ELWES, the noted miser, used to say, If you keep one servant, your work is done; if you keep two, it is half done; and if you keep three, you may do it yourself.
PADDY being asked if he thought of doing something, which, for his own part, he deemed very unlikely, he said he should as soon think of attempting to light a cigar at a pump.
DR. JOWETT, who was a small man, was permitted by the head of his college to cultivate a strip of vacant ground. This gave rise to some jeux d'esprit among the wags of the Universi...
AN Irish judge had a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. At the close of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of the Court reminded him that he had no...
THIS morning, quite dead, Tom was found in his bed, Although he was hearty last night; 'Tis thought having seen Dr. Glynn in a dream, The poor fellow died of affright.
A PHILOSOPHER being asked of whom he had acquired so much knowledge, replied, Of the blind, who do not lift their feet until they have first sounded, with their stick, the ground o...
THUS, with kind words, Fairface cajoled his friend: Dear Dick! on me thou may'st assured depend; I know thy fortune is but very scant, But never will I see my friend in want. Dick...
DURING Pope's last illness, a squabble happened in his chamber, between his two physicians, Dr. Burton and Dr. Thomson, they mutually charging each other with hastening the death o...
A WRITER in one of the Reviews was boasting that he was in the habit of distributing literary reputation. Yes, replied his friend, and you have done it so profusely that you have l...
A SPENDTHRIFT said, Five years ago I was not worth a farthing in the world; now see where I am through my own exertions.--Well, where are you? inquired a neighbor. Why, I now owe m...
A MAN having broken open a young lady's jewel-case (the offence was differently described in the indictment), pleaded that he had done so with consent. In the future, said Mr. Just...
A COMEDIAN, who had been almost lifted from his feet by the pressure at the funeral of a celebrated tragedian, ultimately reached the church-door. Having recovered his breath, whic...
POOR Peter Staggs now rests beneath this rail, Who loved his joke, his pipe, and mug of ale; For twenty years he did the duties well, Of ostler, boots, and waiter at the Bell. But...
SIR WALTER SCOTT had marked in his diary a territorial greeting of two proprietors which had amused him much. The laird of Kilspindie had met the laird of Tannachy-Tulloch, and the...
REGENT AT NOT OBTAINING OFFICE. YE politicians, tell me, pray, Why thus with woe and care rent? This is the worst that you can say, Some wind has blown the wig away, And left the H...
WHEN the Marylebone vestrymen were discussing the propriety of laying down wood pavement within their parish, and were raising difficulties on the subject, Jerrold, as he read the...
A LADY, after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonato on the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the philosopher, took the liberty of asking him...
IN the famous trial of the Dean of Asaph, Mr. Erskine put a question to the jury, relative to the meaning of their verdict. Mr. Justice Buller objected to its propriety. The counse...
LORD NORTH, who had a great antipathy to music, being asked why he did not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it being urged as a reason for it that his brother the Bishop of W...
AN honorable member, speaking about the tax on tobacco, somewhat ludicrously called for certain returns.
TOM, said a colonel to one of his men, how can so good and brave a soldier as you get drunk so often?--Colonel, replied he, how can you expect all the virtues that adorn the human...
A MAN was boasting before a companion of his very strong sight. I can discern from here a mouse on the top of that very high tower.--I don't see it, answered, his comrade; but I he...
A LAWYER being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to fools and madmen: being asked the reason for so doing; From such, said he, I had it, and to such I give it again...
A RICH upstart once asked a poor person if he had any idea of the advantages arising from riches. I believe they give a rogue an advantage over an honest man, was the reply.
OF a celebrated actress, who, in her declining days, bought charms of carmine and pearl-powder, Jerrold said, Egad! she should have a hoop about her, with a notice upon it, 'Beware...
ROGERS used to say that a man who attempts to read all the new publications must often do as the flea does--skip.
SCHOOLMISTRESS (pointing to the first letter of the alphabet): Come, now, what is that? Scholar: I sha'n't tell you. Schoolmistress: You won't! But you must. Come, now, what is it?...
HONESTY is the best policy, said a Scotchman. I know it, my friend, for I have tried baith.
THOMAS HOOD says: Puny draughts can hardly be called drinking. Pints cannot be deemed potations.
THEODORE HOOK once observed a party of laborers sinking a well. What are you about? he inquired. Boring for water, sir, was the answer. Water's a bore at any time, responded Hook;...