The old colored mammy took advantage of a wedding announcement to question her mistress, who remained a spinster still though approaching middle age. "When is you gwine to git marr...
There has been much controversy for years as to the proper definition of the much abused word "gentleman." Finally, by a printer's error in prefixing _un_ to an adverb, an old and...
The mother, who was a believer in strict discipline, sternly addressed her little daughter, who sat wofully shrinking in the dentist's chair as the ogre approached forceps in hand:...
_The Wife:_ "Really, my dear, you are awfully extravagant. Our neighbor, Mr. Flint, is just twice as self-denying as you are." _The Husband:_ "But he has just twice as much money t...
Just before the service the clergyman was called into the vestibule by a young couple, who asked that he should marry them. He answered he had not time then, but that if they would...
When the colored couple were being married by the clergyman, and the words, "love, honor and obey" were spoken, the bridegroom interrupted: "Read that again, suh! read it once moh,...
The old colored attendant at the court house had a formula for addressing the judge: "What's the news this mawnin', Jedge?" And the judge's habitual reply was to the effect that th...
_First Lady_ (_effusively_): "I am _more_ than _charmed_ to see you, my _dear_ Mrs.--er--um--." _Second Lady_ (_more effusively_): "How _lovely_ of you! So am I _delighted_. I _do_...
It is human nature to take an interest in the affairs of others. The fact has been amply demonstrated by innumerable postmasters and postmistresses who have profited from their con...
"Papa," said Little Horatio, "can you explain philosophy to me?" "Of course I can," answered his proud parent. "Natural philosophy, my son, is the science of cause and reason. Now,...
The visitor from the city stopped in at the general store of the village, and inquired: "Have you anything in the shape of automobile tires?" "Yep," the store-keeper answered brisk...
Two men were talking together in the Public Library. One of them said: "The dime novel has gone. I wonder where it's gone to?" The other, who knew something of literature in its va...
A small boy was playing with an iron hoop in the street, when suddenly it bounced through the railings and broke the kitchen window of one of the areas. The lady of the house waite...
"Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph to show to his parents." "I thought he had dozens of your photos." "Yes, but he wants a photo of your certified check." * * *
_O'Grady:_ "And why do you want to sell your nightshirt?" _Pat:_ "Shure, and what good is it to me now whin oive me new job av night watchman an' slape in the day toimes?" * * *
At a reception given by the Daughters of the Revolution in New York City appeared a woman from one of the Latin-American States. She wore a large number of decorations and insignia...
Noah Webster, the maker of the dictionary, carried his exact knowledge as to the meaning of words into ordinary speech. A story told of him--which is, of course, untrue--illustrate...
The eminent politicians of opposing parties met on a train, and during their chat discovered that they agreed concerning primaries. "It is the first time," said one, "that we have...
_Genial Uncle:_ "Well, old chap, we've not done anything together for a long time. How about the Zoo next Sunday, eh?" _Small Boy:_ "Thanks very much. I can't say off-hand, but I'l...
A tourist at an hotel in Ireland asked the girl who waited at the table if he could have some poached eggs. "We haven't any eggs, sorr," she replied; then, after a moment's reflect...
"Oh, have you heard? Mrs. Blaunt died to-day while trying on a new dress." "How sad! What was it trimmed with?" * * * The son of the house had been reading of an escaped lunatic. "...
"His versatility is something extraordinary." "I had an idea he was rather stupid." "That's just it. I never met a man who could make more different kinds of a fool of himself." *...
A babu, or native clerk, in India, who prided himself on his mastery of the English tongue and skill in its idioms, sent the following telegram in announcement of his mother's deat...
Mrs. Rafferty stopped to address Mrs. Flannagan, who was standing at ease in the door of the tenement. She spoke with an air of fine pride: "I'm afther havin' a letter from me boy....
"Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?" asked one man of his friend. "Sure," was the answer. "Did you think it would go through?" * * *
The Italian workman in the West was warned to look out for rattlesnakes. He was assured, however, that a snake would never strike until after sounding the rattles. One day, while s...
Sandy had gone to the station to see his cousin off. "Mac," he said, "ye micht like to leave me a bob or twa tae drink ye a safe journey." "Mon, I canna," was the reply. "A' my spa...
The cross-eyed man at the ball bowed with courtly grace, and said: "May I have the pleasure of this dance?" Two wallflowers answered as with one voice: "With pleasure."
"The way those people flaunt their money fairly makes me ill." "Sour grapes always _did_ have that effect." * * *
_Miss Bizzy:_ "I am glad to hear that you are married, O'Brien, and hope that you and Bridget don't have many differences of opinion." _O'Brien:_ "Faith, ma'am, we have a good many...