"Is he respectable?"' "Eminently so. He's never been indicted for anything less than stealing a railroad."--_Wasp_.
"What is alimony, ma?" "It is a man's cash surrender value."--_Town Topics_ The proof of the wedding is in the alimony.
A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked around and discovered that his clerk was absent. "Here, officer," he said, "what's this man charged with?" "Bigotry, yo...
A tourist in the mountains of Tennessee once had dinner with a querulous old mountaineer who yarned about hard times for fifteen minutes at a stretch. "Why, man," said the tourist,...
Mrs. Hooligan was suffering from the common complaint of having more to do than there was time to do it in. She looked up at the clock and then slapped the iron she had lifted from...
"Miss Jane, did Moses have the same after-dinner complaint my papa's got?" asked Percy of his governess. "Gracious me, Percy! Whatever do you mean, my dear?" "Well, it says here th...
THE "ANGEL" (about to give a beggar a dime)--"Poor man! And are you married?" BEGGAR--"Pardon me, madam! D'ye think I'd be relyin' on total strangers for support if I had a wife?"...
An after-dinner speaker was called on to speak on "The Antiquity of the Microbe." He arose and said, "Adam had 'em," and then sat down. A negro servant, on being ordered to announc...
"Speakin' of de law of compensation," said Uncle Eben, "an automobile goes faster dan a mule, but at de same time it hits harder and balks longer."
"Mother, may I go aeroplane?" "Yes, my darling Mary. Tie yourself to an anchor chain And don't go near the airy." --_Judge_. Harry N. Atwood, the noted aviator, was the guest of ho...
Kindness goes a long ways lots o' times when it ought t' stay at home.--_Abe Martin_. An old couple came in from the country, with a big basket of lunch, to see the circus. The lun...
When our thirsty souls we steep, Every sorrow's lull'd to sleep. Talk of monarchs! we are then Richest, happiest, first of men. When I drink, my heart refines And rises as the cup...
A man left his umbrella in the stand in a hotel recently, with a card bearing the following inscription attached to it: "This umbrella belongs to a man who can deal a blow of 250 p...
"Tobaccy wanst saved my life," said Paddy Blake, an inveterate smoker. "How was that?" inquired his companion. "Ye see, I was diggin' a well, and came up for a good smoke, and whil...
"Suppose," asked the professor in chemistry, "that you were summoned to the side of a patient who had accidentally swallowed a heavy dose of oxalic acid, what would you administer?...
Charlie and Nancy had quarreled. After their supper Mother tried to re-establish friendly relations. She told them of the Bible verse, "Let not the sun go down upon your wrath." "N...
"How fat and well your little boy looks." "Ah, you should never judge from appearances. He's got a gumboil on one side of his face and he has been stung by a wasp on the other."
A party of Manila army women were returning in an auto from a suburban excursion when the driver unfortunately collided with another vehicle. While a policeman was taking down the...
_See_ College Students.
Little six-year-old Harry was asked by his Sunday-school teacher: "And, Harry, what are you going to give your darling little brother for Christmas this year?" "I dunno," said Harr...
Murphy was a new recruit in the cavalry. He could not ride at all, and by ill luck was given one of the most vicious horses in the troop. "Remember," said the sergeant, "no one is...
MCGORRY--"I'll buy yez no new hat, d' yez moind thot? Ye are vain enough ahlriddy." MRS. MCGORRY--"Me vain? Oi'm not! Shure, Oi don't t'ink mesilf half as good lookin' as Oi am." "...
Recently a friend who had heard that I sometimes suffer from insomnia told me of a sure cure. "Eat a pint of peanuts and drink two or three glasses of milk before going to bed," sa...
Among the new class which came to the second-grade teacher, a young timid girl, was one Tommy, who for naughty deeds had been many times spanked by his first-grade teacher. "Send h...
The Lord gives our relatives, Thank God we can choose our friends. "Father." "Well, what is it?" "It says here, 'A man is known by the company he keeps.' Is that so, Father?" "Yes,...
"John, whatever induced you to buy a house in this forsaken region?" "One of the best men in the business."--_Life_.
In answer to the question, "What are the five great races of mankind?" a Chinese student replied, "The 100 yards, the hurdles, the quartermile, the mile, and the three miles." "Now...
Some people are so fond of ill-luck that they run half-way to meet it.--_Douglas Jerrold_. O, once in each man's life, at least, Good luck knocks at his door; And wit to seize the...
A poor couple who went to the priest to be wedded were met with a demand for the marriage fee. It was not forth-coming. Both the consenting parties were rich in love and in their p...
A certain island in the West Indies is liable to the periodical advent of earthquakes. One year before the season of these terrestrial disturbances, Mr. X., who lived in the danger...