature
The young son of a mountaineer family in North Carolina had visited for
the first time in the town twelve miles from home, and had eat...
|
Obstinacy
The old mountaineer and his wife arrived at a railway station, and for
the first time in their lives beheld a train of cars, which was...
|
Omen
The great pugilist was superstitious and fond of lobster. When the
waiter served one with a claw missing, he protested. The waiter
ex...
|
Optical Illusion
The sergeant rebuked the private angrily:
"Jenkins, why haven't you shaved this morning?"
"Why, ain't I shaved?" the private excl...
|
Optimism
The day laborer was of a cheerful disposition that naturally inclined to
seek out the good in every situation. He was a genuine optimi...
|
Orientation
John B. Gough was fond of telling of a laird and his servant Sandy. The
two were on their way home on horseback late at night, and bot...
|
Outworn
Tiny Clara heard her mother say that a neighboring lady had a new baby.
The tot puzzled over the matter, and at last sought additional...
|
Paradox
The amiable old lady was overheard talking to herself as she left the
church along with the crowd that had attended the services:
"...
|
Pastoral
Burdette quotes as follows a year's statistics of parochial work, as
compiled by a young curate:
"Preached 104 sermons, 18 mortuary...
|
Patriotism
The Scotchman returned to his native town, Peebles, after a first visit
to London. He told the neighbors enthusiastically of his many ...
|
Peace
The mourning widow caused a tender sentiment to be chiseled on the
headstone of her husband's grave. The exact wording was as follows:...
|
Peacemaker
The father was telling at the table of a row between two men in which he
had interfered. One had swung a shovel aloft, shouting, "I'll...
|
Pension
The usual details in administration of the pension laws are not amusing,
but occasionally even here a bit of humor creeps in to reliev...
|
Pessimism
The energetic New England woman addressed her hired girl in a
discouraged tone:
"Here it is Monday morning and to-morrow will be Tu...
|
Philanthropy
"I hear that Mrs. Brewster hasn't paid her servants any wages for a
number of months," remarked one lady to another in a suburban town...
|
Phonetics
Little Willie questioned his grandmother with an appearance of great
seriousness:
"Ain't Rotterdam the name of a city, Gramma?"
...
|
Physiology
The teacher explained to her young pupils some facts concerning various
organs of the body, including the eye as the organ of sight, t...
|
Plain Speaking
The new maid was talkative, and related some of her experiences in
service.
"You seem to have had a good many situations," was the ...
|
Playing Possum
"No, suh," the ancient negro asserted, with a melancholy shaking of his
bald head, "dar hain't no trustin' a 'possum. Once on a time, ...
|
Plumber
The plumber at many dollars a day could afford a little persiflage with
the cook in the kitchen where he was theoretically repairing t...
|
Poetry
The evil effects of decadent verse is unintentionally told in the
following extract from a Hindu's letter to the authorities requestin...
|
Point Of View
A couple from Boston spent a winter in Augusta, Georgia. During the
period of their visit, they became fond of an old colored woman, a...
|
Poker
Tommy Atkins and a doughboy sat in a poker game together somewhere in
France. The Britisher held a full house, the American four of a ...
|
Politeness
The little girl in the car was a pest. She crossed the aisle to devote
herself to a dignified fat man, to his great annoyance. She ask...
|
Politics
The little boy interrupted his father's reading of the paper with a
petition.
"Please, Daddy, tell me the story about the Forty Thi...
|
Population
Someone asked a darky from Richmond who was visiting in the North as to
the population of the city.
"Ah don't edzakly know, suh," w...
|
Postal
It is human nature to take an interest in the affairs of others. The
fact has been amply demonstrated by innumerable postmasters and
...
|
Praise
One negro workman was overheard talking to another:
"I'se yoh frien'. I jest tole the fohman, when he say dat nigger Sam
ain't fit ...
|
Prayer
The Dutchman still retained a strong accent, although he had been in the
country forty years, and was a churchwarden. When the rector ...
|
Preacher
A colored deacon who was the leader in a congregation down South, wrote
to the bishop to explain the need of a minister for the church...
|
Precaution
When the colored couple were being married by the clergyman, and the
words, "love, honor and obey" were spoken, the bridegroom interru...
|
Precocity
The playwright rushed up to the critic at the club.
"I've had a terrible misfortune," he announced. "My little
three-year-old boy g...
|
Prematureness
Ikey saw his friend Jakey in the smoking-car when he entered, and sat
down in the same seat.
"How was that fire in your place last ...
|
Preparedness
The small boy was directed to soak his feet in salt water to toughen
them. He considered the matter thoughtfully, and then remarked to...
|
Pride
The little boy was greatly elated when informed by his mother that the
liveliness of her hair as she combed it was caused by electrici...
|
Precociousness
A stranger rang the door-bell. Little eight-year-old Willie Jones opened
the door.
"Is Mr. Jones in?" the caller inquired.
Littl...
|
Prison Reform
The society matron explained the necessity for immediate reform in
conditions at the State Penitentiary:
"Nowadays, there are such ...
|
Privilege
The tenderfoot in the mining town was watching a poker game for heavy
stakes, when he saw the dealer give himself four aces from the b...
|
Procrastination
The Southern darky is usually willing enough, but painfully dilatory in
accomplishment. The foreman of a quarry called to Zeb, the gen...
|
Profanity
The longshoreman was indulging in a fit of temper, which he interpreted
in a burst of language that shocked the lady passing by. She r...
|
Profiteers
The wife of the profiteer discoursed largely on the luxuries of the new
country estate.
"And, of course," she vouchsafed, "we have ...
|
Progress
The cottager was crippled by rheumatism, and the kindly clergyman taught
him his letters, and put him through the primer and into the ...
|
Prohibition
The objector to prohibition spoke bitterly:
"Water has killed more folks than liquor ever did."
"You are raving," declared the de...
|
Prolific
The woman teacher in a New York School was interested in the
announcement by a little girl pupil that she had a new baby brother.
"...
|
Pronunciation
The parson's daughter spoke pleasantly, but with a hint of rebuke, to
one of her father's humble parishioners:
"Good morning, Giles...
|
Proof
_Shopper:_--"Are these eggs fresh?"
_Apprentice:_--"Yes, ma'am, they be."
_Shopper:_--"How long since they were laid?"
_Appren...
|
Property
The indignant householder held up before the policeman the dead cat that
had been lying by the curb three days.
"What am I to do wi...
|
Providence
The _babu_ explained with great politeness the complete failure of a
young American member of the shooting party in India to bag any g...
|
Prudence
Sandy MacTavish was a guest at a christening party in the home of a
fellow Scot whose hospitality was limited only by the capacity of ...
|
Punishment
The school teacher, after writing to the mother of a refractory pupil,
received this note in reply:
"Dear miss, you writ me about w...
|
Puns
"What is your name?" demanded the judge of the prisoner in the Municipal
Court.
"Locke Smith," was the answer, and the man made a b...
|
Puzzle
The humorist offered his latest invention in the way of a puzzle to the
assembly of guests in the drawing-room:
"Can you name an an...
|
Quarrelsome
The applicant for the position of cook explained to the lady why she had
left her last place:
"To tell the truth, mum, I just could...
|
Questions
It was a rule of the club that anyone asking a question which he himself
could not answer must pay a fine. One of the members presente...
|
Railroad
A railroad was opened through a remote region, and on the first run over
the line, the engineer overtook a country boy riding his hors...
|
Recognition
The office telephone was out of order. An employee of the company was
sent to make repairs. After a period of labor, he suggested to t...
|
Reform
Abe Jones was a colored man who made a living by chicken-stealing. He
was converted at a camp meeting. When the elder was receiving
t...
|
Reliability
The Southern lady saw old 'Rastus setting out with his fishing tackle
for a day on the river, and she deemed it a fitting time to rebu...
|
Repentance
"When the Devil was sick, the Devil a monk would be: When the Devil was
well, the devil a monk was he."
...
|
Repetition
The little girl had been naughty in school. By way of punishment, she
was directed by the teacher to remain in her seat after the sess...
|
Resignation
The physician, afer an examination, addressed the wife of the sick man
in a tone of grave finality:
"I am afraid your husband is be...
|
Revolution
At a reception given by the Daughters of the Revolution in New York City
appeared a woman from one of the Latin-American States. She w...
|
Reward Of Merit
A very tidy young man was distressed by his wife's carelessness in
attire at home. He was especially annoyed by a torn skirt, which hi...
|
Reward Of Virtue
The little boy put a serious question to his mother:
"Please, mama, tell me: If I'm a good boy, and I die, and go to heaven,
will G...
|
Ruling Passion
Noah Webster, the maker of the dictionary, carried his exact knowledge
as to the meaning of words into ordinary speech. A story told o...
|
Safety First
"Come over here!" called a friend to an intoxicated citizen whom he saw
across the street.
The man addressed blinked and shook his ...
|
Sanity
It is a matter of uncommon knowledge that personal perfection is a most
trying thing to live with. In the United States recently, a wo...
|
Sarcasm
The noted story-teller at a dinner party related an anecdote, and was at
first gratified by the hearty laughter of an old lady among t...
|
Saving
A servant, who indulged in sprees during which he spent all his money,
was advised by his master to save against a rainy day. A week l...
|
Schedule
Cooks' tourists travel exactly according to schedule. The following
conversation was overheard in Rome between a mother and daughter:
...
|
Seasickness
On the first morning of the voyage, the vessel ran into a nasty choppy
sea, which steadily grew worse. There were twenty-five passenge...
|
Sectarian
Once upon a time a coach was held up by a road-agent. The driver
explained to the robber that his only passenger was a man, who was
a...
|
Self-betrayal
The old lady was very aristocratic, but somewhat prim and precise.
Nevertheless, when the company had been telling of college pranks, ...
|
Sermon
The aged colored clergyman, who made up in enthusiasm what he lacked in
education, preached a sermon on the verse of the Psalm, "Awake...
|
Scapegoat
Cousin Willie, aged ten, came for a visit to Johnnie, aged twelve.
Johnnie's mother directed him to take the visitor out to play with ...
|
Sheep And Goats
The little girl was deeply impressed by the clergyman's sermon as to the
separation of the sheep and the goats. That night after she h...
|
Shiftlessness
The shiftless man, who preferred reading to labor, closed the book on
French history, which he had been perusing with great interest, ...
|
Shipwreck
The new member of the club listened with solemn interest to the various
stories that were told in the smoking room. They were good sto...
|
Slander
The business man's wife, who had called at his office, regarded the
pretty young stenographer with a baleful eye.
"You told me that...
|
Slavery
A traveler in the South chatted with an aged negro, whom he met in the
road.
"And I suppose you were once a slave?" he remarked.
...
|
Smells
An argument arose among a number of British officers during their time
of service in the Dardanelles, and wagers were made among them....
|
Social Uplift
The somewhat unpleasant person, who was a social worker, completed her
call on a dweller in the tenement district, and rose to depart....
|
Spanking
Back in those days when corporal punishment was permitted to teachers, a
minor teacher named Miss Bings complained to one of her super...
|
Speed
In the business college, the instructor addressed the new class
concerning the merits of shorthand. In his remarks, he included this
...
|
Spelling
Some time before Mr. Taft became President of the United States, he took
an extended trip in the mountains of West Virginia. On one oc...
|
Spinsterhood
The old colored mammy took advantage of a wedding announcement to
question her mistress, who remained a spinster still though approach...
|
Spite
The faithful old employee asked for a day off. The request was granted,
with an inquiry as to what he intended to do on his holiday.
...
|
Sportsmanship
In the party out after reed birds was a tyro at the sport. When at last
he saw one of the birds walking about, he plumped down on his ...
|
Spring
The teacher talked on the four seasons, telling how in the spring the
new life comes to the earth, with the growth of grasses and leav...
|
Stammering
On the occasion of a most interesting family event, Mr. Peedle, who
desired a son, paced the drawing-room in extreme agitation, until ...
|
Style
Two old friends met, and immediately found that they were equally
devoted to motoring. After a discussion of their various cars, one
...
|
Sunday School
The young lady worker for the Sunday school called on the newly wedded
pair.
"I am endeavoring to secure new scholars," she explain...
|
Superman
It is told of Mrs. Gladstone that a number of ladies in her drawing-room
once became engaged in earnest discussion of a difficult prob...
|
Superstition
The superstitious sporting editor of the paper condemned the "Horse
Fair" by Rosa Bonheur.
"Just look at those white horses!" he ex...
|
Suspense
The passionate lover wrote to his inamorata as follows:
"Adored of my soul:--If you love me, wear a red rose in your corsage
to-nig...
|
Suspicion
The eminent politicians of opposing parties met on a train, and during
their chat discovered that they agreed concerning primaries.
...
|
Sympathy
A tramp devised a new scheme for working on the sympathy of the
housewife. After ringing the front door bell, he got on his knees, and...
|
Tact
The senator from Utah was able to disarm by flattery the resentment of a
woman at a reception in Washington, who upbraided him for tha...
|
Talking Machine
Many a man who has suffered from tongue-lashings at home will be moved
to profound sympathy for the victim described as follows in a l...
|
Tar And Feathers
The victim of the Klu Klux Klan plucked some feathers from his neck with
one hand, while he picked gingerly at the tar on his legs wit...
|
Taste
A noted humorist once spent a few weeks with a tribe of western Indians.
On his return, he was asked concerning his experiences. One q...
|
Tears
The kind lady stopped to tell the sobbing little girl not to cry, and
she offered as a convincing argument:
"You know it makes litt...
|
Tender Memories
"Please tell me, James," directed the young lady teacher, "where
shingles were first used?"
"I could, ma'am," little Jimmie replied...
|
Terminology
When the bishop was entertained at an English country house, the butler
coached carefully the new boy who was to carry up the jug of h...
|
Testimony
Paul Smith, the famous hotel-keeper in the Adirondacks, told of a law
suit that he had with a man named Jones in Malone.
"It was th...
|
Threat
The mother, who was a believer in strict discipline, sternly addressed
her little daughter, who sat wofully shrinking in the dentist's...
|
Thrift
A Scotchman was questioned by a friend:
"Mac, I hear ye have fallen in love wi' bonny Kate McAllister."
"Weel, Sanders," Mac repl...
|
Time Flies
The ardent lover heard the clock strike the hours--first nine, then ten,
then eleven. At the sound of twelve strokes, he burst forth
...
|
Tit For Tat
The prize bull-dog attacked a farmer, who defended himself with a
pitchfork, and in doing so killed the dog. The owner was greatly
di...
|
Tobacco
The native pointed with pride to two doddering ancients hobbling
painfully down the village street, and informed the stranger:
"The...
|
Toilette Details
The little girl who had observed certain details in the toilette
preparations of her elders, was observed by her mother at work over h...
|
Tongue
An old lady in the London parish of the famous Doctor Gill made a
nuisance of herself by constant interference in the affairs of other...
|
Treachery
The Italian workman in the West was warned to look out for rattlesnakes.
He was assured, however, that a snake would never strike unti...
|
Treasure Trove
An old negro, who had almost attained the century mark, nearly blind,
almost completely disabled, without friends, relations, or money...
|
Trial
The colored man was before the court, accused of horse-stealing. The
prosecuting attorney read the indictment sternly, and then asked:...
|
Triplets
When the domestic event was due, the prospective father, being ordered
out of the house, celebrated the occasion with many friends in ...
|
Truth-tellers
The little girl evidently appreciated the fact that all men and women
are liars, for _Punch_ records the following as the dialogue bet...
|
Typographical Error
The woman lecturing on dress reform was greatly shocked when she read
the report as published in the local paper. The writer had been ...
|
Values
An American girl who married a Bavarian baron enjoyed playing Lady
Bountiful among the tenants on her husband's estate. On the death o...
|
Vanity
The fair penitent explained to the confessor how greatly she was grieved
by an accusing conscience. She bewailed the fact that she was...
|
Victory
That celebrated statue, the Winged Victory, has suffered during the
centuries to the extent of losing its head and other less vital pa...
|
Weather
The old colored attendant at the court house had a formula for
addressing the judge:
"What's the news this mawnin', Jedge?"
And ...
|
Whales
At the time when petroleum began to be used instead of whale oil for
burning in lamps, a kindly old lady was deeply perturbed by the c...
|
Whiskers
An elderly man was on his way home by train from a session of three days
at a convention of his political party. (This was antedating ...
|
Widow
One of the ladies assembled at the club was describing the wedding she
had just attended:
"And then, just as Frank and the widow st...
|
Widowhood
During the parade at the last encampment of the G.A.R., a woman in the
crowd of spectators made herself not only conspicuous, but rath...
|
Wife
A young skeptic in the congregation once interrupted Billy Sunday with
the question:
"Who was Cain's wife?"
The Evangelist answe...
|
Wild Women
The old sea captain was surrounded at the tea party, to which his wife
had dragged him, much against his will, by a group of women pes...
|
Wisdom
It's a wise child that goes out of the room to laugh when the old man
mashes his thumb.
...
|
Woman
A cynic, considering the fact that women was the last thing made by God,
asserts that the product shows both His experience and His fa...
|
Woman Suffrage
During the agitation in behalf of woman's suffrage, an ardent advocate
pleaded with a tired-looking married woman, and said:
"Just ...
|
Hope Springs Eternal
_Oldest Inhabitant:_ "I never expected to live till the end of the War,
Ma'am; but now I'm hoping to be spared to see the beginning of...
|
A Consoling Thought
_Belated Traveller_ (_surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the
station_): "By jove! I believe I shall catch that train after...
|
Life's Difficulties
_Mother:_ "Why, what's the matter, darling?"
_Small daughter_ (_tearfully_): "Oh, Mums, I do so want to give this
worm to my hen."
...
|
The Servant Problem
_Lady:_ "And why did your last mistress----"
_Applicant_ (_loftily_): "Excuse me, Madam!"
_Lady:_ "Well--er--your last employer--...
|
Troubles Of The New-poor
"George, will you go and speak to cook? I bought some tripe for dinner
and--she's still looking at it through her lorgnette."
...
|
The New Appreciation
_Wife_ (_habitué of the Ring, gazing after stranger who has knocked her
husband down_): "That was a lovely upper-cut he gave you, Geor...
|
Our Modern Infant
_Genial Uncle:_ "Well, old chap, we've not done anything together for a
long time. How about the Zoo next Sunday, eh?"
_Small Boy:_...
|
A Subtle Distinction
"I say--come and dance. This is a toppin' fox-trot they're playin'."
"Thanks--but I'm only waltzing this evening. We're still in mou...
|
Blue Blood
_Mrs. Profiteer:_ "Is this a pedigree dog?"
_Dealer:_ "Pedigree? I should just think 'e is, Mum. Why, if the animal
could only talk...
|
The Obstacle
_George:_ "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it
hadn't been for something she said."
_Fred:_ "What did she say?...
|
Changing The Subject
_She:_ "Well! Let us change the subject. I've done nothing but talk
about myself all evening."
_He:_ "I'm sure we couldn't find any...
|
A Chance Lost
"Who was the originator of the idea that a husband and wife are one?"
"I give it up; but it strikes me he might have saved a lot of ...
|
During The Quarrel
_He:_ "But if you will allow me to----"
_She:_ "Oh! I know what you are going to say, but you're quite mistaken
and I can prove it....
|
Conditional
_Eloping Bride:_ "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will say
when he gets our letter."
_Bridegroom:_ "It can't make any ...
|
Just Ignorance
_He_ (_dejectedly_): "I'm sure I don't see why our parents won't give
their consent. I consider their conduct is little short of cruel...
|
All In One Breath
_Wife:_ "I'm afraid you'll think me rather extravagant, dear, but I
spent ten dollars to-day on a boat, and a train, and a fire-engine...
|
A Young Philosopher
"Mamma!"
"What is it, dear?"
"It seems to me that a 'silly question' is something that you don't know
the answer to."
...
|
Femininity
_Julia:_ "Fanny married a very wealthy man, you know. She tells me she
has absolutely nothing to wish for."
_Gertrude:_ "Oh, Julia!...
|
Getting Even
_Mrs. Lynks:_ "Jack, I have made up my mind to fine you ten cents every
time you swear."
_Mr. Lynks:_ "That's a bargain, if you'll ...
|
A Soothing Effect
"Do you miss your husband as much as when he first went away?"
"No, I am becoming reconciled. You see he sent me a power of attorney...
|
In That Case
_She:_ "When one is really thirsty, there is nothing so good as pure,
cold water."
_He:_ "I guess I have never been really thirsty....
|
A Qualified Statement
"Well! we've missed that confounded train. What time will the next one
be here?"
"If the engine doesn't break down, and the track d...
|
His Sphere
"His versatility is something extraordinary."
"I had an idea he was rather stupid."
"That's just it. I never met a man who could ...
|
A Lovers' Quarrel
_George:_ "Why don't Jack and Laura make up?"
_Kate:_ "'Sh! They'd like to, but unfortunately they can't remember what
they quarrel...
|
A Dreadful Possibility
_Elsie:_ "When is my birthday, Mother?"
_Her Mother:_ "On the thirty-first of this month, dear."
_Elsie:_ "Oh! Mother! Supposing ...
|
Getting Reckless
_She:_ "I'm surprised at Jane's staying out in the boat all this time
with a comparative stranger. A woman of thirty is old enough to ...
|
Retroactive
"You know you should love your neighbor as yourself."
"But the trouble is, when I try to do that, I always end by hating
myself."
...
|
Apologizing
"Oh! Are you really a mind-reader?"
"Yes! I am."
"Then I hope you aren't offended. I didn't mean what I thought about
you."
...
|
Denied The Privilege
_The Child:_ "Mother! Did you buy a ticket for me?"
_The Mother:_ "No, dear! They don't charge for little boys."
_The Child:_ "Is...
|
A Good Plan
_She:_ "The Burrowes are having their wooden wedding next week. What can
we give them?"
"We might send them a receipt for some of t...
|
Enfranchisement Of Woman
_First Voter:_ "So Mr. Jones has been elected. You voted for him, of
course?"
_Second Voter:_ "No, I voted for the other man. You s...
|
Familiarity Etc
"I'm so glad to see you. And how did you enjoy your visit to the South?"
"Oh, not very much! There wasn't a soul where I was staying...
|
Reassuring
_She:_ "Oh! Jack! Are you perfectly certain that you love me?"
_He:_ "My darling! You don't suppose that I have lived for thirty yea...
|
How It Happened
"What! You don't mean to tell me they are engaged! Why! They never met
until a week ago."
"I know it. But they happened, while out ...
|
A Linguist
"She is one of the most remarkable women I ever met."
"In what way?"
"She can keep silence in four different languages."
...
|
The Difference
_She:_ "I'm so glad we're engaged."
_He:_ "But you knew all the time that I loved you, didn't you?"
_She:_ "Yes, dear, I knew it,...
|
The Road To---- Etc
"Well, what are you sneering about? You don't seem to have much faith in
my good resolutions."
"I was just wondering if you had tak...
|
Classified
_Mrs. Bargain:_ "Oh, Ethel! I have just talked Edward into giving me the
money for a new hat."
_Mr. Bargain:_ "Which I shall enter ...
|
A Solution
_The Mistress:_ "Oh, Jane, if I had known who sent those flowers I would
have returned them unopened."
_The Maid:_ "Shure, Miss, co...
|
Encouraging
_He:_ "My train goes in fifteen minutes. Can you not give me one ray of
hope before I leave you forever?"
_She:_ "Er--that clock is...
|
An Alias
_Miss Hen:_ "I demand an explanation! You told me that your name was
plain 'Mr. Rooster,' and that poet just now addressed you as
'Ch...
|
Changing Places
"They say that she was his stenographer before marriage."
"She has evidently reversed the order of things."
"How so?"
"_She_ d...
|
Economy
_Young Husband:_ "I see that sugar has gone down two points."
_Young Wife:_ "Has it? I'll get a couple of pounds to-day, then."
...
|
Qualified
_The Leading Woman:_ "How does Garrette rank as an actor?"
_The Comedian:_ "He doesn't--he is."
* ...
|
Claiming Acquaintance
_Chimmie:_ "Dat's McCorker de heavy-weight--me cousin used ter go ter
school wid'm."
_Billie:_ "Dat ain't nuthin'--me brudder had t...
|
From The Heart
_The Wife:_ "I have not been able to wear my new hat yet on account of
the weather."
_The Husband:_ "Humph! And I suppose by the ti...
|
An Argument
"This theory about fish being brain food is all nonsense."
"Why do you say so?"
"Because the greatest number of fish are eaten by...
|
The Secret
_The Man of Theory:_ "The great secret of happiness lies in being
content with one's lot."
_The Man of Practice:_ "But it has to be...
|
Wants Her Rights
_He:_ "There is nothing like experience after all. She is our greatest
teacher."
_She:_ "And there is no holding back her salary, e...
|
Getting Back
_Customer to Palmist:_ "Five dollars fee? Er--would you have any
objection to waiting until I get some of the money you say is coming ...
|
During Vacation
_The Summer Girl:_ "It pains me to be compelled to say so, but I really
cannot become engaged to you."
_The Summer Man:_ "Well--er-...
|
Not Unique
_He:_ "Crowded, were you? I thought you went early to avoid the rush."
_She:_ "So I did; but about five thousand other people did th...
|
A Noble Aim
_She:_ "Have you heard anything about the woman's Reform Club?"
"Yes, its object seems to be to reform everything except the Club an...
|
Once Too Often
"Yes, dear, I'm going out to-night. I've been asked to take supper with
an old comrade in arms."
"By the way, darling, how many men...
|
Cause And Effect
"What a lot of suffering these ambulance surgeons must witness."
"Yes, indeed! Almost every time they go out they run over some one....
|
Sympathy
_Freddie_ (_aged six_): "Mother, you know that lovely purse you gave me
for my birfday?"
_His Mother:_ "Yes, dear! What of it?"
...
|
Slighted
"I sincerely regret our misunderstanding, Florence, and am quite ready
to be friends again."
"_Misunderstanding_, indeed! If you ha...
|
Going Further
_Flora:_ "I think that Maud has been awfully mean to you. If I were you
I'd get even with her."
_Dora:_ "Getting even with her won'...
|
Getting On
_Old Gentleman:_ "Well, children! and what are you learning at school?"
_Small Boy:_ "Oh, she's learning to make paper dolls and I'm...
|
Literally
_He:_ "I understand that she fairly threw herself at him."
_She:_ "Yes! They met in an automobile collision."
...
|
An Extensive Love
_She:_ "They say that he fairly worships the ground she walks on."
_He:_ "That's saying a good deal when you consider what a golf fi...
|
Cause And Effect
"The way those people flaunt their money fairly makes me ill."
"Sour grapes always _did_ have that effect."
...
|
No Dissension
_Mrs. Storme:_ "How is your Debating Society getting along?"
_Mrs. Karn:_ "Very well. We have forty members, and we all agree
beaut...
|
In Keeping
"I really believe he married her only because he wanted a good
housekeeper."
"And now I suppose he wishes he could give her a month...
|
He Knew
_She:_ "I never saw a married couple who got on so well together as Mr.
and Mrs. Rigby."
_He:_ "Humph! I know! Each of them does ex...
|
Arranged To Fit
_Elsie:_ "Mummy! if I wuz a fairy I'd change every-fing into cake, an'
eat it all up."
_Mother:_ "I'm afraid such a lot of cake wou...
|
Probably
"I want to buy you something useful for your birthday. What can you
suggest?"
"Oh! I think a really useful diamond ring would do as...
|
Sure Signs
"Afraid you're going to have insomnia? What are the symptoms?"
"Twins."
* * *
...
|
Such A Waste
_Mrs. Bizzy:_ "I am so sorry to hear that your wife has been throwing
the crockery at you again, Casey. Where did she hit you?"
_Ca...
|
Too One-sided
"What is the use of quarreling, my dear girl? Let us forgive and
forget."
"That is just the trouble. I am always forgiving, and you...
|
Discretion
_Miss Bizzy:_ "I am glad to hear that you are married, O'Brien, and hope
that you and Bridget don't have many differences of opinion."...
|
Better Unsaid
_Cholly Lyttlebrayne:_ "Yes, the doctors saved my life, but it cost me
over a thousand dollars."
_Miss Thotless:_ "Oh! Mr. Lyttlebr...
|
Letting Him Know
_Flora:_ "I'm writing to tell Jack that I didn't mean what I said in my
last letter."
_Dora:_ "What did you say in your last letter...
|
Why Indeed
_The Husband:_ "Why is it that women always say, 'I'll be ready in two
seconds'?"
_The Wife:_ "Humph! and why is it that men always...
|
Only Their Way
_First Lady_ (_effusively_): "I am _more_ than _charmed_ to see you, my
_dear_ Mrs.--er--um--."
_Second Lady_ (_more effusively_): ...
|
Inadvertent
_Prospective Bride:_ "I am glad I decided to be married in a traveling
dress--a wedding dress costs such a lot."
_Dressmaker:_ "Yes...
|
Making Sure
"Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph to show to his
parents."
"I thought he had dozens of your photos."
"Yes, but h...
|
More Desperate Still
_She:_ "Oh! there's no use of my giving you any hope, because I cannot
believe in love in a cottage."
_He:_ "But I've known cases o...
|
Sympathy
_The Tabby-Cat:_ "I am just heart-broken! I had six of the loveliest
kittens, and they went and gave one away!"
_The Parrot:_ "Wasn...
|
Popular Opinion
_First Burglar:_ "Say, Bill, de doctor what fixed de leg I broke doin'
dat second-story job didn't do a t'ing but soak me fifty plunks...
|
More Opportunity
_The Wife:_ "Really, my dear, you are awfully extravagant. Our neighbor,
Mr. Flint, is just twice as self-denying as you are."
_The...
|
Not What She Meant
_She:_ "I am sorry to hear that they have separated. Is there no chance
of their becoming reconciled?"
_He:_ "Oh, they seem to be _...
|
Justification
_Wife:_ "_Two_ bottles of ginger ale, dear?"
_He:_ "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our
wedding-day?"
...
|
His Reputation
_Waitress:_ "He ain't no good, Lil--he's one of these fellers wot
chooses the price first an' then runs his fingers along the bill o' ...
|
Not Up-to-date
_Penelope:_ "What made George and Alice break their engagement?"
_Clarissa:_ "He complained that she was too 'Effeminate' for the pr...
|
Not Restricted
"That gentleman who is being introduced to Miss Binks is a free
thinker."
"Which is he, a bachelor or a widower?"
...
|
A Great Athlete
Micky Bryan and Patsy Kelly had been schoolmates together, but they had
drifted apart in after life. They met one day, and the convers...
|
Nothing New To Him
The motor car was driven by a determined young woman, who had knocked
down a man without injuring him much.
She did not try to get ...
|
Knowledge
The son of the family was home on his first vacation since he had
attained to the dignity of college prefect. He and his father were
...
|
A Humbling Sight
An old Scotchwoman, who had resisted all entreaties of her friends to
have her photo taken, was at last induced to employ the services...
|
Troublesome Customer
A woman who had visited every department of one of the big London shops
and worried the majority of the salesmen without spending a pe...
|
Remembered
Blinks, after inviting his friend, Jinks, who has just returned from
abroad, to dinner, is telling him what a fine memory his little s...
|
Natural Deduction
"The man that argues with a woman is a fool," said Mr. Gadspur.
"I agree with you," said Mr. Twobble.
"And if he expects to have ...
|
Too Good
"Well, Alice," said a Southern woman to a coloured girl formerly in her
employ, "I hear that you have married."
"Yassum, Ah done go...
|
An Error In Judgment
_Mother:_ "What! Have you been fighting again, Johnnie? Good little boys
don't fight."
_Johnnie:_ "Yes, I know that. I thought he w...
|
Teaching The Young Idea
Little Willie looked up from the paper he had been reading, and inquired
of his father:
* * ...
|
He Takes Your Time
"The chief objection we have to the man who 'knows it all,'" remarked
the Observer of Events and Things, "is that he insists that ever...
|
The Floor Held
"Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?" asked one man of his
friend.
"Sure," was the answer. "Did you think it would go...
|
His Difficulty
_Real Estate Agent:_ "This tobacco plantation is a bargain. I don't see
why you hesitate. What are you worrying about?"
_Prospectiv...
|
The Real Job
"What's this new conference they're going to have in America?"
"Oh, they're going to make peace among the Allies."
...
|
Off Like A Shot
It was a case of attempted murder, in which the prisoner was accused of
having fired twice at his intended victim. One of the witnesse...
|
Answered
_She:_ "And what would you be now if it weren't for my money?"
_He:_ "A bachelor."
* * *
...
|
To Be Sure
_Lily:_ "Harold proposed to me last night while turning the music for me
at the piano."
_Edith:_ "Ah, I see, dear; you played right...
|
A Close Call
Pat was a simple country yokel who had never strayed from the outskirts
of his native village, and because he stood in a railway stati...
|
Ready And Willing
_Magistrate:_ "Can't this case be settled out of court?"
_Mulligan:_ "Sure, sure; that's what we were trying to do, your honor,
whe...
|
Sarcasm
Everything that could be done to make the great unemployed meeting a
success had been accomplished. A large hall, and a good speaker h...
|
None At All
Sandy had gone to the station to see his cousin off.
"Mac," he said, "ye micht like to leave me a bob or twa tae drink ye a
safe jo...
|
Art And Nature
_Husband:_ "What was that you were playing, my dear?"
_Wife:_ "Did you like it?"
"It was lovely--the melody divine, the harmony e...
|
Misunderstood
_Mistress:_ "Don't call them jugs, Mary; they're ewers."
_Maid:_ "Oh, thank you, ma'am. And are all them little basins mine,
too?"
...
|
All Brains
A gentleman who was walking through a public gallery, where a number of
artists were at work, overheard the following amusing conversa...
|
Thirteen To One
Just before the service the clergyman was called into the vestibule by a
young couple, who asked that he should marry them. He answere...
|
A Good Actor
_Neighbour:_ "I hear that you had an actor employed on your farm."
_Farmer:_ "Yes, and he's a fairly good actor, too. Why, I thought...
|
Too Sad For That
A tourist was chatting with the proprietor of the village inn.
"This place boasts of a choral society, doesn't it?" he asked.
The...
|
Realised
_Lawyer:_ "When I was a boy my highest ambition was to be a pirate."
_Client:_ "You're in luck. It isn't every man who can realise t...
|
Never Miss One
_Elder sister:_ "Oh, you fancy yourself very wise, I dare say; but I
could give you a wrinkle or two."
_Younger sister:_ "No doubt-...
|
A Bad Night
The boy who had "made good" in town asked his old mother to come to
London. He gave the old lady the best room in the hotel--one with ...
|
Tripped
The shaded lights, music in the distance, sweet perfumes from the costly
flowers about them--everything was just right for a proposal,...
|
The Gloomy Guest
The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-looking
young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering...
|
Not In The Business
"I'm not quite sure about your washing-machine. Will you demonstrate it
again?"
"No, madam. We only do one week's washing."
...
|
Her Views
_Mrs. de Vere:_ "I suppose now that you have been abroad, you have your
own views of foreign life!"
* ...
|
A Good Match
_Proprietor:_ "What made that customer walk out? Did you offend him?"
_Assistant:_ "I don't know. He said he wanted a hat to suit hi...
|
Life's Biggest Problem
_Old Job:_ "The best way to get the most out of life is to fall in love
with a great problem or a beautiful woman!"
_Old Steve:_ "W...
|
Fishy Record
_First Stenog._ (_reading_): "Think of those Spaniards going 3,000 miles
on a galleon!"
_Second Stenog.:_ "Aw, forget it. Yuh can't...
|
Perfect Agreement
_Mother:_ "Hush! You two children are always quarrelling. Why can't you
agree once in a while?"
_Georgia:_ "We do agree, mamma. Edi...
|
Bottled Courage
"Is this stuff guaranteed to make a rabbit slap a bulldog in the face?"
"My dear sir," said the bootlegger, with a pained expression...
|
It Worked
A tramp entered a baker's, shivering piteously.
"A loaf, please, mum," he said, placing the money on the counter. The
woman gave hi...
|
Film Fever
_Nurse:_ "You were very naughty in church, Guy. Do you know where little
boys and girls go to who don't put their pennies in the colle...
|
The Druggist's Turn
The druggist danced and chortled till the bottles danced on the shelves.
"What's up?" asked the soda clerk. "Have you been taking so...
|
Wrong Brother
A wealthy gentleman has a brother who is hard of hearing, while he
himself is remarkable for having a very prominent nose.
Once, th...
|
Guilty
_Sister:_ "Hubby received an anonymous letter this morning informing him
of something I did before we were married."
_Brother:_ "We...
|
Too Enthusiastic
_Wifey:_ "Henry, do you think me an angel?"
_Hubby:_ "Why, certainly, my dear. I'm very enthusiastic. I think all
women are angels!...
|
Bad Both Ways
_Dobb:_ "What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"
_Botham:_ "My wife put it there to remind me to post her letter."
...
|
His Little Mistake
A certain country vicar who used to distribute books to his parishioners
as reading material, one day, deciding to surprise them, gave...
|
Tough On The Senator
The Senator was back home, looking after his political fences, and asked
the minister about some of his old acquaintances.
"How is ...
|
Redeeming Trait
"I know I'm old, but I'm crazy about you," stated Mr. Moneybags. "When I
go I'll leave all my fortune to you if you'll have me."
"H...
|
Not A Father
A Protestant Episcopal clergyman was walking down a city street wearing
the garb of his profession. He was seen by two Irish boys.
...
|
Wedding Declared Off
_John Willie_ (_pleadingly_): "Why can't we be married right away,
Elsie?"
_Elsie_ (_coyly_): "Oh, I can't bear to leave father alo...
|
Perhaps!
"You are a little goose!" remarked a young M.D. playfully to the girl he
was engaged to marry.
"Of course I am," was the laughing r...
|
No Doubt
"Lend me ten, Tom."
"I think not."
"You won't?"
"I won't."
"You've no doubt of my character, have you?"
"I haven't."
...
|
The Alleged Humorists
"I can read my husband like a book."
"Then be careful to stick to your own library, my dear."
* ...
|
No Kick Coming
_Merchant:_ Look here, that safe you sold me last month you said was a
burglar-proof safe, and I found it cracked this morning and rif...
|
No Nonsense About It
The new vicar was paying a visit amongst the patients in the local
hospital. When he entered Ward No. 2, he came across a pale-looking...
|
Too True
_Screen Actress:_ I have a certificate from my doctor saying that I
cannot act to-day.
_Manager:_ Why did you go to all that troubl...
|
Conservative
He was a stout man, and his feet were big in proportion. He wore stout
boots, too, with broad, square, sensibly-shaped toes; and when ...
|
He Had Heard Of Them
It was company field training. The captain saw a young soldier trying to
cook his breakfast with a badly-made fire. Going to him, he s...
|
What Did He Mean?
A merchant in a Wisconsin town who had a Swedish clerk sent him out to
do some collecting. When he returned from an unsuccessful trip ...
|
True To Life
Sandy had been photographed, and as he was looking intently at his
"picter" Ian MacPherson came along.
"What's that ye hev there?" ...
|
What He Preferred
"And did you say you preferred charges against this man?" asked the
Judge, looking over his gold-rimmed spectacles.
"No, Your Honou...
|
Blood Relations
_Actor:_ "Are these poor relations of yours blood relations?"
_Fulpurse:_ "Yes; they are ever bleeding me."
...
|
Scotched!
A parsimonious farmer notorious for the small rations he doled out to
his employees, said to a farmhand eating his breakfast,
"Jock...
|
The Brute!
_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "What does that inscription mean on that ring you gave
me, Archie?"
_Mr. Newlywed:_ "'Faithful to the last,' my de...
|
The Whole Truth
Angus, a mason, was slipping out of the yard to get a "refresher" during
working hours, when he suddenly ran into the boss.
"Hallo!...
|
The Consumer Inflamed
"Ever get any nice butter?" queried old Grumpy.
"Supply in every day," replied his provision merchant suavely.
"Then why in thund...
|
How He Did It
_First Theatrical Manager:_ "Do you have any trouble with the girl who
is playing the flapper in your new show?"
_Second Theatrical...
|
Reality
A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster, met his pastor on
Sunday afternoon.
"Why weren't you at church this morning?" was...
|
Pure Carelessness
It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters were on deck.
"My good man," said one kindly lady, "I hope that since you have c...
|
A Level-headed Car
_Irate Motorist:_ "Say, this darned car won't climb a hill! You said it
was a fine machine!"
_Dealer:_ "I said: 'On the level it's ...
|
Suspicious
It was while on manoeuvres in rural England, and a soldier was being
tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground.
"Loo...
|
A Wonder!
"That fellow Jones is a hard-headed cuss," remarked Brown.
"That so?" asked Smith.
"Yes," replied Brown. "Why, he could read a pa...
|
In A Fix
_Mrs. Muggins:_ "It's raining, and Mrs. Goodsoul wants to go home, and I
have no umbrella to lend her except my new guinea one. Can't ...
|
Sucked!
It was a very wet night, so Bill and his sweetheart decided to visit the
picture palace.
On the way she evidently was annoyed with ...
|
Half And Half
Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and
packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar.
H...
|
Revenge Is Sweet
"Yes," proudly announced the ex-captain, who is manager of a new seaside
hotel, "all our employees are former Service men, every one o...
|
No Effect
"You tell me," said the judge, "that this is the person who knocked you
down with his motor-car. Could you swear to the man?"
"I di...
|
A Future Financier
"Ma," exclaimed young Teddie, bursting into the house, "Mrs. Johnson
said she would give me a penny if I told her what you said about ...
|
A Bad Case
"Rather absent-minded, isn't he?"
"Extremely so. Why, the other night when he got home he knew there was
something he wanted to do,...
|
Black Superstition
_Architect:_ "Have you any suggestions for the study, Mr. Quickrich?"
_Quickrich:_ "Only that it must be brown. Great thinkers, I un...
|
Half A Duck Deep
Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a
youngster if it was deep.
"No," replied the boy, and the rider ...
|
Couldn't Resist It
"Look here," began the youth, as he entered a butcher's shop, and
displayed two lovely-looking black-and-blue eyes, "you have fresh be...
|
A Question Of Locality
"Bobby," said the lady in the tramcar, severely, "why don't you get up
and give your seat to your father? Doesn't it pain you to see h...
|
Her Soft Answer
They had had their usual altercation over the breakfast table, and hubby
exclaimed:
"What would you do if I were one of those husba...
|
He Was Wrong
_Prison Visitor:_ "Am I right in presuming that it was your passion for
strong drink that brought you here?"
_Prisoner:_ "I don't t...
|
Opening Father's Eyes
"Papa," said Little Horatio, "can you explain philosophy to me?"
"Of course I can," answered his proud parent.
"Natural philosoph...
|
Nice
She had only been married a month, when her friend called to see how she
was getting on.
"We're getting on fine!" exclaimed the you...
|
Not Needed
_O'Grady:_ "And why do you want to sell your nightshirt?"
_Pat:_ "Shure, and what good is it to me now whin oive me new job av
nigh...
|
She Could Use Him
"Rastus," said the judge sternly, "you're plain no-account and
shiftless, and for this fight I'm going to send you away for a year at
...
|
Declined With Thanks
Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He firmly believed in that
quaint and worn-out saying, "Early to bed, early to rise." He cou...
|
Managing The Managers
This conversation was overheard in the corridor of the offices of a
large firm. Needless to say, the speakers were lady clerks--
"H...
|
A Great Light
The skipper was examining an ambitious gob who wanted to be a gunner's
mate.
"How much does a six-pound shell weigh?" he asked.
...
|
Sandy Scored
A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morning, and observed:
"Well, Sandy, you're getting very bent. Why don't you stand up stra...
|
With A Reservation
"Miss Smith--Belinda," sighed the young man, passionately, "there is
something I want to tell you--something that I----"
"What is i...
|
Too Smart
A Chinaman entered a jeweller's in Liverpool and asked to be shown some
"welly good watches." The proprietor, a Jew, being absent, the...
|
Old Enough To Know That
"Are all flowers popular?" asked the teacher.
"No, ma'am," replied one of the bright little girls.
"What flowers are not popular?...
|
Native Born
"He hit me on de koko, yer honour."
"Your head?"
"Yes, yer honour."
"Why don't you speak the English language?"
"I do, yer ...
|
The Jonah
"Now, children," said the Sunday-school teacher, "I have told you the
story of Jonah and the whale. Willie, you may tell me what this ...
|
The Substitute
A tourist at an hotel in Ireland asked the girl who waited at the table
if he could have some poached eggs.
"We haven't any eggs, s...
|
Might Have Been Worse
The maiden of, er--forty or so, was much upset.
Quoth she to a younger friend:
"Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actuall...
|
Good Or Bad Turn?
"Did your late employer give you a testimonial, Jack?"
"Yes, Tom. But the way employers look at it when I apply for a job make
one ...
|
Talking Sense
"Darling," he asked, as he drew his fiancée closer to him, "am I the
first man you have ever kissed?"
"William," replied the Americ...
|
A Magic Healer
During an exciting game of football a player had two fingers of his
right hand badly smashed, and on his way home from the ground he d...
|
She Took Them
"I don't know whether I like these photos or not," said the young woman.
"They seem rather indistinct."
"But, you must remember, ma...
|
But He's On His Way
Uncle Tom arrived at the station with the goat he was to ship north, but
the freight agent was having difficulty in billing him.
"W...
|
Her Match
_Tommy:_ "What's an echo, pa?"
_Pa:_ "An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of
the last word."
...
|
Scientific Proof
One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She
asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body ...
|
A Natural Picture
A man and his eldest son went to have their photographs taken together,
and the photographer said to the young man, "It will make a be...
|
Nothing To Smile At
A Londoner was telling funny stories to a party of commercial men.
An old Scotsman, sitting in a corner seat, apparently took not th...
|
Drew Blank
The MacTavish was not a mean man. No; he just knew the value of money.
So, when the MacTavish developed a sore throat he meditated f...
|
A Friend In Need
What true friendship consists in depends on the temperament of the man
who has a friend. It is related that at the funeral of Mr. Scro...
|
What He Preferred
He was one of the few remaining old-time darkies. He had finished the
odd jobs for which he had been employed, and, hat in hand, appea...
|
Ready To Join
_Minister:_ Would you care to join us in the new missionary movement?
_Miss Ala Mode:_ I'm crazy to try it. Is it anything like the ...
|
Helpful Pa!
_He:_ Do you think your father would be willing to help me in the
future?
_She:_ Well, I heard him say he felt like kicking you int...
|
He Knew
Mr. and Mrs. Smith had been invited to a friend's for tea, and the time
had arrived for preparing for the visit. "Come along, dearie,"...
|
They Wilt
"Which weeds are the easiest to kill?" asked young Flickers of Farmer
Sassfras, as he watched that good man at his work.
"Widow's w...
|
Not Strong Enough
Muriel, aged four, was taken by her governess to have tea with an aunt.
Presently she began to eat a piece of very rich cake.
"Oh, ...
|
Why He Picked Pictish
An English mother was visiting her son at college.
"Well, dear," she said, "what languages did you decide to take?"
"I have decid...
|
Played Them Both Up
A small boy was playing with an iron hoop in the street, when suddenly
it bounced through the railings and broke the kitchen window of...
|
Justice At Last
It was the usual domestic storm.
"Oh, dear! oh, dear!" moaned wifey in tears. "I wish I'd taken poor
mother's advice, and never mar...
|
In Order To Be Filled
Two negroes were working in a coal-bin in a Mississippi town, one down
in the bin throwing out the coal and the other wielding a shove...
|
Caustic
A good story is told of a pawky old Scot, who like many others, finds
himself rather short of cash just now. His account was £60 over ...
|
Not Worth Much
The tourist from the East had stopped to change tires in a desolate
region of the far South. "I suppose," he remarked to a native onlo...
|
Nothing To Fear
_Irate Golfer:_ "You must take your children away from here, madam; this
is no place for them."
_Mother:_ "Now don't you worry--the...
|
Misled
_The Client:_ "I bought and paid for two dozen glass decanters that were
advertised at $16 a dozen, f. o. b., and when they were deliv...
|
Riddles
|
The Missing Dollar
...
|
Boy And The Carney
...
|
I Cannot Be Felt, Seen Or Touched
...
|
What Word...
...
|
How Can This Be?
...
|
Underwater
...
|
What Animal Keeps The Best Time?
...
|
Watch In The Desert
...
|
I Am The Center Of Gravity,
...
|
Which Side Of A Cat
...
|
I Can Sizzle Like Bacon,
...
|
Unusual Paragraph
...
|
Only One Color, But Not One Size,
...
|
Half Full Or Half Empty?
...
|
The Word 'facetiously' Contains The Six Vowels
...
|
Bricked Up Room
...
|
I Am Slim And Tall,
...
|
Fishing Rod
...
|
Take Some Away
...
|
I Know A Word Of Letters Three,
...
|
Age Of Father And Son
...
|
Canaries And Cages
...
|
6 In Roman
...
|
Clasped Hands
...
|
Cell Breakout
...
|
No Legs Have I To Dance,
...
|
What Tree Is Most Warmly Clad?
...
|
What Is The Longest Word In The Dictionary?
...
|
What Insect Does A Blacksmith Manufacture?
...
|
What Is The Noblest Musical Instrument?
...
|
What Kind Of Cheese Is Made Backwards?
...
|
Sinking Ship
...
|
Murder Suspects
...
|
I'm A Word That's Hardly There.
...
|
A Time When They’re Green,
...
|
I Come In Different Shapes And Sizes.
...
|
Filling The Room
...
|
Reading With The Lights Off
...
|
A Doctor And A Bus Driver In Love
...
|
With Pointed Fangs It Sits In Wait,
...
|
Explain How The Tractor Got There?
...
|
I Never Was, Am Always To Be,
...
|
The Answer Is Right In Front Of You...
...
|
Houses
...
|
What 7 Letter Word
...
|
The Following Sentence Is False.
...
|
If You Have Three Oranges
...
|
What Common English Word ...
...
|
Cogs, Tigs And Pabs
...
|
Fox, Goose And A Sack Of Corn
...
|
How Many Am I?
...
|
Fork In The Road
...
|
Train Journey
...
|
Two Grandmothers
...
|
Four Jolly Men
...
|
Four Members Of A Band ...
...
|
Mailing A Valuable Object
...
|
3 Switches
...
|
Bike Spokes
...
|
Talking Parrot
...
|
Can't Be Buried In The Usa
...
|
A Large Truck Is Crossing A Bridge
...
|
I'm Sometimes White,
...
|
I Am A Three Digit Number.
...
|
Puns
|
He's A Professional Grafter
"He's a professional grafter."
"Who?"
"The nurseryman."
...
|
You Know Fatty Schultz The Butcher
"You know Fatty Schultz the butcher. What do you suppose he
weighs?"
"I don't know, what does he weigh?"
"Meat."
...
|
I Saw A Sign In A Hardware Store To-day 'cast Iron Sinks
"I saw a sign in a hardware store to-day 'Cast iron sinks.' As
though everyone wasn't wise to that."
...
|
How Are You To-day
"How are you to-day?"
"Oh, I can't kick."
"Thought you were ill."
"I am--I have the gout."
...
|
Let Me See Said The Minister
"Let me see," said the minister, who was filling out the marriage
certificate and had forgotten the date, "this is the fifth, i...
|
She--i Had A $5 Bill In This Dictionary Yesterday And I Can't
Find It Anywhere
She--I had a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can't
find it anywhere.
He--Did you look among the Vs, dear?
...
|
Have You Ever Met My Sister Louisa
"Have you ever met my sister, Louisa?"
"Yes. She's rather stout, isn't she?"
"I have another at home--Lena."
...
|
Why Do You Call That Colored Man A Blackmailer
"Why do you call that colored man a blackmailer."
"Because he is employed at the post-office. And that ain't the
worst of it."
...
|
The Street Car Lurched
The street car lurched, she fell ker-flump!
But got up with a happy smile,
And to the young man said: "Pleas...
|
I Hear They Are Trying To Close Up The Gambling Establishments In
New York
I hear they are trying to close up the gambling establishments in
New York. Why didn't they close up Adam? He was the first
gambler...
|
Gee I Just Made A Bad Break Murmured The Chef As He Threw
Away Some Rotten Eggs
"Gee, I just made a bad break," murmured the chef, as he threw
away some rotten eggs.
...
|
This Is Our Latest Novelty Said The Manufacturer Proudly
"This is our latest novelty," said the manufacturer, proudly.
"Good work, isn't it?"
"Not bad," replied the visitor, "but you can...
|
You Ought To Sleep Well, You Lie So Easily
You ought to sleep well, You lie so easily!
...
|
My Girl's Father Is An Undertaker
"My girl's father is an undertaker. He has invented an automobile
hearse. Folks are just dying to ride in it."
...
|
An Irishman Comes To This Country Remains Here Ten Years And
Goes Back To Ireland And Dies
"An Irishman comes to this country, remains here ten years, and
goes back to Ireland and dies. What is he?"
"Why, an Irishman, of...
|
He--why Has He Put Her Picture In His Watch
He--Why has he put her picture in his watch?
She--Because he thinks she will love him in time.
...
|
I Saw Some Delicious Apples Growing On A Tree This Morning
"I saw some delicious apples growing on a tree this morning. I
couldn't reach them, and asked the lady of the house if she would
le...
|
My Sister Had A Fright Yesterday
"My sister had a fright yesterday. She had a black spider run up
her arm."
"That's nothing. I had a sewing machine run up the sea...
|
Attorney For The Defense--have You Ever Been Cross-examined
Before
Attorney for the Defense--Have you ever been cross-examined
before?
The Witness--Have I. I'm a married man.--Life.
...
|
--i Met A Deaf And Dumb Man To-day Who Had Every Joint Of His
Fingers Broken
--I met a deaf and dumb man to-day who had every joint of his
fingers broken.
--That is terrible, how did it happen?
--Well, h...
|
I'm Nearly Starved
"I'm nearly starved. Just got in from a three-hour trip on the
New York Central."
"But couldn't you get anything to eat on the tr...
|
What Do You Think Of The Statement That There Are Three Hundred
Haunted Houses In New York
"What do you think of the statement that there are three hundred
haunted houses in New York?" asked Mr. Knickerbocker.
"Oh," repl...
|
I Saw A Big Rat In My Cook-stove And When I Went For My Revolver
He Ran Out
"I saw a big rat in my cook-stove and when I went for my revolver
he ran out."
"Did you shoot him?"
"No. He was out of my rang...
|
Greene--these Wakes Of Yours Are Pretty Boisterous Affairs
Sometimes
GREENE--"These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous affairs
sometimes."
FINNEGAN--"Av coarse! Sure, we hav' t' make a great noise...
|
I See Dorkins Has Got All Of His Seven Daughters Married Off
"I see Dorkins has got all of his seven daughters married off."
"Yes, but he took advantage of his official position to effect
it...
|
Are Your Folks Well To Do
"Are your folks well to do?"
"No. They're hard to do."
...
|
If You Should Die What Would You Do With Your Body
"If you should die, what would you do with your body?"
"I don't know."
"I'd sell mine to a medical student."
"Then you'd be ...
|
I Was At The Track To-day Percy And There Was A Horse Down
There With The Itch
"I was at the track to-day, Percy, and there was a horse down
there with the itch. He came up to the post, and they scratched
him."...
|
He--yes She Is Living Under An Assumed Name
HE--"Yes, she is living under an assumed name."
SHE--"Horrible! What is it?"
HE--"The one she assumed immediately after her hus...
|
Biggs--i Hear The Jail Was Afire This Morning
BIGGS--"I hear the jail was afire this morning?"
BAGGS--"Naw; it was only a sell."
...
|
Love They Say Is Blind
Love they say is blind. Well: if so marriage must be an
eye-opener.
...
|
It Doesn't Do Any Good To Scold The Janitor About Our Cold
Rooms
"It doesn't do any good to scold the janitor about our cold
rooms."
"Yes, it does. I get all warmed up when I talk to him."
...
|
This Liver Is Awful Maud Said Mr
"This liver is awful, Maud," said Mr. Newwed.
"I'm very sorry," returned the bride, "I'll tell the cook to
speak to the livery-ma...
|
Who Was The First One That Came From The Ark When It Landed
"Who was the first one that came from the ark when it landed."
"Noah."
"You are wrong. Don't the good book tell us that Noah ca...
|
Railway Clerk--another Accident On The Road To-day Sir
RAILWAY CLERK--Another accident on the road to-day, sir.
MANAGER--Indeed; What now?
CLERK--Man dislocated his neck trying to re...
|
I Got Your Fare Didn't I
"I got your fare, didn't I?" asked the conductor.
"I believe not," the facetious passenger replied. "I think I saw
you ring it up...
|
Isaacs--undt Suppose Dey Did Send Us A Message From Mars How
Could Dey Tell If We Got It
ISAACS--Undt suppose dey did send us a message from Mars, how
could dey tell if we got it?
COHEN--Vell, dey mighd send it gollect...
|
He--i'll Go To-morrow And Buy A Diamond Engagement Ring
HE--I'll go to-morrow and buy a diamond engagement ring.
SHE--Now, George, for the first time your talk has the true ring
in it.
...
|
I Am Told Said She Saucily That Though You Are A Military
Man You Are Afraid Of Powder
"I am told," said she, saucily, "that though you are a military
man, you are afraid of powder."
"To prove that the assertion is c...
|
Mrs
MRS. PENDERGAST (in disgust)--You call these shades alike! Is
there anything you can match?
MR. PENDERGAST--Yes. Pennies.
...
|
Pressed For Work--cider
Pressed for work--cider.
Never out of print--the calico counter.
...
|
Is This A Fire Insurance Office
"Is this a fire insurance office?"
"Yes, sir; can we write you some insurance?"
"Perhaps you can. You see, my employer threaten...
|
We Should Never Complain Whatever May Befall Us Said The
Minister
"We should never complain, whatever may befall us," said the
minister. "The moment we grow dissatisfied we become unhappy."
"Do y...
|
Tommy Said Mamma Tearfully It Gives Me As Much Pain As It
Does You To Punish You
"Tommy," said mamma, tearfully, "it gives me as much pain as it
does you to punish you."
TOMMY (also tearfully)--Mebbe it does, b...
|
I'll Never Ask Another Woman To Marry Me As Long As I Live
"I'll never ask another woman to marry me as long as I live!"
"Refused again?"
"No; accepted."
...
|
A Wag Who Thought To Have A Joke At The Expense Of An Irish
Provision Dealer Said Can You Supply Me With A Yard Of Pork
A wag who thought to have a joke at the expense of an Irish
provision dealer said, "Can you supply me with a yard of pork?"
"Pat,...
|
They Say Corporations Have No Soul
"They say corporations have no soul."
"How about the Shoe Trust."
...
|
Did Your Sweetheart Receive You Warmly Last Night
"Did your sweetheart receive you warmly last night?" asked one
Pittsburg young man of another.
"No, but her father did."
"How ...
|
Permit Me Then To Die At Your Feet
"Permit me, then, to die at your feet!" he cried desperately.
She shivered.
"I see no objection to that," she answered. "All pa...
|
Don't Doubt The Veteran Who Tells You He Was Always Where The
Bullets Were Thickest; Perhaps He Was Hiding Under The Ammunition
Wagon
Don't doubt the veteran who tells you he was always where the
bullets were thickest; perhaps he was hiding under the ammunition
wag...
|
Mr
MR. BIXBY--Have you noticed how much better I rest after a day's
fishing?
MRS. BIXBY--No; but I have noticed how much easier you ...
|
Nature Never Allows Anything To Run To Waist
"Nature never allows anything to run to waist."
"Humph! You've never seen a Vermont girl of forty."
...
|
What's The Matter Here
"What's the matter here?"
"Man broke his neck."
"What story did he fall from?"
"Didn't fall--tried to see the top of the bui...
|
According To A Florist's Magazine Jacks Are Becoming Cheap
According to a florist's magazine "Jacks are becoming cheap."
This may be true, but we have known men who would have been
willing t...
|
Johnny--what Makes You Look So Tired
JOHNNY--What makes you look so tired?
TOMMY--My step-mother is sick end now I'll get licked before
every meal. The doctor says sh...
|
Brown--peckhen Has Arrived Safe
BROWN--"Peckhen has arrived safe. I just received a cablegram
from him."
SMITH--"Did he have a rough voyage?"
BROWN--"No; his ...
|
Oh Live And Let Live My Man
"Oh, live and let live, my man."
"Yes, I'd look well, wouldn't I? I'm a butcher."
...
|
Smith--i Notice That Robinson Has An Article In The Paper This
Morning
SMITH--I notice that Robinson has an article in the paper this
morning.
JONES--Indeed! I didn't see it. What was it?
SMITH--Hi...
|
When Lot Found His Wife Transformed Into A Pillar Of Salt He Was
Wise Enough To Let It Go At That And Not Take A Fresh One
When Lot found his wife transformed into a pillar of salt, he was
wise enough to let it go at that and not take a fresh one.
...
|
Soloman Soloman--our Frent Cohen Must Pe Goin' T' Haf A Fire
SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Our frent Cohen must pe goin' t' haf a fire.
ISAAC ISAACS--Vy?
SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Vell, he took oud an inshooran...
|
A Telephone Girl Always Reminds Me Of A Pictured Saint
"A telephone girl always reminds me of a pictured saint."
"Why?"
"There is a continual 'hello' around her head."
...
|
A Husband And Wife Are Considered One But It Is Useless To Try
To Work That Gag On The Landlord When He Presents The Board Bill
A husband and wife are considered one, but it is useless to try
to work that gag on the landlord when he presents the board bill.
...
|
You Haven't A Cent And Yet Wish To Marry Miss Bilyan
"You haven't a cent, and yet wish to marry Miss Bilyan. Don't you
expect her father to kick you out?"
"Oh, no I intend to go befo...
|
Young M
YOUNG M.D.--That jig is up.
OLD M.D.--What do you mean?
YOUNG M.D.--That fellow with St. Vitus's dance died this morning.
...
|
Do You Think That As A Rule People Who Attend Theaters Are
Superstitious
"Do you think that as a rule people who attend theaters are
superstitious?"
"Do I think so? I know it. I have seen people sit for...
|
Here's An Account Of A Hen Which Layed Three Eggs At Once And
Then Died Remarked Mrs
"Here's an account of a hen which layed three eggs at once, and
then died," remarked Mrs. Sumway.
"From over-eggsertion, probably...
|
What Is The Best Way To Raise Cabbage
"What is the best way to raise cabbage?"
"With a knife and fork."
...
|
Why Is Miss B---- Wearing Black
"Why is Miss B---- wearing black?"
"She is in mourning for her husband."
"Why, she never had a husband!"
"No, that is why sh...
|
Dearest She Murmured I'm So Afraid You'll Change
"Dearest," she murmured, "I'm so afraid you'll change."
"Darling," he answered, "you'll never find any change about me."
...
|
What's The Matter Here
"What's the matter here?" asked a stranger of a small boy, as he
noticed a large wedding party coming out of a church on Fifth
aven...
|
Oh, The Sadness Of Her Sadness When She's Sad
Oh, the sadness of her sadness when she's sad!
Oh, the gladness of her gladness when she's glad!
But the sadne...
|
Is It Raining Girls
"Is it raining, girls?"
"No," broke in Cumso; "only cats and dogs."
...
|
Guest--what Have You Got
GUEST--What have you got?
WAITER--I've got liver, calf's brains, pig's feet--
GUEST--Hold up there! I don't want a description ...
|
Stranger--boy Can You Direct Me To The Bank
STRANGER--"Boy, can you direct me to the bank?"
BOY--"I kin for a quarter."
STRANGER--"A quarter! Isn't that high pay?"
BOY-...
|
It's Very Puzzling Said A Worried Looking Woman To One Of Her
Neighbors
"It's very puzzling," said a worried looking woman to one of her
neighbors.
"What's that?"
"I can't tell whether Willie is cor...
|
Playwright--there Is A Great Climax In The Last Act
PLAYWRIGHT--"There is a great climax in the last act. Just as two
burglars climb in the kitchen window the clock strikes one;
then-...
|
I Sent A Dollar Last Week Said The Good Thing In Answer To
That Advertisement Offering A Method Of Saving One-half My Gas
Bills
"I sent a dollar last week" said the Good thing, "in answer to
that advertisement offering a method of saving one-half my gas
bills...
|
Did Any Of You Ever See An Elephant's Skin
"Did any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" inquired a teacher
of a class of youths.
"I have," exclaimed one.
"Where?" asked...
|
Curious Isn't It
"Curious, isn't it?"
"What?"
"A man's handwriting is never so bad that his name can't be read
when signed to a check."
...
|
That Cook Would Make A Good Baseball Player
"That cook would make a good baseball player."
"Why so?"
"A fly got into the batter when she was serving the griddles, and
the...
|
When You See A Young Man Cleaning A Girl's Bicycle They Are
Engaged; But When You See The Operation Reversed They Are
Married
When you see a young man cleaning a girl's bicycle, they are
engaged; but when you see the operation reversed, they are
married.
...
|
She (approvingly)--you Won Her Hand Then
SHE (approvingly)--You won her hand, then?
HE (rather glumly)--Humph--I presume so. I'm under her thumb.
...
|
What Is The Difference Between The Admission To A Dime Museum
And The Admission To Sing Sing
"What is the difference between the admission to a dime museum
and the admission to Sing Sing?"
"Don't know. What?"
"One is te...
|
A Man At The Hotel Wanted To Bet That Corbett Would Knock Out
Jeffries
"A man at the hotel wanted to bet that Corbett would knock out
Jeffries."
"Who took him up?"
"The elevator boy, I think."
...
|
Why Is A Railroad Train Like A Bedbug
Why is a railroad train like a bedbug?
It runs over the sleepers.
...
|
Caller--wonder If I Can See Your Mother Little Boy
CALLER--Wonder if I can see your mother, little boy? Is she
engaged?
LITTLE BOY--Engaged? Whatcher givin' us? She's married.
...
|
I Must Admit Said The Mannish Girl That I'm Very Fond Of
Men's Clothes
"I must admit," said the mannish girl, "that I'm very fond of
men's clothes. You don't like them, do you?"
"Yes. I do," replied t...
|
When A Woman Finds Her Dress Does Not Match Her Complexion It Is
Always Easy Enough To Change Her Complexion
When a woman finds her dress does not match her complexion, it is
always easy enough to change her complexion.
...
|
My Friend Said The Long-coated Old Man Solemnly Have You
Made Preparation For The Day Of Judgment
"My friend," said the long-coated old man, solemnly, "have you
made preparation for the day of judgment?"
"Sir," replied the youn...
|
George You Look Exhausted She Said To Him As He Was Putting
On His Hat And Coat
"George, you look exhausted," she said to him as he was putting
on his hat and coat.
"Yes," he answered, glancing towards his dau...
|
Of The Heroine In One Of The Latest Sensational Novels It Is
Said: Her Eyes Chained Him To The Spit
Of the heroine in one of the latest sensational novels it is
said: "Her eyes chained him to the spit." She must have been
links-eye...
|
Do I Bore You
"Do I bore you?" asked the mosquito, politely, as he sunk a
half-inch shaft into the man's leg.
"Not at all," replied the man, sq...
|
How Did That Fight Between The Bridge Tenders End
"How did that fight between the bridge tenders end?"
"It was fought to a draw--and they both fell in!"
...
|
What Kind Of Essence Does A Young Man Like When He Pops The
Question
What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the
question? Acquiescence.
...
|
Mashington--what's The Matter With Your Clock
MASHINGTON--What's the matter with your clock? It's stopped.
TAILOR--I never wind it up. I use it as a motto.
"What do you mean...
|
The Hawk Was Dozing
The hawk was dozing. "You look," said the jay, from a safe
distance, "as if you were full."
"Well," the hawk admitted, "I have ju...
|
You Ought To Be Very Proud Of Your Wife
"You ought to be very proud of your wife. She is a brilliant
talker."
"You're right there."
"Why, I could listen to her all ni...
|
I Once Knew A Man Who With The Aid Of A Microscope Made A
Harness For A Flea
"I once knew a man who, with the aid of a microscope, made a
harness for a flea."
"Humph!" replied the other, "that's nothing. I ...
|
You Want A Divorce From Your Wife Do You
"You want a divorce from your wife, do you?"
"Yes, sir, I do."
"What grounds?"
"Incompatability. She and the cook are quarre...
|
How About The Lazy Man Who Hurt His Eye Looking For Work
"How about the lazy man who hurt his eye looking for work?"
"That's nothing. How about the industrious safe breaker doing
time fo...
|
Don't Take A Bull By The Horns; Take Him By The Tail Then You
Can Let Go Without Getting Some One To Help You
Don't take a bull by the horns; take him by the tail, then you
can let go without getting some one to help you.
...
|
Women My Boy Said A Parent To His Son Are A Delusion And A
Snare
"Women, my boy," said a parent to his son, "are a delusion and a
snare." "It is queer," murmured the boy, "people will hug a
delusi...
|
Would You Said The Reporter Who Gets Novel Interviews Tell
Me What Book Helped You Most In Life
"Would you," said the reporter who gets novel interviews, "tell
me what book helped you most in life?"
After a thoughtful pause, ...
|
You Were Thrown Out
"You were thrown out?" remarked the ash barrel. "That's what you
get for being crooked."
"The crookedness, is not my fault," said...
|
What Relation Is A Door-step To A Door-mat
"What relation is a door-step to a door-mat?"
"What relation?"
"A step-farther."
...
|
Guide--this Is A Dogwood Tree
GUIDE--This is a dogwood tree.
STRANGER--How can you tell?
GUIDE--By its bark.
...
|
Some Of Us Have More Ups And Downs In This World Than Others But
When We Get To The Cemetery We Will All Be On The Dead Level
Some of us have more ups and downs in this world than others, but
when we get to the cemetery, we will all be on the dead level.
...
|
Mrs
MRS. POWELL--"I have such an indulgent husband!"
MRS. CAMERON (spitefully)--"Yes, so Justin tells me, but he
sometimes indulges t...
|
They Caught The Burglars That Robbed The Hotel Last Night
"They caught the burglars that robbed the hotel last night."
"How?"
"They jumped on the scales and gave themselves a weigh."
...
|
You Own Your Own House Don't You
"You own your own house, don't you?"
"I used to."
"Have you sold it?"
"No, I haven't sold it."
"Then how is it you don't ...
|
Mike D' I Ever Tell Ye The Story About The Dirty Window
"Mike, d' I ever tell ye the story about the dirty window?"
"You did not. Tell me about it."
"No use--you couldn't see through ...
|
A Lady Noticed A Boy Sprinkling Salt On The Sidewalk To Take Off
The Ice And Remarked To A Friend Pointing To The Salt:
Now That's True Benevolence
A lady noticed a boy sprinkling salt on the sidewalk to take off
the ice, and remarked to a friend, pointing to the salt:
"Now, t...
|
Teacher--thomas Can You Tell Me Which Battle Nelson Was Killed
In
TEACHER--Thomas, can you tell me which battle Nelson was killed
in?
TOMMY (after a moment's reflection)--I think it was his last....
|
Johnnie--ya-as I've Just Come Back From Ireland--county Cork
JOHNNIE--"Ya-as, I've just come back from Ireland--County Cork.
Ever been to Cork?"
SOUBRETTE--"No--but I've seen a good many dra...
|
What Is Love
"What is love?"
"A fresh egg."
"Marriage?"
"Hard boiled eggs."
"Divorce?"
"Scrambled eggs."
...
|
How By The Statesman Insincere
Man's Weary Soul Is Vexed
How by the statesman insincere
Man's weary soul is vexed.
He'll shake your hand one minute and
He'll pull your...
|
Hush Not So Loud
"Hush, not so loud! We're having a conference of the powers."
"Eh! Who is conferring?"
"My wife, my mother-in-law and the cook....
|
I Saw De Castro The Magician Make A $20 Gold Piece Disappear
In Three Minutes
"I saw De Castro, the magician, make a $20 gold piece disappear
in three minutes." "That's nothing. You ought to see my wife with
a...
|
An Art-school Student Recently Painted The Picture Of A Dog Under
A Tree So Lifelike That It Was Impossible To Distinguish The Bark
Of The Tree From That Of The Dog
An art-school student recently painted the picture of a dog under
a tree so lifelike that it was impossible to distinguish the bark
...
|
Lady--why Do You Remove Your Sword Lieutenant
LADY--Why do you remove your sword, Lieutenant?
GALLANT OFFICER--My lovely miss, the fire from those eyes would
compel the braves...
|
She--you Used To Call Me The Light Of Your Life
SHE--"You used to call me the light of your life."
HE--"Ah, but I had no idea then how much it would cost to keep it
burning."
...
|
Moses--how Did You Make Your Money Ike
MOSES--"How did you make your money, Ike?"
IKE--"By horse-razing."
MOSES--"Vatt, not bedding?"
IKE--"Naw--I started a pawnsh...
|
He--don't You Think Miss Plainly Is The Very Image Of Her Mother
HE--Don't you think Miss Plainly is the very image of her mother?
SHE--Yes, indeed; the resemblance is something awful.
...
|
--i Want To Be An Angel
--"I want to be an angel."
--"Just wait till you've backed one or two 'stars,' and you'll
change that tune my boy."
...
|
Telephone Operators Are Always Bound To Have The Last Word;
That's Why Females Are Always Employed In That Capacity
Telephone operators are always bound to have the last word;
that's why females are always employed in that capacity.
...
|
What Are You Going To Do With Your Boy
"What are you going to do with your boy?"
"I don't know; I'm afraid he is a bad egg."
"In that case he might do for an actor."
...
|
Biggs--that Butcher Is An Awkward Fellow
BIGGS--That butcher is an awkward fellow.
BOGGS--Yes, I notice his hands are always in his weigh.
...
|
Is The Proprietor In
"Is the proprietor in?" asked the visitor to the planing mill. "I
want to order some doors."
"He's in," replied the smart office ...
|
Did The Minister Say Anything Comforting
"Did the minister say anything comforting?" asked the neighbor of
the widow recently bereaved.
"Indeed, he didn't," was the quick...
|
What Kind Of Hen Lays The Longest
"What kind of hen lays the longest?"
"What kind?"
"A dead hen."
...
|
Cityman--do They Keep A Servant Girl
CITYMAN--Do they keep a servant girl?
SUBBUBS--O! certainly not. But as soon as one leaves they engage
another.--Philadelphia Pre...
|
If A Woman Would Change Her Sex What Would Her Religion Be
If a woman would change her sex, what would her religion be? She
would be a he-then, of course.
...
|
What In The World Shall I Do With The Baby John
"What in the world shall I do with the baby, John? She's crying
for the moon."
"That's nothing. Wait till she's eighteen and she'...
|
The Man Who Was Run Over By The Cars The Other Day Is Now Out
Of Danger
"The man who was run over by the cars the other day, is now out
of danger."
"That's good."
"He died this morning."
...
|
The Death Of Her Husband Must Have Been A Dreadful Blow To Mrs
"The death of her husband must have been a dreadful blow to Mrs.
Musicale."
"It was, indeed."
"I suppose she has given up her ...
|
Poor Lot's Wife Turned To Salt Alas
Poor Lot's wife turned to salt, alas!
Her fate was most unkind.
No doubt she only wished to see
How hung her s...
|
Smith--there Is Something That Will Never Be Boycotted By The
Fair Sex As Long As Time Lasts
SMITH--There is something that will never be boycotted by the
fair sex as long as time lasts.
JONES--What's that?
SMITH--The E...
|
In One Way The Clock Makers Are Independent Of Labor Troubles
"In one way the clock makers are independent of labor troubles."
"That's very fortunate, isn't it," said his wife innocently, "but...
|
There Is A Man Who Never Knew Such A Thing As Fear
"There is a man who never knew such a thing as fear."
"Ah, had a military training, I suppose."
"No; his nerve is inherited. Hi...
|
What Is The Plural Of Man Johnny
"What is the plural of man, Johnny?" asked the teacher of a small
pupil.
"Men," answered Johnny.
"Correct," said the teacher. ...
|
First Comedian--did You Score A Hit With Your New Specialty
FIRST COMEDIAN--"Did you score a hit with your new specialty?"
SECOND COMEDIAN--"Did I? Why, the audience gazed in open-mouthed
w...
|
If I Might Hold That Hand Again
If I might hold that hand again
Clasped lovingly in mine,
I'd little care what others sought--
That h...
|
Wife--got A Dollar
WIFE--"Got a dollar?"
HUSBAND--"Where's the last dollar I gave you?"
"Gone."
"I thought I told you to make it go as far as y...
|
Some One Threw A Head Of Cabbage At An Irish Orator While He Was
Making A Speech Once
Some one threw a head of cabbage at an Irish orator while he was
making a speech once. He paused a second, and said: "Gentlemen, I
...
|
Why Are You Sad Bill
"Why are you sad, Bill?"
"Oh, I am troubled with dyspepsia."
"How can that be?"
"I got licked at school 'cause I couldn't sp...
|
Mrs
MRS. LIMBERCHIN--I was so mad last night I couldn't speak.
MR. L.--And I was away! Just my luck!
...
|
--that Jersey Murderer Was Clever To Get Off As He Did Wasn't
He
--"That Jersey murderer was clever to get off as he did, wasn't
he?"
--"What was his plea--insanity?"
--"No, malaria."
...
|
I've Been Married Five Years And I've Got A Bushel Of
Children
"I've been married five years, and I've got a bushel of
children."
"How's that?"
"My name is Peck. I've got four children. Don...
|
The Weary Desert Stretched For Miles
The weary desert stretched for miles. Stretched for sheer
weariness. Not a drop of water was in sight.
Then it was that the trave...
|
Corbett And Fitzsimmons Will Never Fight Again
"Corbett and Fitzsimmons will never fight again."
"Why?"
"Because they can not get gloves to Fitzsimmons."
...
|
Askit-what Is A Convenient Fall Trip For Me To Take
ASKIT-What is a convenient fall trip for me to take?
TELLIT-You might step on a banana peel or try to balance on a
cake of soap a...
|
There Is But One Thing Said The Professor Of Medicine
Gravely That We Know About Death
"There is but one thing," said the professor of medicine,
gravely, "that we know about death."
"And that is, sir?" queried the st...
|
Did You Hear About Miss Jones
"Did you hear about Miss Jones?"
"No. What's up?"
"Why, she eloped with one of the boarders in the hotel."
"Oh, that was onl...
|
When Was Money First Invented
"When was money first invented?"
"I don't know. When was it?"
"When the dove brought the greenback to Noah."
...
|
What A Distinguished Looking Man
"What a distinguished looking man."
"Yes, the last time I saw him he was on the bench."
"What, a judge?"
"No; a substitute b...
|
He--didn't You Promise To Love Honor And Obey Me
HE--"Didn't you promise to love, honor and obey me?"
SHE--"Heaven only knows what I promised. I was listening to hear
what you pr...
|
Thin Boarder--i Don't See How You Manage To Fare So Well At This
Boarding-house
THIN BOARDER--"I don't see how you manage to fare so well at this
boarding-house. I have industriously courted the landlady and all
...
|
Why Should A Young Man Never Raise His Straw Hat To A Lady
"Why should a young man never raise his straw hat to a lady?"
"Because it is never felt."
...
|
Jones--well We Had An Addition To Our Family Yesterday
JONES--"Well, we had an addition to our family yesterday."
SMITH--"You don't say so? Boy or girl?"
JONES--"Neither. It's my wif...
|
Diner--hello
DINER--"Hello! waiter, where is that ox-tail soup?"
WAITER--"Coming, sir--half a minute."
DINER--"Confound you! How slow you ar...
|
An Irishman Was Planting Shade Trees When A Passing Lady Said:
You're Digging Out The Holes Are You Mr
An Irishman was planting shade trees when a passing lady said:
"You're digging out the holes, are you, Mr. Haggerty?"
"No, mum....
|
Irish Foreman To Gang Of Men In A Sewer: How Many Men Is Down
In That Hole
Irish foreman, to gang of men in a sewer: "How many men is down
in that hole?"
Voice from the sewer: "Three, sorr."
Irish fore...
|
Tramp--can't You Give A Poor Man Something To Eat
TRAMP--"Can't you give a poor man something to eat? I got shot in
the war and can't work."
Woman-"Where was you shot?"
"In the...
|
I Suppose Barnum Went To Heaven When He Died
"I suppose Barnum went to heaven when he died?"
"Well, he certainly had a good chance. In fact he had the
greatest show on earth....
|
Why Do All Bank Cashiers Run To Canada
"Why do all bank cashiers run to Canada?"
"Give it up."
"Because that's the only place Toronto."
...
|
Were You Attached To The Place
"Were you attached to the place?"
The actress laughed bitterly.
"I don't know what you'd call it," she rejoined. "The sheriff h...
|
If A Guest At A Restaurant Ordered A Lobster And Ate It And
Another Guest Did The Same What Would The Latter's Telephone
Number Be
"If a guest at a restaurant ordered a lobster and ate it, and
another guest did the same, what would the latter's telephone
number ...
|
An Irishman Quarreling With An Englishman Told Him If He Didn't
Hold His Tongue He Would Break His Impenetrable Head And Let His
Brains Out Of His Empty Skull
An Irishman quarreling with an Englishman, told him if he didn't
hold his tongue he would break his impenetrable head, and let his
...
|
Peters--are You Not Sick Of Hearing Everybody Sing That Popular
Song
PETERS--"Are you not sick of hearing everybody sing that popular
song?"
WINKLE--"Not I."
PETERS--"Heavens! How can you stand i...
|
I'm The Champion Long Distance Cornet Player
I'm the champion long distance cornet player. I entered a contest
once and I played "Annie Laurie" for three weeks.
Did you win?
...
|
What Have You Here
"What have you here?" asked the fresh young man of the waiter at
a first-class restaurant.
"Everything, sir."
"Everything?" sn...
|
When We First Dined At A Cafe
We Feared They'd Drop Their Trays But Later
We Learned Somewhat To Our Dismay
It Takes--as Scores Of Men Will Say--
A Big Tip To Upset A Waiter
When we first dined at a cafe
We feared they'd drop their trays, but later
We learned, somewhat to our dismay,
I...
|
Irish Stew Said The Restaurant Guest
"Irish stew," said the restaurant guest.
"Faith, I am Irish, tew," said the waiter.
...
|
Comstock Shuddered The Other Evening When A Lady Asked Him If He
Cared For Undressed Kids
Comstock shuddered the other evening when a lady asked him if he
cared for undressed kids.
...
|
Mrs
MRS. TILFORD OF SOROSIS--"It must have taken Daniel Webster a
long time to compile the dictionary; don't you think so?"
TILFORD--...
|
Is Your Friend The Dentist A Society Chap
"Is your friend the dentist a society chap?"
"Well, in one way. He attends lots of swell gatherings."
...
|
Did You Know That Xanthippe Wife Of One Of The Greatest Of
Ancient Philosophers Was A Great Scold
"Did you know that Xanthippe, wife of one of the greatest of
ancient philosophers, was a great scold?"
"Certainly; but just think...
|
The Pugilist Boxes His Man Before He Lays Him Out
The pugilist boxes his man before he lays him out. The undertaker
lays out his man before he boxes him.
...
|
An Old-maid Being At A Loss For A Pin-cushion Made Use Of An
Onion For The Purpose
An old-maid being at a loss for a pin-cushion, made use of an
onion for the purpose. On the following morning she found all the
nee...
|
Brown--up At Hagenbeck's Show There Is A Large Bear That Hugs A
Woman Without Killing Her
BROWN--Up at Hagenbeck's show there is a large bear that hugs a
woman without killing her.
JONES--That's nothing. I've often seen...
|
Why Do You Call Him 'mr
"Why do you call him 'Mr. Gimlet?' That isn't his name."
"I know. But he's such a bore!"
...
|
American--you Have Noticed I Suppose That The Balance Of
Trade So Far As Your Country And Ours Are Concerned Is Still In
Our Favor
AMERICAN--"You have noticed, I suppose, that the balance of
trade, so far as your country and ours are concerned, is still in
our f...
|
Husband--i Am Going To Buy Two Little Children
HUSBAND--"I am going to buy two little children."
WIFE--"Where in the world can you buy them?"
HUSBAND--"Down at the department...
|
Your Father Has A Strong Box At Home Hasn't He Willie Said
The Teacher
"Your father has a strong box at home, hasn't he, Willie," said
the teacher.
"Yes'm," replied Willie; "the one he keeps the limbu...
|
This Wireless Telegraphy Reminds Me Of A Groundless Quarrel
"This wireless telegraphy reminds me of a groundless quarrel."
"What possible connection is there between the two?"
"It's pract...
|
To-morrow Never Comes They Say;
But All Such Talk Is Idle Gush
For When We Have A Debt To Pay
To-morrow Gets There With A Rush
To-morrow never comes, they say;
But all such talk is idle gush,
For when we have a debt to pay
To-morrow gets...
|
Did You Go Into Any Of The New York Restaurants
"Did you go into any of the New York restaurants?"
"No. I got into what I thought was one and I heard a feller call
for Saratoga ...
|
The Word 'reviver' Spells The Same Backwards And Forwards
"The word 'reviver' spells the same backwards and forwards."
It was the frivolous man who spoke.
"Can you think of another?"
...
|
I Hear They're Going To Change The Name Of Central Park To
Orchard Park
I hear they're going to change the name of Central Park to
Orchard Park.
Why, how is that?
Well, there are so many pears (pair...
|
Tom--i Understand That Cholly Went Hunting The Other Day
TOM--"I understand that Cholly went hunting the other day. What
did he hit?"
DICK--"Nothing."
HARRY--"Why, I heard he shot him...
|
Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right
"Two wrongs don't make a right."
"Yes, they do."
"How so?"
"Why, some one passed a counterfeit five-dollar bill on me
to-da...
|
It's All Foolishness To Talk About Any One Getting The Worst Of
It In The Matrimonial Game Declared The Big Man With A Silk Hat
And A Loud Suit Of Clothes
"It's all foolishness to talk about any one getting the worst of
it in the matrimonial game," declared the big man with a silk hat
...
|
An Old Lady, Being Told That A Certain Lawyer Was Lying
An old lady, being told that a certain lawyer "was lying at the
point of death," exclaimed: "My Gracious! Won't even death stop...
|
We Mustn't Kiss The Baby We Mustn't Kiss The Kid
We Mustn't Kiss The Dainty Miss So Scientists Affirm;
To Pounce Upon And Wrastle Us There Waits The Awful Bacillus
The Sempiternal Most Infernal Omnipresent Germ
We mustn't kiss the baby, we mustn't kiss the kid,
We mustn't kiss the dainty miss, so scientists affirm;
To pounce upo...
|
What I Like About The Irish Is That They Are So Modest And
Unassuming
"What I like about the Irish is that they are so modest and
unassuming."
"Holy smoke!"
"Fact. When an Irishman does anything g...
|
I Had Soup In A Restaurant The Other Day And Found An Oyster In
It
"I had soup in a restaurant the other day and found an oyster in
it."
"Great Scott! That one oyster in the soup joke is old."
...
|
I Was At A Banquet Last Night
"I was at a banquet last night. I just had a lovely time. We had
everything a man could wish for."
"Did you have any pale ale?"
...
|
A Cement Maker Advertises That His Cement Is Strong Enough To
Mend The Break Of Day
A cement maker advertises that his cement is strong enough to
mend the break of day.
...
|
Rowley Powley Pudding And Pie
Kissed The Girls And Made Them Cry
Rowley Powley, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
...
|
Only Tells Half
But entre nous, that legend of yore
Only tells half; they cried for more!
...
|
Are You The Photographer
"Are you the photographer?"
"Yes sir."
"Do you take children's pictures?"
"Yes sir."
"How much do you charge?"
"Three ...
|
The Man--edison's A Wonder Isn't He
THE MAN--Edison's a wonder, isn't he?
THE MAID--I don't think so! You can't turn his incandescent
lights down low.
...
|
When Were Walking-sticks First Invented
"When were walking-sticks first invented?"
"When?"
"When Eve presented Adam with a little Cain."
...
|
Pat Said One Catholic Friend To Another
"Pat," said one Catholic friend to another, "how would you like
to be buried in a Protestant graveyard?"
"Faith an' I'd ...
|
--no Matter How High An Awning May Be Suspended It Is Only A
Shade Above The Street
--No matter how high an awning may be suspended, it is only a
shade above the street.
...
|
An Irishman Just Landed Seeing An Electric-motor Car Running
For The First Time Exclaimed: Well Well Ould Nick Must Be
Pullin' It Wid A String
An Irishman, just landed, seeing an electric-motor car running
for the first time, exclaimed: "Well, well, Ould Nick must be
pullin...
|
Dame Rumor Ought Frequently To Have Her Named Spelled Without The
E
DAME RUMOR ought frequently to have her named spelled without the
e.
...
|
Where Are You Working Now
"Where are you working now?"
"I'm working down in a match factory."
"How is business?"
"Light."
...
|
An Irish Doctor Advertises That The Deaf May Hear Of Him At A
House In Liffey Street Where His Blind Patients May See Him From
Ten Till Three
An Irish doctor advertises that the deaf may hear of him at a
house in Liffey street, where his blind patients may see him from
ten...
|
Where Are You Going My Pretty Maid
"Where are you going, my pretty maid?"
"Out automobiling, sir," she said.
"May I go with you, my pretty maid?"
"If you can s...
|
A Painter Who Fell Off A Scaffold With A Pot Of Paint In Each
Hand Said: Well I Came Down With Flying Colors Anyhow
A painter, who fell off a scaffold with a pot of paint in each
hand said: "well, I came down with flying colors, anyhow."
...
|
--i'm Very Sorry For That Boy
--"I'm very sorry for that boy. Your scolding cut him to the
quick."
--"That's impossible. He has no quick. He's a messenger boy....
|
A Lady One Day Being In Need Of Some Small Change Called
Down-stairs To The Cook And Enquired: Mary Have You Any
'coppers' Down There
A lady one day being in need of some small change called
down-stairs to the cook and enquired: "Mary, have you any
'coppers' down t...
|
When I Was Eating My Dinner To-day The Butter Ran
"When I was eating my dinner to-day the butter ran."
"That's nothing. I was up-town last night and saw a cake walk."
...
|
She--they Say That Your Father Is A Millionaire
SHE--"They say that your father is a millionaire. Is it true?"
HE--"Yes; and, strange to say, I am one also."
SHE--"How do you ...
|
Girls And Billiard Balls Kiss Each Other With Just About The Same
Amount Of Real Feeling
Girls and billiard balls kiss each other with just about the same
amount of real feeling.
...
|
Mistress--i Am Not Quite Satisfied With Your References
MISTRESS--"I am not quite satisfied with your references."
APPLICANT--"Naythur am I, mum; but they's the best I could get!"
...
|
What Are You Writing Such A Big Hand For Pat
"What are you writing such a big hand for, Pat?" "Why, you see my
grandmother is dafe, and I'm writing a loud letter to her."
...
|
There Was A Terrible Murder In The Hotel To-day
"There was a terrible murder in the hotel to-day."
"Was there."
"Yes; a paper-hanger hung a border."
"It must have been a pu...
|
As Man And Wife Are One The Husband When Seated With His Wife
Must Be Beside Himself
As man and wife are one, the husband when seated with his wife,
must be beside himself.
...
|
Well, Pat, And How Is That Bull-pup Of Yours Doing
"Well, Pat, and how is that bull-pup of yours doing?"
"Oh, he's dead! The illigant baste wint an' swallowed a
tape-measu...
|
You Treat Me Cried Mrs
"You treat me," cried Mrs. Peck, "as though I was a monkey!"
"Oh, no!" responded H. Peck, "One can train monkeys."
...
|
My Lord Said The Foreman Of An Irish Jury When Giving In His
Verdict We Find The Man Who Stole The Mare Not Guilty
"My lord," said the foreman of an Irish jury when giving in his
verdict, "we find the man who stole the mare not guilty."
...
|
Did The Fisherman Have Frog's Legs Bridget
"Did the fisherman have frog's legs, Bridget?"
"Sure I couldn't see, mum; he had his pants on."
...
|
A Woman Fell Overboard From A Ship Yesterday And A Shark Came Up
And Looked Her Over And Went Away
"A woman fell overboard from a ship yesterday and a shark came up
and looked her over and went away."
"He never touched her?"
...
|
Groceryman--pat Do You Like Apples
GROCERYMAN--"Pat, do you like apples?"
PAT--"Sure, sor, Oi wudn't ate an apple for the world."
"Why how is that?"
"Ough! did...
|
See Here Sir Remonstrated The Young Gentleman I Got Up To
Give My Seat To The Lady Not To You
"See here, sir," remonstrated the young gentleman, "I got up to
give my seat to the lady, not to you."
"Ach, dat's all right. She...
|
My Son Said The Good Old Man If You Only Work Hard Enough
When You Undertake A Thing You're Bound To Be At The Top When
You've Finished
"My son," said the good old man, "if you only work hard enough
when you undertake a thing, you're bound to be at the top when
you'v...
|
Did You Have Any Trouble With Black Ants In Ireland Bridget
"Did you have any trouble with black ants in Ireland, Bridget?"
"No, ma'am, but I had some trouble onc't with a white uncle."
...
|
There's A Young Woman Who Makes Little Things Count
"There's a young woman who makes little things count."
"How does she do it?"
"Teaches arithmetic in a primary school."
...
|
It's Thrue Said Paddy To Dennis One Day It Wor A Grand
Soight
"It's thrue," said Paddy to Dennis one day, "it wor a grand
soight. But whoile ye're standin' sit down, an' Oi'll tell ye all
about...
|
What Did You Wear Last Night
"What did you wear last night?" asked the celery. "A lovely
mayonnaise," replied the lettuce. "And you?" "Never was so
mortified in...
|
A Woman Never Fully Understands The Hardness Of The World Until
She Falls Off A Bicycle A Few Times
A woman never fully understands the hardness of the world until
she falls off a bicycle a few times.
...
|
Mrs
MRS. FUSSY--"John you're the most unreasonable man I ever met in
my life."
MR. FUSSY--"I don't doubt it. I'm the only one that ev...
|
Jonah's Experience With The Whale Is Proof That You Can't Keep A
Good Man Down
Jonah's experience with the whale is proof that you can't keep a
good man down.
...
|
Since I've Been Married I Don't Get Half Enough To Eat
"Since I've been married I don't get half enough to eat."
"Well, you must remember that we are one now."
...
|
What Man In The Army Wore The Biggest Hat
"What man in the army wore the biggest hat?"
"The one with the biggest head, of course."
...
|
Nothing Can Make A Woman So Superlatively Happy As To Have A
Baby Of Her Own To Kiss Exclaimed Mrs
"Nothing can make a woman so superlatively happy as to have a
baby of her own to kiss," exclaimed Mrs. McBride, rapturously, as
she...
|
Aren't You Afraid Dear You'll Catch Cold In The Scanty Bathing
Robe
"Aren't you afraid, dear, you'll catch cold in the scanty bathing
robe?" he asked.
"Oh, no," replied the dashing bride. "This is ...
|
Mrs
MRS. BENHAM--Our new minister's name is Stone.
BENHAM--Well, there are sermons in stones.
...
|
Algy--charming Widow Isn't She
ALGY--"Charming widow, isn't she? They say she is to marry
again."
CHOLLY--"I wouldn't want to be a widow's second husband."
A...
|
A Boston Man Upon Learning That There Were 4000 Poles In New
York Exclaimed: What A Place To Raise Beans
A Boston, man upon learning that there were 4,000 Poles in New
York, exclaimed: "What a place to raise beans."
...
|
Fred--i Had A Fall Last Night Which Rendered Me
Unconscious For Several Hours
FRED--"I had a fall last night which rendered me
unconscious for several hours."
ED--"You don't mean it? Where did you fall?"
FR...
|
I Say Old Chap How Short Your Overcoat Is
"I say, old chap, how short your overcoat is!"
"Oh, that's all right! It'll be long enough before I can afford a
new one."
...
|
Pat--'twas The Divil Of A Blow The Dago Gave Yer
PAT--"'Twas the divil of a blow the dago gave yer. Yer wuz near
Kilt."
MIKE--"Begorra, I wish I had died that I moite see the vil...
|
Jim--why Do You Wear Your Stocking Wrong Side Outward
JIM--"Why do you wear your stocking wrong side outward?"
PAT--"Because there's a hole on the other side."
...
|
Held By The Enemy--the Ulster Which We Are Unable To Redeem
"Held by the enemy"--the ulster which we are unable to redeem.
...
|
How Could You Endure Talking So Long With That Ugly Old Woman
With That Frightful Costume Without Laughing In Her Face
"How could you endure talking so long with that ugly old woman
with that frightful costume without laughing in her face?" "Oh,
that...
|
Teacher--when Does Suicide Become A Crime
TEACHER--When does suicide become a crime?
SMART BOY--When it becomes a confirmed habit.
"Nonsense, sir. Why is suicide a crime...
|
The Modern Drummer Is Not Much Like The Month Of March
The modern drummer is not much like the month of March. March is
said to come in a lion and go out a lamb, while the drummer comes
...
|
How To Signal A Bark--pull A Dog's Tail
How to signal a bark--pull a dog's tail.
...
|
Say Pop Do People Take Snuff Nowadays
"Say, pop, do people take snuff nowadays?"
"Sometimes, my son."
"Oh, then its all right?"
"What is all right?"
"Why, I he...
|
I Understand That Willoughby Was Half Seas Over At The Sneerwell
Dinner
"I understand that Willoughby was half seas over at the Sneerwell
dinner." "Oh, no. He was sailing into the port when I left."
...
|
Bacon--what's That Thread Tied About Your Little Finger For
BACON--What's that thread tied about your little finger for?
EGBERT--Oh, that's just to remind my wife to ask me if I forgot
some...
|
He--you Saw Some Old Ruins While In England I Presume
HE--You saw some old ruins while in England, I presume? SHE--Yes,
indeed! And one of them wanted to marry me.
...
|
Cholly--ethel Knox Told Me Last Night I Wasn't Over Half-witted
CHOLLY--Ethel Knox told me last night I wasn't over half-witted.
SUSIE--I shouldn't feel badly about that; she never did know
anyth...
|
Mrs
MRS. SWELLERY--What is the matter with my husband, doctor?
PHYSICIAN--Appendicitis, madam.
MRS. S.--I am so glad. I was afraid ...
|
A Man Who Drives Away Customers--the Cabman
A man who drives away customers--the cabman.
...
|
Cleverton--miss Cutler Tells Me She Has Been Putting Quinine On
Her Face Lately For Her Complexion
CLEVERTON--Miss Cutler tells me she has been putting quinine on
her face lately for her complexion.
DASHAWAY--I guess I'll go aro...
|
Maud--how Do You Define Love
MAUD--How do you define love?
MARIE--Love is the life of illusion.
"And what is marriage?" "Oh, marriage is the death of them."...
|
Weeks--well How Are Things Over In Boston
WEEKS--Well, how are things over in Boston? Have they named any
new pie "Aristotle" yet?
WENTMAN--No-o. But I heard a man there a...
|
Sunday School Teacher--what Is Meant In The Parable By A House
Built Upon A Rock
SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--What is meant in the parable by a "house
built upon a rock?"
SUNDAY SCHOOL SCHOLAR--A Harlem flat.
...
|
I Am Quite Surprised Mr
"I am quite surprised, Mr. Meeker, to account for your wife's
knowledge of parliamentary law."
"Great Caesar! Hasn't she been spe...
|
Mr
MR. GREATHEAD, the landlord, says he prefers as tenants
experienced chess player, because it is so seldom they move.
...
|
You Have A Bad Cold He Said
"You have a bad cold," he said. "I have," she replied huskily. "I
am so hoarse that if you attempted to kiss me I couldn't even
scr...
|
A Little Burn Makes A Big Smart Sometimes
A little burn makes a big smart sometimes. But even a big burn
could not make some people smart.
...
|
Don't Talk To Me About Compulsory Vaccination
"Don't talk to me about compulsory vaccination!" exclaimed the
man who had his arm in a sling. "I'm sore on that subject."
...
|
There Are Many Sweet Entrancing Moments In This Life But When A
Man Steps On Your Pet Corn You Do Not Experience One Of Them
There are many sweet, entrancing moments in this life, but when a
man steps on your pet corn you do not experience one of them.
...
|
The Impecunious Young Man Who Marries A Girl With A Substantial
Check Attached May Very Properly Be Said To Have Been Checkmated
The impecunious young man who marries a girl with a substantial
check attached may very properly be said to have been checkmated.
...
|
Visitor--i Suppose You Have A Great Deal Of Poetry Sent Into You
For Publication
VISITOR--I suppose you have a great deal of poetry sent into you
for publication?
EDITOR--No, not very much poetry as a rule; som...
|
What Is Your Idea Of Happiness
"What is your idea of happiness?"
"Nothing to do and lots of time to do it in."
...
|
--so Ethel Is To Marry That Young Bob Halstey; Why He Has Been
Jilted By Half A Dozen Girls
--So Ethel is to marry that young Bob Halstey; why, he has been
jilted by half a dozen girls.
--Case of being well shaken before ...
|
I've Been Pondering Over A Very Singular Thing
"I've been pondering over a very singular thing."
"What is it?"
"How putting a ring on a woman's third finger should place you
...
|
They Cannot Be Complete In Aught
Who Are Not Humorously Prone;
A Man Without A Merry Thought
Can Hardly Have A Funny Bone
They cannot be complete in aught
Who are not humorously prone;
A man without a merry thought
Can hardly have a ...
|
Teacher--johnny Can You Tell Me What A Section Boss Is
TEACHER--Johnny, can you tell me what a section boss is?
JOHNNY--The conductor of a sleeping-car.
...
|
Personal--'a Young Woman To Whom Black Is Particularly
Becoming Would Like To Meet A Gentleman In Poor Health; Object
Widowhood
PERSONAL--"'A young woman, to whom black is particularly
becoming, would like to meet a gentleman in poor health; object,
widowhood...
|
I Am Told Lynching Is A Pastime In This Section
"I am told lynching is a pastime in this section."
"Well, we do loop the loop occasionally."
...
|
The House A Lawyer Once Enjoy'd
"The house a lawyer once enjoy'd,
Now to a smith doth pass;
How naturally the iron age
Succeeds the...
|
Tomdick--i'd Like To Find Some Girl Willing To Marry Me
TOMDICK--I'd like to find some girl willing to marry me.
ANDARRY--Ah! You want one ready maid.
...
|
Teacher--yes Dear; Ova Refers To An Egg
TEACHER--Yes, dear; ova refers to an egg.
WILLY--Then when they throw bad eggs at an actor he gets a
literal ovation, I s'pose.
...
|
Ikey--fader Is Imbegunious Undt Inzolvent Der Same
IKEY--Fader, is "imbegunious" undt "inzolvent" der same?
FADER--Nodt at all! "Imbegunious" is ven a man has got no more
money, un...
|
She--are You Fond Of Tea
SHE--"Are you fond of tea?"
HE--"Yes; but I like the next letter better."
...
|
It Was The Morning After And He Wanted A Small Favor
It was the morning after, and he wanted a small favor.
"I admit that I am temporarily hard up," he said, "but that's
because I ca...
|
When The Penniless Lordling To Get A Rich Wife
Of His Own Nationality Fails
He Crosses The Ocean With Heart Light And Gay
And Robs The United States Males
When the penniless lordling to get a rich wife
Of his own nationality fails,
He crosses the ocean with heart light an...
|
Husband--my Dear How Would You Like A Book For A Present
HUSBAND--My dear, how would you like a book for a present?
WIFE--Very much.
"Well, what sort of a book would you like--a book o...
|
That Sounds Like The Charity Bawl Said The Nurse As The
Babies In The Orphan Asylum Began To Yell
"That sounds like the charity bawl," said the nurse, as the
babies in the orphan asylum began to yell.
...
|
He Went On A Lark
So His Wife Did Remark
And Some Angry Words Too Did She Mutter
He went on a lark,
So his wife did remark,
And some angry words, too, did she mutter.
On a lark ...
|
Condon--have You Been Cured Of That Last Attack Of Malaria
CONDON--Have you been cured of that last attack of malaria?
DENBY--Oh, yes, Doctress Anna Curem knocked it silly. But her
treatme...
|
For Years She'd Heard Her Husband Sadly Say:
Can't We Have Pies Like Mother Used To Bake
For years she'd heard her husband sadly say:
"Can't we have pies like mother used to bake?"
At last she cried: "Of co...
|
Yankee--i Say Britisher Can You Spell Horse
YANKEE--"I say, Britisher, can you spell horse?"
ENGLISHMAN--"'Orse? Why, certainly. It honly takes a haitch and a
ho and a har a...
|
What Is The Meaning Of The Saying That A Man Shall Earn His
Bread In The Sweat Of His Brow
"What is the meaning of the saying that a man shall earn his
bread in the sweat of his brow?" asked a boy in a New York
school.
...
|
A Tramp Asked A Farmer For Something To Eat
One Day As He Chanced There To Stop
The Kind Hearted Farmer Went Out To The Shed
And Gave Him An Axe And Feelingly Said:
Now Just Help Yourself To A Chop
A tramp asked a farmer for something to eat
One day as he chanced there to stop,
The kind hearted farmer went out to ...
|
Yes Said A Landlord Sadly Whose Tenant Had Made A Moonlight
Flitting Appearances Are Deceitful; But Disappearances Are
Still More So
"Yes" said a landlord, sadly, whose tenant had made a moonlight
"flitting," "appearances are deceitful; but disappearances are
stil...
|
Sailors Are Not Fond Of Agricultural Implements Usually But They
Always Welcome The Cry Of Land-hoe
Sailors are not fond of agricultural implements usually, but they
always welcome the cry of "Land-hoe."
...
|
Some Men Divide Their Lives Between Trying To Forget And Trying
To Recover From The Effects Of Trying To Forget
Some men divide their lives between trying to forget and trying
to recover from the effects of trying to forget.
...
|
Castles In The Air Are Walled In By Fancy Remarked The Poet
"Castles in the air are walled in by fancy," remarked the poet.
"Faith, I'd prefer a rale fence," said Pat.
...
|
A Boy Who Is Frequently Chastised Both By His Mother And
Grandmother Speaks Of Them As A Spanking Team
A boy who is frequently chastised both by his mother and
grandmother, speaks of them as "a spanking team."
...
|
A Man Aroused His Wife From A Sound Sleep The Other Night
Saying That He Had Seen A Ghost In The Shape Of A Donkey
A man aroused his wife from a sound sleep, the other night,
saying that he had seen a ghost in the shape of a donkey.
"Oh! let me...
|
What A Fearful Night I Had When I Drew This Gun The First Time
"What a fearful night I had when I drew this gun the first time!"
said the bartender, as he showed a handsome silver-mounted Colt.
...
|
Gee Whizz
"Gee whizz!" said the boy who had been forced to take castor oil.
"I do wish ma was a Christian Scientist!"
...
|
If You Want To See A Strong Organization Look At The Whisky
Dealers; If You Want To See A Weak One Look At The Consumers
If you want to see a strong organization, look at the whisky
dealers; if you want to see a weak one, look at the consumers.
...
|
With Cards And Dice And Dress And Friends
My Savings Are Complete;
I Light The Candle At Both Ends
And Thus Make Both Ends Meet
With cards and dice, and dress and friends,
My savings are complete;
I light the candle at both ends,
And thus...
|
There Goes A Man Who Leads In Letters
"There goes a man who leads in letters."
"Ah, indeed! What's his name?"
"A.A. Adams."
...
|
Lawyers Practice At The Bar While Bartenders And Mosquitoes
Practice Inside Of It
Lawyers practice at the bar, while bartenders and mosquitoes
practice inside of it.
...
|
A Squall On The Sea Is A Stress Of Weather And A Squaller On
Land Is A Songstress
A squall on the sea is a stress of weather, and a squaller on
land is a songstress.
...
|
Adversity Is Not Without Comfort--your Enemy May Be In Harder
Luck Than You
Adversity is not without comfort--your enemy may be in harder
luck than you.
...
|
When A Man Is Short Of Money He Finds Most Of His Friends Whom He
Meets Short-sighted
When a man is short of money he finds most of his friends whom he
meets short-sighted.
...
|
A Beautiful Lassie Named Florence
Once Wept Till Her Tears Flowed In Torence
A beautiful lassie named Florence,
Once wept till her tears flowed in torence.
When asked why she cried,
...
|
In This Glorious Land Of The Free You Always Have To Pay For The
Drinks In Order To Get A Whack At The Free Lunch
In this glorious land of the free, you always have to pay for the
drinks in order to get a whack at the free lunch.
...
|
Grace--fred And Mabel Are Not On Speaking Terms Any More
GRACE--"Fred and Mabel are not on speaking terms any more."
BELLA--"Why, I thought they were engaged."
GRACE--"So they are. The...
|
Do You Believe In Luck
"Do you believe in luck?"
"Sometimes. See that fat woman with the red hat over there?"
"Yes."
"Twenty years ago she refused ...
|
Haven't I Told You Before He Cried To Sing Out The Names Of
Stations Clearly And Distinctly
"Haven't I told you before," he cried, "to sing out the names of
stations clearly and distinctly? Bear in mind. Sing 'em out. Do
yo...
|
A Butcher Knows How To Make Both Ends Meet
"A butcher knows how to make both ends meet."
"Yes, if you give him the proper steer."
...
|
That Man Has Had Five Wives
"That man has had five wives."
"Tandem or simultaneously?"
"I don't understand."
"Is he a Mormon or a Chicago man?"
...
|
He--how Does It Happen That None Of You Women Have Come Forward
With A New Currency Plan
HE--How does it happen that none of you women have come forward
with a new currency plan?
SHE--Oh, we already have a perfect one....
|
A Boil In The Pot Is Worth Two On The Neck
A boil in the pot is worth two on the neck.
...
|
Letters From A Soldier Of Fortune--i
Letters from, a soldier of fortune--I.O.U.
...
|
I'm Very Much Surprised Quoth Harry
That Jane A Gambler Should Marry
"I'm very much surprised," quoth Harry,
"That Jane a gambler should marry."
"I'm not at all," her sister says,
"Yo...
|
Whether Tall Men Or Short Men Are Best
Or Bold Men Or Modest And Shy Men
I Can't Say But This I Protest
All The Fair Are In Favor Of Hy-men
Whether tall men, or short men are best,
Or bold men, or modest and shy men,
I can't say, but this I protest,
...
|
An Irishman Wandering Up Fifth Avenue Saw In The Window Of A
Photographer's Shop A Large Photograph Of Mephisto
An Irishman wandering up Fifth avenue saw in the window of a
photographer's shop a large photograph of Mephisto. He went
inside, an...
|
Did You Shoot Anything Henrick
"Did you shoot anything, Henrick?"
"Yes, a duck."
"What! a wild one?"
"No, but the farmer was wild."
...
|
He--the Fact Is You Women Make Fools Of The Men
HE--"The fact is, you women make fools of the men."
SHE--"Sometimes, perhaps; but sometimes we don't have to."
...
|
What Was The Subject Of Your Debate This Evening
"What was the subject of your debate this evening?"
"Whisky."
"Was it well discussed?"
"Yes, most of the members were full o...
|
The Doctor--you Regard Society As Merely A Machine Do You
THE DOCTOR--"You regard society as merely a machine, do you? What
part of the machinery do you consider me, for instance?"
THE PR...
|
Do You Think The Elevator Boy Stole Your Watch
"Do you think the elevator boy stole your watch?"
"Well, he swore up and down that he didn't."
...
|
Slopay--and Doctor If You Will I Wish You Would Give Me
Something To Help My Memory
SLOPAY--"And, doctor, if you will, I wish you would give me
something to help my memory. I forget so easily."
DOCTOR--"Very well....
|
If The Devil Lost Its Tail Where Would He Go To Get Another One
If the devil lost its tail, where would he go to get another one?
To a liquor store where they retail spirits.
...
|
What Must A Man Be That He Shall Be Buried With Military
Honors
"What must a man be that he shall be buried with military
honors?"
"He must be a captain."
"Then I lose the bet."
"What did...
|
Actor Friend (inquiring At Boarding House)--has Mr
ACTOR FRIEND (inquiring at boarding house)--Has Mr. Comedy taken
his departure yet?
"Yes," snapped the landlady, "but that's all ...
|
We Have German Bands And French Bands And American Bands But
You Never Hear Of An Irish Band
"We have German bands and French bands and American bands, but
you never hear of an Irish band. You couldn't have one. Every man
wo...
|
He Dined Not Wisely But Too Well--
Hence All His Ills;
And Nothing Now Agrees With Him
Excepting Pills
He dined, not wisely, but too well--
Hence all his ills;
And nothing now agrees with him,
Excepting pills.
...
|
Tommy--yes Cats Can See In The Dark And So Can Ethel; 'cause
When Mr
TOMMY--Yes, cats can see in the dark, and so can Ethel; 'cause
when Mr. Wright walked into the parlor when she was sitting all
alon...
|
Too Bad They Can't Train Cats To Understand Baseball Remarked
The Fat Man To His Neighbor On The Bleachers
"Too bad they can't train cats to understand baseball," remarked
the fat man to his neighbor on the bleachers. "They'd make ideal
u...
|
Oh I Am Awfully Worried
"Oh, I am awfully worried. I walk in my sleep." "I only wish I
could do it. If I could I'd still have my job on the police
force."
...
|
He Was A Genial Smiling Man
And Fond Of Whisky Plain
But When He Joined The Temperance Club
He Never Smiled Again
He was a genial, smiling man
And fond of whisky plain,
But when he joined the temperance club,
He never smiled...
|
She Wants To Be Punctual Always On Time
So Carries Her Watch Where She Goes
She wants to be punctual, always on time,
So carries her watch where she goes.
And if you examine her wardrobe you'll...
|
Merchant (to His Confidential Clerk)--here's A Letter From Mr
MERCHANT (to his confidential clerk)--Here's a letter from Mr.
Slowpay, but no money. What's the matter with him?
CLERK--Oh, he's...
|
Only A Silver Watch Said The Pawnbroker
"Only a silver watch," said the pawnbroker. "The last time I
advanced you money on your watch it had a solid gold case."
"Yes," r...
|
Visitor--oh What A Nice Parrot You've Got
VISITOR--"Oh, what a nice parrot you've got! Pretty Polly! Polly
want a cracker?"
PARROT--"Oh, come off! I'm not as green as I lo...
|
Dear Said The Physician's Wife When Can You Let Me Have Ten
Dollars
"Dear," said the physician's wife, "when can you let me have ten
dollars?"
"Well," replied the medical man. "I hope to cash a dra...
|
Newlywed-what Do Bachelors Know About Women
NEWLYWED-"What do bachelors know about women?"
OLDBACH-"Lots; otherwise they would not be bachelors."
...
|
And Did You Never Kiss A Girl Under The Mistletoe
"And did you never kiss a girl under the mistletoe?"
"Well, no; its pleasanter to kiss her under the nose."
...
|
Wife-will You See That My Grave Is Kept Green My Darling
WIFE-Will you see that my grave is kept green, my darling?
HUSBAND--No, my dear, but I will plant violets upon it.
"For what re...
|
Haughty Lady--(who Has Purchased A Stamp)-must I Put It On
Myself
HAUGHTY LADY--(who has purchased a stamp)-Must I put it on
myself?
POST OFFICE ASSISTANT (very politely)--Not necessarily, ma'am;...
|
My Dentist Has An Eagle Eye
And Vicious Tools He Hacks With
He's Clever But I've Come To Think
He'd Make A Better Blacksmith
My dentist has an eagle eye
And vicious tools he hacks with,
He's clever, but I've come to think
He'd make a b...
|
Well I See Admiral Dewey's Rank Is Reduced
"Well, I see Admiral Dewey's rank is reduced."
"What is he, a commodore?"
"No."
"A captain?"
"No."
"Well, what is he?"...
|
Well Have You Anything To Say
"Well, have you anything to say?" asked the Judge.
The little man on the witness stand looked around the court-room
rather fearfu...
|
I Hope They Don't Give My Little Boy Any Naughty Nicknames In
School
"I hope they don't give my little boy any naughty nicknames in
school?"
"Yes, ma, they call me 'Corns'."
"How dreadful! And wh...
|
Every Time I Get On A Ferry Boat It Makes Me Cross
"Every time I get on a ferry boat it makes me cross."
...
|
How Is Uncle Mose Coming On
"How is Uncle Mose coming on?" asked Sam Johnsing of Jim Webster.
"He will be out in a few days."
"Is his rheumatism done gone?...
|
--when Mrs
--"When Mrs. Riley died she left $40,000 sewed up in her bustle."
--"Dear me! That's a lot of money to leave behind."
...
|
John Can You Tell Me The Difference Between Attraction Of
Gravitation And Attraction Of Cohesion
"John, can you tell me the difference between attraction of
gravitation and attraction of cohesion?"
"Yes, sir; attraction of gra...
|
Doctor--you Are Fagged Out; You Must Give Up All Headwork
DOCTOR--You are fagged out; you must give up all headwork.
PATIENT--Why, that spells ruin! I'm a hair-dresser!
...
|
After A Man Has Had Occasion To Employ A First-class Lawyer It Is
Useless To Tell Him That Talk Is Cheap
After a man has had occasion to employ a first-class lawyer it is
useless to tell him that talk is cheap.
...
|
My Dear What Makes You Always Yawn
"My dear, what makes you always yawn?"
The wife exclaimed, her temper gone,
"Is home so dull and dreary?"
...
|
A Man Stole A Harness The Other Day And Never Left A Trace
A man stole a harness the other day and never left a trace.
...
|
Why Does A Donkey Eat Thistles
"Why does a donkey eat thistles?" asked a Texas teacher of one of
the largest boys in the class.
"Because he is an ass, I reckon....
|
Doing Anything Now Bill
"Doing anything now, Bill?"
"Oh, yes, I'm kept busy all the time."
"Ah, glad to hear it. What are you doing?"
"Looking for a...
|
Jones Caught The Hay Fever From Dancing With A Grass Widow
"Jones caught the hay fever from dancing with a grass widow."
...
|
Of All The Saws
That I Ever Saw Saw
I Never Saw A Saw
Saw Like This Saw Saws
Of all the saws
That I ever saw saw,
I never saw a saw
Saw like this saw saws.
...
|
I See Villainy In Your Face Said A Judge To A Prisoner
"I see villainy in your face," said a judge to a prisoner.
"May it please your honor," said the latter, "that is a personal
refle...
|
Don't Pen Missives To Your Best Girl On Postal Cards
Don't pen missives to your best girl on postal cards. She may
have suspicion that you do not care two cents for her.
...
|
Can You Give Me A Front Room On The First Floor
"Can you give me a front room on the first floor?" asked a
travelling man of the recently installed clerk.
"Can I give it to you?...
|
I Know A Man Who Says He Can't Sit Down And He Can't Stand Up
"I know a man who says he can't sit down and he can't stand up."
"Well, if he tells the truth, he lies."
...
|
Mirrors Reflect Without Speaking And Women Often Speak Without
Reflecting
Mirrors reflect without speaking and women often speak without
reflecting.
...
|
A Mechanic His Labor Will Often Discard
,
If the rate of his pay he dislikes:
But a clock-and its case is uncommonly hard--
Will continue to ...
|
I Don't Think My Religion Will Be Any Obstacle To Your Church
He Urged; I Am A Spiritualist
"I don't think my religion will be any obstacle to your church,"
he urged; "I am a spiritualist."
"I am afraid it will," she repl...
|
One Day In The Dining-car The Boy Across The Aisle Got To
Laughing So He Couldn't Stop
"One day in the dining-car, the boy across the aisle got to
laughing so, he couldn't stop. I said to his mother, 'that boy
needs a ...
|
The Tramp Should Never Complain Of Hunger When He Can Always
Enjoy A Little Loaf
The tramp should never complain of hunger when he can always
enjoy a little loaf.
...
|
My Face Is My Fortune Sir She Said
But Her Suitor Saw Right Through Her;
She Meant She Could Not Cash A Check
Unless The Banker Knew Her
"My face is my fortune, sir," she said,
But her suitor saw right through her;
She meant she could not cash a check,
...
|
I Understand That Judge Brown Is Breaking Up Housekeeping
"I understand that Judge Brown is breaking up housekeeping."
"That can't be. He's very busy these days deciding divorce
cases."
...
|
That Was A Pretty Good Dog Story Wasn't It
"That was a pretty good dog story, wasn't it?" asked Dinwiddie,
as he finished telling one.
"Yes," replied Gaswell; "but it was t...
|
Casey Bet On A Horse Which Finished Last
Casey bet on a horse which finished last. He went down to the
paddock, called out the jockey who had ridden him and said: "In
hivin...
|
And You Really Think That A Miss Is As Good As A Mile
"And you really think that a miss is as good as a mile?"
"Yaas, and a good deal better, for one can kiss a miss, when one
...
|
Friend--do You Permit Your Wife To Have Her Own Way
FRIEND--Do you permit your wife to have her own way?
HUSBAND (positively)--No, sir. She has it without my permission.
...
|
I'm Not Surprised That Hair-dressers Feel So Much At Ease In The
Society Of The Great
"I'm not surprised that hair-dressers feel so much at ease in the
society of the great."
"You're not?"
"No; they are surrounde...
|
She--they Say The Eyes Are The Windows Of The Soul I Believe
She--They say the eyes are the windows of the soul, I believe.
He--Yes; and when a man goes into a drug store and shuts a window
...
|
Boy (with New Gun)--pa Has A Cat Got Nine Lives
BOY (with new gun)--"Pa, has a cat got nine lives?"
PAPA (donor of gun)--"Yes, so we are told. Why do you ask?"
BOY--"Well, the...
|
What Became Of That Girl You Made Love To In The Hammock
"What became of that girl you made love to in the hammock?"
"We fell out."
...
|
Did You Hear The Story About The Peacock
"Did you hear the story about the peacock?"
"No."
"It's a beautiful tale."
...
|
Boss Hab You Got Any Ob Dem Confound Cavortic Pills
"Boss, hab you got any ob dem confound cavortic pills?"
"Yes. Do you want them plain or coated?"
"Dunno. I want dem ones what's...
|
Why Is A Kiss Like The Three Graces
"Why is a kiss like the three graces?"
"Its faith to a girl; hope to a young woman and charity to an old
maid."
...
|
Things Are Wrong Remarked The Observer Of Events And Things
When A Reputable Physician Has To Pay Money For A Certificate To
Practice And A Fourteen-year-old Girl With A New Piano Doesn't
"Things are wrong," remarked the observer of events and things,
"when a reputable physician has to pay money for a certificate to
p...
|
In Choosing A Wife Said The Scanty-haired Philosopher One
Should Never Judge By Appearances
"In choosing a wife," said the scanty-haired philosopher, "one
should never judge by appearances."
"That's right," rejoined the v...
|
Say Did You Ever Feel As If You Wanted To 'hit The Pipe
"Say, did you ever feel as if you wanted to 'hit the pipe?'"
"No, but I've often felt as if I wanted to hit the man who was
smoki...
|
It Was This A-way Jedge: Ye See I Doled De Cards And Jim
Brown He Had A Pah Of Aces And A Pah Of Kings
"It was this a-way, jedge: Ye see, I doled de cards, and Jim
Brown he had a pah of aces and a pah of kings."
"What did you have?"...
|
Have You Received Last Month's Gas Bill Dear
"Have you received last month's gas bill, dear?"
"Yes, husband."
"Well, what's the charge of the light brigade?"
...
|
You Are Absolutely Certain About Your Statement
"You are absolutely certain about your statement?" asked the
lawyer.
"Absolutely certain," assented the witness.
"You swear th...
|
Where Did You Get That Hair On Your Coat
"Where did you get that hair on your coat?"
"From the head of the bed."
...
|
Mr
MR. B.--"You won't want that new novel now that you have the new
baby, will you?"
MRS. B.--"Yes, I want them both. To have and to...
|
She--you Say Your Automobile Has Been Acting Strangely All Day
SHE--"You say your automobile has been acting strangely all day?"
HE--"Yes; it has stopped I don't know how many times."
SHE--"...
|
Massachusetts Is Noted For Boots And Shoes
"Massachusetts is noted for boots and shoes."
"Yes and Kentucky is noted for shoots and booze."
...
|
Only The Highest Element In Local Society Was Invited To The
Ball
"Only the highest element in local society was invited to the
ball."
"Oh, I see! It was a high-ball."
...
|
She--a Writer Says That In Order To Succeed A Man Must Be
Ninety-five Per Cent
SHE--"A writer says that in order to succeed a man must be
ninety-five per cent. backbone."
HE--"Oh, I don't know. A good many wh...
|
Sillicus--do You Think We Shall Know Each Other In The Hereafter
SILLICUS--Do you think we shall know each other in the hereafter?
CYNICUS--I hope so. Few of us really know each other here.
...
|
Some Fellows Marry Poor Girls To Settle Down And Others Marry
Rich Ones To Settle Up
Some fellows marry poor girls to settle down and others marry
rich ones to settle up.
...
|
Some People Who Jump At Conclusions Lose Sight Of The Hurdles
Some people who jump at conclusions lose sight of the hurdles.
...
|
It's A Dridful Bother To Me That I Have To Be Sewing Buttons On
Me Own Clothes
"It's a dridful bother to me that I have to be sewing buttons on
me own clothes. If I was only a married man I'd ask me woife
niver...
|
She--you Can't Eat Cake And Keep It
SHE--You can't eat cake and keep it.
HE--Oh, yes, you can--the kind you make.
...
|
Says His Lordship To Thomas Your Rent I Must Raise
I'm So Plaguily Pinch'd For The Pelf
Says his lordship to Thomas, "Your rent I must raise,
I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf."
"Raise my rent!" replies...
|
Scene--cabstand
SCENE--Cabstand. Lady distributing tracts, hands one to cabby,
who glances at it, hands it back and says politely, "Thank you,
lady...
|
Sentimental Wife--last Night I Dreamt That I Was In Heaven
SENTIMENTAL WIFE--Last night I dreamt that I was in heaven.
GRUFF HUSBAND--You did, eh? Why the deuce didn't you stay there?
...
|
He Said To Her: You're Just A Bird
He said to her: "You're just a bird!"
"Then, Johnnie, dear," said she,
"If all is true that I have heard,
A bo...
|
A Frankfort Man Has Written A Farce Comedy Called Vaccine
A Frankfort man has written a farce comedy called "Vaccine." It
ought to take.
...
|
As The Umpire Shouted Three Balls
As the umpire shouted "Three balls!" the batsman started
guiltily.
"This isn't the first time I've raised something on a diamond,...
|
Husband--where's Your Mistress
HUSBAND--"Where's your mistress? She said she'd be ready in a
minute, and I've waited half an hour."
MAID--"She'll be down in a s...
|
Ah
"Ah! I'm saddest when I sing,"
She sang in plaintive key;
And all the neighbors yelled,
"So are we! so are we....
|
Pa What Does Sioux Falls S
"Pa, what does Sioux Falls, S.D., mean?"
"Eh? Sioux Falls is the name of a town."
"And what's S.D.?"
"Swift divorce, of cour...
|
A Watch's Fate Is Hard Indeed
For When It's Not In Soak
It's Set Back If It Gets Ahead
And Scorned Whene'er It's Broke
A watch's fate is hard indeed,
For when it's not in soak
It's set back if it gets ahead
And scorned whene'er i...
|
After Wedding A Rich Heiress Price
Said Gambling's A Terrible Vice
But One Thing I Know
This Matching For Dough
Is A Thing That's Exceedingly Nice
After wedding a rich heiress, Price
Said, "Gambling's a terrible vice,
But one thing I know,
This matching f...
|
Firemen As Well As Other People Like To Talk Of Their Flames
Firemen, as well as other people, like to talk of their flames.
...
|
The Speaker Of The House Is In Deadly Peril When Every Member On
The Floor Wants To Get His Eye
The speaker of the house is in deadly peril when every member on
the floor wants to get his eye.
...
|
I Asked A Young Lady Living On Her Pa's Farm What They Did With
All Their Fruit
I asked a young lady living on her pa's farm what they did with
all their fruit? Says she: "We eat all we can and can all we
can't....
|
Regular Caller--i'd Like To See Your Father Tommy If He Isn't
Engaged
REGULAR CALLER--"I'd like to see your father, Tommy, if he isn't
engaged."
TOMMY--"He is; but what is the matter with Clara? She ...
|
What Is A Swell Affair Jim
"What is a swell affair, Jim?"
"Swell affair! lemme see. Ah! yes, I know--a boil."
"Something else, try again."
"No, give it...
|
There's A Great Art Says Mickey Dolan In Knowing What Not To
Know Whin Yez Don't Want To Know It
"There's a great art," says Mickey Dolan, "in knowing what not to
know whin yez don't want to know it."
...
|
And So Prof
"And so Prof. Greene has at last discovered the missing link!
Where did he find it?"
"Under the bureau, I understand."
...
|
Young Ladies Who Feel Anxious To Preserve The Most Symmetrical
Anatomical Proportions Should Never Be In A Hurry
"Young ladies who feel anxious to preserve the most symmetrical
anatomical proportions, should never be in a hurry. They should
rem...
|
Anything New In Your Neighborhood
"Anything new in your neighborhood?" we asked a farmer.
"Yes, the whole neighborhood is stirred up," he replied.
"What is the c...
|
I Don't Give A Rap Said The Coachman Haughtily As He Rang
The Electric Bell
"I don't give a rap," said the coachman, haughtily, as he rang
the electric bell.
...
|
A Farmer Once Called His Cow Zephyr
She Seemed Such An Amiable Hephyr
A farmer once called his cow "Zephyr,"
She seemed such an amiable hephyr.
When the farmer drew near,
She k...
|
Are You Engaged
"Are you engaged?" inquired the lady of Bridget at the
intelligence office. "No, mum, but I have regular company for
four nights o'...
|
How To Gain Flesh--buy Out A Butcher Shop
How to gain flesh--buy out a butcher shop.
...
|
Ida--yes Dear This Is One Of Those 'perfume' Concerts The Same
As They Have In New York
IDA--"Yes, dear, this is one of those 'perfume' concerts the same
as they have in New York."
MAY--"Perfume? Why I smell gasoline....
|
When The Curtain At The Theater Takes A Drop The Majority Of The
Males In The Audience Go Out To Follow Suit
When the curtain at the theater takes a drop the majority of the
males in the audience go out to follow suit.
...
|
There's One Peculiar Feature About The Trust Business
"There's one peculiar feature about the trust business."
"What?"
"Those interested in it don't need it."
"Don't need what?"
...
|
A Woman's Shoe That Is A Mile Too Big Is Never A Foot In
Length
A woman's shoe that is "a mile too big," is never a foot in
length.
...
|
Full Many A Coat Tail That Is Long And Wide
Does From The Public Gaze Two Monstrous Patches Hide
Full many a coat tail that is long and wide
Does from the public gaze two monstrous patches hide.
...
|
The Glazier Is Not Necessarily A Tiresome Man Because He Gives
You A Pane
The glazier is not necessarily a tiresome man because he "gives
you a pane."
...
|
Some Men Are Easily Satisfied Remarked The Observer Of Events
And Things
"Some men are easily satisfied," remarked the Observer of Events
and Things. "There is the clock-maker, for instance, he never
gets...
|
A Poacher Surprised At His Work And Pursued In His Escape By A
Vengefully Thrown Axe Remarked As He Vaulted A Fence: I Have
No Fault To Find With Your Remarks But I Object To The
Axe-sent
A poacher, surprised at his work and pursued in his escape by a
vengefully thrown axe, remarked, as he vaulted a fence: "I have
no ...
|
Take Away My First Letter Take Away My Second Letter Take Away
All My Letters And I Am Still The Same
Take away my first letter, take away my second letter, take away
all my letters and I am still the same. What am I? The postman.
...
|
You Have Been Losing Flesh Lately Haven't You
"You have been losing flesh lately, haven't you?" "Yes, I've been
shaving myself."
...
|
An Emblem Of Tenuity
We Witness Every Day;
Behold The Corset-and You'll See
The Whale-bone Comes To Stay
An emblem of tenuity
We witness every day;
Behold the corset-and you'll see
The whale-bone comes to STAY.
...
|
He--did You Ever See Anything At So-called Bargain Sales That Was
Really Cheap
HE--Did you ever see anything at so-called bargain sales that was
really cheap?
SHE--Yes; the look on the man's face who accompan...
|
Teacher Of Drawing Class--willie Tell Me How You Would Make A
Maltese Cross
TEACHER OF DRAWING CLASS--"Willie, tell me how you would make a
maltese cross."
WILLIE--"Step on his tail, mum."
...
|
Guest--look Here Waiter Do You Call This A Spring Chicken
GUEST--"Look here, waiter, do you call this a spring chicken? By
the lord Harry, it is as tough as a mother-in-law's tongue."
WAI...
|
About The Only Time My Tailor Gives His Customers Regular Fit
Said Buttons Is When They Neglect To Pay Their Bills
"About the only time my tailor gives his customers regular fit,"
said Buttons, "is when they neglect to pay their bills."
...
|
A Man With The Heart Disease Is About The Only Chap Who Desires A
Regular Beat For A Bosom Friend
A man with the heart disease is about the only chap who desires a
"regular beat" for a bosom friend.
...
|
The Landlord Came To Mrs
The landlord came to Mrs. O'Hooligan on the first day of May
last, and said: "See here, my foine loidy, I am going to raise
your re...
|
He--the Bride Looks Radiant As Brides Usually Do
HE--The bride looks radiant, as brides usually do.
SHE--Yes, but the bridegroom appears rather run down.
HE--Run down eh? That'...
|
She--you Look As Though You Had Raised Ned At Your Club Last
Night
SHE--You look as though you had raised Ned at your club last
night.
HE--I did; and, what is worse, he raised me back.
...
|
Franklin--do You Know I Started In Life As A Barefooted Boy
FRANKLIN--"Do you know, I started in life as a barefooted boy?"
HARDY--"Well, I'll tell you I wasn't born with shoes on."
...
|
Before Marriage Women Wants Tenderness
Before marriage, women wants tenderness. In a little while she is
satisfied with legal tender.
...
|
Pat--who Is Being Lowered Into A Well; Sthop Will Ye Murphy
PAT--Who is being lowered into a well; "Sthop, will ye, Murphy?
Oi want to coom up again."
MURPHY--Still letting him down, "Phat ...
|
It Is A Maine Husband Who Has Dubbed His Wife Crystal Because
She Is Always On The Watch
It is a Maine husband who has dubbed his wife "Crystal," because
she is always "on the watch."
...
|
So Maude Is Happily Married
"So Maude is happily married?"
"Happily? I should say she is! Why she married a somnambulist,
who gets up in his sleep every morn...
|
Two Hebrews Went To A Mills Hotel And Were Obliged To Take A Bath
Before Retiring
Two Hebrews went to a Mills Hotel and were obliged to take a bath
before retiring.
Upon beholding each other, one shouted in surp...
|
A Teacher In A High School Asked A Little Wad Of An Irish Boy To
Describe A Lake
A teacher in a high school asked a little wad of an Irish boy to
describe a lake. "Sure and it is hole in the kettle."
...
|
The First Kiss Only Comes Once In A Lifetime
The first kiss only comes once in a lifetime.
The trouble with the fellow who loses his temper is that he
always finds it again.
...
|
The Portrait Tumbled From The Wall
And Hit The Young Man's Head
The portrait tumbled from the wall
And hit the young man's head.
"A striking likeness!" That was all
The rue...
|
The Fact That A Man Has Not Cut His Hair For Ten Or Twelve Years
Need Not Necessarily Imply That He Is Eccentric
The fact that a man has not cut his hair for ten or twelve years
need not necessarily imply that he is eccentric. He may be bald.
...
|
When A Couple Are About To Elope The Young Man Asks
When a couple are about to elope the young man asks, "Does your
mother know your route?"
...
|
I Will Not Sit That Way
"I will not sit that way!" angrily screamed the obstinate lady in
the photographer's gallery. "I can't, and I won't; so there!"
"...
|
An Irishman In Order To Celebrate The Advent Of A New Era Went
Out On A Lark
An Irishman in order to celebrate the advent of a new era, went
out on a lark. He didn't get home, till 3 o'clock in the morning,
a...
|
Good Gracious Said The Hen When She Discovered A Porcelain Egg
On The Nest
"Good gracious," said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg
on the nest. "I shall be a bricklayer next."
...
|
Are You Intimate With Any Of The Nobility
"Are you intimate with any of the nobility?" asked Chippy. "Well,
rather!" replied Clubdoodle. "I got a queen full last night, and
...
|
Electricity Is A Great Educator
Electricity is a great educator. Think what it has done to make
men see things in a new light.
...
|
Will The Coming Man Use Both Arms
"Will the coming man use both arms?" asks a scientist. "Yes, if
he can trust the girl to handle the reins."
...
|
I Hear Smith The Sea Captain Is In Hard Luck
"I hear Smith, the sea captain, is in hard luck. He married a
girl and she ran away from him."
"Yes, he took her for a mate, but ...
|
Another Great Discovery Of Diamonds In Kentucky
Another great discovery of diamonds in Kentucky! A man got five
of them on the first deal.
...
|
What Makes So Much Froth In A Glass Of Beer Pa
"What makes so much froth in a glass of beer, pa?"
"The barkeep, my son."
...
|
Moses Schaumburg (to His Son Jackey)--how Many Are Twice Two
Jackey
MOSES SCHAUMBURG (to his son Jackey)--"How many are twice two,
Jackey?"
JACKEY-"Tervice two ish six."
"You are wrong, Jackey. ...
|
'tis Now The Wily Urchin Mocks
The Lynx-eyed Cop Along The Docks
And Plunges In The Cooling Tide
Arrayed In Naught Else But His Hide
'Tis now the wily urchin mocks
The lynx-eyed cop along the docks,
And plunges in the cooling tide,
Arrayed in naug...
|
Everybody Knows A Woman Is Hard To Please
Everybody knows a woman is hard to please. She likes the
matrimonial harness, but doesn't like to be hitched up with a man
who is s...
|
I Wonder Why Blondes Are Always Anxious To Be Wedded
"I wonder why blondes are always anxious to be wedded?"
"I guess it is because they're naturally light-headed."
...
|
Each Evening A Good-looking Mr
Each evening a good-looking Mr.
Comes around for a visit to my Sr.;
One night on the stairs,
He, all u...
|
Do You Know The Nature Of An Oath Ma'am
"Do you know the nature of an oath, ma'am?" inquired the judge.
"Well, I reckon I orter," was the reply. "My husband drives a
canal...
|
Brown--young Dudel's Body Has Been Recovered
BROWN--"Young Dudel's body has been recovered." "Why, I didn't
know he had been drowned." "He hasn't. He merely bought a new
suit o...
|
Yes I Have Seen The Day When Mr
"Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Hart the millionaire, did not
have a pair of shoes to cover his feet."
"And when was that, pra...
|
Widowhood Makes A Woman Unselfish
"Widowhood makes a woman unselfish." "Why so?" "Because she
ceases to look out for Number One and begins to look out for
Number Two...
|
The Judge Asked An Irish Policeman Named O'connell When Did You
Last See Your Sister
The judge asked an Irish policeman named O'Connell, "When did you
last see your sister?" The policeman replied: "The last time I
sa...
|
If Broomstick As Rumored Is In A Woman's Hands He May Be
Booked To Beat The Favorite
If Broomstick, as rumored, is in a woman's hands, he may be
booked to beat the favorite.
Torchlight and Igniter, coupled should p...
|
Brown--what Kind Of A Cigar Is That Old Man
BROWN--What kind of a cigar is that, old man?
JONES--It's called "The Soldier Boy."
BROWN--H'm, I notice it belongs to the rank...
|
Can I Sell You A Nice Cheap Trunk To-day
"Can I sell you a nice cheap trunk to-day?" asked a dealer.
"And what the dickens do Oi be after wantin' a thrunk?"
"To put you...
|
We Are Told That Gen
We are told that "Gen. Sherman was always coolest when on the
point of attack." Most people are hottest when on the point of a
tack...
|
I Wish The Hot Weather Would Come Along Sighed The
Thermometer
"I wish the hot weather would come along," sighed the
thermometer. "People are beginning to look upon me as a thing of
low degree."...
|
I Wouldn't Stand For That If I Were You
"I wouldn't stand for that if I were you. Why don't you call him
a liar?"
"That's just what I'll do. Where, where is your telepho...
|
This Murmured The Demure Maiden When Her Lover Nudged Up
Still Closer On The Sofa Is The Closest Call I've Ever Had
"This," murmured the demure maiden, when her lover nudged up
still closer on the sofa, "is the closest call I've ever had."
...
|
The Rapidity Of Ocean Transport Is Becoming Truly Marvelous
The rapidity of ocean transport is becoming truly marvelous. A
sea captain boasts that he finished loading a cargo of wheat at
San ...
|
You Are Making Yourself Rather Officious In This Crowd Said A
Burly Policeman To A Notorious Pickpocket
"You are making yourself rather officious in this crowd," said a
burly policeman to a notorious pickpocket. "I am only trying to
di...
|
The Slats Of The Shutter Of Our Office-window Are In A
Dilapidated Condition
The slats of the shutter of our office-window are in a
dilapidated condition. "Please help the blind."
...
|
Did You Ever Catch Your Husband Flirting
"Did you ever catch your husband flirting?"
"Yes; that's the very way I did catch him."
...
|
A Deaf And Dumb Mute Recently Went Into A Bicycle Shop And Picked
Up A Hub And Spoke
A deaf and dumb mute recently went into a bicycle shop and picked
up a hub and spoke.
...
|
The Girl Who Marries A Title Very Frequently Turns Her Fortune To
A Count
The girl who marries a title very frequently turns her fortune to
a count.
...
|
There Appears To Be No Affinity Between The Prestidigitator And
The Theatrical Manager Yet They Both Make Passes
There appears to be no affinity between the prestidigitator and
the theatrical manager, yet they both make passes.
...
|
We Don't Always Know Just How The Other Half Lives; But In
Chicago The Better Half Lives On Her Alimony
We don't always know just how the "other half" lives; but, in
Chicago, the "better half" lives on her alimony.
...
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What Did De Lady Do When Yer Asked Her For An Old Collar
"What did de lady do when yer asked her for an old collar?"
"She gave me a turndown."
...
|
Are Any Of The Colors Discernible To The Touch
"Are any of the colors discernible to the touch?" asked the
school teacher.
"I have often felt blue," replied the boy at the head...
|
What Is There About Betting On Horse-races That Is So Bad For
The Health
"What is there about betting on horse-races that is so bad for
the health?" said young Mrs. Brown.
"I never heard of anything," a...
|
Jackson Never Lights One Of His Cigars
"Jackson never lights one of his cigars. Just keeps it in his
mouth and chews the end. I've often wondered why."
"You wouldn't if...
|
Jones The Dentist Ought To Make A Good Poker Player
Jones the dentist, ought to make a good poker player.
Why?
He draws and fills so well.
...
|
Customer (to The Coal Dealer): Have You Got Any Name For Those
Scales Of Yours
Customer (to the coal dealer): "Have you got any name for those
scales of yours?"
"I never heard of scales having a name."
"We...
|
First Senior--heard About Exsheff
FIRST SENIOR--Heard about Exsheff? He went down into South
Africa, and he's come home a regular repository of Zulu
spearheads and B...
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What Makes Your Sister So Stout Now She Used To Be Very Thin
"What makes your sister so stout now, she used to be very thin?"
"She's working down in a photographer's."
"Why, how does that ...
|
Jack--are You A Suitor For Miss Juliet's Hand
JACK--"Are you a suitor for Miss Juliet's hand?"
TOM--"Yes; but I didn't."
"Didn't what?"
"Suit her."
...
|
What's The Matter With Smith
"What's the matter with Smith?"
"Why?"
"He goes along as abstractedly as though he were drunk and were
seeing double."
"He ...
|
Business Men Who Marry Their Typewriter Girls Are Apt To Find
That The Young Women Are Not So Ready To Submit To Dictation
After The Wedding
Business men who marry their typewriter girls are apt to find
that the young women are not so ready to submit to dictation
after th...
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The First Impulse Of The Young Married Man On Being Presented
With His First Baby Is To Give It A-weigh
The first impulse of the young married man, on being presented
with his first baby, is to give it a-weigh.
...
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Mrs
MRS. B.--Have you seen the new dance called "The Automobile?"
MR. B.--No; sort of breakdown, I suppose?
...
|
A Young Lady In Philadelphia Is Said To Have Had Five Lovers All
Named Samuel
A young lady in Philadelphia is said to have had five lovers, all
named Samuel. Her photograph album must be a book of Sams.
...
|
You Should Sleep On Your Right Side Madam
"You should sleep on your right side, madam."
"I really can't do it, doctor; my husband talks in his sleep, and
I can't hear a th...
|
There Is A Presbyterian In Jersey City So Openly Opposed To
Baptism By Immersion That He Refuses To Carry A Waterbury Watch
There is a Presbyterian in Jersey City so openly opposed to
baptism by immersion that he refuses to carry a Waterbury watch.
...
|
The Following Is A Resolution Of An Irish Corporation: That A
New Jail Should Be Built That This Be Done Out Of The Material
Of The Old One And The Old Jail To Be Used Until The New One Be
Completed
The following is a resolution of an Irish corporation: "That a
new jail should be built, that this be done out of the material
of t...
|
City Niece--the Windows In Our New Church Are Stained
City Niece--"The windows in our new church are stained."
Country Aunt--"Ain't that a pity. Can't they get nothing to take
it off?...
|
Don't You Find It Easier To Shave Some Men Than Others
Broker--"Don't you find it easier to shave some men than others?"
Barber--"Yes; don't you?"
...
|
Say Dad What Is An Expert Accountant
"Say Dad, what is an expert accountant?"
"An expert accountant," replied the father, "is a man who becomes
famous by robbing a ba...
|
Some Men Get Up With The Lark While Others Want A Swallow The
First Thing In The Morning
Some men get up with the lark, while others want a swallow the
first thing in the morning.
...
|
He--time And Tide Wait For No Man
HE--Time and tide wait for no man.
SHE--No, but a woman will.
...
|
Sing Not To Me Of Falling Dew
Upon The Purple Hills
For I Am Worried Far Too Much
By Falling Due Of Bills
Sing not to me of falling dew
Upon the purple hills,
For I am worried far too much
By falling due of bills.
...
|
You Say His Wife's A Brunette
"You say his wife's a brunette? I thought he married a blonde."
"He did, but she dyed."
...
|
Miss Prim Is A Very Proper Young Lady
"Miss Prim is a very proper young lady."
"Yes; she wouldn't even accompany a young man on the piano
without a chaperon."
...
|
He's Quite A Star As An After Dinner Speaker Isn't He
"He's quite a star as an after dinner speaker, isn't he?"
"Star? He's a regular moon. He becomes brighter the fuller he
gets."
...
|
Dick--do You Think You'll Have Much Trouble In Popping The
Question
DICK--"Do you think you'll have much trouble in popping the
question?"
TOM--"No, I think I'll have more trouble in questioning th...
|
What Do You Think Of Windig
What do you think of Windig?
He reminds me of a river.
What's the answer?
The biggest part of him is his mouth.
...
|
Here Is A Chestnut Your Ire Arouses
So Often It's Brought To Your Minds
People Who Live In Glass Houses
Should Always Pull Down The Blinds
Here is a chestnut your ire arouses,
So often it's brought to your minds,
"People who live in glass houses"
Sh...
|
Yes The Team Is Quite A Good One Mr
"Yes, the team is quite a good one, Mr. Horsley," he said as he
returned the livery man's brag team, "but it has two drawbacks."
"O...
|
The Old Lady Who Sent As Presents To A Newly-married Couple A
Rolling-pin A Pain Of Flat-irons And A Motto Inscribed Fight
On Must Have A Grudge Against Them
The old lady who sent as presents to a newly-married couple a
rolling-pin, a pain of flat-irons and a motto inscribed "Fight
On," m...
|
A Man Who Had Not The Best Reputation For Strict Veracity Died
The Other Day And The Family Was Greatly Incensed Because Some
Well-meaning Friends Sent In A Broken Lyre As A Floral Tribute
A man who had not the best reputation for strict veracity died
the other day, and the family was greatly incensed because some
well...
|
It's Been A Coal Day When You're Left Said The Kindling-wood
To The Cinder
"It's been a coal day when you're left," said the kindling-wood
to the cinder. "You're too chip-per," replied the cinder to the
kin...
|
That Young Gentleman Has A Very Taking Manner Said One Young
Lady To Another At A Party Of A Young Man Who Had Just Left
Them
"That young gentleman has a very taking manner," said one young
lady to another at a party, of a young man who had just left
them.
...
|
Kid--did The Dogs Ever Bite You
KID--Did the dogs ever bite you?
GENT--What dogs?
KID--The dogs you ran after. Pa was telling Ma that you used to
chase the gr...
|
Guard--i Suppose When You Were In The Army You Often Saw A Picket
Fence
GUARD--I suppose when you were in the army you often saw a picket
fence?
G.A.R.--Yes, but is was a more common sight to see a sen...
|
A Simple Old Farmer Mcveagh
Whom Every One Said Was A Jeagh
Fell In With A Man
On The Confidence Plan
And Now He Is Back Making Heagh
A simple old farmer, McVeagh,
Whom every one said was a jeagh,
Fell in with a man
On the con...
|
Why The Bare Idea
"Why, the bare idea!"
"Of what, dear?"
"Telling the naked truth!"
...
|
Bess--may Wears The Worst Clothes When She Is Riding Horseback
BESS--May wears the worst clothes when she is riding horseback.
Look at her now!
FRED--That certainly is one of her bad habits.
...
|
That Said The Loaf Pointing To The Oven Is Where I Was
Bred
"That," said the loaf, pointing to the oven, "is where I was
bred."
...
|
First Fly--did It Ever Occur To You The Baldheaded Men Have A
Keener Sense Of Humor Than Others
FIRST FLY--Did it ever occur to you the baldheaded men have a
keener sense of humor than others?
SECOND FLY--Well, I have noticed...
|
The Rubber Plant Was Rubb'ring Round
In A Manner Most Absurd:
The Long Green Corn Prickled Up Her Ears
And This Is What She Heard:
Wot's Tomato Wid You You Beat
The rubber plant was rubb'ring round
In a manner most absurd:
The long green corn prickled up her ears
And thi...
|
Why Do You Call Your Dog Hardware
"Why do you call your dog hardware?"
"Because when I go to whip him he makes a bolt for the door."
...
|
Husband--that Ice Box Of Ours Reminds Me Of A Good Pinochle
Player
HUSBAND--That ice box of ours reminds me of a good pinochle
player.
WIFE--Why?
HUSBAND--Because it is a great melter.
...
|
He: Do You Know Dear You Remind Me Of Huyler's Candy
HE: Do you know, dear, you remind me of Huyler's candy.
SHE: Why? Because I am "so sweet?"
HE: No! "Fresh every hour."
...
|
Landlady (proudly)--nothing Goes To Waste In This House
LANDLADY (proudly)--Nothing goes to waste in this house. I make
hash out of everything that's left over.
BOARDER--(musingly)--But...
|
If Said The Druggist You Will Give This New Tonic A Trial
I'm Sure You Will Never Use Any Other
"If," said the druggist, "you will give this new tonic a trial
I'm sure you will never use any other."
"Excuse me," rejoined the ...
|
Do You Know George Papa Thinks You Are A Literary Man
"Do you know, George, Papa thinks you are a literary man."
"Where did he get that idea?"
"I don't know, but he said you looked ...
|
Student--professor Which Is The Logical Way Of Reaching A
Conclusion
STUDENT--Professor, which is the logical way of reaching a
conclusion?
PROFESSOR--Take a train of thought, my boy.
...
|
Smith--they Say That After A Time The Engineer Of A Limited Flyer
Loses His Nerve
SMITH--They say that after a time the engineer of a limited flyer
loses his nerve.
JONES--The engineer, perhaps, but not the Pull...
|
What Do You Mean By Referring To Miss Elderly As A Pall-bearer
"What do you mean by referring to Miss Elderly as a pall-bearer?"
"She sits around all day long with a green parrot on her
should...
|
Courtney--when You Proposed To Miss Dexter Did You Get Down On
Your Knees
COURTNEY--When you proposed to Miss Dexter did you get down on
your knees?
BARCLAY--No, I couldn't; she was sitting on them.
...
|
Kicksy--wife Can You Tell Me Why I Am Like A Hen
KICKSY--Wife, can you tell me why I am like a hen?
MRS. KICKSY--No, dear, why is it?
KICKSY--Because I can seldom find anything...
|
Did You Ever Hear About The Two Holes In Our Back-yard
"Did you ever hear about the two holes in our back-yard?"
"Well! Well!"
...
|
Old Jones Was Killed Last Night By A Dew-drop
"Old Jones was killed last night by a dew-drop."
"Must have been a very heavy one."
"About four hundred tons."
"Horrible!"
...
|
First Doctor--well Doctor I Had A Peculiar Case To-day
FIRST DOCTOR--Well, doctor, I had a peculiar case to-day.
SECOND DOCTOR--What was it, please?
FIRST DOCTOR--I attended a grass ...
|
Fred--did You Hear Of The Western Furniture Co
FRED--Did you hear of The Western Furniture Co. advertising for
models.
DICK--What for?
FRED--To try on Parlor suits.
...
|
Yes There Is One Part Of The Dough-nut That Wouldn't Give You
Dyspepsia
"Yes, there is one part of the dough-nut that wouldn't give you
dyspepsia."
"And what part is that?"
"The hole in the middle!"...
|
Fannie--why Do People Always Apply The Name Of She To A City
FANNIE--Why do people always apply the name of "she" to a city?
GEORGE--I don't know. Why is it?
FANNIE--Because every city has...
|
And You Really Believe That Friday Is An Unlucky Day
"And you really believe that Friday is an unlucky day?"
"I know it is."
"Washington was born on Friday, and so was Napoleon and...
|
Are You An Amateur Photographer
"Are you an amateur photographer?"
"No. Why do you ask?"
"Oh, I heard that you got Miss Rox's negative last night."
...
|
Pat And Mike Each Wanted To Be First Up On St
Pat and Mike each wanted to be first up on St. Patrick's Day.
PAT--"If I'm up first I'll make a chalk mark on the door."
MIKE--...
|
Sibly--when Steve Proposed To Me He Acted Like A Fish Out Of
Water
SIBLY--When Steve proposed to me he acted like a fish out of
water.
TIRPIE--Why shouldn't he? He knew he was caught.
...
|
She--why Do They Call It An Arm Of The Sea
SHE--Why do they call it an arm of the sea?
HE--Because it hugs the shore, I guess.
...
|
The Sunshine Warm And Budding Trees
Made Johnny Feel Quite Gay
The sunshine warm and budding trees,
Made Johnny feel quite gay.
He went to swim--the obsequies
Are being held...
|
What's The Matter John
"What's the matter, John? You look kind o' weather-beaten this
morning."
"That's exactly what I am. I bet five dollars it would r...
|
Can You Swim Little Boy
"Can you swim, little boy?"
"Yes, sir."
"Where did you learn?"
"In the water, sir."
...
|
I Wonder What The Holes In A Porous Plaster Are For
MILLIE--"I wonder what the holes in a porous plaster are for?"
WILLIE--"Why, they're for the pain to come out through, of
...
|
It's A Good Idea To Make Light Of Your Troubles
"It's a good idea to make light of your troubles." "I do,"
replied Happigo; "whenever a creditor sends me a letter I burn
it."
...
|
What Have You Got To Say For Yourself
"What have you got to say for yourself?" "Jes dis, suh; I wants a
liar to defend me." "You mean a lawyer?" "Yes, suh; I knowed I
mo...
|
So Her Second Husband Is A Tenor
"So her second husband is a tenor?"
"Yes; she says her first was a bass deceiver!"
...
|
I Cannot Play Second Fiddle To Any One
"I cannot play second fiddle to any one."
"Then be my beau!"
...
|
Jimson--now You Wouldn't Marry Me Would You
JIMSON--Now, you wouldn't marry me, would you?
MISS SEARS--Most certainly not; but why do you ask such a
question?
JIMSON--Jus...
|
Clara--he Gave Me An Army-and-navy Kiss
CLARA--"He gave me an army-and-navy kiss."
MAUD--"What kind is that?"
CLARA--"Oh, rapid fire--sixty a minute!"
...
|
Young Man Don't You Know You Ought To Lay Something By For A
Rainy Day
"Young man, don't you know you ought to lay something by for a
rainy day?" "I do; my rubbers."
...
|
The Only Remedy--mamma I Dess You'll Have To Turn The Hose On
Me
THE ONLY REMEDY--"Mamma, I dess you'll have to turn the hose on
me."
"Why, dear?"
"'Tause I'se dot my 'tocking on wrong side o...
|
He--i Saw You Out Driving Yesterday With A Gentleman
HE--"I saw you out driving yesterday with a gentleman. He
appeared to have only one arm; is that all he has?"
SHE--"Oh, no; the o...
|
Why Are Pugilists Like Chickens
"Why are pugilists like chickens?"
"Because they live on 'scraps!'"
...
|
May--i Wonder What The Men Do At The Club
MAY--I wonder what the men do at the club?
PAMELA--From what Jack says I guess they play with the kitty most
of the time.
...
|
Swatter--i See You Are Mentioned In One Of The Books Just
Published
SWATTER--I see you are mentioned in one of the books just
published.
PRIMLY--Indeed! What book?
SWATTER--The directory.
...
|
Do You Go To Church To Hear The Sermon Or The Music Maude
"Do you go to church to hear the sermon or the music, Maude?" "I
go for the hims," said Maud.
...
|
Customer--why Do You Call This Electric Cake
CUSTOMER--Why do you call this electric cake?
BAKER'S BOY--I 'spose becuz it has currants in it.
...
|
That Tenor Of Yours Has A Marvelous Voice
"That tenor of yours has a marvelous voice. He can hold one of
his notes for half a minute."
"Shucks! I've held one of his notes ...
|
Coleridge Who Was A Bad Rider Was Accosted When On Horseback By
A Wag Who Asked Him If He Knew What Happened To Balaam The
Same Thing That Happened To Me--an Ass Spoke To Him
Coleridge, who was a bad rider, was accosted when on horseback by
a wag, who asked him if he knew what happened to Balaam, "The
sam...
|
Mother--what Did Your Father Say When He Saw His Broken Pipe
MOTHER--"What did your father say when he saw his broken pipe?"
Innocent--"Shall I leave out the swear words, mother?"
Mother--"Cer...
|
So You Were Bound And Gagged By Bandits While In Italy Were
You
"So you were bound and gagged by bandits while in Italy, were
you?" asked the garrulous person; "regular comic-opera bandits,
eh?"
...
|
An Excellent Reason
An excellent reason.--Casey--"Oi'll wurk no more fer thot mon
Dolan." Mrs. Casey--"An' phwy?" Casey--"Shure, t'is an account av
a r...
|
Old Lady (at A Ball Game)--why Do They Call That A Fowl
OLD LADY (at a ball game)--"Why do they call that a fowl? I don't
see no feathers."
O'RILEY--"No ma'am. It's a picked nine."
...
|
Men Are Deceivers As A Rule
Men are deceivers as a rule,
And trust them far you never can;
Though at confectioner's sometimes
You...
|
A Lady Was Looking For Her Husband And Inquired Anxiously Of A
Housemaid Do You Happen To Know Anything Of Your Master's
Whereabouts
A lady was looking for her husband and inquired anxiously of a
housemaid, "Do you happen to know anything of your master's
whereabo...
|
Have You Much Room In Your New Flat
"Have you much room in your new flat?"
"Room! Mercy me, I should think not. Why, our kitchen and
dining-room are so small that we...
|
Couples Making Love Will Beware Of The Rubber Plant
"Couples making love will beware of the rubber plant." "While
driving through the park don't speak to your horses. They carry
tales...
|
She Heard The Fog-horn Blowing
And What Is That
She heard the fog-horn blowing,
"And what is that?" quoth she,
The sailor merrily
Replied: "it's just the dog-...
|
She Thinks That Her Husband Is Very Economical
"She thinks that her husband is very economical."
"In what way?"
"She says that although he is passionately fond of cloves, he
...
|
I Saw Your Sister On The Street To-day
"I saw your sister on the street to-day."
"How was she looking?"
"I don't know. I didn't see her face."
"How did you know it...
|
What Is The Secret Of Success
"What is the secret of success?" asked the Sphinx.
"Push," said the Button.
"Never be led," said the Pencil.
"Take pains," s...
|
He Kissed Her On The Cheek;
It Seemed A Harmless Frolic;
He's Been Laid Up A Week--
They Say With Painter's Colic
He kissed her on the cheek;
It seemed a harmless frolic;
He's been laid up a week--
They say, with painter's c...
|
Charlemagne Was In Need Of Amusement
Charlemagne was in need of amusement.
"Why," they asked him, "do you have such a large number of court
jesters in constant attend...
|
A Certain Young Man Told His Girl The Other Night That If She
Didn't Marry Him He'd Get A Rope And Hang Himself Right In Front
Of Her Home
A certain young man told his girl the other night that if she
didn't marry him he'd get a rope and hang himself right in front
of h...
|
Three Women May A Secret Keep
If As It Has Been Said
There's One Of The Lot Has Heard It Not
And The Other Two Are Dead
Three women may a secret keep
If, as it has been said,
There's one of the lot has heard it not
And the other t...
|
Lovett--you Don't Believe In Divorce Then
Lovett--You don't believe in divorce, then?
Hayter--No, sir; I've got too much sportin' blood.
Lovett--What has that to do with...
|
Lawyer: Have You Conscientious Scruples Against Serving As A
Juror Where The Penalty Is Death
Lawyer: "Have you conscientious scruples against serving as a
juror where the penalty is death?"
Boston Talesman: "I have."
La...
|
Cohen Left The Ball-game
Cohen left the ball-game because he said the umpire looked right
at him when he called "three balls!"
...
|
A Maine Dealer Says He Has Sold More Skates This Season Than He
Has Ever Sold Before In An Entire Season
"A Maine dealer says he has sold more skates this season than he
has ever sold before in an entire season."
"That proves what I h...
|
Alas For All Their Ecstasy
They Knew Not What Was Best:
The Young Man Reached The Front Door
The Old Man Did The Rest
Alas, for all their ecstasy,
They knew not what was best:
The young man reached the front door,
The old man di...
|
Paw Can An Honest Man Play Poker
"Paw, can an honest man play poker?"
"Yes, Tommy; but he can't win anything."
...
|
If Pearl Street Is Crooked
If Pearl Street is crooked;
Is Union Square?
...
|
Why So Glum Blumly
"Why so glum, Blumly? Anything gone wrong?"
"Yes, I've just lost two of my best friends."
"By death or marriage?"
"Neither. ...
|
Little Mary Quite Contrary
Little Mary, quite contrary,
How does your appetite grow?
Lobsters and quail, champagne in a pail,
An...
|
He--then I Am To Understand That You Have Given Me The Mitten As
It Were
HE--Then I am to understand that you have given me the mitten, as
it were?
SHE--You have said it.
HE--And is this all?
SHE-...
|
Hey Boy Where's Your Brother
"Hey, boy, where's your brother?"
"In the barn, shoein' horses."
"Where's your mother?"
"In the back yard, shooin' chickens....
|
Harold Began His Wife
"Harold!" began his wife, in a furious temper, "my mind is made
up----"
"Mercy!" interrupted her husband; "is that so? I...
|
Customer: You Have A Sign In Your Window 'a Suit Of Clothes
Made While You Wait
CUSTOMER: "You have a sign in your window, 'A suit of clothes
made while you wait.' Do you really do that?"
TAILOR: "Yes, sir. Yo...
|
Mother May I Go Out To Wheel
"Mother, may I go out to wheel?"
"Yes, my darling daughter;
I suppose, of course, you won't wear skirts,
Altho...
|
Lady--what
LADY--What! You here again? I don't believe you have done a thing
all Summer.
TRAMP--You do me an injustice, mum. I jist finished...
|
Betty, Why Do You Sit Up At This Hour Of The Night Darning Your Stockings
"Betty, why do you sit up at this hour of the night darning your
stockings?" said mother, sharply; "don't you know it's 12
o...
|
Now Why Remarked The Little Dog In Speaking To The Tree
Would You Say That The Heart Of You Is Like The Tail Of Me
"Now, why," remarked the little dog, in speaking to the tree,
"Would you say that the heart of you is like the tail of me?"
...
|
Butcher--i Need A Boy About Your Size And Will Give You $1 A
Week
BUTCHER--I need a boy about your size, and will give you $1 a
week.
APPLICANT--Will I have a chance to rise?
BUTCHER--Yes; I w...
|
A Prominent Man Called To Condone With A Lady On The Death Of Her
Husband And Concluded By Saying Did He Leave You Much
A prominent man called to condone with a lady on the death of her
husband, and concluded by saying, "Did he leave you much?"
"Nea...
|
Bill Had A Billboard
Bill had a billboard. Bill also had a board bill. The board bill
bored Bill so that Bill sold the billboard to pay board bill. So,
...
|
Tommy--pa Did You Really Mean It When You Said You'd Spank
Anyone That Broke That Vase
TOMMY--Pa, did you really mean it when you said you'd spank
anyone that broke that vase?
PA--Just come here, sir, and I'll show y...
|
Here Lies Poor Sam: And What Is Strange
Grim Death Has Worked In Him A Change----
He Always Lied And Always Will
He Once Lied Loud And Now Lies Still
"Here lies poor Sam: and what is strange,
Grim death has worked in him a change----
He always lied and always will,
...
|
I'd Like To See Your Mistress
"I'd like to see your mistress. Is she engaged?"
"Lord, sir! she's married; been married for twenty years."
...
|
Brown--i Hear That They Use All Sorts Of Materials In The
Manufacture Of Illuminating Gas Nowadays
BROWN--I hear that they use all sorts of materials in the
manufacture of illuminating gas, nowadays.
JONES--True. They even make ...
|
Me Eyes Is Crossed Sighed Kate
"Me eyes is crossed," sighed Kate. "No, love,"
"Not crossed," cried Pat. "Be jaber,
'Tis jist that aich is jealous of...
|
The Other Day The Head Of A Boarding-school Noticed One Of The
Boys Wiping His Knife On The Table-cloth And Pounced On Him At
Once
The other day the head of a boarding-school noticed one of the
boys wiping his knife on the table-cloth, and pounced on him at
once...
|
John--say Do You Want To Get Next To A Scheme For Making Money
Fast
JOHN--Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making money
fast?
TOM--Sure I do.
JOHN--Glue it to the floor.
...
|
Pa Said Little Williewho Had Been Reading A Treatise On
"Pa," said little Willie, who had been reading a treatise on
phrenology, "what is a bump of destructiveness?"
"Why--er--...
|
He Always Kneeled Before The Maid
And Kissed Her Finger Tips;
But He Lost Out
He always kneeled before the maid
And kissed her finger tips;
But he lost out. Another man
Came by and kissed ...
|
Charley Dear Said Young Mrs
"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I hope you are not
going into politics."
"What made you think of that?"
"I heard yo...
|
A Man And His Bride By The Parson Were Tied
And When The Performance Was Done
Alas
A man and his bride by the parson were tied,
And when the performance was done,
"Alas!" exclaimed he, examining his f...
|
Mistress (to Cook Who Has Fallen Down Stairs)--i Hope That You
Did Not Hurt Yourself Mary
MISTRESS (to cook who has fallen down stairs)--I hope that you
did not hurt yourself, Mary?
MARY--Oh, no, ma'am; Oi overtook mese...
|
We're All Often Forced To Rob Peter
In Order To Settle With Paul
But Some Of Us Merely Rob Peter
And Paul Never Sees Us At All
We're all often forced to rob Peter
In order to settle with Paul,
But some of us merely rob Peter
And Paul nev...
|
She--i Think This A Lovely Hat You Bought Me George But Really
It's A Sin To Pay $50
SHE--"I think this a lovely hat you bought me, George, but really
it's a sin to pay $50.00 for it."
HE--"Well, the sin is on your...
|
Knock And The World Knocks With You
Knock, and the world knocks with you;
Boost, and you boost alone!
When you roast good and loud
You will...
|
How Did You Cure Your Boy Of Swearing
"How did you cure your boy of swearing?"
"By the laying on of hands, principally."
...
|
Ma What Is A Panama Man Called
"Ma, what is a Panama man called?"
"A Panaman, Johnny."
"Then what is a Panama woman?"
"If she's married and obeys President...
|
He Who Courts And Goes Away
May Court Again Another Day;
But He Who Weds And Courts Girls Still
May Go To Court Against His Will
He who courts and goes away,
May court again another day;
But he who weds and courts girls still
May go to cou...
|
A Notice At A Small Depot Near Manchester Reads:
Passengers Are Requested To Cross Over The Railway By The
Subway
A notice at a small depot near Manchester reads:
"Passengers are requested to cross over the railway by the
subway."
This remi...
|
Mary Had A Little Lamb
But She Thought It Was Immense:
With New Green Peas And Other Things
It Cost Her Ninety Cents
Mary had a little lamb,
But she thought it was immense:
With new green peas and other things
It cost her ninet...
|
Little Willie--papa Why Does The Railway Company Have Those
Cases With The Ax And Saw In Every Car
LITTLE WILLIE--Papa, why does the railway company have those
cases with the ax and saw in every car?
FATHER--I presume they are p...
|
The Kerosene Can On The Mantel Reposes
Its Contents Were Sprinkled All Over The Fire
And All That Poor Kathleen O'donohue Knows Is
This Dull World Has Changed For A Sphere That Is Higher
The kerosene can on the mantel reposes,
Its contents were sprinkled all over the fire,
And all that poor Kathleen O'D...
|
He Seems To Have Gone To The Bad Completely
"He seems to have gone to the bad completely."
"Yes; I believe he found himself between the devil and the deep
sea, and he realiz...
|
As He Walked With Baby
He Had To Confess
That Marriage With Him
Was A Howling Success
As he walked with baby
He had to confess
That marriage with him
Was a howling success.
...
|
The Spinster--how Many Lodges Did You Say Your Husband Belonged
To
THE SPINSTER--How many lodges did you say your husband belonged
to?
THE WIFE--Fifteen.
THE SPINSTER--My goodness! just think o...
|
Seven Little Missionaries--
Horrible Their Fate--
Cannibals Picked Clean Their Bones
Then They Were Ate
Seven little missionaries--
Horrible their fate--
Cannibals picked clean their bones
Then they were ate.
...
|
Judge--you Are Charged With Profanity
JUDGE--You are charged with profanity.
PRISONER--I am not.
JUDGE--You are, sir. What do you mean?
PRISONER--I was, but I got...
|
I Hate A Liar Wiggins Cried
Said Jiggins Then 'twould Seem
You Really Ought To Try And Hide
Your Lack Of Self-esteem
"I hate a liar," Wiggins cried,
Said Jiggins, "Then 'twould seem
You really ought to try and hide
Your lack of...
|
Kind Lady Remarked The Weary Wayfarer Can You Oblige Me With
Something To Eat
"Kind lady," remarked the weary wayfarer, "can you oblige me with
something to eat?"
"Go to the woodshed and take a few chops," r...
|
Lady (after The Tramp Finishes Eating)--it's Merely A
Suggestion--the Woodpile Is In The Back Yard
Lady (after the tramp finishes eating)--It's merely a
suggestion--the woodpile is in the back yard.
Tramp--You don't say! What a ...
|
Said She How Beautiful Is Nature
Said she, "How beautiful is nature!"
Said the young man, "Yes, quite true;"
Then, added, as he viewed her complexion,...
|
How To Make Your Trousers Last
Make Your Coat And Waistcoat First
"How to make your trousers last,"
"Make your coat and waistcoat first."
...
|
The Stork Is A Bird With A Great Big Bill;
He Brings Us The Babies Whenever He Will;
Then Comes The Doctor And When He Is Through
You Find That He Has A Big Bill Too
The stork is a bird with a great big bill;
He brings us the babies whenever he will;
Then comes the doctor, and when he...
|
Dearest Whispered Cordelia After She Had Captured The Coveted
Solitaire I Have A Confession To Make
"Dearest," whispered Cordelia, after she had captured the coveted
solitaire, "I have a confession to make. I am a cooking school
gr...
|
If Tough Spells Tough
If t-o-u-g-h spells tough,
And d-o-u-g-h spells dough,
Does s-n-o-u-g-h spell snuff?
Or, simply snow?...
|
The Wife (savagely)--don't Let Me Catch You Flirting
THE WIFE (savagely)--Don't let me catch you flirting.
THE HUSBAND (meekly)--No, dear, never again. That's the way you
did catch m...
|
He Called Her An Angel Before They Were Wed
But That Alas
He called her an angel before they were wed,
But that, alas! didn't endure.
For ere many months had passed over his h...
|
Elderly Man (greeting Former Acquaintance)--i Remember Your Face
Perfectly Miss But Your Name Has Escaped Me
Elderly Man (greeting former acquaintance)--"I remember your face
perfectly, miss, but your name has escaped me."
The Young Woman...
|
These Verses Make No Sense Said She;
I Can't Tell What They Mean
"These verses make no sense," said she;
"I can't tell what they mean."
"Good! they'll make dollars then," cried he,
...
|
The Barber--did I Ever Shave You Before
THE BARBER--Did I ever shave you before?
THE VICTIM--Yes, once.
THE BARBER--I don't remember your face.
THE VICTIM--No; I su...
|
They Say The Baby Looks Like Me
A Circumstance I Dreaded
But The Only Likeness I Can See
Is That We're Both Bald-headed
They say the baby looks like me,
A circumstance I dreaded,
But the only likeness I can see
Is that we're both ...
|
Do You Think The Things One Eats Have A Direct Effect On One's
Disposition
"Do you think the things one eats have a direct effect on one's
disposition?"
"Well, rather. We had Indian meal pudding so often ...
|
I Once Saw A Man At A Meeting Of A Mothers' Club
"I once saw a man at a meeting of a mothers' club."
"That's nothing; I once saw a teetotaler on a fishing trip."
...
|
Bluff A Little Bluff A Little
As You Go Your Way;
Bluffing May Not Always Help You--
Many Times It May
Bluff a little, bluff a little
As you go your way;
Bluffing may not always help you--
Many times it may.
...
|
The Butcher Is A Fair Minded Fellow
The butcher is a fair minded fellow. He is always willing to meet
his customers half weigh.
...
|
A Queen Was She--the Beautiful Maid--
Beauty Or Wealth She Did Not Lack--
But The Game Was Euchre That Cupid Played
And The Queen Was Won By A Jack
A queen was she--the beautiful maid--
Beauty or wealth she did not lack--
But the game was euchre that Cupid played,
...
|
So You Paid $1,000 For A Cook Stove
"So you paid $1,000 for a cook stove! Don't you think that was a
good deal?"
"Yes, but they threw in a cook with it: she...
|
Where Are You Going My Pretty Maid
"Where are you going, my pretty maid?"
"I'm going to cut the corn," she said.
"Can I go with you, my pretty maid?"
...
|
Medium--do You Believe In Spirits
MEDIUM--Do you believe in spirits?
BUSYMAN (off guard)--When taken in moderation, yes.
...
|
You Never Bought A Gold Brick Did You
"You never bought a gold brick, did you?" asked the admiring
friend.
"Not exactly," answered Mr. Cumrox. "But I once came mighty ...
|
The Fate Of Lot's Wife
Was All Her Own Fault;
She First Turned To Rubber
And Then Turned To Salt
The fate of Lot's wife
Was all her own fault;
She first turned to "rubber,"
And then turned to salt.
...
|
I Was In The Depot Restaurant Of One Of The Great Railroads And
Was Asked Why Am I Standing While Drinking My Coffee
I was in the depot restaurant of one of the great railroads, and
was asked why am I standing while drinking my coffee. All the
rest...
|
He Used To Send Her Roses;
He Sent Them Every Hour
But Now They're Married And He Sends
Her Home A Cauliflower
He used to send her roses;
He sent them every hour,
But now they're married and he sends
Her home a cauliflowe...
|
John--i Went Into A Restaurant To-day
JOHN--I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie that I had
was a peach.
TOM--That's nothing, I went into a saloon and had no...
|
Her Face Was Happy
His Face Was Stern;
Her Hand Was In His'n
His'n Was In Her'n
Her face was happy,
His face was stern;
Her hand was in his'n,
His'n was in her'n.
...
|
Jack--my Wife's A Fine Shot
JACK--"My wife's a fine shot. She can hit a dollar every time."
FRED--"That's nothing, my wife goes through my trousers and never
...
|
A Man Wanted A Ticket To New York And Only Had A $2 Bill
A man wanted a ticket to New York, and only had a $2 bill. It
required $3 to get the ticket. He took the $2 bill to a pawnshop,
paw...
|
Is A Howling Dog A Sign Of Death
"Is a howling dog a sign of death?"
Said Doolittle to Dunn.
"Of course it is, if the dog will wait
Until I get...
|
No Indeed She Said I Can Never Be Your Wife
"No, indeed," she said, "I can never be your wife. Why, I had
half a dozen offers before yours."
"Huh!" rejoined the young man in...
|
There Was A Young Woman Named Hannah
Who Put On A Great Many Airs
She Stepped On A Peel Of Banana
And Now She's Laid Up For Repairs
There was a young woman named Hannah,
Who put on a great many airs,
She stepped on a peel of banana,
And now s...
|
What Sort Of Labor Is Best Paid In This Country
"What sort of labor is best paid in this country?" asked the
English tourist.
"Field labor," answered the native American.
"Is...
|
This Life's A Game Of Chance They Say:
The Saw's More Sad Than Witty
The Public Gathers 'round To Play
The Trust Controls The Kitty
This life's a game of chance, they say:
The saw's more sad than witty,
The public gathers 'round to play,
The ...
|
George--i Can't Understand Why My Girl Shook Me
GEORGE--I can't understand why my girl shook me.
HAROLD--What was that you wrote to her the last time?
GEORGE--All that I said ...
|
Now Comes The Question Which Will Make
This Life A Bitter Cup
Now comes the question which will make
This life a bitter cup....
How many hoopskirts will it take
To fill a t...
|
Speaking Of Accommodating Hotel Clerks Remarked A Portland
Commercial Traveller The Best I Ever Saw Was In A Town Near
Bangor
"Speaking of accommodating hotel clerks," remarked a Portland
commercial traveller, "the best I ever saw was in a town near
Bangor....
|
A Recent School Examination In England Elicited The Following
Definitions:
Noah's Wife Wrote One Boy Was Called Joan Of Arc
A recent school examination in England elicited the following
definitions:
"Noah's wife," wrote one boy, "was called Joan of Arc....
|
Why Don't You Demand $50000 Instead Of $5000
"Why don't you demand $50,000 instead of $5,000?" said the
lawyer.
"Oh, because," explained the lady of the breach of promise sui...
|
I'll Admit Said Mrs
"I'll admit," said Mrs. Hylo, "there are some things I don't
know"----
"That's no lie," interrupted her husband.
"But," contin...
|
Friend Of Mine To-day Said Mr
"Friend of mine to-day," said Mr. Kidder, "was talking of coming
here to board."
"I hope," remarked Mrs. Starvem, "you were pleas...
|
An English Motorist Is Quoted As Saying That He Classed
Pedestrians As The Quick And The Dead: Those Who Got Out Of The
Way And Those Who Didn't
An English motorist is quoted as saying that he classed
pedestrians as the quick and the dead: those who got out of the
way and tho...
|
Yes Dear Said The Petted Young Wife Examining Her Christmas
Gift These Diamond Earrings Are Pretty But The Stones Are
Awfully Small
"Yes, dear," said the petted young wife, examining her Christmas
gift, "these diamond earrings are pretty, but the stones are
awful...
|
Two Irish Farmers Who Had Not Seen Each Other For A Long Time Met
At A Fair
Two Irish farmers who had not seen each other for a long time met
at a fair. They had a lot of things to tell each other. "Shure,
i...
|
A Bashful Young Couple Who Were Evidently Very Much In Love
Entered A Crowded Street Car In Boston The Other Day
A bashful young couple, who were evidently very much in love,
entered a crowded street car in Boston the other day. "Do you
suppose...
|
When The Old Man Is Shaking Down The Furnace Carrying Out The
Ashes Feeding The Cat And Six Kittens And Making The Beds
Remarked The Observer Of Events And Things Of Course He Is Too
Busy To Hear His Daughter In The Parlor Singing: 'everybody
Works Bu
"When the old man is shaking down the furnace, carrying out the
ashes, feeding the cat and six kittens, and making the beds,"
remar...
|
I Assured Her I Could Support Her In The Style She Was
Accustomed To
"I assured her I could support her in the style she was
accustomed to."
"Well?"
"She said she was looking for something better...
|
Do You Believe In Transmigration Of Souls
"Do you believe in transmigration of souls?"
"Well," answered the man who never admits that he doesn't know
everything, "I wouldn...
|
After All You Know Said Mr
"After all, you know," said Mr. Oldbeau, "a man is only as old as
he feels"----
"Yes," said Miss Pepprey, "but some old men make ...
|
At A West End Hotel One Of The Party Asked:
Have You Got Any Celery Waiter
At a West End hotel one of the party asked:
"Have you got any celery, waiter?"
"No, sir," was the significant answer; "I relies...
|
Yeast--did You Ever Try To Dye Eggs
YEAST--Did you ever try to dye eggs?
CRIMSONBEAK--No, I never did; but I've tried 'em after they were
dead.
...
|
A Dude From St
A dude from St. Louis named Crute
Had a habit of saying, "Oh, shoot!"
He said it one day
To a man in Ouray,
...
|
How Is Your House Heated
"How is your house heated?"
"By hot air."
"Hot air?"
"Yes--the landlord's."
...
|
I Want To Get A Head Of Cabbage Said The Man Who Had Been Sent
To Market
"I want to get a head of cabbage," said the man who had been sent
to market.
"Large or small head?" asked the grocer.
"Oh, abo...
|
I'll Pass The Butter Said He While Trying To Pass The
Browsing Goat
"I'll pass the butter," said he, while trying to pass the
browsing goat.
"I'll butt the passer," said the goat, as he helped him ...
|
Yes He's Got A Flying-machine Ready For A Trial Now And He's
Trying Hard Not To Be Proud
"Yes, he's got a flying-machine ready for a trial now and he's
trying hard not to be proud?"
"Why shouldn't he be proud?"
"Wel...
|
He Has None Of The Finer Sensibilities Nothing To Distinguish
Him From The Common Herd
"He has none of the finer sensibilities, nothing to distinguish
him from the common herd."
"No?"
"No, sir. I've heard him conf...
|
Why Did You Insist On Only $99000 A Year As Your Salary
"Why did you insist on only $99,000 a year as your salary?"
"Because," answered the high financier, "as soon as people hear a
hun...
|
Tom--i Kissed Her When She Wasn't Looking
Tom--I kissed her when she wasn't looking.
Clara--What did she do?
Tom--Kept her eyes closed the rest of the evening.
...
|
Jenks--why On Earth Did You Laugh So Heartily At That Ancient
Jest Of Borem's
Jenks--Why on earth did you laugh so heartily at that ancient
jest of Borem's?
Wise--In self-defense.
Jenks--in self-defence?
...
|
There Is As Much Strength In An Egg As In A Pound Of Meat
There is as much strength in an egg as in a pound of meat.
Gotabug--I should say so. I've smelt eggs that had more strength
than ...
|
A Sporty Young Fellow Named Phipps
Last Night Went To View The Eclipse
A sporty young fellow named Phipps
Last night went to view the eclipse.
The moon looked so queer.
He set up a ...
|
For Mercy Sake Don't Put Me Near Old Billions
"For mercy sake, don't put me near old Billions!" said Mrs.
Lookyoung to her friend.
"Why not?" said the other. "He's awfully int...
|
Mary Had A Little Waist
Where Waists Were Meant To Grow
And Everywhere The Fashions Went
Her Waist Was Sure To Go
Mary had a little waist
Where waists were meant to grow,
And everywhere the fashions went
Her waist was sure t...
|
This Is An Interesting Clock Miss Said The Salesman You
Really Should Have One Especially If You're Bothered With
Tiresome Callers
"This is an interesting clock, Miss," said the salesman, "you
really should have one, especially if you're bothered with
tiresome c...
|
Mike--yus Poor Sullivan Is Dead
Mike--Yus, poor Sullivan is dead. He hadn't got an enemy in the
world.
Pat--What did he die of?
Mike--Oh; he wur killed in a f...
|
You Shouldn't Drink Your Whiskey Without Water
"You shouldn't drink your whiskey without water."
"Why not?"
"You'll ruin the coat of your stomach."
"Oh, well-it's an old c...
|
Why Do They Make Those Oriental Pipes With Bowls As Big As Water
Pitchers
"Why do they make those Oriental pipes with bowls as big as water
pitchers?" asked the inquisitive girl.
"Those," answered the wi...
|
The Detective At The Boarding House Table Having Satisfied
Himself That Nobody Had Observed Him Folded Up His Magnifying
Glass And Put It Back In His Pocket
The detective at the boarding house table having satisfied
himself that nobody had observed him, folded up his magnifying
glass and...
|
Pa What Branches Did You Take When You Went To School
"Pa, what branches did you take when you went to school?"
"I never went to high school, son, but when I attended the little
log s...
|
Did You Ever Consider The Case Of The Boy Who Stood On The
Burning Deck
"Did you ever consider the case of the boy who stood on the
burning deck?"
"Not particularly. Why?"
"Well, the game was poker ...
|
The Governess--what Happened When The Man Killed The Goose That
Laid The Golden Egg Margie
The Governess--What happened when the man killed the goose that
laid the golden egg, Margie?
Little Margie--Why, I guess his goos...
|
Our New Congressman Has Made Himself Very Popular
"Our new Congressman has made himself very popular."
"What has he done?"
"Introduced a bill declaring it a penal offence for a ...
|
In My Business Said The Stock Broker It Is Impossible To
Succeed Without Pluck
"In my business," said the stock broker, "It is impossible to
succeed without pluck."
"Huh!" snorted the man who had been up agai...
|
Servant--the Plumber Says This Check Should Be $5 More
Servant--The plumber says this check should be $5 more.
Castleton--But it's the amount asked for.
"Yes, sir. But you've kept hi...
|
Tom--what's That
Tom--What's that? A two-dollar bill! You told me this morning
that you were broke.
Jack--Well, I want you to understand that Japa...
|
Yes Indeed He's The Homeliest Man In Public Life To-day
"Yes, indeed, he's the homeliest man in public life to-day.
Haven't you ever seen him?"
"No, but I've seen caricatures of him."
...
|
Special Rules For Guests
SPECIAL RULES FOR GUESTS.
1--Guests are requested not to speak to the dumb waiter.
2--Guests wishing to get up without bein...
|
Canadian Humour
|
The Blue Nose
Let the Student of Nature in rapture descant,
On the Heaven's cerulean hue;
Let the Lover indulge in poetical rant,
...
|
To Mary
Oh! blame me not, Mary, for gazing at you,
Nor suppose that my thoughts from the Preacher were straying,
Tho' I stole...
|
A Toast
Here's a health to thee, Tom: a bright bumper we drain
To the friends that our bosoms hold dear,
As the bottle goes r...
|
Sheepskins And Politics
You know Uncle Tim; he was small, very small--not in stature, for he
was a six-footer, but small in mind and small in heart; his sou...
|
The Doctor
Old Dr. Green (you knowed him, in course--everybody knowed him) lived
on Digby Neck. He was reckoned a skilful man, and was known to...
|
Mother Hunt's Chickens
Five years ago, come next summer, the old lady made a trip to Halifax,
in one of our Digby coasters, to see sister Susannah, that is...
|
The Deacon's Bargain
Old Deacon Bruce of Aylesford, last Monday week, bought a sleigh of his
fellow-deacon, Squire Burns, for five pounds. On his way hom...
|
The Corduroy Road
De corduroy road go bompety bomp,
De corduroy road go jompety jomp,
An' he's takin' beeg chances upset hees load
D...
|
Dominique
You dunno ma leetle boy Dominique?
Never see heem runnin' roun' about de place?
'Cos I want to get advice how to kip ...
|
How Bateese Came Home
W'en I was young boy on de farm--dat's twenty year ago--
I have wan frien', he's leev near me, call Jean Bateese Trudeau,
...
|
The Japanese Reporter
We do not know to this day to what circumstance we owed the honour of
appearing in print in Japan--whether we were mistaken for indi...
|
The Gray Linnet
There's a little gray friar in yonder green bush, Clothed in
sackcloth--a little gray friar, Like the druid of old in his
temple--b...
|
The Ahkoond Of Swat
What, what, what,
What's the news from Swat?
Sad news,
Bad news,
Comes by the cable led
Through ...
|
The Amateur Orlando
It was an Amateur Dram. Ass.
(Kind reader, although your
Knowledge of French is not first-class
Don't call that Am...
|
The Plumber's Revenge A Legend Of Madison Avenue
Canto I--The Death-Bed Oath
It was some thirty years ago,
An evening calm and red,
When a gold-haired stripling ...
|
The Merchant Of Venice
A Venetian Merchant who was lolling in the lap of luxury was accosted
upon the Rialto by a friend who had not seen him for many mont...
|
The Unfortunate Elephant
An Elephant had been endeavouring to rive the bole of a knotted oak
with his trunk, but the tree closed upon that member, detaining ...
|
The Coroner And The Banana Peel
As a Coroner was entering a saloon to see a man he beheld a careless
boy, who was eating a Banana, cast the rind of the fruit upon t...
|
The Rhinoceros And The Dromedary
A thirsty Rhinoceros, having to his great joy encountered a Dromedary
in the desert of Sahara, besought the latter animal of his mer...
|
The Hen And The Tailor
A Hen who had saved a Tailor from drowning in a marine disaster that
had cost several of his less fortunate companions their lives a...
|
The Glow-worm And The Famished Nightingale
A famished Nightingale, who had been singing to very thin houses,
chanced to encounter a Glow-worm at eventide and prepared to make ...
|
The Centipede And The Barbaric Yak
While a Centipede was painfully toiling over the Libyan Desert he was
encountered by a barbaric Yak, who scornfully asked him how we...
|
The Honest Newsboy
A Newsboy was passing along the street, when he chanced to discover a
purse of greenbacks. He was at first inclined to conceal it, b...
|
The Villager And The Snake
A Villager one frosty day found under a hedge a Snake almost dead with
cold. Moved with compassion, and having heard that snake oil ...
|
The Ostrich And The Hen
An Ostrich and a Hen chanced to occupy adjacent apartments, and the
former complained loudly that her rest was disturbed by the cack...
|
The Senator's Laundry
Signora Mirandolina Rocca, who was the landlady of the house where the
Club were lodging, was a widow, of about forty years of age, ...
|
Animal Anecdote
|
Remorse
An elephant, from some motive of revenge, killed his cornack, or
conductor. The man's wife, who beheld the dreadful scene, took her ...
|
The Newfoundland Dog
One of the magistrates in Harbour Grace, in Newfoundland, had an old dog
of the regular web-footed species peculiar to that island, ...
|
Studying
A magpie, belonging to a barber at Rome, could imitate to a nicety almost
every word it heard. Some trumpets happened one day to be ...
|
A Faithful Companion
A gardener, in removing some rubbish, discovered two ground toads of an
uncommon size, weighing no less than seven pounds. On findin...
|
A False Alarm
Some years ago, a soldier doing duty at the castle of Cape Town, kept a
tame baboon for his amusement. One evening it broke its chai...
|
Sagacious Bruin
The captain of a Greenland whaler being anxious to procure a bear, without
wounding the skin, made trial of the stratagem of laying ...
|
A Strange Mouser
A gentleman once had in his possession a hen, which answered the purpose
of a cat in destroying mice. She was constantly seen watchi...
|
Making Sure
During the war between Augustus Caesar and Marc Antony, when all the world
stood wondering and uncertain which way Fortune would inc...
|
The Power Of Music
One Sunday evening, five choristers were walking on the banks of a river;
after some time, being tired with walking, they sat down o...
|
A Conversing Parrot
During the government of Prince Maurice in Brazil, he had heard of an old
parrot that was much celebrated for answering like a ratio...
|
Mimic
A priest once brought up an ourang-outang, which became so fond of him
that, wherever he went, it was always desirous of accompanyin...
|
The Heroism Of A Hen
A contest of rather an unusual nature took place in the house of a
respectable innkeeper in Ireland. The parties concerned were, a h...
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The Cat And Crows
A pair of crows once made their nest in a tree, of which there were
several planted round the garden of a gentleman, who, in his mor...
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Filial Duty
A surgeon's mate on board a ship relates that while lying one evening
awake he saw a rat come into his berth, and after well surveyi...
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The Dinner Bell
It is customary in large boarding-houses to announce the dinner-hour by
the sound of a bell. A cat belonging to one of these houses ...
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A Singular Interposition
A lady had a tame bird which she was in the habit of letting out of its
cage every day. One morning as it was picking crumbs of brea...
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Odd Fraternity
A gentleman travelling through Mecklenburg was witness to the following
curious circumstance in an inn at which he was staying. Afte...
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Canine Smugglers
In the Netherlands, they use dogs of a very large and strong breed, for
the purpose of draught. They are harnessed like horses, and ...
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A Canine Sheep-stealer
A shepherd, who was hanged for sheep-stealing, used to commit his
depredations by means of his dog. When he intended to steal any sh...
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The Dog And Goose
A goose was once observed to attach itself in the strongest and most
affectionate manner to the house dog, but never presumed to go ...
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Sabinus And His Dog
After the execution of Sabinus, the Roman general, who suffered death for
his attachment to the family of Germanicus, his body was e...
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Wrens Learning To Sing
A wren built her nest in a box, so situated that a family had an
opportunity of observing the mother bird instructing the young ones...
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The Dog Of Montargis
A Frenchman of family and fortune, travelling alone through a forest, was
murdered and buried under a tree. His dog, an English bloo...
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The Bear And Child
Leopold, Duke of Lorraine, had a bear called Marco, of the sagacity and
sensibility of which we have the following remarkable instan...
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The Dolphin
In the reign of Augustus Caesar there was a dolphin in the Lucrine lake,
which formed a most romantic attachment to a poor man's son...
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The Death Of Antiochus Revenged
When Antiochus was slain in battle by Centaretrius the Galatian, the
victor exultingly leaped on the back of the fallen king's horse...
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Mice As Navigators
Although there are few who would dispute the cleverness and sagacity of
the larger animals, it is doubtful if there are many who cre...
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A Calculating Crow
A carrion crow, perceiving a brood of fourteen chickens under the care of
the parent-hen, on a lawn, picked up one; but on a young l...
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Porus Saved By His Elephant
King Porus, in a battle with Alexander the Great, being severely wounded,
fell from the back of his elephant. The Macedonian soldier...
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Drawing Water
Some years ago, an ass was employed at Carisbrook Castle, in the Isle of
Wight, in drawing water by a large wheel from a very deep w...
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The Broken Heart
During the French Revolution M. des R----, an ancient magistrate and most
estimable man, was condemned to death on the charge of con...
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A Comedy Of Quadrupeds
In a play exhibited at Rome, in the reign of Tiberius, there were twelve
elephant performers, six males and six females, clothed in ...
|
Cunning As A Fox
An American gentleman was in pursuit of foxes, accompanied by two
bloodhounds; the dogs were soon in scent, and pursued a fox nearly...
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More Faithful Than Favoured
A gentleman once possessed a mastiff which guarded the house and yard, but
had never met with the least particular attention from hi...
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Elephant Rope Dancing
The ease with which the elephant is taught to perform the most agile and
difficult feats, forms a remarkable contrast to its huge un...
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A Providential Safe Conduct
A traveller gives a singular anecdote of a lion, which he says was related
to him by very credible persons. About the year 1614 or 1...
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A Generous Revenge
A young man, desirous of getting rid of his dog, took it along with him to
the river. He hired a boat, and rowing into the stream, t...
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Are Beasts Mere Machines?
A gentleman one day talking with a friend maintained that beasts were mere
machines, and had no sort of reason to direct them; and t...
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Long Lost Found Again
A female elephant belonging to a gentleman at Calcutta broke loose from
her keeper, and was lost in the woods. The excuses which the...
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Ostrich Riding
A gentleman tells how, during the time of his residence at Podor, a French
factory on the banks of the river Niger, there were two...
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A Choice Retaliation
A tame elephant kept by a merchant was suffered to go at large. The animal
used to walk about the streets in as quiet and familiar a...
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The Horse And Greyhound
Various have been the opinions upon the difference of speed between a
well-bred greyhound and a racehorse if opposed to each other. ...
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The Goat
A gentleman who had taken an active share in the rebellion of 1715, after
the battle of Preston escaped into the West Highlands, whe...
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A Mother Watching Her Young
The following singular instance of the far-sighted watchfulness of the
turkey-hen over her young is narrated by a French priest. "I ...
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Concerts Of Animals
An abbot, a man of wit, and skilled in the construction of new musical
instruments, was ordered by Louis XI., King of France, more i...
|
Travellers
An innkeeper once sent, as a present by the carrier, to a friend a dog and
cat tied up in a bag, who had been companions more than t...
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The Watch Dog
A thief who had broken into the shop of Cellini, the Florentine artist,
and was breaking open the caskets in order to come at some j...
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A Shrewd Guesser
A French officer, more remarkable for his birth and spirit than his
wealth, had served the Venetian republic for some years with gre...
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A Tame Colony
A well-known traveller, in a description of the Island of Tristan
d'Acunha, states that the animals found on this solitary spot were...
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An Usurper Punished
Some years ago a sparrow had early in spring taken possession of an old
swallow's nest, and had laid some eggs in it, when the origi...
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The Rights Of Hospitality
A native Moor who went to hunt the lion, having proceeded far into a
forest, happened to meet with two lion's whelps that came to ca...
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A Grateful Lioness
A Dreadful famine raged at Buenos Ayres, yet the governor, afraid of
giving the Indians a habit of spilling Spanish blood, forbade t...
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A Good Finder
One day a tradesman, walking with a friend, offered to wager that if he
were to hide a five-shilling piece in the dust, his dog woul...
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Musical Seals
Seals have a very delicate sense of hearing, and are much delighted with
music. A gentleman, in his account of a voyage to Spitzberg...
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A Sly Couple
A gentleman in the county of Stirling kept a greyhound and a pointer, and
being fond of coursing, the pointer was accustomed to find...
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A Sense Of Ridicule
Persons who have the management of elephants have often observed that they
know very well when any one is ridiculing them, and that ...
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The Tame Sea-gull
Many years ago a gentleman had accidentally caught a sea-gull, whose wings
he cut, and put it into his garden. The bird remained in ...
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Maternal Affection
Whilst a ship on a voyage of discovery to the North Pole was locked in the
ice, one morning the man at the masthead reported that th...
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The Pig Pointer
A sow, which was a thin, long-legged animal (one of the ugliest of the New
Forest breed), when very young conceived so great a parti...
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Infant Fascination
A little girl about three years of age was observed for a number of days
to go to a considerable distance from the house with a piec...
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A Domesticated Seal
A gentleman once succeeded in taming a seal. It appeared to possess all
the sagacity of the dog, lived in its master's house, and at...
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Retribution
In a park a fawn, drinking, was suddenly pounced upon by one of the swans,
which pulled the animal into the water, and held it under...
|
Strange Rooks
In a large north of England town a pair of strange rooks, after an
unsuccessful attempt to effect a lodgment in a rookery at a littl...
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A Singular Foster-mother
On an estate in Scotland a terrier had a litter of whelps, which were
immediately taken from her and drowned. The unfortunate mother...
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The Shepherd's Dog
James Hogg, the shepherd poet, had a dog named Sirrah, who was for many
years his sole companion. He was, the shepherd says, the bes...
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Foraging
A constable once made a complaint before a bench of London magistrates
against a horse for stealing hay. The complainant stated that...
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Going To Market
A butcher and cattle dealer had a dog which he usually took with him when
he drove cattle to the market, at a town some nine miles d...
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The Lion And His Keeper
In a large continental menagerie there was a lion called Danco, whose cage
was in want of some repairs. His keeper desired a carpent...
|
Immovable Fidelity
A dog, between the breed of a mastiff and a bull-dog, belonging to a
chimney-sweeper, laid, according to his master's orders, on a s...
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Tame Hares
The hare is scarcely a domestic animal; yet we have an account of one who
was so domesticated as to feed from the hand, lay under a ...
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A Grateful Return
A favourite house-dog, left to the care of its master's servants, while he
was himself away, would have been starved by them if it h...
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Assisting The Aged
A captain of cavalry in a French regiment mentions that a horse belonging
to his company, being from age unable to eat his hay or gr...
|
Oyster Opening
A well-known traveller relates a circumstance concerning the orang-otang
in its wild state, which is indicative of very considerable...
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Sonnini And His Cat
M. Sonnini, when in Egypt, had an Angora cat, of which he was extremely
fond. It was entirely covered with long white silken hairs; ...
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Division Of Labour
The Alpine marmots are said to act in concert in the collection of
materials for the construction of their habitations. Some of them...
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Crab Fishing
The following is an instance of the extraordinary cunning manifested by
the Racoon. It is fond of crabs, and when in quest of them, ...
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Rare Honesty
A mastiff dog, who owed more to the bounty of a neighbour than to his
master, was once locked by mistake in the well-stored pantry o...
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Of Two Evils Choosing The Least
A French dog was taught by his master to execute various commissions, and
among others, to fetch him victuals from a restaurant in a...
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Snake Destroyers
The Indian ichneumon, a small creature in appearance between the weasel
and the mangoose, is of infinite use to the natives from its i...
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Monkey Versus Snake
The monkeys in India, knowing by instinct the malignity of the snakes, are
most vigilant in their destruction; they seize them when ...
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Musical Mice
"One rainy winter evening, as I was alone in my chamber," relates an
American gentleman, "I took up my flute and commenced playing. ...
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Soliciting Succour
A party of a ship's crew being sent ashore on a part of the coast of
India, for the purpose of cutting wood for the ship, one of the...
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A Charitable Canary
A pair of goldfinches who had the misfortune to be captured, together with
their nest and six young ones, were placed in a double ca...
|
Pugnacity
The town of Bindrabund in India is in high estimation with the pious
Hindoos, who resort to it from the most remote parts of the emp...
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A Carrier's Dog
A carrier on his way to a market town had occasion to stop at some houses
by the road side, in the way of his business, leaving his ...
|
Humane Society
A large colony of rooks had resided many years in a grove on the banks of
a river. One serene evening the idle members amused themse...
|
Fox Chasing
During a fox hunt, Reynard, being hard pressed, was reduced to the
necessity of taking refuge up a chimney of a hothouse. He was fol...
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Escape Of Jengis Khan
The Mogul and Kalmuc Tartars attribute to the white owl the preservation
of Jengis Khan, the founder of their empire; and they pay i...
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A Refugee Squirrel
A squirrel, whose bad luck it was to be captured, was lodged for safe
custody in a trap used for taking rats alive. Here he remained...
|
Retaliation
A wild stork was brought by a farmer into his poultry yard to be the
companion of a tame one, which he had long kept there; but the ...
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A Newsman Extraordinary
One of the carriers of a large newspaper having become indisposed, his son
took his place; but not knowing the subscribers he was to...
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The Bear Cubs
A female bear, with two cubs, approached near a whaler, and was shot. The
cubs not attempting to escape, were taken alive. These ani...
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Noble Perseverance
Elephants were, of old, employed in India in the launching of ships. It is
related of one, that, being directed to force a very larg...
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The Catcher Caught
During a sudden inundation of the Rhine, a hare, unable to escape through
the water to an eminence, climbed up a tree. One of the bo...
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Deceiving The Fowler
A young pointer, out with his master hunting, ran on a brood of very small
partridges. The old bird cried, fluttered, and ran trembl...
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Old Habits
An eminent Scotch lawyer, having cause to visit London, decided to perform
the journey on horseback in preference to posting, for th...
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A Philosophic Cat
A young cat, which sometimes was permitted the indulgence of taking her
place in the domestic circle, upon the carpet before the fir...
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An Ass Cast Away
An ass, belonging to a captain in the Royal Navy, then at Malta, was
shipped on board a frigate, bound from Gibraltar for that islan...
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Honours Paid To Living And Departed Worth
The people of Athens, when they had finished the temple called
Hecatompedon, set at liberty the beasts of burden that had been chief...
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A Child Saved
A shepherd, in one of his excursions to look after his flock, took with
him one of his children, an infant of three years old. After...
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Free Jokes
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All In A Preacher's Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Atheist Holiday
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Lessons From The Ark
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Feminist Humor
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Abnormal Psychology
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Lessons I've Learned...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
We're Not What?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
How To Shower
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Rules
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Church Bloopers
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Jesus Is Watching
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Native Tribes
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
How To Bathe A Cat
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Training Your Human
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Could You Be An Elementary School Teacher?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Aircraft Warranty
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Computer Humour
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Bumper Stickers
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
King David Admits To Adultery
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
How Faiths Fight Fires
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
God Humour
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Dogs
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Young Wisdom
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Kids On Marriage
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
What Do Australia & America Have In Common?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
On Marriage: One-liners
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Gone Shopping
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Women Drivers
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Today's Deep Thought
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Ma And Pa
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Horseback Riding
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Frog Jokes
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Justice
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
How To Screw Up An Interview
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
One Liner
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Cute Kids
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Funny Signs
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
A Fowl Story
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Military And Marines
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Computer Gender?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
And It Was So
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Birthday Gift
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The Dying Man
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Anagrams
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Registering... And The Head Hog
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The Cost Of A Woman
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
New Definitions
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Tate's Compass Company
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
A True Confession!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The Painter!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Stranger Than Fiction
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Wise Women
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Words Not Yet In The Dictionary
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The Deck Of Cards
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Quality Of Life
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Need A Good Lawyer?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The Christian Thing To Do
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Frog Story
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Efficiency Expert
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Translating Personal Ads
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
New Teacher
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Bad Day Epxerience
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Is It Sooner Than You Think?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Sheep's Head Soup
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Computer Problem Report Form
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Sex On The Sabbath
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
God Has A Wife?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The Sunbather
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Heaven's Gate
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
That Cold Day In Hell
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Mergers
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Bible Quiz
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Texas
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Dear God: Letters From Children
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Today's Stock Market Report
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The Psychic Hotline
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Sweet Children
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Karate My Foot!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Cat Diary
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
50 Ways To Confuse, Worry, Or Just Scare People In The Computer Lab
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Movie Project
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The Nun And The Drunk
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Going To Church
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Playing Church
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Him And Her
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Your Tattoo
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
'humor Impaired'
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Photo Radar
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The Vet
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Ashes To...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Ten Excuses Men Give For Calling Off A Relationship
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Ten Excuses A Woman Gives For Calling Off The Relationship
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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'abort, Retry, Ignore?'
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Funeral (and The Time)
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Philosophy 101
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Not In My Lifetime
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Diet
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Rules Of Chocolate
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Computer Expert's Glossary
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Sentry Duty
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Pope And The Queen
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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$o$
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Dead Engineer
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Lost Buttons
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Mum
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Hello?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Drunk Darts Player
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Ventriloquist Cowboy
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Nixon And Brezhnev
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The First Parent
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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46 Facts About Women
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Laboratory Rules
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Number Of The Beast
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Did You Hear?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Birth Control Pills
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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How Many Dollars?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Help
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Quite In Church
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Good Shot
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Valentine's Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Quick Thinking
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Barbie
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Why Call Them Cats?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Scottish Boy Called Angus
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Kids N Religion
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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British News Bits
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Love Is In The Air
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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No Room At The Inn
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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A Jewish Joke
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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A Few Jokes
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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An Aged And Blonde Joke
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Childhood Logic
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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One-liners
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Mahatma Gandhi
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Soldier
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Two Elderly Ladies
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Millionaire
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Parking Ticket
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Devil Made Me Do It
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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A Priest And A Bus Driver
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Two Boll Weevils
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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A Bunch Of Puns
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Is That You Fred?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Three Little Pigs
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Vending Machine
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Be A Kid Again...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Redneck Ode To His Valentine
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Nuspeak
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Q & A
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Heroic Behavior
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Classifieds
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Mystery
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Music On The Radio
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Drunk Driver
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Measuring The Pole
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Tradition Expressed
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Collateral Required
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Noisy Mornings
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Men & Women Compared
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Temperance
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Instruction And Advice For The Young Bride
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Fabulous-40-s... We're Still Too Young
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Obi Wan Kanobi And Every Body Else
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Washing Your Cat
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Vive La Difference`!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Truth About Y2k? 8-)
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Y2k
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Dumb Driver
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Comedians' Best Lines
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Humorous Bible Trivia
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Signs On Church Property
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Brain Transplant
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Ponderings
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Forgetful
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Talking Clock
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Back To Nature
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Dear John..
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Courtroom Transcript
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Wisdom From Senior Citizens
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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No Fishing
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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A Simple Riddle
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Actual Label Instructions
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Top Ten Reasons Men Should Join The Church Choir
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
How To Behave During An Eclipse
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Jewish Humor
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Life On An Island?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
White-knuckle Ride
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The Creation Of Women
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Moral Lesson
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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A Recent Study
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Shot In Belfast
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Wedding Night
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Top 10 Things Men Know About Women
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Today's Little Axioms
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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It's In The Bible!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Mary Poppins
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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What Men Really Mean
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Funeral Plans
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The End Of The World
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Top Ten Signs Your Co-worker Is A Computer Hacker
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Men
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
35 Fun Things To Do When Driving
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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What's In The Pocket?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Golf
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Parking Lot Rules
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Jew And Taiwanese
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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I Too Sent My Son
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Why God Created Eve
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Baseball In Heaven
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Millenium Bugs
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Headlines
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Gambler
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Monkey
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Wise Advice Form Kids
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Pope And The Rabbi
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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No Excuse Sunday
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Kid's On Marriage
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Two Boys And A Well
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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A Lawyer, An Old Priest And A Little Boy
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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One Sunday Morning...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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A Fate Worse Than...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Dead Rabbit
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Died In The Service
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Problem Child
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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More Ways To Annoy People
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run.
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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If You Love Something
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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A Dead Engineer
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Music Man
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Barney
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Crazy Diet
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Virus Warning
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Troubles In Heaven
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The English Language
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Visit To The Vet
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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A Glossary Of Medical Terms, And Alternate Meanings.
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Technology For Country Folk...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
New Pastor
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Valentine's Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
You And Your Computer
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Computers
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Mexican Bungee
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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If I Died...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Home Economics Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Hillbilly Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Supermodel Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Southern Baptist Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
90's Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Food Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Children Praying
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Men Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Children Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Elderly Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Driving Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
90's Joke For Tha Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Amish Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Football Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Office Jokes For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Light Bulb Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Dating Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Women Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Pilot Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Blonde Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Teacher Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Quote Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Drinking Joke
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Y2k Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Animal Crackers Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Y1k Joke Of The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Forrest Gump Went To Heaven
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Husbands And Wives
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Men And Women
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Valentine's Day Story
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Marriage Program
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
True (married) Love
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Romance, Country Folk Style
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Bloopers
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Performance Evaluations
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Are Computers Male Or Female
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Thoughts
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Grandma And Grandpa
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Dumb Crook Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Irs Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Football Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Wedding Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Y0k Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Newspaper Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
New Year's Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Restroom Joke
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Pc-isms [politically Correct Terminology]
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Questionnaire From God
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Catholic Baptism
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Cats And Pills
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
A New Pet
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Dilbertisms
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Odd Bits Of Humour/wisdom
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Buffalo And Beer
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Difference Between Men And Women
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
How To Bathe A Cat
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The English Language
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Well Known Adages
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Vocabulary Builders
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
A Cat In Heaven
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Who's God?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Difference In Men And Women
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Priest Playing Golf
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Want To Go To Heaven ?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Bible & College Students
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
How Do You Decide Who To Marry?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Nursing Situation
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Great Truths
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Pig With The Woorden Leg
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Why God Created Animals
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The Visitor To Church
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Training Lament
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Changing Light Bulbs
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Quiz Question
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Cookies
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Do Something Nice For Dad
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Papal Visit
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Spiritual Golf
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Cookies
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Do Something Nice For Dad
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Papal Visit
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Spiritual Golf
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
What Mums Really Want On Mothers' Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
No Thank You
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Vocabulary Builders
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Children's Words
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Botched Ad Campaigns
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Training Lament
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Changing Light Bulbs
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Quiz Question
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Bible [by College Students]
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Naval Operations
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Two Cannibals Met One Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Bill Gates Dies And...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Office Vocabulary
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
These Are A Bit Weak!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Bible Jokes
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Junior's Brain
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Mule Day Story
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Redneck Medical Dictionary
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Tried And Trusted
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Gandhi
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Prayer Of Senility
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Pirate Story
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Secret Of A Long Life
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
God Speaks Via Billboards
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Voices
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Modem Times
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Coma Baby
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Bar Mitzvah Bee
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Ineffective Daily Affirmations
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Philosophical Truths
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Gynaecologist's Exam
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The Lawyer And The Grasshopper
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Drunker...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Genie Story
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Silly Lines :-)
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
A Week In Hell ... The Schedule
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Children's Tales
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Language Difficulties
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Special Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Three Blondes And Easter
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Top 15 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Bus In The Ditch
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Irish Story
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The Politician And The Butter
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
More Church Bulletin Bloopers
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Learn Chinese!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Bible Humour
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The Bible In 50 Words
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
What Does That Tell You Holmes?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Christian Bear
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Children's Prayers
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Disapproving Bartender
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Baby Boomers' Concerns
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Rats!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Surgery
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Disapproving Bartender
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Quayle Quotes
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Squeezing The Lemon
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Kids' Wisdom
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Mother's Pride And Joy 8-)
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Catholic Service
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Noah's Ark
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Capitalist Beatitudes
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Dear Pastor :-)
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Toilet Problems
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Clever Dog
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Bible Jokes :-)
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Wife 1.0
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The Preacher And His Song-leader
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
A Women's Perspective
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Ytok Problems
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Dumb Laws
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Ballad Of The Y2k
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Great Golf?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
How To Write Good
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The Smarter Sex?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Pearly Gates & Other Stories
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Preparation For Parenthood
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Exam Prayers
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Computers: He Or She?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Two Blondes
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Lord's Prayer
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
A Few Questions --- 8-)
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Jesus Is Watching You :-)!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Stinky Notebook
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Sayings...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Remember When...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Accident
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Is There A Santa Claus?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
According To The Bible
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Howlers
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Religious Man
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Church Bulletin Announcements
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Preparation For Parenthood
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Bread Is Dangerous
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Santa's Coming
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
You Might Be A Preacher If...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Help Wanted
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Technology For The Country Folk
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
On Route
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Conceit [definition]
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The Night After Christmas
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Dieter's [christmas] Lament
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The X-mas Files
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Twas The Night Before Christmas
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
A Short History Of Medicine
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
A Dieter's Prayer
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Jews And Catholics
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The Pope Comes To America :-)
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Christmas Story :-)!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Little Johnny
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Life's Lessons
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
50 Things To Do In An Elevator
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Stages Of Belief
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Organizational Changes At The North Pole
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Top 15 Things To Say When You're Caught Sleeping At Work
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Rules For Work
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Twas The Night Before Christmas
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Oxymorons
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Quirky Facts
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Little Dog Story
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Messages To Ponder
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
After Christmas
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Contract Law
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Childbirth
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Procrastinator's Calendar
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
God Gifts
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Odd Bits Of Humour
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Kiss What?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Fun With Computers
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Life's Wisdom
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Answer To Prayer
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Two Stories
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Clergyman And The Farmer
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Sigs For Your Amusement
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Helping Out The President
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Gandhi
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Good Preaching
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Wo Signed?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Comparisons Howlers
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Why God Created Eve
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Your Mother 8-)
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Questionable Theories
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Golf Story
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Church Kids
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Women Will Like This Too
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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100gb Bug
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Different Between Dogs And Cats...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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In Prison
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Foolish Fugitive
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Careful With Those Email Addresses!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Please Stand Up!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Snow's Pretty Pictures
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Lawyer One-liners
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Boss Story
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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More Lawyer Jokes :-)!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Adam Was Lonely...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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How To Write A Term Paper
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Thirty Minutes To A Cleaner House
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Boys With Toys
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Woman - A Chemical Analysis
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Veterans' Talk
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Three Friends Die...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Computer Intelligence :-)
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Pearly Gates Story
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Light Bulb Jokes (not Again!)
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Maths Education Over The Years
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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If Men Ruled The World
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Bell-ringer
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Operation
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Exam
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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So You Wanna Date My Daughter?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Computer Terms
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Instructions!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Stock Market Report
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Catflap Story
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Some Equivalents
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Puns
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Five Stages Of Drunkenness
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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So You Think You've Had A Bad Day!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Computer Instructions From Dr. Seuss
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Newspaper Headlines
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Gettings Things Done :-)!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Liven Up Your Day :-)!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Kids' Party Story
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Emails Between Father And Son
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Lawyer Story
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Stupid!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Stock Market Joke
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Three Bad Puns
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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When To Be Hungry
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Revenge Of The Blondes
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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A Story Your Kids Will Like
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Endangered Species
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Woman And Man
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Marriage Maxims
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Think About...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Star Trek And The Three Stooges
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Bill Gates And The Devil
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Golf Jokes For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Russian History Joke
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Church Bulletin Bloopers
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Feline Science
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Military Joke
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Pope And The Queen
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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President Clinton's Story
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Important/useful Sayings
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Idiots At Work
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Scrabble Trivia
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Chinese Story
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Dumb Things To Ponder Etc.
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Food For Thought
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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True Love
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Bill Gates Story...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Smile: Life Is Too Short!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Subject: Airlines Humour
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Two Little Boys
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Stuff You Always Wanted To Know
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Code Word
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Seniors: What Are They Worth?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Heat Joke
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Be Sure Your Sins Will Find You Out
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Little Johnny Joke
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Tongue-twister
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Want To Go To Heaven?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Losers...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Correct Answers
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Star Trek Obsession
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Star Trek Joke
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Catholic Joke
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Time Honoured Truths!!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Star Trek Joke
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Prejudice Joke
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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One Out All Out
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Hymns For Speedsters
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Quotes From Resumes
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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1998 Darwin Award Nominees (these Are Not Really Funny!)
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Strategies For Personal Growth
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Hurricane Story
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Cat Bathing As A Martial Art
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Guide To Cows And Politics
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Hymns: Now Be Honest!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Family Tree
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Careful When You Give An Elephant An Enema!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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For Cat Lovers...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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For Dog Lovers
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Doggy Dictionary
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Old Age
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Coworker Descriptions
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Joys Of Parenting
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Sunday School Stories
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Texas Winds
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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One-liners
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Top Ten Reasons
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Scientific Discoveries
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Dead Donkey
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Parrot Joke
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Sectarian Joke
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Three Guys Get To Heaven...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Kids' Wisdom
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Titanic Joke
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Out Of The Mouths Of Babes
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Death By Stupidity
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Odd Signs From England
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Kung Fu Movie Subtitles
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Stupid!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Why My Dog Doesnt Use My Computer
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Weird Laws Of The U.s.
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Confessional Troubles
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
God's Work - A Child's Perspective
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Deep Thoughts
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Wilderness Humour
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Hmmmm
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Things You Never Hear In Church
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
A Child's Question
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
St Paul's Chain Letter
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Stop Sign Hermeneutics
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Travel Agent Jokes
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Irony Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
If Microsoft Made Cars
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Jews Converting To Christianity
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Bill Gates And 666
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
More About Dogs
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Doggie Pledge
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Professional Humour
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Cats
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Marriage According To The Bible
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Moron Jokes
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The Existence Of System Administrators
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The Pope & Golf
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
You Might Be A Preacher If...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
21st Century 23rd Psalm
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Abbot And Costello Meet Unix
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Medical Humour
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The Babel Of Denominationalism
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Abbot And Costello Meet Windows 95
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Actual Bumper Stickers
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Classic Church Bulletin Bloopers
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Bible Stories - Unauthorised Versions
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Signs That You're Aging
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Computer People
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Fundamentalishness
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Densa Iq Test
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Ten Guidelines For Enlightenment
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
The World's Shortest Books
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Did You Ever Wonder:
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Housecleaning
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
I'm Normal, You're Crazy
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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No Room At The Inn
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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"one For You And One For Me"
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Legal Counsel
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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From - Sat Dec 06 14:25:43 1997
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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When Considering The Behaviour Of A Howitzer Projectile:
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Drummer Jokes
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Heard The One About The Pastor?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Thinking Could Be Dangerous
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Humour
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Buying A Baseball Bat
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Vegetarians
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Byte Before Christmas
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Theology Of Toys
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Children's Letters To God
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Pope Gets To Heaven
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Humour
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Christmas Humor
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Silent Debate
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Airplane Joke For The Day
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Computer Blues
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Darwin Awards
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Old Geezer
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Santa Claus : An Engineer's Perspective
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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35 Signs You Might Be A Yankee
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Best And Worst: Country Western
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Dear God...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Smile & Be Happy?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Crazy Vs
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Smile & Be Happy?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
How To Get Rid Of Your Preacher...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Crazy Vs
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Animal Humor
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Info Machines And Kids
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Kids' Religious Funnies
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Final Leg Of Cross-country Drive
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Worth
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Confucius Say
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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I've Learned
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Gene Pool?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Lawyer Doubletalk
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Dogs And Computers: Same Or Different?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Bad News
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Ya Can't Take It With You!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Cat Heaven
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Politically Correct
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Punishment!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Yesterday
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Discernment
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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A Simple Quiz
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Kids!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Help?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Believe It Or Not!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Lawyers
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Tickets Please
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Comprehension
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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One-up-manship
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Choices
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Computers And Software Quotes
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Instant Win Airbags!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Geeks Need Women!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Laugh-a-lot
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Scent Of A Woman!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Beer Stories
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Lawyer At Pearly Gates
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Church Bulletin Bloopers
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Meaning Is Clear!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Euroenglish And Other Humor
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Church Dictionary
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Headlines
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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People!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Plane Crash
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Did Ya Ever Just Wonder .....
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Adam And Eve
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Monkey Technology
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Children Talking To God
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Men & Women Communicating!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Dr Seuss
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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How Come?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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When Does Life Begin?
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Dear Lord
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Jokes
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Nelson Mandela/when Life Begins
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Definitions
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Honk If You Love Jesus!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Desert Island, Roosters Etc. Humor
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Yuppies, Punctuality And Hell...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Taking Off
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Humour - Kid's Talk Etc
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Ruts (how To Avoid)
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Light Bulb Jokes
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Dumb Blondes And A Dentist Story
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Fire, Deserts And Genies
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Insurance Joke
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Aspiring Psychiatrists
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Pope And The Haircut
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Rabbi, Minister, Priest
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Communication!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Soaps In The Hotel
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Homosexuality: Pros And Cons
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Space Aliens
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Pirate Joke
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Boycotting Disney
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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The Tates In Your Church
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Noah's Ark- A Modern Tale
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Humor - Loaded Dog
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Humor: Repent And Sin No More!
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Top Ten Signs...
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Humor: The Pastor And The Eggs
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
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Humor Ordering Pzzas
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Church Bulletin Humor
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Humour
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Wife, Finding
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Religious Humor
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Humor,religious
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Religious Humour
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in thre...
|
Humour Scenes
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If It Ain't Right I'll Make It All Right In The Morning!
A keen, genteely dressed, gentlemanly man "put up" at Beltzhoover's
Hotel, in Baltimore, one day some years ago, and after dining ve...
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Don't You Believe In 'em?
We are astounded at the incredulity of some people. Every now and then
you run afoul of somebody who does not believe in spiritual k...
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Used Up
I am tempted to believe, that few--very few men can start in the
world--say at twenty, with a replete invoice of honesty, free and
...
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The Greatest Moral Engine
Say what you will, it's no use talking, poverty is more potent and
powerful, as a moral engine, than all the "sermons and soda water...
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The Story Of Capt Paul
I love to speak, I love to write of the mighty West. I have passed ten
happy and partly pleasant years travelling over the immense t...
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Hereditary Complaints
Meanness is as natural to some people, as gutta percha beefsteaks in a
cheap boarding-house. Schoodlefaker says he saw a striking in...
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Nights With The Caucusers
Office-Seeking has become a legitimatized branch of our every-day
business, as much so as in former times "reduced gentlemen" took t...
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Affecting Cruelty
A hard-fisted "old hunker," who has made $30,000 in fifty-one years, by
saving up rags, old iron, bones, soap-grease, snipping off t...
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The Wolf Slayer
In 1800 the most of the State of Ohio, and nearly all of Indiana, was a
dense wilderness, where the gaunt wolf and naked savage were...
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The Man That Knew 'em All
If you have ever "been around" some, and taken notice of things, you
have doubtless seen the man who knows pretty much every thing a...
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A Severe Spell Of Sickness
It is the easiest thing under heaven to be sick, if you can afford it.
What it costs some rich men for family sickness per annum, wo...
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The Race Of The Aldermen
In 183-, it chanced in the big city of New York, that the aldermen elect
were a sort of tie; that is, so many whigs and so many demo...
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Getting Square
It seems to be just as natural for a subordinate in a "grocery" to levy
upon the till, for material aid to his own pocket, as for th...
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People Do Differ!
Fifty years ago, Uncle Sam was almost a stranger on the maps; he hadn't
a friend in the world, apparently, while he had more enemies...
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Bill Whiffletree's Dental Experience
Have you ever had the tooth-ache? If not, then blessed is your
ignorance, for it is indeed bliss to know nothing about the tooth-ach...
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A-a-a-in't They Thick?
During the "great excitement" in Boston, relative to the fugitive slave
"fizzle," a good-natured country gentleman, by the name of A...
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A Desperate Race
Some years ago, I was one of a convivial party, that met in the
principal hotel in the town of Columbus, Ohio, the seat of governmen...
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Dodging The Responsibility
"Sir!" said Fieryfaces, the lawyer, to an unwilling witness, "Sir! do
you say, upon your oath, that Blinkins is a dishonest man?"
...
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A Night Adventure In Prairie Land
"I'll take a circuit around, and come out about the lower end of your
mot,"* said I to my companion. "You remain here; lie down flat...
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Roosting Out
In 1837, after the capture of Santa Anna, by General Samuel Houston and
his little Spartan band, which event settled the war, and so...
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Rather Twangy
Three Irishmen, green as the Isle that per-duced 'em, but full of sin,
and fond of the crater, broke into a country store down in Ma...
|
Passing Around The Fodder!
A DINNER SKETCH.
A few weeks ago, during a passage from Gotham to Boston, on the "Empire
State," one of the most elegant and swif...
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A Hint To Soyer
Magrundy says, in his work on Grub, that a Frenchman will "frigazee" a
pair of old boots and make a respectable soup out of an ancie...
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The Leg Of Mutton
I'm going to state to you the remarkable adventures of a very remarkable
man, who went to market to get a leg of mutton for his Sund...
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A Chapter On Misers
We all love, worship and adore that everlasting deity--money. The poor
feel its want, the rich know its power. Virtue falls before i...
|
Dog Day
I used to like dogs--a puppy love that I got bravely over, since once
upon a time, when a Dutch bottier, in the city of Charleston, ...
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Amateur Gardening
"I don't see what in sin's become of them dahlias I set out this
Spring," said Tapehorn, a retired slop-shop merchant, to his wife, ...
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The Two Johns At The Tremont
It is somewhat curious that more embarrassments, and queer contre
temps do not take place in the routine of human affairs, when we f...
|
The Yankee In A Boarding School
"Well, squire, as I wer' tellin' on ye, when I went around pedlin'
notions, I met many queer folks; some on 'em so darn'd preoud and...
|
A Dreadful State Of Excitement
A retrospective view of some ten or fifteen years, brings up a wonderful
"heap of notions," which at their birth made quite a differ...
|
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Of all the public lecturers of our time and place, none have attracted
more attention from the press, and consequently the people, t...
|
Humbug
There is no end to the humbug in life. About half we say, and more than
half we do, is tinged with humbug. "My Dear Sir," we say, wh...
|
Hotel Keeping
Fortunes are made--very readily, it is said, in our large cities, by
Hotel keeping. It does look money-making business to a great ma...
|
According To Gunter
Old Gunter was going home t'other night with a very heavy "turkey
on"--about a forty-four pounder. Gunter accused the pavements of b...
|
Quartering Upon Friends
City-bred people have a pious horror of the country in winter, and no
great regard for country visitors at any time, however much th...
|
Jake Hinkle's Failings
In the village of Washington, Fayette Co., Ohio, there was a transient
sort of a personage, a kind of floating farmer, named Hinkle,...
|
What's Going To Happen
In fifty years the steam engine will be as old a notion, and as queer an
invention, as the press Ben. Franklin worked is now. In fif...
|
The Washerwoman's Windfall
Some years ago, there lived, dragged and toiled, in one of our "Middle
States," or Southern cities, and old lady, named Landon, the ...
|
We Don't Wonder At It
In the city, we get so many new kicks, and put on so many new ways of
living and doing up things, that no wonder the quiet and matte...
|
Old Maguire And His Horse Bonny Doon
Few animals possess the sagacity of the horse; passive and obedient,
they are easily trained; bring them up the way you want them to...
|
Getting Into The Right Pew
New Year's day is some considerable "pumpkins" in many parts of the
United States. In the Western States, they have horse-racing,
s...
|
A Circuitous Route
We know several folks who have a way of beating round and boxing the
compass, from A to Z, and back again, that fairly knocks us int...
|
Major Blink's First Season At Saratoga
"Ha, ha!" said Uncle Joe Blinks, as the subject of summer travel, a
jaunt somewhere, was being discussed among the regular boarders ...
|
Old Jack Ringbolt
Had been spinning old Mrs. Tartaremetic any quantity of salty yarns; she
was quite surprised at Mr. Ringbolt's ups and downs, trials...
|
Who Killed Capt Walker?
Few incidents of the campaign in Mexico seem so mixed up and indefinite
as that relative to the taking of Huamantla, and the death o...
|
Practical Philosophy
Skinflint and old Jack Ringbolt had a dispute on Long Wharf, a few days
since, upon a religious pint. Jack argued the matter upon a ...
|
Borrowed Finery Or Killed Off By A Ballet Girl
Shakspeare has written--"let him that's robbed--not wanting what is
stolen, not know it, and he's not robbed at all!" Now this fact ...
|
Legal Advice
Old Ben. Franklin said it was his opinion that, between imprisonment and
being at large in debt to your neighbor, there was no diffe...
|
Wonders Of The Day
The "firm" who save a hogshead of ink, annually, by not allowing their
clerks and book-keepers to dot their i's or cross their t's, ...
|
Don't Know You Sir!
We shall never forget, and always feel proud of the fact, that we knew
so great an every-day Plato as Davy Crockett. Had the old Col...
|
A Circumlocutory Egg Pedler
We have been, frequently, much amused with the man[oe]uvring of some
folks in trade. It's not your cute folks, who screw, twist and ...
|
Jolly Old Times
Either mankind or his constitution has changed since "the good old
times," for we read in an old medicine book, that bleeding at the...
|
The Pigeon Express Man
In nearly all yarns or plays in which Yankees figure, they are supposed
to be "a leetle teu darn'd ceute" for almost any body else, ...
|
Jipson's Great Dinner Party
"Well, you must do it."
"Do it?"
"Do it, sir," reiterated the lady of Jipson, a man well enough to do
in the world, chief cler...
|
Look Out For Them Lobsters
Deacon ----, who resides in a pleasant village inside of an hour's ride
upon Fitchburg road, rejoices in a fondness for the long-tai...
|
The Fitzfaddles At Hull
"Well, well, drum no more about it, for mercy's sake; if you must go,
you must go, that's all."
"Yes, just like you, Fitzfaddle"-...
|
Putting Me On A Platform!
Human nature doubtless has a great many weak points, and no few bipeds
have a great itching after notoriety and fame. Fame, I am cre...
|
The Exorbitancy Of Meanness
Few extravaganzas of man or woman lay such a heavy stress upon the
pocket-book or purse as meanness. This may seem paradoxical, but ...
|
Taking Down A Sheriff
Ex-honorable John Buck, once the "representative" of a district out
West, a lawyer originally, and finally a gentleman at large, and...
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Governor Mifflin's First Coal Fire
It is truly astonishing, that the inexhaustible beds--mines of
anthracite coal, lying along the Schuylkill river and ridges, valleys...
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Sure Cure
Travel is a good invention to cure the blues and condense worldly
effects. When Cutaway went to California, "I carried," said he, "a...
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Chasing A Fugitive Subscriber
Printers, from time immemorial--back possibly to the days of Faust--have
suffered martyrdom, more or less, at the hands of the peopl...
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Ambition
A person never thinks so meanly of ambition as when walking through a
grave-yard.--To see men who have filled the world with their g...
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Penalty Of Kissing Your Own Wife
Cato, when Censor of Rome, expelled from the Senate Manilius, whom the
general opinion had marked out for counsellor, because he had...
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Mysteries And Miseries Of Housekeeping
People of experience tell awful stories about the miseries of boarding,
and boarding-houses, and it is very clearly palpable to us t...
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Miseries Of A Dandy
That poverty is at times very unhandy--yea, humiliating, we can bear
witness; but that any persons should make their poverty an ever...
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A Juvenile Joe Miller
We observed a small transaction last Wednesday noon, on Hanover street,
that wasn't so coarse for an urchin hardly out of his swaddl...
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Selling A Landlord
During the great gathering of people in Quakerdom, while the Whigs were
dovetailing in Old Zack, an artful dodger, a queer quizzing ...
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Scientific Labor
"Bob, what yer doing now?"
"Aiding Nat'ral History."
"Aiding Nat'ral History--what do yer mean by that?"
"Why every time the...
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Who Was That Poor Woman?
I do not know a feminine--from the piney woods of Maine to the
Neuces--so given to popularity, newspaper philippics, and city item
...
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Infirmities Of Nature
Some folks are easily glorified. We once knew a man who became so elated
because he was elected first sergeant in the militia, that ...
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Andrew Jackson And His Mother
It is a most singular, or at least curious fact, connected with the
histories of most all eminent men, that they were denied--by the...
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Snaking Out Sturgeons
We have roared until our ribs fairly ached, at the relation of the
following "item" on sturgeons, by a loquacious friend of ours:--
...
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Mixing Meanings Mangling English
There is an individual in Quincy Market, "doing business," who is down
on customers who don't speak proper.
"What's eggs, this mo...
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Waking Up The Wrong Passenger
In "comparing notes" with a travelled friend, I glean from his stock of
information, gathered South-west, a few incidents in the lif...
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Genius For Business
It's a highly prized faculty in shop-keeping to sell something when a
customer comes in, if you can. A female relative of ours wen...
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Have You Got Any Old Boots?
No slight portion of the ills that flesh is heir to, in a city life, is
the culinary item of rent day. Washing day has had its day--...
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The Vagaries Of Nature
Nature seems to have her fitful, frightful, and funny moods, as well as
all her children. Now she gets up a stone bridge, the gigant...
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A General Disquisition On Hinges
Did you ever see a real, true, unadulterated specimen of Down East,
enter a store, or other place of every-day business, for the pur...
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Miseries Of Bachelorhood
Dabster says he would not mind living as a bachelor, but when he comes
to think that bachelors must die--that they have got to go do...
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The Science Of Diddling
Jeremy Diddlers have existed from time immemorial down, as traces of
them are found in all ancient and modern history, from the Bibl...
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The Re-union Thanksgiving Story
"Behold, for peace I had great bitterness, but thou hast in love to
my soul delivered it from the pit of corruption: for tho...
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Cabbage Vs Men
Theodore Parker says, the cultivation of man is as noble and
praiseworthy a science, as the cultivation of cabbage, or the garden
s...
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Wanted A Young Man From The Country
All of our mercantile cities are overrun with young men who have been
bred for the counter or desk, and thousands of these genteel y...
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Presence Of Mind
Mr. Davenport--the "Ned Davenport" of the Bowery boys--before sailing
for Europe and while attached to the Bowery Theatre, was of th...
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The Skipper's Schooner
No better specimen of the genus, genuine Yankee nation, can be found,
imagined or described, than the skippers of along shore, from
...
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Philosophy Of The Times
The philosophy of the present age is peculiarly the philosophy of
outsides. Few dive deeper into the human breast than the bosom of ...
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The Emperor And The Poor Author
"The pen is mightier than the sword."
Great men are not the less liable or addicted to very small, and very
mean, and someti...
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The Bigger Fool The Better Luck
The American "Ole Bull," young Howard, one of the most scientific
crucifiers of the violin we ever heard, gave us a call t'other day...
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An Active Settlement
Gen. Houston lives, when at home, at Huntsville, Texas; the inhabitants
mostly live, says Humboldt, Beeswax, Borax, or some of the o...
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A Yankee In A Pork-house
"Conscience sakes! but hain't they got a lot of pork here?" said a
looker-on in Quincy Market, t'other day.
"Pork!" echoes a deci...
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German Caution
Some ten years since, an old Dutchman purchased in the vicinity of
Brooklyn, a snug little farm for nine thousand dollars. Last week...
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Ben Mcconachy's Great Dog Sell
A great many dogmas have been written, and may continue to be written,
on dogs. Confessing, once, to a dogmatical regard for dogs, w...
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The Perils Of Wealth
Money is admitted to be--there is no earthly use of dodging the
fact--the lever of the whole world, by which it and its multifarious...
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Nursing A Legacy
Waiting for dead men's shoes is a slow and not very sure business;
sometimes it pays and sometimes it don't. I know a genius who los...
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The Troubles Of A Mover
"Mr. Flash in?"
"Mr. Flash? Don't know any such person, my son."
"Why, he lives here!" continued the boy.
"Guess not, my son...
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The Question Settled
"Doctor" Gumbo, who "does business" somewhere along shore, met "Prof."
White,--a gemman, whose complexion is four shades darker than...
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How It's Done At The Astor House
People often wonder how a man can manage to drink up his salary in
liquor, provided it is sufficient to buy a gallon of the very bes...
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The Advertisement
Sit down for a moment, we will not detain you long, our story will
interest you, we are sure, for it is most commendable, brief,
an...
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Incidents In A Fortune-hunter's Life
We do not now recollect what philosopher it was who said, "it's no
disgrace to be poor, but it's often confoundedly unhandy!" But, w...
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A Distinction With A Difference
A gentleman from "out 'town," came into Redding & Co.'s on Christmas
day, and leaning thoughtfully over the counter, says he to Pres...
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Pills And Persimmons
I remember an old "Joke" told me by my father, of an old, and rather
addle-headed gentleman, who some fifty years ago did business i...
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Mysteries And Miseries Of The Life Of A City Editor
A great deal has been written, to show that the literary business is a
very disagreeable business; and that branch of it coming unde...
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The Tribulations Of Incivility
"A gentleman by the name of Collins stopping with you?"
"Collins?" was the response.
"Yes, Collins, or Collings, I ain't sure w...
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The Broomstick Marriage
"Marry in haste and repent at leisure," is a time-honored idea, and
calls to mind a matrimonial circumstance which, according to pre...
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Appearances Are Deceitful
There are a great many good jokes told of the false notions formed as to
the character and standing of persons, as judged by their d...
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Cigar Smoke
Few persons can readily conceive of the amount of cigars consumed in
this country, daily, to say little or nothing of the yearly smo...
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An Everlasting Tall Duel
After all the vicissitudes, ups and downs of a soldier's life,
especially in such a campaign as that in Mexico, there is a great dea...
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