_Old Gentleman:_ "Well, children! and what are you learning at school?" _Small Boy:_ "Oh, she's learning to make paper dolls and I'm learning to knock spots out of Willie Jones." *...
A tramp entered a baker's, shivering piteously. "A loaf, please, mum," he said, placing the money on the counter. The woman gave him one. As he took it, he said with shaking voice:...
_The Tabby-Cat:_ "I am just heart-broken! I had six of the loveliest kittens, and they went and gave one away!" _The Parrot:_ "Wasn't it too bad of them--to go and break the set?"...
Josh Billings said: "Laff every time yu pheel tickled--and laff once in a while enny how." LAW The lawyer explained to the client his scale of prices: "I charge five dollars for ad...
A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morning, and observed: "Well, Sandy, you're getting very bent. Why don't you stand up straight, like me?" "Eh, mon," replied Sandy, "d'ye...
_Elder sister:_ "Oh, you fancy yourself very wise, I dare say; but I could give you a wrinkle or two." _Younger sister:_ "No doubt--and never miss them." * * *
"You are a little goose!" remarked a young M.D. playfully to the girl he was engaged to marry. "Of course I am," was the laughing response; "haven't I got a quack?" * * * A Norther...
_She:_ "Oh! Jack! Are you perfectly certain that you love me?" _He:_ "My darling! You don't suppose that I have lived for thirty years without knowing love when I feel it." * * *
_Actor:_ "Are these poor relations of yours blood relations?" _Fulpurse:_ "Yes; they are ever bleeding me." * * * There had been a collision near Euston Station between a timber-ca...
"The chief objection we have to the man who 'knows it all,'" remarked the Observer of Events and Things, "is that he insists that everyone he knows shall know it all, too." * * *
A certain man notorious for his slowness paid attention for two years to a young lady, without coming to the point. The girl's father thought it time for him to interfere. On the s...
There was a chicken-stealing case before the court. The colored culprit pleaded guilty and was duly sentenced. But the circumstances of the case had provoked the curiosity of the j...
Someone asked a darky from Richmond who was visiting in the North as to the population of the city. "Ah don't edzakly know, suh," was the reply, "but I opine 'bout a hundred an' tw...
_Screen Actress:_ I have a certificate from my doctor saying that I cannot act to-day. _Manager:_ Why did you go to all that trouble? I could have given you a certificate saying th...
The widow was deep in suds over the family wash, when she saw her pastor coming up the path to the door. She gave directions to her young son to answer the bell, and to tell the cl...
The parson's daughter spoke pleasantly, but with a hint of rebuke, to one of her father's humble parishioners: "Good morning, Giles. I haven't noticed you in church for the last fe...
_The Client:_ "I bought and paid for two dozen glass decanters that were advertised at $16 a dozen, f. o. b., and when they were delivered they were empty." _The Lawyer:_ "Well, wh...
"What is your name?" demanded the judge of the prisoner in the Municipal Court. "Locke Smith," was the answer, and the man made a bolt for the door. He was seized by an officer and...
Abe Jones was a colored man who made a living by chicken-stealing. He was converted at a camp meeting. When the elder was receiving testimonies from the mourners' bench, he at last...
Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He firmly believed in that quaint and worn-out saying, "Early to bed, early to rise." He couldn't get along at all with the modern type of...
_Prospective Bride:_ "I am glad I decided to be married in a traveling dress--a wedding dress costs such a lot." _Dressmaker:_ "Yes, miss, and the next time you wanted to wear it,...
Gilbert wrote a couplet concerning-- "An attachment _à la_ Plato For a bashful young potato." Such suggestion is all very well in a humorous ballad, but we do not look for anything...
In the business college, the instructor addressed the new class concerning the merits of shorthand. In his remarks, he included this statement: "It is a matter of record that it to...
Burdette quotes as follows a year's statistics of parochial work, as compiled by a young curate: "Preached 104 sermons, 18 mortuary discourses, solemnized 21 hymeneal ceremonies, d...
Blinks, after inviting his friend, Jinks, who has just returned from abroad, to dinner, is telling him what a fine memory his little son Bobby has. "And do you suppose he will reme...
The school teacher, after writing to the mother of a refractory pupil, received this note in reply: "Dear miss, you writ me about whippin my boy i hereby give you permission to lic...
It was company field training. The captain saw a young soldier trying to cook his breakfast with a badly-made fire. Going to him, he showed him how to make a quick-cooking fire, sa...
_Flora:_ "I'm writing to tell Jack that I didn't mean what I said in my last letter." _Dora:_ "What did you say in your last letter?" _Flora:_ "That I didn't mean what I said in th...
_Lawyer:_ "When I was a boy my highest ambition was to be a pirate." _Client:_ "You're in luck. It isn't every man who can realise the dreams of his youth." * * *
The disreputable-looking panhandler picked out an elderly gentleman of most benevolent aspect and made a plea for a small financial contribution. When he had finished his narrative...