"A telephone girl always reminds me of a pictured saint." "Why?" "There is a continual 'hello' around her head."
She wants to be punctual, always on time, So carries her watch where she goes. And if you examine her wardrobe you'll find She even has clocks on her hose.
SHE--"Are you fond of tea?" HE--"Yes; but I like the next letter better."
"Were you attached to the place?" The actress laughed bitterly. "I don't know what you'd call it," she rejoined. "The sheriff had all my dresses except a Mother Hubbard."
"What is the best way to raise cabbage?" "With a knife and fork."
"I saw some delicious apples growing on a tree this morning. I couldn't reach them, and asked the lady of the house if she would let me take a step-ladder." "Did she give it to you...
"The house a lawyer once enjoy'd, Now to a smith doth pass; How naturally the iron age Succeeds the age of brass!"
"I'll admit," said Mrs. Hylo, "there are some things I don't know"---- "That's no lie," interrupted her husband. "But," continued the alleged better half of the combination, "that...
Sailors are not fond of agricultural implements usually, but they always welcome the cry of "Land-hoe."
Each evening a good-looking Mr. Comes around for a visit to my Sr.; One night on the stairs, He, all unawares, Put his arm round her figure and Kr.
If a woman would change her sex, what would her religion be? She would be a he-then, of course.
"That man has had five wives." "Tandem or simultaneously?" "I don't understand." "Is he a Mormon or a Chicago man?"
"Did you shoot anything, Henrick?" "Yes, a duck." "What! a wild one?" "No, but the farmer was wild."
GUEST--What have you got? WAITER--I've got liver, calf's brains, pig's feet-- GUEST--Hold up there! I don't want a description of your physical peculiarities. What have you got to...
BUTCHER--I need a boy about your size, and will give you $1 a week. APPLICANT--Will I have a chance to rise? BUTCHER--Yes; I want you to be here at four o'clock in the morning.
When you see a young man cleaning a girl's bicycle, they are engaged; but when you see the operation reversed, they are married.
"How is Uncle Mose coming on?" asked Sam Johnsing of Jim Webster. "He will be out in a few days." "Is his rheumatism done gone?" "Well, not perzackly. Dar's room for improvement yi...
SHE--"They say that your father is a millionaire. Is it true?" HE--"Yes; and, strange to say, I am one also." SHE--"How do you make that out?" HE--"Why, I am the only child, theref...
--So Ethel is to marry that young Bob Halstey; why, he has been jilted by half a dozen girls. --Case of being well shaken before taken, I suppose.
"How is your house heated?" "By hot air." "Hot air?" "Yes--the landlord's."
Jenks--Why on earth did you laugh so heartily at that ancient jest of Borem's? Wise--In self-defense. Jenks--in self-defence? Wise--Yes; if I hadn't laughed so he would have repeat...
"My lord," said the foreman of an Irish jury when giving in his verdict, "we find the man who stole the mare not guilty."
The fact that a man has not cut his hair for ten or twelve years need not necessarily imply that he is eccentric. He may be bald.
GRACE--"Fred and Mabel are not on speaking terms any more." BELLA--"Why, I thought they were engaged." GRACE--"So they are. They just sit for hours and hold each other's hands."
"If you should die, what would you do with your body?" "I don't know." "I'd sell mine to a medical student." "Then you'd be giving yourself dead away."
"In choosing a wife," said the scanty-haired philosopher, "one should never judge by appearances." "That's right," rejoined the very young man. "The homeliest girls usually have th...
"My son," said the good old man, "if you only work hard enough when you undertake a thing, you're bound to be at the top when you've finished." "But suppose I undertake to dig a we...
Some fellows marry poor girls to settle down and others marry rich ones to settle up.
"Doing anything now, Bill?" "Oh, yes, I'm kept busy all the time." "Ah, glad to hear it. What are you doing?" "Looking for a job."
"You ought to be very proud of your wife. She is a brilliant talker." "You're right there." "Why, I could listen to her all night." "I have to."