"How about the lazy man who hurt his eye looking for work?" "That's nothing. How about the industrious safe breaker doing time for making money?"
Pressed for work--cider. Never out of print--the calico counter.
After a man has had occasion to employ a first-class lawyer it is useless to tell him that talk is cheap.
"Two wrongs don't make a right." "Yes, they do." "How so?" "Why, some one passed a counterfeit five-dollar bill on me to-day; that was wrong. I gave it to my landlady for board; th...
"I'm nearly starved. Just got in from a three-hour trip on the New York Central." "But couldn't you get anything to eat on the train?" "Nope! It was a 'fast' train."
"My sister had a fright yesterday. She had a black spider run up her arm." "That's nothing. I had a sewing machine run up the seam of my trousers."
The modern drummer is not much like the month of March. March is said to come in a lion and go out a lamb, while the drummer comes in a lyin' and goes out a lyin'.
"Here lies poor Sam: and what is strange, Grim death has worked in him a change---- He always lied and always will, He once lied loud and now lies still."
Take away my first letter, take away my second letter, take away all my letters and I am still the same. What am I? The postman.
Telephone operators are always bound to have the last word; that's why females are always employed in that capacity.
An excellent reason.--Casey--"Oi'll wurk no more fer thot mon Dolan." Mrs. Casey--"An' phwy?" Casey--"Shure, t'is an account av a remark thot he made t' me." Mrs. Casey--"Phwat did...
TRAMP--"Can't you give a poor man something to eat? I got shot in the war and can't work." Woman-"Where was you shot?" "In the spinal column, mum." "Go 'way! There was no such batt...
"My dear, what makes you always yawn?" The wife exclaimed, her temper gone, "Is home so dull and dreary?" "Not so, my love," he said, "Not so; But man and wife are one, you know; A...
JIM--"Why do you wear your stocking wrong side outward?" PAT--"Because there's a hole on the other side."
"Do you know the nature of an oath, ma'am?" inquired the judge. "Well, I reckon I orter," was the reply. "My husband drives a canal boat."
Lawyers practice at the bar, while bartenders and mosquitoes practice inside of it.
A young lady in Philadelphia is said to have had five lovers, all named Samuel. Her photograph album must be a book of Sams.
"Nothing can make a woman so superlatively happy as to have a baby of her own to kiss," exclaimed Mrs. McBride, rapturously, as she fondled her firstborn. "My dear," replied her hu...
"When I was eating my dinner to-day the butter ran." "That's nothing. I was up-town last night and saw a cake walk."
The following is a resolution of an Irish corporation: "That a new jail should be built, that this be done out of the material of the old one, and the old jail to be used until the...
A tramp asked a farmer for something to eat One day as he chanced there to stop, The kind hearted farmer went out to the shed And gave him an axe and feelingly said: "Now just help...
Don't pen missives to your best girl on postal cards. She may have suspicion that you do not care two cents for her.
DICK--"Do you think you'll have much trouble in popping the question?" TOM--"No, I think I'll have more trouble in questioning the pop."
HE--Then I am to understand that you have given me the mitten, as it were? SHE--You have said it. HE--And is this all? SHE--Of course it is. What more do you want--a pair of socks?
BROWN--"Peckhen has arrived safe. I just received a cablegram from him." SMITH--"Did he have a rough voyage?" BROWN--"No; his wife didn't go."
"I'll pass the butter," said he, while trying to pass the browsing goat. "I'll butt the passer," said the goat, as he helped him over the fence.
REGULAR CALLER--"I'd like to see your father, Tommy, if he isn't engaged." TOMMY--"He is; but what is the matter with Clara? She isn't engaged."
"A Maine dealer says he has sold more skates this season than he has ever sold before in an entire season." "That proves what I have contended right along." "What's that?" "That pr...
SHE--You can't eat cake and keep it. HE--Oh, yes, you can--the kind you make.
Two Irish farmers who had not seen each other for a long time met at a fair. They had a lot of things to tell each other. "Shure, it's married I am," said Murphy. "You don't tell m...