_Miss Hen:_ "I demand an explanation! You told me that your name was plain 'Mr. Rooster,' and that poet just now addressed you as 'Chanticleer'!" * * * _Lady_ (_to prospective dail...
The professor and his wife were doubtful about returning to the farm on which they had passed the previous summer, because they had been somewhat annoyed by the proximity of the pi...
The son of the house addressed his mother wistfully. "I'm going to have a little sister some day, ain't I?" "Why, dear, do you want one?" The child nodded seriously. "Yes, mama, I...
The energetic New England woman addressed her hired girl in a discouraged tone: "Here it is Monday morning and to-morrow will be Tuesday, and the next day Wednesday--the whole week...
"The man that argues with a woman is a fool," said Mr. Gadspur. "I agree with you," said Mr. Twobble. "And if he expects to have the last word he's an even bigger fool." "Quite so,...
The plumber at many dollars a day could afford a little persiflage with the cook in the kitchen where he was theoretically repairing the sink. The cook was plain-featured, but any...
"Did your late employer give you a testimonial, Jack?" "Yes, Tom. But the way employers look at it when I apply for a job make one think there's something wrong with it." "What doe...
"My pa, he's a financier," boasted one small boy to another. "'Tain't much to brag of," the other sneered. "My pa an' uncle Jack are in jail, too."
A little girl four years old was alone in the nursery with the door closed and fastened when her little brother arrived and expressed a desire to come in. The following was the dia...
The gentleman at the party, who was old enough to know better, turned to another guest, who had just paused beside him: "Women are fickle. See that pretty woman by the window? She...
A wise old Quaker woman once said that men were guilty of three most astonishing follies. The first was the climbing of trees to shake down the fruit, when if they would but wait,...
Ikey saw his friend Jakey in the smoking-car when he entered, and sat down in the same seat. "How was that fire in your place last week, Jakey?" he inquired. Jakey started nervousl...
A very tidy young man was distressed by his wife's carelessness in attire at home. He was especially annoyed by a torn skirt, which his wife was forever pinning and never mending....
The airman, after many hours of thick weather, had lost his bearings completely. Then it cleared and he was able to make a landing. Naturally, he was anxious to know in what part o...
It was the usual domestic storm. "Oh, dear! oh, dear!" moaned wifey in tears. "I wish I'd taken poor mother's advice, and never married you!" Hubby, the strong, silent man, swung r...
The tourist from the East had stopped to change tires in a desolate region of the far South. "I suppose," he remarked to a native onlooker, "that even in these isolated parts the b...
The sweet little girl had a violent tussle with her particular chum. Her mother reprimanded her, and concluded by saying: "It was Satan who suggested to you the pulling of Jenny's...
_First Burglar:_ "Say, Bill, de doctor what fixed de leg I broke doin' dat second-story job didn't do a t'ing but soak me fifty plunks!" _Second Burglar:_ "Oh, say, wasn't that rob...
_Mrs. Profiteer:_ "Is this a pedigree dog?" _Dealer:_ "Pedigree? I should just think 'e is, Mum. Why, if the animal could only talk 'e wouldn't speak to either of us." * * * _Small...
A certain country vicar who used to distribute books to his parishioners as reading material, one day, deciding to surprise them, gave them each a Bible neatly wrapped up in brown...
"That gentleman who is being introduced to Miss Binks is a free thinker." "Which is he, a bachelor or a widower?" * * * _John:_ "Yew wait here, Mirandy, while I buy your ticket." _...
Many a man who has suffered from tongue-lashings at home will be moved to profound sympathy for the victim described as follows in a local news item of a country paper: "Alice Jard...
"You tell me," said the judge, "that this is the person who knocked you down with his motor-car. Could you swear to the man?" "I did," returned the complainant, eagerly, "but he on...
An amateur sportsman spent the day with dog and gun, but brought home no game. A friend twitted him with his failure: "Didn't you shoot anything at all?" The honest fellow nodded m...
_She:_ "When one is really thirsty, there is nothing so good as pure, cold water." _He:_ "I guess I have never been really thirsty." * * *
A Protestant Episcopal clergyman was walking down a city street wearing the garb of his profession. He was seen by two Irish boys. "Good morning, Father," said one of the boys. "Hu...
The kind lady stopped to tell the sobbing little girl not to cry, and she offered as a convincing argument: "You know it makes little girls homely." The child stared belligerently...
The woman, who had a turn-up nose and was somewhat self-conscious concerning it, bought a new pug dog, and petted it so fondly as to excite the jealousy of her little daughter. "Ho...
_Irate Golfer:_ "You must take your children away from here, madam; this is no place for them." _Mother:_ "Now don't you worry--they can't 'ear nothin' new--their father was a serg...
Tiny Clara heard her mother say that a neighboring lady had a new baby. The tot puzzled over the matter, and at last sought additional information: "Oh, mumsy, what is she going to...