"What a fearful night I had when I drew this gun the first time!" said the bartender, as he showed a handsome silver-mounted Colt. "When was it?" gasped the crowd. "Night before la...
"That sounds like the charity bawl," said the nurse, as the babies in the orphan asylum began to yell.
"What a distinguished looking man." "Yes, the last time I saw him he was on the bench." "What, a judge?" "No; a substitute ball-player."
An old lady, being told that a certain lawyer "was lying at the point of death," exclaimed: "My Gracious! Won't even death stop that man's lying?"
A lady noticed a boy sprinkling salt on the sidewalk to take off the ice, and remarked to a friend, pointing to the salt: "Now, that's true benevolence." "No, it ain't," said the b...
HE--"I saw you out driving yesterday with a gentleman. He appeared to have only one arm; is that all he has?" SHE--"Oh, no; the other arm was around somewhere."
"If," said the druggist, "you will give this new tonic a trial I'm sure you will never use any other." "Excuse me," rejoined the customer, "but I prefer something less fatal."
"What relation is a door-step to a door-mat?" "What relation?" "A step-farther."
"Betty, why do you sit up at this hour of the night darning your stockings?" said mother, sharply; "don't you know it's 12 o'clock?" "Oh, yes," laughed Betty, "but it's never too l...
"How could you endure talking so long with that ugly old woman with that frightful costume without laughing in her face?" "Oh, that's easy. She is my wife."
"Where are you going, my pretty maid?" "Out automobiling, sir," she said. "May I go with you, my pretty maid?" "If you can steer the old thing, you may," she said.
"I'm very much surprised," quoth Harry, "That Jane a gambler should marry." "I'm not at all," her sister says, "You know he has such winning ways!"
LANDLADY (proudly)--Nothing goes to waste in this house. I make hash out of everything that's left over. BOARDER--(musingly)--But what do you do with the hash that's left over? LAN...
"Pa, what does Sioux Falls, S.D., mean?" "Eh? Sioux Falls is the name of a town." "And what's S.D.?" "Swift divorce, of course."
"What must a man be that he shall be buried with military honors?" "He must be a captain." "Then I lose the bet." "What did you bet?" "I bet he must be dead."
A queen was she--the beautiful maid-- Beauty or wealth she did not lack-- But the game was euchre that Cupid played, And the Queen was won by a Jack.
A teacher in a high school asked a little wad of an Irish boy to describe a lake. "Sure and it is hole in the kettle."
"So Maude is happily married?" "Happily? I should say she is! Why she married a somnambulist, who gets up in his sleep every morning and builds the fire."
Broker--"Don't you find it easier to shave some men than others?" Barber--"Yes; don't you?"
"Why so glum, Blumly? Anything gone wrong?" "Yes, I've just lost two of my best friends." "By death or marriage?" "Neither. I loaned them money."
--"I'm very sorry for that boy. Your scolding cut him to the quick." --"That's impossible. He has no quick. He's a messenger boy."
"An Irishman comes to this country, remains here ten years, and goes back to Ireland and dies. What is he?" "Why, an Irishman, of course." "No, you're wrong; he is a corpse."
"Let me see," said the minister, who was filling out the marriage certificate and had forgotten the date, "this is the fifth, is it not?" "No, sir!" said the bride, with some indig...
"No, indeed," she said, "I can never be your wife. Why, I had half a dozen offers before yours." "Huh!" rejoined the young man in the case. "That's nothing. I proposed to at least...
As the umpire shouted "Three balls!" the batsman started guiltily. "This isn't the first time I've raised something on a diamond," he muttered, as he hit the next one and knocked a...
--I met a deaf and dumb man to-day who had every joint of his fingers broken. --That is terrible, how did it happen? --Well, he used to crack jokes on his fingers.
BOY (with new gun)--"Pa, has a cat got nine lives?" PAPA (donor of gun)--"Yes, so we are told. Why do you ask?" BOY--"Well, then, Mr. Brown's tabby's got eight coming to her."
"I know a man who says he can't sit down and he can't stand up." "Well, if he tells the truth, he lies."
"Is the proprietor in?" asked the visitor to the planing mill. "I want to order some doors." "He's in," replied the smart office boy, "but I think he's out o' doors."
"Oh, I am awfully worried. I walk in my sleep." "I only wish I could do it. If I could I'd still have my job on the police force."