Whether tall men, or short men are best, Or bold men, or modest and shy men, I can't say, but this I protest, All the fair are in favor of Hy-men.
Charlemagne was in need of amusement. "Why," they asked him, "do you have such a large number of court jesters in constant attendance on your royal person?" "Because," he replied,...
"Couples making love will beware of the rubber plant." "While driving through the park don't speak to your horses. They carry tales." "All animals are not in cages. There are some...
"Ma, what is a Panama man called?" "A Panaman, Johnny." "Then what is a Panama woman?" "If she's married and obeys President Roosevelt she's just a plain Panama."
"Ah! I'm saddest when I sing," She sang in plaintive key; And all the neighbors yelled, "So are we! so are we."
Adversity is not without comfort--your enemy may be in harder luck than you.
"Yes, there is one part of the dough-nut that wouldn't give you dyspepsia." "And what part is that?" "The hole in the middle!"
MRS. PENDERGAST (in disgust)--You call these shades alike! Is there anything you can match? MR. PENDERGAST--Yes. Pennies.
Electricity is a great educator. Think what it has done to make men see things in a new light.
"How are you to-day?" "Oh, I can't kick." "Thought you were ill." "I am--I have the gout."
Customer (to the coal dealer): "Have you got any name for those scales of yours?" "I never heard of scales having a name." "Well, you ought to call your scales Ambush. You see, the...
SPECIAL RULES FOR GUESTS. 1--Guests are requested not to speak to the dumb waiter. 2--Guests wishing to get up without being called can have self-raising flour for supper. 3--The h...
She--I had a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can't find it anywhere. He--Did you look among the Vs, dear?
"You were thrown out?" remarked the ash barrel. "That's what you get for being crooked." "The crookedness, is not my fault," said the nail. "I was driven to it by a woman."
"What's the matter here?" "Man broke his neck." "What story did he fall from?" "Didn't fall--tried to see the top of the building."
, If the rate of his pay he dislikes: But a clock-and its case is uncommonly hard-- Will continue to work though it strikes!
A deaf and dumb mute recently went into a bicycle shop and picked up a hub and spoke.
"You know Fatty Schultz the butcher. What do you suppose he weighs?" "I don't know, what does he weigh?" "Meat."
MRS. LIMBERCHIN--I was so mad last night I couldn't speak. MR. L.--And I was away! Just my luck!
MISTRESS (to cook who has fallen down stairs)--I hope that you did not hurt yourself, Mary? MARY--Oh, no, ma'am; Oi overtook meself at the bottom.
YOUNG M.D.--That jig is up. OLD M.D.--What do you mean? YOUNG M.D.--That fellow with St. Vitus's dance died this morning.
"Did you hear the story about the peacock?" "No." "It's a beautiful tale."
"Why do you call your dog hardware?" "Because when I go to whip him he makes a bolt for the door."
It is a Maine husband who has dubbed his wife "Crystal," because she is always "on the watch."
A certain young man told his girl the other night that if she didn't marry him he'd get a rope and hang himself right in front of her home. "Oh, please don't do it, Harry," she sai...
Girls and billiard balls kiss each other with just about the same amount of real feeling.
"Why does a donkey eat thistles?" asked a Texas teacher of one of the largest boys in the class. "Because he is an ass, I reckon."
LADY--What! You here again? I don't believe you have done a thing all Summer. TRAMP--You do me an injustice, mum. I jist finished doin' thirty days.
HAUGHTY LADY--(who has purchased a stamp)-Must I put it on myself? POST OFFICE ASSISTANT (very politely)--Not necessarily, ma'am; it will probably accomplish more if you put it on...
A boy who is frequently chastised both by his mother and grandmother, speaks of them as "a spanking team."