"So you were bound and gagged by bandits while in Italy, were you?" asked the garrulous person; "regular comic-opera bandits, eh?" "No sir," said the traveler; "there was nothing o...
"Castles in the air are walled in by fancy," remarked the poet. "Faith, I'd prefer a rale fence," said Pat.
"Dearest," she murmured, "I'm so afraid you'll change." "Darling," he answered, "you'll never find any change about me."
He dined, not wisely, but too well-- Hence all his ills; And nothing now agrees with him, Excepting pills.
JOHN--Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making money fast? TOM--Sure I do. JOHN--Glue it to the floor.
"Miss Prim is a very proper young lady." "Yes; she wouldn't even accompany a young man on the piano without a chaperon."
SHE--Why do they call it an arm of the sea? HE--Because it hugs the shore, I guess.
The butcher is a fair minded fellow. He is always willing to meet his customers half weigh.
A little burn makes a big smart sometimes. But even a big burn could not make some people smart.
"What did de lady do when yer asked her for an old collar?" "She gave me a turndown."
"I'd like to see your mistress. Is she engaged?" "Lord, sir! she's married; been married for twenty years."
"What's the matter, John? You look kind o' weather-beaten this morning." "That's exactly what I am. I bet five dollars it would rain yesterday, and it didn't!"
BROWN--Up at Hagenbeck's show there is a large bear that hugs a woman without killing her. JONES--That's nothing. I've often seen a lobster do that.
"Have you received last month's gas bill, dear?" "Yes, husband." "Well, what's the charge of the light brigade?"
"Paw, can an honest man play poker?" "Yes, Tommy; but he can't win anything."
TEACHER--When does suicide become a crime? SMART BOY--When it becomes a confirmed habit. "Nonsense, sir. Why is suicide a crime?" "Because it injures the health."
Casey bet on a horse which finished last. He went down to the paddock, called out the jockey who had ridden him and said: "In hivin's name, young man, phwat delayed you?"
"Is your friend the dentist a society chap?" "Well, in one way. He attends lots of swell gatherings."
THE ONLY REMEDY--"Mamma, I dess you'll have to turn the hose on me." "Why, dear?" "'Tause I'se dot my 'tocking on wrong side out."
With cards and dice, and dress and friends, My savings are complete; I light the candle at both ends, And thus make both ends meet.
FANNIE--Why do people always apply the name of "she" to a city? GEORGE--I don't know. Why is it? FANNIE--Because every city has outskirts.
"Say, pop, do people take snuff nowadays?" "Sometimes, my son." "Oh, then its all right?" "What is all right?" "Why, I heard mamma telling Aunt Amy that you wasn't up to snuff."
A squall on the sea is a stress of weather, and a squaller on land is a songstress.
Firemen, as well as other people, like to talk of their flames.
GUEST--"Look here, waiter, do you call this a spring chicken? By the lord Harry, it is as tough as a mother-in-law's tongue." WAITER--"Yes, sir, I suppose it was hatched from a har...
"You are making yourself rather officious in this crowd," said a burly policeman to a notorious pickpocket. "I am only trying to dis-purse them," said the thief.
"You have a bad cold," he said. "I have," she replied huskily. "I am so hoarse that if you attempted to kiss me I couldn't even scream."
"Dear," said the physician's wife, "when can you let me have ten dollars?" "Well," replied the medical man. "I hope to cash a draft shortly." "Cash a draft? What draft?" "The one I...
"Did you know that Xanthippe, wife of one of the greatest of ancient philosophers, was a great scold?" "Certainly; but just think what a great tease her husband was." "A great teas...
There are many sweet, entrancing moments in this life, but when a man steps on your pet corn you do not experience one of them.