AMERICAN--"You have noticed, I suppose, that the balance of trade, so far as your country and ours are concerned, is still in our favor?" ENGLISHMAN--"Nothing of the sort, sir. We...
"What are you writing such a big hand for, Pat?" "Why, you see my grandmother is dafe, and I'm writing a loud letter to her."
"What do you think of the statement that there are three hundred haunted houses in New York?" asked Mr. Knickerbocker. "Oh," replied Jones, "that only ghost to show how plentiful s...
"Me eyes is crossed," sighed Kate. "No, love," "Not crossed," cried Pat. "Be jaber, 'Tis jist that aich is jealous of The beauty av its neighbor."
RAILWAY CLERK--Another accident on the road to-day, sir. MANAGER--Indeed; What now? CLERK--Man dislocated his neck trying to read our new time table.
"Did you go into any of the New York restaurants?" "No. I got into what I thought was one and I heard a feller call for Saratoga chips and I knew 'twas a gamblin'-den and got out q...
"I've been married five years, and I've got a bushel of children." "How's that?" "My name is Peck. I've got four children. Don't four pecks make a bushel?"
There is a Presbyterian in Jersey City so openly opposed to baptism by immersion that he refuses to carry a Waterbury watch.
How to gain flesh--buy out a butcher shop.
A Frankfort man has written a farce comedy called "Vaccine." It ought to take.
SHE--"I think this a lovely hat you bought me, George, but really it's a sin to pay $50.00 for it." HE--"Well, the sin is on your own head, not mine."
"I'm not surprised that hair-dressers feel so much at ease in the society of the great." "You're not?" "No; they are surrounded at home by any number of big-wigs."
When a man is short of money he finds most of his friends whom he meets short-sighted.
"Do you think that as a rule people who attend theaters are superstitious?" "Do I think so? I know it. I have seen people sit for an hour waiting for a ghost to walk." "For that ma...
After wedding a rich heiress, Price Said, "Gambling's a terrible vice, But one thing I know, This matching for dough Is a thing that's exceedingly nice."
ACTOR FRIEND (inquiring at boarding house)--Has Mr. Comedy taken his departure yet? "Yes," snapped the landlady, "but that's all he did take; I've got his wardrobe."
"That cook would make a good baseball player." "Why so?" "A fly got into the batter when she was serving the griddles, and the way she caught that fly from the batter was a sight t...
"He seems to have gone to the bad completely." "Yes; I believe he found himself between the devil and the deep sea, and he realized that he couldn't swim."
ISAACS--Undt suppose dey did send us a message from Mars, how could dey tell if we got it? COHEN--Vell, dey mighd send it gollect undt see if ve paid for it.
"Young man, don't you know you ought to lay something by for a rainy day?" "I do; my rubbers."
IKEY--Fader, is "imbegunious" undt "inzolvent" der same? FADER--Nodt at all! "Imbegunious" is ven a man has got no more money, undt "inzolvent" is ven his greditors has got about a...
A husband and wife are considered one, but it is useless to try to work that gag on the landlord when he presents the board bill.
CHOLLY--Ethel Knox told me last night I wasn't over half-witted. SUSIE--I shouldn't feel badly about that; she never did know anything about fractions.
"About the only time my tailor gives his customers regular fit," said Buttons, "is when they neglect to pay their bills."
"Why do all bank cashiers run to Canada?" "Give it up." "Because that's the only place Toronto."
A prominent man called to condone with a lady on the death of her husband, and concluded by saying, "Did he leave you much?" "Nearly every night," was the reply.
The first kiss only comes once in a lifetime. The trouble with the fellow who loses his temper is that he always finds it again. The man who plays the bass drum should have no diff...
FRIEND--Do you permit your wife to have her own way? HUSBAND (positively)--No, sir. She has it without my permission.
The landlord came to Mrs. O'Hooligan on the first day of May last, and said: "See here, my foine loidy, I am going to raise your rent." "Oh thanks be to the Lord," said Mrs. O'Hool...
The sunshine warm and budding trees, Made Johnny feel quite gay. He went to swim--the obsequies Are being held to-day.