A physician was driving through a village when he saw a man amusing a crowd with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor pulled up and said: "My dear man, how do you manage to trai...
While waiting for the speaker at a public meeting a pale little man in the audience seemed very nervous. He glanced over his shoulder from time to time and squirmed and shifted abo...
Justice David J. Brewer was asked not long ago by a man. "Will you please tell me, sir, what is the extreme penalty for bigamy?" Justice Brewer smiled and answered: "Two mothers-in...
Theodore Dreiser, the novelist, was talking about criticism. "I like pointed criticism," he said, "criticism such as I heard in the lobby of a theater the other night at the end of...
"Where can I get a drink in this town?" asked a traveling man who landed at a little town in the oil region of Oklahoma, of the 'bus driver. "See that millinery shop over there?" a...
A trust is known by the companies it keeps.--_Ellis O. Jones_. TOMPKINS--"Ventley has received a million dollars for his patent egg dating machine. You know it is absolutely interf...
A Nebraska man was carried forty miles by a cyclone and dropped in a widow's front yard. He married the widow and returned home worth about $30,000 more than when he started.
HER FATHER--"So my daughter has consented to become your wife. Have you fixed the day of the wedding?" SUITOR--"I will leave that to my fiancée." H.F.--"Will you have a church or a...
"Then you don't think I practice what I preach, eh?" queried the minister in talking with one of the deacons at a meeting. "No, sir, I don't," replied the deacon "You've been preac...
Pietro had drifted down to Florida and was working with a gang at railroad construction. He had been told to beware of rattlesnakes, but assured that they would always give the war...
William J. Stevens, for several years local station agent at Swansea, R. I., was peacefully promenading his platform one morning when a rash dog ventured to snap at one of William'...
LADY PRESIDENT--"What book has helped you most?" NEW MEMBER--"My husband's check-book."--_Martha Young_. "You may send me up the complete works of Shakespeare, Goethe and Emerson--...
The way of the transgressor is well written up.
As the celebrated soprano began to sing, little Johnnie became greatly exercised over the gesticulations of the orchestra conductor. "What's that man shaking his stick at her for?"...
In St. Louis there is one ward that is full of breweries and Germans. In a recent election a local option question was up. After the election some Germans were counting the votes....
When Bishop Phillips Brooks sailed from America on his last trip to Europe, a friend jokingly remarked that while abroad he might discover some new religion to bring home with him....
_See_ Breath.
Sir Walter Raleigh had called to take a cup of tea with Queen Elizabeth. "It was very good of you, Sir Walter," said her Majesty, smiling sweetly upon the gallant Knight, "to ruin...
Politics consists of two sides and a fence. If I were asked to define politics in relation to the British public, I should define it as a spasm of pain recurring once in every four...
A burglar was one night engaged in the pleasing occupation of stowing a good haul of swag in his bag when he was startled by a touch on the shoulder, and, turning his head, he behe...
I thank you for your welcome which was cordial, And your cordial which was welcome. Here's to the host and the hostess, We're honored to be here tonight; May they both live long an...
Can the Burbanks of the glorious West Either make or buy or sell An onion with an onion's taste But with a violet's smell? SHE--"They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor a...
It was during the Parnell agitation in Ireland that an anti-Parnellite, criticising the ways of tenants in treating absentee landlords, exclaimed to Archbishop Ryan of Philadelphia...
A man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the other day. "Do you cycle?" the insurance agent asked. "No," said the man. "Do you motor?" "No." "Do you, then, perhap...
_See_ Tips.
PASSER-BY--"What's the fuss in the schoolyard, boy?" THE BOY--"Why, the doctor has just been around examinin' us an' one of the deficient boys is knockin' th' everlastin' stuffin's...
"The trouble with father," said the gilded youth, "is that he has no idea of the value of money." "You don't mean to imply that he is a spendthrift?" "Not at all. But he puts his m...
TEACHER--"If a man saves $2 a week, how long will it take him to save a thousand?" BOY--"He never would, ma'am. After he got $900 he'd buy a car." "How fast is your car, Jimpson?"...
TOMMY--"Pop, what is a freethinker?" POP--"A freethinker, my son, is any man who isn't married."
We used to think that the smartest man ever born was the Connecticut Yankee who grafted white birch on red maples and grew barber poles. Now we rank that gentleman second. First pl...