"I hear that Mrs. Brewster hasn't paid her servants any wages for a number of months," remarked one lady to another in a suburban town. "Why does she keep such a number of them the...
_She:_ "I never saw a married couple who got on so well together as Mr. and Mrs. Rigby." _He:_ "Humph! I know! Each of them does exactly as _she_ likes." * * *
The joke maker's association had a feast. They exploited their humorous abilities, and all made merry, save one glum guest. At last, they insisted that this melancholy person shoul...
The kindly and inquisitive old gentleman was interested in the messenger boy who sat on the steps of a house, and toyed delicately with a sandwich taken from its wrapper. With the...
Little Willie questioned his grandmother with an appearance of great seriousness: "Ain't Rotterdam the name of a city, Gramma?" "Don't say 'ain't', Willie," the old lady corrected....
Back in those days when corporal punishment was permitted to teachers, a minor teacher named Miss Bings complained to one of her superiors, Miss Manners, that she had spanked one p...
The highly efficient housewife bragged that she always rose early, and had every bed in the house made before anybody else in the house was up.
The hired man on a New England farm went on his first trip to the city. He returned wearing a scarf pin set with at least four carats bulk of radiance. The jewelry dazzled the rura...
The sympathetic and inquisitive old lady at the seashore was delighted and thrilled by an old sailor's narrative of how he was washed overboard during a gale and was only rescued a...
_Prison Visitor:_ "Am I right in presuming that it was your passion for strong drink that brought you here?" _Prisoner:_ "I don't think you can know this place, guv'nor. It's the l...
An acquaintance encountered in the village inquired of Farmer Jones concerning his wife, who was seriously ill. That worthy scowled and spat, and finally answered in a tone of fret...
It is a matter of uncommon knowledge that personal perfection is a most trying thing to live with. In the United States recently, a woman sued for divorce, alleging in the complain...
Some wasps built their nests during the week in a Scotch clergyman's best breeches. On the Sabbath as he warmed up to his preaching, the wasps, too, warmed up, with the result that...
The little boy was greatly elated when informed by his mother that the liveliness of her hair as she combed it was caused by electricity. "Oh, my!" he exclaimed. "Ain't we a wonder...
The pessimist spoke mournfully to his friend: "It is only to me that such misfortunes happen." "What's the matter now?" The pessimist answered dolefully: "Don't you see that it is...
The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars was given by Mark Twain. His story was that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher telling of...
The World War has incited veterans of the Civil War to new reminiscences of old happenings. One of these is based on the fact that furloughs were especially difficult to obtain whe...
The school girl from Avenue A, who had just learned that the notorious Gorgon sisters had snakes for hair, chewed her gum thoughtfully as she commented: "Tough luck to have to get...
The raw Irishman was told by the farmer for whom he worked that the pumpkins in the corn patch were mule's eggs, which only needed someone to sit on them to hatch. Pat was ambitiou...
The older sister rebuked the younger when putting her to bed for being cross and ill tempered throughout the day. After she had been neatly tucked in, the little one commented: "It...
_She:_ "The Burrowes are having their wooden wedding next week. What can we give them?" "We might send them a receipt for some of the money he owes me." * * *
"Who was the originator of the idea that a husband and wife are one?" "I give it up; but it strikes me he might have saved a lot of argument if he had said _which_ one." * * * _He:...
The man of the house finally took all the disabled umbrellas to the repairer's. Next morning on his way to his office, when he got up to leave the street car, he absentmindedly lai...
Uncle Tom arrived at the station with the goat he was to ship north, but the freight agent was having difficulty in billing him. "What's this goat's destination, Uncle?" he asked....
The convicted feudist was working for a pardon. It was reported to him that the opposing clan was pulling wires against him, and spreading false reports concerning him. He thereupo...
The Dutchman still retained a strong accent, although he had been in the country forty years, and was a churchwarden. When the rector complained that a certain parishioner had call...
The little girl was deeply impressed by the clergyman's sermon as to the separation of the sheep and the goats. That night after she had gone to bed, she was heard sobbing, and the...
_Old Job:_ "The best way to get the most out of life is to fall in love with a great problem or a beautiful woman!" _Old Steve:_ "Why not choose the latter and get both?" * * * _He...
Pat was a simple country yokel who had never strayed from the outskirts of his native village, and because he stood in a railway station for the first time of his life, his amazeme...
An eminent statesman was being driven rapidly by his chauffeur, when the car struck and killed a dog that leaped in front of it. At the statesman's order, the chauffeur stopped the...