Little Nelly told little Anita what she termed a "little fib." ANITA--"A fib is the same as a story, and a story is the same as a lie." NELLY--"No, it is not." ANITA--"Yes, it is,...
Snobbery is the pride of those who are not sure of their position.
"What of his sense of humor?" "Well, he has to see a joke twice before he sees it once." --_Richard Kirk_. "A sense of humor is a help and a blessing through life," says Rear Admir...
A Protestant mission meeting had been held in an Irish town and this was the gardener's contribution to the controversy that ensued: "Pratestants!" he said with lofty scorn, "'Twas...
There was a young lady whose dream Was to feed a black cat on whipt cream, But the cat with a bound Spilt the milk on the ground, So she fed a whipt cat on black cream. There once...
A Philadelphian, on his way to Europe, was experiencing seasickness for the first time. Calling his wife to his bedside, he said in a weak voice: "Jennie, my will is in the Commerc...
Hypocrisy is all right if we can pass it off as politeness. TEACHER-"Now, Tommy, what is a hypocrite?" TOMMY-"A boy that comes to school with a smile on his face."--_Graham Charter...
There once was an old man of Lyme. Who married three wives at a time: When asked, "Why a third?" He replied, "One's absurd! And bigamy, sir, is a crime."
The following is a recipe for an author: Take the usual number of fingers, Add paper, manila or white, A typewriter, plenty of postage And something or other to write. --_Life_. Os...
Hopkinson Smith tells a characteristic story of a southern friend of his, an actor, who, by the way, was in the dramatization of _Colonel Carter_. On one occasion the actor was app...
Thomas B. Reed was one of the Legislative Committee sent to inspect an insane asylum. There was a dance on the night the committee spent in the investigation, and Mr. Reed took for...
The late "lan Maclaren" (Dr. John Watson) once told this story on himself to some friends: "I was coming over on the steamer to America, when one day I went into the library to do...
There once were some learned M.D.'s, Who captured some germs of disease, And infected a train Which, without causing pain, Allowed one to catch it with ease. Two doctors met in the...
MANAGER (five-and-ten-cent store)--"What did the lady who just went out want?" SHOPGIRL--"She inquired if we had a shoe department." "Hades," said the lady who loves to shop, "woul...
Poverty is no disgrace, but that's about all that can be said in its favor. A traveler passing through the Broad Top Mountain district in northern Bedford County, Pennsylvania, las...
A tutor who tooted a flute Tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, "Is it harder to toot, or To tutor two tutors to toot?" --_Carolyn Wells_.
Here's to the men! God bless them! Worst of me sins, I confess them! In loving them all; be they great or small, So here's to the boys! God bless them! May all single men be marrie...
"Is there anyone present who wishes the prayers of the congregation for a relative or friend?" asks the minister. "I do," says the angular lady arising from the rear pew. "I want t...
"Father," said a little boy, "had Solomon seven hundred wives?" "I believe so, my son," said the father. "Well, father, was he the man who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death?'...
"Pa," said little Joe, "I bet I can do something you can't." "Well, what is it?" demanded his pa. "Grow," replied the youngster triumphantly.--_H.E. Zimmerman_.
A man to whom illness was chronic, When told that he needed a tonic, Said, "O Doctor dear, Won't you please make it beer?" "No, no," said the Doc., "that's Teutonic."
Woman--the only sex which attaches more importance to what's on its head than to what's in it. "How very few statues there are of real women." "Yes! it's hard to get them to look r...
"What kind of a looking man is that chap Gabbleton you just mentioned? I don't believe I have met him." "Well, if you see two men off in a corner anywhere and one of them looks bor...
Recipe for a milliner: To a presence that's much more than queenly, Add a manner that's quite Vere de Vere; You feel like a worm in her sight when she says, "Only $300, my dear!" -...
Two Scotchmen met and exchanged the small talk appropriate to the hour. As they were parting to go supperward Sandy said to Jock: "Jock, mon, I'll go ye a roond on the links in the...
Israel Zangwill, the well-known writer, signs himself I. Zangwill. He was once approached at a reception by a fussy old lady, who demanded, "Oh, Mr. Zangwill, what is your Christia...
"I ain't losing any faith in human nature," said Uncle Eben, "but I kain't he'p noticin' dat dere's allus a heap mo' ahticles advertised 'Lost' dan dar is 'Found.'" "What were you...
All work and no play Makes Jack surreptitiously gay. "Wot cheer, Alf? Yer lookin' sick; wot is it?" "Work! nuffink but work, work, work, from mornin' till night!" '"Ow long 'ave ye...
Love is an insane desire on the part of a chump to pay a woman's board-bill for life. MR. SLIMPURSE--"But why do you insist that our daughter should marry a man whom she does not l...
"Why did papa have appendicitis and have to pay the doctor a thousand dollars, Mama?" "It was God's will, dear." "And was it because God was mad at papa or pleased with the doctor?...