"Are you intimate with any of the nobility?" asked Chippy. "Well, rather!" replied Clubdoodle. "I got a queen full last night, and had a high old time with four kings."
"Is it raining, girls?" "No," broke in Cumso; "only cats and dogs."
If the devil lost its tail, where would he go to get another one? To a liquor store where they retail spirits.
"And so Prof. Greene has at last discovered the missing link! Where did he find it?" "Under the bureau, I understand."
"Have you ever met my sister, Louisa?" "Yes. She's rather stout, isn't she?" "I have another at home--Lena."
STUDENT--Professor, which is the logical way of reaching a conclusion? PROFESSOR--Take a train of thought, my boy.
The stork is a bird with a great big bill; He brings us the babies whenever he will; Then comes the doctor, and when he is through, You find that he has a big bill, too.
An Irishman, just landed, seeing an electric-motor car running for the first time, exclaimed: "Well, well, Ould Nick must be pullin' it wid a string."
MR. BIXBY--Have you noticed how much better I rest after a day's fishing? MRS. BIXBY--No; but I have noticed how much easier you lie after a day's fishing than upon other days.
"I got your fare, didn't I?" asked the conductor. "I believe not," the facetious passenger replied. "I think I saw you ring it up."
If Pearl Street is crooked; Is Union Square?
A recent school examination in England elicited the following definitions: "Noah's wife," wrote one boy, "was called Joan of Arc." "Water," wrote another, "is composed of two gases...
Some one threw a head of cabbage at an Irish orator while he was making a speech once. He paused a second, and said: "Gentlemen, I only asked for your ears, I don't care for your h...
"Since I've been married I don't get half enough to eat." "Well, you must remember that we are one now."
"Why should a young man never raise his straw hat to a lady?" "Because it is never felt."
A man aroused his wife from a sound sleep, the other night, saying that he had seen a ghost in the shape of a donkey. "Oh! let me sleep," the irate dame rejoined, "and don't be fri...
The Governess--What happened when the man killed the goose that laid the golden egg, Margie? Little Margie--Why, I guess his goose was cooked.
"Did you hear about Miss Jones?" "No. What's up?" "Why, she eloped with one of the boarders in the hotel." "Oh, that was only a roomer!"
"They caught the burglars that robbed the hotel last night." "How?" "They jumped on the scales and gave themselves a weigh."
VISITOR--I suppose you have a great deal of poetry sent into you for publication? EDITOR--No, not very much poetry as a rule; some of it is verse, and some of it is worse.
"Do I bore you?" asked the mosquito, politely, as he sunk a half-inch shaft into the man's leg. "Not at all," replied the man, squashing him with a book. "How do I strike you?"
"When was money first invented?" "I don't know. When was it?" "When the dove brought the greenback to Noah."
MERCHANT (to his confidential clerk)--Here's a letter from Mr. Slowpay, but no money. What's the matter with him? CLERK--Oh, he's all write. "Who's all write?" "Slowpay." But they...
The rapidity of ocean transport is becoming truly marvelous. A sea captain boasts that he finished loading a cargo of wheat at San Francisco by dinner time, and then went to China...
"What have you here?" asked the fresh young man of the waiter at a first-class restaurant. "Everything, sir." "Everything?" sneeringly, "Have it served at once." "Hash for one," ye...
CALLER--Wonder if I can see your mother, little boy? Is she engaged? LITTLE BOY--Engaged? Whatcher givin' us? She's married.
"Curious, isn't it?" "What?" "A man's handwriting is never so bad that his name can't be read when signed to a check."
But entre nous, that legend of yore Only tells half; they cried for more!
ALGY--"Charming widow, isn't she? They say she is to marry again." CHOLLY--"I wouldn't want to be a widow's second husband." ALGY--"Well, I'd rather be a widow's second husband tha...
DINER--"Hello! waiter, where is that ox-tail soup?" WAITER--"Coming, sir--half a minute." DINER--"Confound you! How slow you are." WAITER--"Fault of the soup, sir. Ox-tail is alway...