Little grains of short weight, Little crooked twists, Fill the land with magnates And philanthropists. _See also_ Charity.
HUSBAND--"But you must admit that men have better judgment than women." WIFE--"Oh, yes--you married me, and I you."--_Life_.
My ethical state, Were I wealthy and great, Is a subject you wish I'd reply on. Now who can foresee What his morals _might_ be? What would yours be if you were a lion? --_Martial;...
Mrs. Philpots came panting downstairs on her way to the temperance society meeting. She was a short, plump woman. "Addie, run up to my room and get my blue ribbon rosette, the temp...
_See_ Singers.
_See_ Servants.
"George," said the Titian-haired school marm, "is there any connecting link between the animal kingdom and the vegetable kingdom?" "Yeth, ma'am," answered George promptly. "Hash."
The late Sylvanus Miller, civil engineer, who was engaged in railroad enterprise in Central America, was seeking local support for a road and attempted to give the matter point. He...
A New York firm recently hung the following sign at the entrance of a large building: "Wanted: Sixty girls to sew buttons on the sixth floor." Reporters are obliged to write their...
Among the presents lately showered upon a dusky bride in a rural section of Virginia, was one that was a gift of an old woman with whom both bride and groom were great favorites. S...
The college is a coy maid-- She has a habit quaint Of making eyes at millionaires And winking at the taint. --_Judge_. "What is a 'faculty'?" "A 'faculty' is a body of men surround...
After a month's work in intensely warm weather a gardener in the suburbs became ill, and the anxious little wife sent for a doctor, who wrote a prescription after examining the pat...
MISTRESS--"Did the mustard plaster do you any good, Bridget?" MAID--"Yes; but, begorry, mum, it do bite the tongue!" SUFFERER--"I have a terrible toothache and want something to cu...
The attorney demanded to know how many secret societies the witness belonged to, whereupon the witness objected and appealed to the court. "The court sees no harm in the question,"...
First Prize Bantam
A train traveling through the West was held up by masked bandits. Two friends, who were on their way to California, were among the passengers. "Here's where we lose all our money,"...
During the course of conversation between two ladies in a hotel parlor one said to the other: "Are you married?" "No, I am not," replied the other. "Are you?" "No," was the reply,...
"Ah," says the Christmas guest. "How I wish I could sit down to a Christmas dinner with one of those turkeys we raised on the farm, when I was a boy, as the central figure!" "Well,...
A young theologian named Fiddle Refused to accept his degree; "For," said he, "'tis enough to be Fiddle, Without being Fiddle D.D."
While reconnoitering in Westmoreland County, Virginia, one of General Washington's officers chanced upon a fine team of horses driven before a plow by a burly slave. Finer animals...
Among the stories told of the late Baron de Rothschild is one which details how a "change of heart" once came to his valet--an excellent fellow, albeit a violent "red." Alphonse wa...
In his daily half hour confidential talk with his boy an ambitious father tried to give some good advice. "Be observing, my son," said the father on one occasion. "Cultivate the ha...
One night at a theatre some scenery took fire, and a very perceptible odor of burning alarmed the spectators. A panic seemed to be imminent, when an actor appeared on the stage. "L...
Promotion cometh neither from the east nor the west, but from the cemetery.--_Edward Sanford Martin_.
A director of one of the great transcontinental railroads was showing his three-year-old daughter the pictures in a work on natural history. Pointing to a picture of a zebra, he as...
HERR HAMMERSCHLEGEL (winding up the argument)--"I think you iss a stupid fool!" MONSIEUR--"And I sink you a polite gentleman; but possible, is it, we both mistaken."--_Life_.
The aviator's wife was taking her first trip with her husband in his airship. "Wait a minute, George," she said. "I'm afraid we will have to go down again." "What's wrong?" asked h...
Now doth the frisky June Bug Bring forth his aeroplane, And try to make a record, And busticate his brain! He bings against the mirror, He bangs against the door, He caroms on the...
"John, John," whispered an alarmed wife, poking her sleeping husband in the ribs. "Wake up, John; there are burglars in the pantry and they're eating all my pies." "Well, what do w...
"Have you the rent ready?" "No, sir; mother's gone out washing and forgot to put it out for you." "Did she tell you she'd forgotten?" "Yes, sir." One of the passengers on a wreck w...