_See_ Marriage.
A statesman is a deal politician.--_Mr. Dooley_. A statesman is a man who finds out which way the crowd is going, then jumps in front and yells like blazes.
WIFE--"Wretch! Show me that letter." HUSBAND--"What letter?" WIFE--"That one in your hand. It's from a woman, I can see by the writing, and you turned pale when you saw it." HUSBAN...
One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of the time. One little girl spoke up and...
Pat had but a limited knowledge of the bird kingdom. One day, walking down the street, he noticed a green bird in a cage, talking and singing. Thinking to pet it he stroked its hea...
Philosophy is finding out how many things there are in the world which you can't have if you want them, and don't want if you can have them.--_Puck_.
Mr. Harcourt, the Secretary of State for the Colonies, at the British North Borneo dinner, said that a City friend of his was approached with a view to floating a rubber company. H...
A Staten Island man, when the mosquitoes began to get busy in the borough across the bay, has been in the habit every summer of transplanting his family to the Delaware Water Gap f...
CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Do nuts grow on trees, father?" FATHER--"They do, my son." CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Then what tree does the doughnut grow on?" FATHER--"The pantry, my son."
"My dog understands every word I say." "Um." "Do you doubt it?" "No, I do not doubt the brute's intelligence. The scant attention he bestows upon your conversation would indicate t...
_See_ Irish bulls.
She had engaged a maid recently from the country, and was now employed in showing her newly acquired treasure over the house and enlightening her in regard to various duties, etc....
FATHER--"Well, sonny, did you take your dog to the 'vet' next door to your house, as I suggested?" BOY--"Yes, sir." FATHER-"And what did he say?" BOY--"'E said Towser was suffering...
_See_ Paintings.
Congress is a national inquisitorial body for the purpose of acquiring valuable information and then doing nothing about it.--_Life_. "Judging from the stuff printed in the newspap...
"Why do you beat your little son? It was the cat that upset the vase of flowers." "I can't beat the cat. I belong to the S.P.C.A."
A Peoria merchant deals in "Irish confetti." We take it that he runs a brick-yard.--_Chicago Tribune_. Here are some words, concerning the Hibernian spoken by a New England preache...
HOSPITAL PHYSICIAN--"Which ward do you wish to be taken to? A pay ward or a--" MALONEY--"Iny of thim, Doc, thot's safely Dimocratic."
THE PASSER-BY--"You took a great risk in rescuing that boy; you deserve a Carnegie medal. What prompted you to do it?" THE HERO--"He had my skates on!"--_Puck_. MR. HENPECK--"Are y...
_See_ Beauty, Personal.
"That new steamer they're building is a whopper," says the man with the shoe button nose. "Yes," agrees the man with the recalcitrant hair, "but my uncle is going to build one so l...
"Can't I take your order for one of our encyclopedias!" asked the dapper agent. "No I guess not," said the busy man. "I might be able to use it a few times, but my son will be home...
Two little boys, four and five years old respectively, were playing quietly, when the one of four years struck the other on his cheek. An interested bystander stepped up and asked...
"Why are you so vexed, Irma?" "I am so exasperated! I attended the meeting of the Social Equality League, and my parlor-maid presided, and she had the audacity to call me to order...
"Prisoner, why did you assault this landlord?" "Your Honor, because I have several children he refused to rent me a flat." "Well, that is his privilege." "But, your Honor, he calls...
_See_ Liars; Travelers.
A regiment of regulars was making a long, dusty march across the rolling prairie land of Montana last summer. It was a hot, blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest,...
Women's faults are many, Men have only two-- Everything they say, And everything they do. --_Le Crabbe_.
See Haste.
"Have you lost another tooth, Bethesda?" asked auntie, who noticed an unusual lisp. "Yes'm," replied the four-year-old, "and I limp now when I talk."