A political boss wished to show his appreciation of the services of a colored man who possessed considerable influence. He suggested to the darky for a Christmas present the choice...
"I'm not quite sure about your washing-machine. Will you demonstrate it again?" "No, madam. We only do one week's washing." * * *
After years of endeavor in poverty, the inventor made a success, and came running home with pockets bulging real money. He joyously strewed thousand-dollar bills in his wife's lap,...
"Rastus," said the judge sternly, "you're plain no-account and shiftless, and for this fight I'm going to send you away for a year at hard labour." "Please, Jedge," interrupted Mrs...
It was while on manoeuvres in rural England, and a soldier was being tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground. "Look here, my man," said the commanding officer to t...
The passing lady mistakenly supposed that the woman shouting from a window down the street was calling to the little girl minding baby brother close by on the curb. "Your mother is...
The bridegroom, who was in a horribly nervous condition, appealed to the clergyman in a loud whisper, at the close of the ceremony: "Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?" The clergy...
"She is one of the most remarkable women I ever met." "In what way?" "She can keep silence in four different languages." * * *
It was the bridegroom's third matrimonial undertaking, and the bride's second. When the clergyman on whom they had called for the ceremony entered the parlor, he found the couple c...
Tommy Atkins and a doughboy sat in a poker game together somewhere in France. The Britisher held a full house, the American four of a kind. "I raise you two pounds," quoth Tommy. T...
The Scotchman returned to his native town, Peebles, after a first visit to London. He told the neighbors enthusiastically of his many wonderful experiences in the metropolis. There...
When a certain officer of the governor's staff died, there were many applicants for the post, and some were indecently impatient. While the dead colonel was awaiting burial, one as...
The new play was a failure. After the first act, many left the theatre; at the end of the second, most of the others started out. A cynical critic as he rose from his aisle seat ra...
During a lecture, Artemas Ward once startled the crowd of listeners by announcing a fifteen-minute intermission. After contemplating the audience for a few minutes, he relieved the...
A well-known millionaire entertained Edward Everett Hale with other guests at a dinner. The host was not only hospitable, but wished every one to know his liberality. During the me...
During the parade at the last encampment of the G.A.R., a woman in the crowd of spectators made herself not only conspicuous, but rather a nuisance by the way she carried on. She w...
The somewhat unpleasant person, who was a social worker, completed her call on a dweller in the tenement district, and rose to depart. The unwilling hostess shook her head at the v...
_Real Estate Agent:_ "This tobacco plantation is a bargain. I don't see why you hesitate. What are you worrying about?" _Prospective, but Inexperienced, Purchaser:_ "I was just won...
"Well, what are you sneering about? You don't seem to have much faith in my good resolutions." "I was just wondering if you had taken the paving contract for the next world." * * *
A merchant in a Wisconsin town who had a Swedish clerk sent him out to do some collecting. When he returned from an unsuccessful trip he reported: "Yim Yonson say he vill pay ven h...
Angus, a mason, was slipping out of the yard to get a "refresher" during working hours, when he suddenly ran into the boss. "Hallo!" said the boss, pleasantly, "were you looking fo...
The police physician was called to examine an unconscious prisoner, who had been arrested and brought to the station-house for drunkenness. After a short examination, the physician...
A stranger rang the door-bell. Little eight-year-old Willie Jones opened the door. "Is Mr. Jones in?" the caller inquired. Little Willie answered with formal politeness: "I'm Mr. J...
In the party out after reed birds was a tyro at the sport. When at last he saw one of the birds walking about, he plumped down on his stomach, and took aim. A companion called to h...
_He:_ "I understand that she fairly threw herself at him." _She:_ "Yes! They met in an automobile collision." * * *
Isaac and Moses dined in a restaurant that was new to them, and were pained seriously by the amount of the check. Moses began to expostulate in a loud voice, but Isaac hushed him w...
The fair penitent explained to the confessor how greatly she was grieved by an accusing conscience. She bewailed the fact that she was sadly given over to personal vanity. She adde...
Two ladies in a car disputed concerning the window, and at last called the conductor as referee. "If this window is open," one declared, "I shall catch cold, and will probably die....
The rather ferocious-appearing husband who had taken his wife to the beach for a holiday scowled heavily at an amateur photographer, and rumbled in a threatening bass voice: "What...
A circus man was scouring the countryside in search of an elephant that had escaped from the menagerie and wandered off. He inquired of an Irishman working in a field to learn if t...