Recipe for a waiter: Stuff a hired dress-suit case with an effort to please, Add a half-dozen stumbles and trips; Remove his right thumb from the cranberry sauce, Roll in crumbs, m...
"As you don't seem to know what you'd like for Christmas, Freddie," said his mother, "here's a printed list of presents for a good little boy." Freddie read over the list, and then...
An Irishman who, with his wife, is employed on a truck-farm in New Jersey, recently found himself in a bad predicament, when, in attempting to evade the onslaughts of a savage dog,...
_See_ Arithmetic.
One morning as Mark Twain returned from a neighborhood morning call, sans necktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation: "There, Sam, you have been over to the Stowes'...
Some time ago an English friend of Colonel W.J. Lampton's living in New York and having never visited the South, went to Virginia to spend a month with friends. After a fortnight o...
"Talk 'bout railroads bein' a blessin'," said Brother Dickey, "des look at de loads an' loads er watermelons deys haulin' out de state, ter dem folks 'way up North what never done...
Boss--"There's $10 gone from my cash drawer, Johnny; you and I were the only people who had keys to that drawer." Office Boy--"Well, s'pose we each pay $5 and say no more about it....
A soldier belonging to a brigade in command of a General who believed in a celibate army asked permission to marry, as he had two good-conduct badges and money in the savings-bank....
Secretary of State Lazansky refused to incorporate the Hell Cafe of New York. "New York's cafes are singular enough," said Mr. Lazansky, "without the addition of such a queerly nam...
The funeral procession was moving along the village street when Uncle Abe stepped out of a store. He hadn't heard the news. "Sho," said Uncle Abe, "who they buryin' today?" "Pore o...
A popular soprano is said to have a voice of fine timbre, a willowy figure, cherry lips, chestnut hair, and hazel eyes. She must have been raised in the lumber regions.--_Ella Hutc...
EASTERN LADY (traveling in Montana)--"The idea of calling this the 'Wild-West'! Why, I never saw such politeness anywhere." COWBOY--"We're allers perlite to ladies, ma'am." EASTERN...
A western bookseller wrote to a house in Chicago asking that a dozen copies of Canon Farrar's "Seekers after God" be shipped to him at once. Within two days he received this reply...
A love-smitten youth who was studying the approved method of proposal asked one of his bachelor friends if he thought that a young man should propose to a girl on his knees. "If he...
"Yes, I quarreled with my wife about nothing." "Why don't you make up?" "I'm going to. All I'm worried about now is the indemnity."
The morning after a banquet, during the Democratic convention in Baltimore, a prominent Republican thus greeted an equally well-known Democrat: "I understand there were some Republ...
A country school-teacher was cashing her monthly check at the bank. The teller apologized for the filthy condition of the bills, saying, "I hope you're not afraid of microbes." "No...
The Chinese Consul at San Francisco, at a recent dinner, discussed his country's customs. "There is one custom," said a young girl, "that I can't understand--and that is the Chines...
LOUISE--"The man that Edith married is a reformer." JULIA--"How did he lose his money?"--_Judge_. He was earnestly but prosily orating at the audience. "I want land reform," he wou...
"I always said old Cornelius Husk was slow," said one Quag man to another. "Why, what's he been doin' now?" the other asked. "Got himself run over by a hearse!" "So you heard the b...
"He seems to be very clever." "Yes, indeed, he can even do the problems that his children have to work out at school." SONNY--"Aw, pop, I don't wanter study arithmetic." POP--"What...
Stepping out between the acts at the first production of one of his plays, Bernard Shaw said to the audience: "What do you think of it?" This startled everybody for the time being,...
In a Kansas town where two brothers are engaged in the retail coal business a revival was recently held and the elder of the brothers was converted. For weeks he tried to persuade...
"Where are you goin', ma?" asked the youngest of five children. "I'm going to a surprise party, my dear," answered the mother. "Are we all goin', too?" "No, dear. You weren't invit...
"I don't believe any two words in the English language are synonymous." "Oh, I don't know. What's the matter with 'raise' and 'lift'?" "There's a big difference. I 'raise' chickens...
The supervisor of a school was trying to prove that children are lacking in observation. To the children he said, "Now, children, tell me a number to put on the board." Some child...
A Boston girl the other day said to a southern friend who was visiting her, as two men rose in a car to give them seats: "Oh, I wish they would not do it." "Why not? I think it is...
_See_ Wives.
The automobile was a thing unheard of to a mountaineer in one community, and he was very much astonished one day when he saw one go by without any visible means of locomotion. His...