With a sigh she laid down the magazine article upon Daniel O'Connell. "The day of great men," she said, "is gone forever." "But the day of beautiful women is not," he responded. Sh...
_See_ Dining.
GEORGIA LAWYER (to colored prisoner)--"Well, Ras, so you want me to defend you. Have you any money?" RASTUS--"No; but I'se got a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or two." LAWYER...
Tommy, fourteen years old, arrived home for the holidays, and at his father's request produced his account book, duly kept at school. Among the items "S. P. G." figured largely and...
Repartee is saying on the instant what you didn't say until the next morning. Among the members of a working gang on a certain railroad was an Irishman who claimed to be very good...
A Boston deacon who was a zealous advocate for the cause of temperance employed a carpenter to make some alterations in his home. In repairing a corner near the fireplace, it was f...
A delegation from Kansas visited Theodore Roosevelt at Oyster Bay some years ago, while he was president. The host met them with coat and collar off, mopping his brow. "Ah, gentlem...
A woman left her baby in its carriage at the door of a department-store. A policeman found it there, apparently abandoned, and wheeled it to the station. As he passed down the stre...
WOMAN VOTER--"Now, I may as well be frank with you. I absolutely refuse to vote the same ticket as that horrid Jones woman." Kate Douglas Wiggin was asked recently how she stood on...
The services in the chapel of a certain western university are from time to time conducted by eminent clergymen of many denominations and from many cities. On one occasion, when on...
"You'll be late for supper, sonny," said the merchant, in passing a small boy who was carrying a package. "No, I won't," was the reply. "I've dot de meat."--_Mabel Long_. "How does...
WILLIS--"I wonder if there will ever be universal peace." GILLIS--"Sure. All they've got to do is to get the nations to agree that in case of war the winner pays the pensions."--_P...
It was said of a certain village "innocent" or fool in Scotland that if he were offered a silver sixpence or copper penny he would invariably choose the larger coin of smaller valu...
"Charity," said Rev. B., "is a sentiment common to human nature. A never sees B in distress without wishing C to relieve him." Dr. C.H. Parkhurst, the eloquent New York clergyman,...
An English lord was traveling through this country with a small party of friends. At a farmhouse the owner invited the party in to supper. The good housewife, while preparing the t...
"Alert?" repeated a congressman, when questioned concerning one of his political opponents. "Why, he's alert as a Providence bridegroom I heard of the other day. You know how bride...
A pessimist is a man who lives with an optimist.--_Francis Wilson_. How happy are the Pessimists! A bliss without alloy Is theirs when they have proved to us There's no such thing...
A colored girl asked the drug clerk for "ten cents' wuth o' cou't-plaster." "What color," he asked. "Flesh cullah, suh." Whereupon the clerk proffered a box of black court plaster....
Two weary parents once advertised: "WANTED, AT ONCE--Two fluent and well-learned persons, male or female, to answer the questions of a little girl of three and a boy of four; each...
The moral of this story may be that it is better to heed the warnings of the "still small voice" before it is driven to the use of the telephone. A New York lawyer, gazing idly out...
MRS. JONES--"Does your husband remember your wedding anniversary?" MRS. SMITH--"No; so I remind him of it in January and June, and get two presents."
"Talking about dry towns, have you ever been in Leavenworth, Kansas?" asked the commercial traveler in the smoking-car. "No? Well, that's a dry town for you, all right." "They can'...
Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her house the night before. "Yes," she said, "I heard a noise and got up, and there, from under the bed, I saw a man's...
A lady in a southern town was approached by her colored maid. "Well, Jenny?" she asked, seeing that something was in the air. "Please, Mis' Mary, might I have the aft'noon off thre...
_See_ Corpulence.
The caller's eye had caught the photograph of Tommie Billups, standing on the desk of Mr. Billups. "That your boy, Billups?" he asked. "Yes," said Billups, "he's a sophomore up at...
"Tom," said an Indiana youngster who was digging in the yard, "don't you make that hole any deeper, or you'll come to gas." "Well, what if I do? It won't hurt." "Yes, 't will too....
A young lady entered a crowded car with a pair of skates slung over her arm. An elderly gentleman arose to give her his seat. "Thank you very much, sir," she said, "but I've been s...
Here's to a kiss: Give me a kiss, and to that kiss add a score, Then to that twenty add a hundred more; A thousand to that hundred, and so kiss on, To make that thousand quite a mi...
MIKE (in bed, to alarm-clock as it goes off)--"I fooled yez that time. I was not aslape at all."