The auctioneer, offering the pasture lot for sale, waved his hand enthusiastically, pointed toward the rich expanse of herbage, and shouted: "Now, then, how much am I offered for t...
_He:_ "But if you will allow me to----" _She:_ "Oh! I know what you are going to say, but you're quite mistaken and I can prove it." * * *
The eminent English Statesman Arbuthnot-Joyce plays golf so badly that he prefers a solitary round with only the caddy present. He had a new boy one day recently, and played as wre...
At the time when petroleum began to be used instead of whale oil for burning in lamps, a kindly old lady was deeply perturbed by the change. "What," she wanted to know, "will the p...
_Eloping Bride:_ "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will say when he gets our letter." _Bridegroom:_ "It can't make any difference to our happiness, darling--so long as...
The Southerner in the North, while somewhat mellow, discoursed eloquently of conditions in his home state. He concluded in a burst of feeling: "In that smiling land, suh, no gentle...
The cottager was crippled by rheumatism, and the kindly clergyman taught him his letters, and put him through the primer and into the Bible. On his return after a vacation, the cle...
The pessimist quoted from his own experience at poker in illustration of the general cussedness of things: "Frequent, I have sot in a poker game, and it sure is queer how things wi...
A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster, met his pastor on Sunday afternoon. "Why weren't you at church this morning?" was the first question of the spiritual adviser. "I...
Some time before Mr. Taft became President of the United States, he took an extended trip in the mountains of West Virginia. On one occasion, he was conveyed along the mountain roa...
_He_ (_dejectedly_): "I'm sure I don't see why our parents won't give their consent. I consider their conduct is little short of cruel." _She:_ "Oh, Jack! How can you expect old fo...
It was a rule of the club that anyone asking a question which he himself could not answer must pay a fine. One of the members presented a question as to why a ground-squirrel in di...
"And you say you have the same nightmare every night," the doctor inquired. "What is it?" The suffering man answered: "I dream that I'm married." "Ah, hum!" the physician grunted p...
The son and heir had just been confirmed. At the dinner table, following the church service, the father called on his son to say grace. The boy was greatly embarrassed by the deman...
"Now, children," said the Sunday-school teacher, "I have told you the story of Jonah and the whale. Willie, you may tell me what this story teaches." "Yes'm," said Willie, the brig...
A Chinaman entered a jeweller's in Liverpool and asked to be shown some "welly good watches." The proprietor, a Jew, being absent, the prospective customer was attended to by his d...
Artemas Ward said: "When I am sad, I sing, and then others are sad with me." * * * The optimistic pessimist explained why he always dined in restaurants where music was provided. "...
She had only been married a month, when her friend called to see how she was getting on. "We're getting on fine!" exclaimed the young wife. "We have a joint account in the bank; it...
They had had their usual altercation over the breakfast table, and hubby exclaimed: "What would you do if I were one of those husbands who get up cross in the morning, bang the thi...
It was a case of attempted murder, in which the prisoner was accused of having fired twice at his intended victim. One of the witnesses for the prosecution was being severely cross...
A very black little girl made her way into the presence of the lady of the house, and with much embarrassment, but very clearly, explained who she was, and what her mission: "Pleas...
_Oldest Inhabitant:_ "I never expected to live till the end of the War, Ma'am; but now I'm hoping to be spared to see the beginning of the next one." * * * "That's Betty Grant's ne...
"I want to buy you something useful for your birthday. What can you suggest?" "Oh! I think a really useful diamond ring would do as well as anything." * * *
_Magistrate:_ "Can't this case be settled out of court?" _Mulligan:_ "Sure, sure; that's what we were trying to do, your honor, when the police interfered." * * * An old darky visi...
Many a mayor is a friend to the people--just like his honor in the following story. A taxpayer entered the office of the water registrar in a small city, and explained himself and...
_She:_ "Well! Let us change the subject. I've done nothing but talk about myself all evening." _He:_ "I'm sure we couldn't find anything better." _She:_ "Very well, then! Suppose _...
Some months after the elopement, an old friend met the bridegroom, and asked eagerly for details. "What about her father? Did he catch you?" "Just that!" quoth the bridegroom griml...
"Mamma!" "What is it, dear?" "It seems to me that a 'silly question' is something that you don't know the answer to." * * *
During the Saturday night revels in a frontier town, the scrawniest and skinniest beanpole-type citizen got shot in the leg. The only doctor in the town had done celebrating and go...
Micky Bryan and Patsy Kelly had been schoolmates together, but they had drifted apart in after life. They met one day, and the conversation turned on athletics. "Did ye ivir meet m...