"Did any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" inquired a teacher of a class of youths. "I have," exclaimed one. "Where?" asked the teacher. "On the elephant," replied the boy.
"Do you think the elevator boy stole your watch?" "Well, he swore up and down that he didn't."
SENTIMENTAL WIFE--Last night I dreamt that I was in heaven. GRUFF HUSBAND--You did, eh? Why the deuce didn't you stay there?
The hawk was dozing. "You look," said the jay, from a safe distance, "as if you were full." "Well," the hawk admitted, "I have just been having a little lark that was a bird."
We're all often forced to rob Peter In order to settle with Paul, But some of us merely rob Peter And Paul never sees us at all.
"What in the world shall I do with the baby, John? She's crying for the moon." "That's nothing. Wait till she's eighteen and she'll want the earth."
Everybody knows a woman is hard to please. She likes the matrimonial harness, but doesn't like to be hitched up with a man who is strapped.
"How did you cure your boy of swearing?" "By the laying on of hands, principally."
"What are you going to do with your boy?" "I don't know; I'm afraid he is a bad egg." "In that case he might do for an actor."
HUSBAND--"Where's your mistress? She said she'd be ready in a minute, and I've waited half an hour." MAID--"She'll be down in a second, sir. She's changing her complexion to match...
A man who drives away customers--the cabman.
"I cannot play second fiddle to any one." "Then be my beau!"
BACON--What's that thread tied about your little finger for? EGBERT--Oh, that's just to remind my wife to ask me if I forgot something she told me to remember.
"Mother, may I go out to wheel?" "Yes, my darling daughter; I suppose, of course, you won't wear skirts, Although I think you oughter."
We mustn't kiss the baby, we mustn't kiss the kid, We mustn't kiss the dainty miss, so scientists affirm; To pounce upon and "wrastle" us there waits the awful bacillus, The sempit...
Before marriage, women wants tenderness. In a little while she is satisfied with legal tender.
FRED--"I had a fall last night which rendered me unconscious for several hours." ED--"You don't mean it? Where did you fall?" FRED--"I fell asleep."
HE--I'll go to-morrow and buy a diamond engagement ring. SHE--Now, George, for the first time your talk has the true ring in it.
SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--What is meant in the parable by a "house built upon a rock?" SUNDAY SCHOOL SCHOLAR--A Harlem flat.
"Good gracious," said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg on the nest. "I shall be a bricklayer next."
"Harold!" began his wife, in a furious temper, "my mind is made up----" "Mercy!" interrupted her husband; "is that so? I had hoped that your mind, at least, was your own!"
TEACHER--Johnny, can you tell me what a section boss is? JOHNNY--The conductor of a sleeping-car.
"Do you believe in luck?" "Sometimes. See that fat woman with the red hat over there?" "Yes." "Twenty years ago she refused to marry me."
"We have German bands and French bands and American bands, but you never hear of an Irish band. You couldn't have one. Every man would want to be leader."
When a woman finds her dress does not match her complexion, it is always easy enough to change her complexion.
A poacher, surprised at his work and pursued in his escape by a vengefully thrown axe, remarked, as he vaulted a fence: "I have no fault to find with your remarks, but I object to...
CITYMAN--Do they keep a servant girl? SUBBUBS--O! certainly not. But as soon as one leaves they engage another.--Philadelphia Press.
How to signal a bark--pull a dog's tail.
"Jackson never lights one of his cigars. Just keeps it in his mouth and chews the end. I've often wondered why." "You wouldn't if you had ever smoked one of them."
Now comes the question which will make This life a bitter cup.... How many hoopskirts will it take To fill a trolley car up?