Lawyer: "Have you conscientious scruples against serving as a juror where the penalty is death?" Boston Talesman: "I have." Lawyer: "What, is your objection?" Boston Talesman: "I d...
"Oh, live and let live, my man." "Yes, I'd look well, wouldn't I? I'm a butcher."
"Friend of mine to-day," said Mr. Kidder, "was talking of coming here to board." "I hope," remarked Mrs. Starvem, "you were pleased to recommend our table and"---- "Sure! Told him...
City Niece--"The windows in our new church are stained." Country Aunt--"Ain't that a pity. Can't they get nothing to take it off?"
"Why, the bare idea!" "Of what, dear?" "Telling the naked truth!"
MAUD--How do you define love? MARIE--Love is the life of illusion. "And what is marriage?" "Oh, marriage is the death of them."
An old-maid being at a loss for a pin-cushion, made use of an onion for the purpose. On the following morning she found all the needles had tears in their eyes.
HE--Did you ever see anything at so-called bargain sales that was really cheap? SHE--Yes; the look on the man's face who accompanied his wife to one of them.
"What is a swell affair, Jim?" "Swell affair! lemme see. Ah! yes, I know--a boil." "Something else, try again." "No, give it up." "A hill, ye know. Don't ye see, a hill is a swell...
"I see villainy in your face," said a judge to a prisoner. "May it please your honor," said the latter, "that is a personal reflection."
A notice at a small depot near Manchester reads: "Passengers are requested to cross over the railway by the subway." This reminds us of the oft-quoted notice put up at the ford of...
BIGGS--"I hear the jail was afire this morning?" BAGGS--"Naw; it was only a sell."
"What makes so much froth in a glass of beer, pa?" "The barkeep, my son."
THE WIFE (savagely)--Don't let me catch you flirting. THE HUSBAND (meekly)--No, dear, never again. That's the way you did catch me, you know!
TOMDICK--I'd like to find some girl willing to marry me. ANDARRY--Ah! You want one ready maid.
"Can you swim, little boy?" "Yes, sir." "Where did you learn?" "In the water, sir."
The street car lurched, she fell ker-flump! But got up with a happy smile, And to the young man said: "Please, sir, How many laps are to the mile?"
She--They say the eyes are the windows of the soul, I believe. He--Yes; and when a man goes into a drug store and shuts a window quickly, the clerk knows just about what the poor s...
PAT--"'Twas the divil of a blow the dago gave yer. Yer wuz near Kilt." MIKE--"Begorra, I wish I had died that I moite see the villain hung."
"Our new Congressman has made himself very popular." "What has he done?" "Introduced a bill declaring it a penal offence for a man to ask for a haircut or shampoo on Saturday after...
Mike--Yus, poor Sullivan is dead. He hadn't got an enemy in the world. Pat--What did he die of? Mike--Oh; he wur killed in a foight.
Business men who marry their typewriter girls are apt to find that the young women are not so ready to submit to dictation after the wedding.
"Gee, I just made a bad break," murmured the chef, as he threw away some rotten eggs.
Elderly Man (greeting former acquaintance)--"I remember your face perfectly, miss, but your name has escaped me." The Young Woman--"I don't wonder. It escaped me three years ago. I...
KID--Did the dogs ever bite you? GENT--What dogs? KID--The dogs you ran after. Pa was telling Ma that you used to chase the growler when he first knew you.
PAT--Who is being lowered into a well; "Sthop, will ye, Murphy? Oi want to coom up again." MURPHY--Still letting him down, "Phat for?" PAT--"Oi'll Show ye. Af ye don't sthop lettin...
"This is our latest novelty," said the manufacturer, proudly. "Good work, isn't it?" "Not bad," replied the visitor, "but you can't hold a candle to the goods we make." "Oh! are yo...
A man who had not the best reputation for strict veracity died the other day, and the family was greatly incensed because some well-meaning friends sent in a broken lyre as a flora...
There was a young woman named Hannah, Who put on a great many airs, She stepped on a peel of banana, And now she's laid up for repairs.
"In one way the clock makers are independent of labor troubles." "That's very fortunate, isn't it," said his wife innocently, "but how?" "Simply because in clock works the hands ne...