"Things are wrong," remarked the observer of events and things, "when a reputable physician has to pay money for a certificate to practice, and a fourteen-year-old girl with a new...
We are told that "Gen. Sherman was always coolest when on the point of attack." Most people are hottest when on the point of a tack.
"Did you ever hear about the two holes in our back-yard?" "Well! Well!"
"Young ladies who feel anxious to preserve the most symmetrical anatomical proportions, should never be in a hurry. They should remember that 'haste' makes waist."
Coleridge, who was a bad rider, was accosted when on horseback by a wag, who asked him if he knew what happened to Balaam, "The same thing that happened to me--An ass spoke to him....
"George, you look exhausted," she said to him as he was putting on his hat and coat. "Yes," he answered, glancing towards his daughter at the piano. "I'm played out."
LITTLE WILLIE--Papa, why does the railway company have those cases with the ax and saw in every car? FATHER--I presume they are put in to use in case anyone wants to open a window.
Said she, "How beautiful is nature!" Said the young man, "Yes, quite true;" Then, added, as he viewed her complexion, "And art is quite beautiful, too."
"And did you never kiss a girl under the mistletoe?" "Well, no; its pleasanter to kiss her under the nose."
NEWLYWED-"What do bachelors know about women?" OLDBACH-"Lots; otherwise they would not be bachelors."
"A man at the hotel wanted to bet that Corbett would knock out Jeffries." "Who took him up?" "The elevator boy, I think."
"I'll never ask another woman to marry me as long as I live!" "Refused again?" "No; accepted."
The rubber plant was rubb'ring round In a manner most absurd: The long green corn prickled up her ears And this is what she heard: "Wot's tomato wid you, you beat?" Asked the onion...
If Broomstick, as rumored, is in a woman's hands, he may be booked to beat the favorite. Torchlight and Igniter, coupled should prove a red hot combination, but with Extinguisher i...
JIMSON--Now, you wouldn't marry me, would you? MISS SEARS--Most certainly not; but why do you ask such a question? JIMSON--Just to decide a bet.
TOMMY--Pa, did you really mean it when you said you'd spank anyone that broke that vase? PA--Just come here, sir, and I'll show you. TOMMY--Don't show me. Show Bridget; she just br...
"After all, you know," said Mr. Oldbeau, "a man is only as old as he feels"---- "Yes," said Miss Pepprey, "but some old men make the mistake of thinking they are as young as they t...
I hear they are trying to close up the gambling establishments in New York. Why didn't they close up Adam? He was the first gambler. Didn't he start the races?
"Here's an account of a hen which layed three eggs at once, and then died," remarked Mrs. Sumway. "From over-eggsertion, probably," commented her husband.
"Pat," said one Catholic friend to another, "how would you like to be buried in a Protestant graveyard?" "Faith an' I'd die first!"
The girl who marries a title very frequently turns her fortune to a count.
"I had soup in a restaurant the other day and found an oyster in it." "Great Scott! That one oyster in the soup joke is old." "Yes, but this was tomato soup."
According to a florist's magazine "Jacks are becoming cheap." This may be true, but we have known men who would have been willing to pay $10 for one to put with the two already in...
"There goes a man who leads in letters." "Ah, indeed! What's his name?" "A.A. Adams."
"Why are you sad, Bill?" "Oh, I am troubled with dyspepsia." "How can that be?" "I got licked at school 'cause I couldn't spell it."
BROWN--"Young Dudel's body has been recovered." "Why, I didn't know he had been drowned." "He hasn't. He merely bought a new suit of clothes."
"See here, sir," remonstrated the young gentleman, "I got up to give my seat to the lady, not to you." "Ach, dat's all right. She's my vife," he responded placidly. And he kept the...
"Why is a kiss like the three graces?" "Its faith to a girl; hope to a young woman and charity to an old maid."
"My face is my fortune, sir," she said, But her suitor saw right through her; She meant she could not cash a check, Unless the banker knew her.
The impecunious young man who marries a girl with a substantial check attached may very properly be said to have been checkmated.