_Mrs. Bizzy:_ "I am so sorry to hear that your wife has been throwing the crockery at you again, Casey. Where did she hit you?" _Casey:_ "Faith, Ma'am! That's what Oi do be afther...
_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "What does that inscription mean on that ring you gave me, Archie?" _Mr. Newlywed:_ "'Faithful to the last,' my dear!" _Mrs. Newlywed:_ "Oh! how could you? You alw...
_The Summer Girl:_ "It pains me to be compelled to say so, but I really cannot become engaged to you." _The Summer Man:_ "Well--er--could you manage to be a sister to me for a coup...
_Mrs. Storme:_ "How is your Debating Society getting along?" _Mrs. Karn:_ "Very well. We have forty members, and we all agree beautifully." * * * "Why are they not speaking?" "They...
The woman at the insurance office inquired as to the costs, amounts paid, etc. "So," she concluded, "if I pay five dollars, you pay me a thousand if my house burns down. But do you...
A Kansas editor hit on the following gentle device for dunning delinquent subscribers to the paper: "There i$ a little matter that $ome of our $ub$criber$ have $eemingly forgotten...
The young man had offered his heart and hand to the fair damsel. "Before giving you my decision," she said sweetly, "I wish to ask you a question." Then, as he nodded assent: "Do y...
The clergyman in the following story probably did not mean exactly what he said, though, human nature being what it is, maybe it was true enough. A parishioner meeting the parson i...
The farmer, after seven years of effort on the stony farm, announced to all and sundry: "Anyhow, I'm holdin' my own. I hadn't nothin' when I come here, an' I haven't nothin' now."
The playwright rushed up to the critic at the club. "I've had a terrible misfortune," he announced. "My little three-year-old boy got at my new play, and tore it all to pieces." "E...
_The Husband:_ "Why is it that women always say, 'I'll be ready in two seconds'?" _The Wife:_ "Humph! and why is it that men always say, 'Oh! _I'm_ ready _now_'?" * * * _Madge:_ "H...
The passionate lover wrote to his inamorata as follows: "Adored of my soul:--If you love me, wear a red rose in your corsage to-night at the opera. If my devotion to you is hopeles...
A Scotchman was questioned by a friend: "Mac, I hear ye have fallen in love wi' bonny Kate McAllister." "Weel, Sanders," Mac replied, "I was near--veera near--doin' it, but the bit...
_Minister:_ Would you care to join us in the new missionary movement? _Miss Ala Mode:_ I'm crazy to try it. Is it anything like the fox trot? * * *
"I don't know whether I like these photos or not," said the young woman. "They seem rather indistinct." "But, you must remember, madam," said the wily photographer, "that your face...
The class had been told by the teacher to write compositions in which they must not attempt any flights of fancy, but should only state what was really in them. The star production...
The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before the gooseberry bush in the garden. She noted that his expression was both puzzled and distressed. "Why, what'...
_He:_ "Crowded, were you? I thought you went early to avoid the rush." _She:_ "So I did; but about five thousand other people did the same thing." * * *
The little girl who had observed certain details in the toilette preparations of her elders, was observed by her mother at work over her most elaborate doll in a somewhat strange m...
"Well, Alice," said a Southern woman to a coloured girl formerly in her employ, "I hear that you have married." "Yassum, Ah done got me a husband now." "Is he a good provider, Alic...
The colored man, passing through the market, saw a turtle for the first time, and surveyed it with great interest. The creature's head was withdrawn, but as the investigator fumble...
_Tommy:_ "What's an echo, pa?" _Pa:_ "An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of the last word." * * * "Why is it you never get to the office on time in the mor...
The two old Scotchmen played a round of seventeen holes without a word exchanged between them. As they came to the eighteenth green, Sandy surveyed the lie, and muttered: "Dormie."...
The mourning widow caused a tender sentiment to be chiseled on the headstone of her husband's grave. The exact wording was as follows: "Thou are at rest, until we meet again."
"No, suh," the ancient negro asserted, with a melancholy shaking of his bald head, "dar hain't no trustin' a 'possum. Once on a time, suh, I done watched de hole of a 'possum all n...
"What did you do last night?" "I went to a slight-of-hand performance. Called on Laura Sears, and offered her my hand, and she slighted it."
The little boy put a serious question to his mother: "Please, mama, tell me: If I'm a good boy, and I die, and go to heaven, will God give me a nice ickle devil to play with?" * *...
"I wish I could know how many men will be made wretched when I get married," said the languishing coquette to her most intimate confidante. "I'll tell you," came the catty answer,...
It was a late hour when the hostess at the reception requested the eminent basso to sing. "It is too late, madam," he protested. "I should disturb your neighbors." "Not at all," de...
Cooks' tourists travel exactly according to schedule. The following conversation was overheard in Rome between a mother and daughter: "Is this Rome, ma?" "What day of the week is i...