THE SPINSTER--How many lodges did you say your husband belonged to? THE WIFE--Fifteen. THE SPINSTER--My goodness! just think of a man being out fifteen nights a week! Well, I'm gla...
A lady was looking for her husband and inquired anxiously of a housemaid, "Do you happen to know anything of your master's whereabouts?" "I'm not sure, ma'am," replied the careful...
"Do you think the things one eats have a direct effect on one's disposition?" "Well, rather. We had Indian meal pudding so often at our house that everybody got savage."
"Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Hart the millionaire, did not have a pair of shoes to cover his feet." "And when was that, pray?" "At the time he was bathing."
BROWN--What kind of a cigar is that, old man? JONES--It's called "The Soldier Boy." BROWN--H'm, I notice it belongs to the ranks.
"Corbett and Fitzsimmons will never fight again." "Why?" "Because they can not get gloves to Fitzsimmons."
PETERS--"Are you not sick of hearing everybody sing that popular song?" WINKLE--"Not I." PETERS--"Heavens! How can you stand it?" WINKLE-"I wrote the song."
An Irishman was planting shade trees when a passing lady said: "You're digging out the holes, are you, Mr. Haggerty?" "No, mum. Oi'm diggin' out the dirt an' lavin' the holes."
SHE (approvingly)--You won her hand, then? HE (rather glumly)--Humph--I presume so. I'm under her thumb.
"I wonder why blondes are always anxious to be wedded?" "I guess it is because they're naturally light-headed."
An English motorist is quoted as saying that he classed pedestrians as the quick and the dead: those who got out of the way and those who didn't.
"I say, old chap, how short your overcoat is!" "Oh, that's all right! It'll be long enough before I can afford a new one."
--"That Jersey murderer was clever to get off as he did, wasn't he?" --"What was his plea--insanity?" --"No, malaria."
"I am told lynching is a pastime in this section." "Well, we do loop the loop occasionally."
"You never bought a gold brick, did you?" asked the admiring friend. "Not exactly," answered Mr. Cumrox. "But I once came mighty near having a French count for a son-in-law."
A man and his bride by the parson were tied, And when the performance was done, "Alas!" exclaimed he, examining his fee, "I add one to one and make one."
"I once knew a man who, with the aid of a microscope, made a harness for a flea." "Humph!" replied the other, "that's nothing. I saw that same flea harnessed."
"I've been pondering over a very singular thing." "What is it?" "How putting a ring on a woman's third finger should place you under that woman's thumb."
There is as much strength in an egg as in a pound of meat. Gotabug--I should say so. I've smelt eggs that had more strength than a hundred pounds of beef.
"There is but one thing," said the professor of medicine, gravely, "that we know about death." "And that is, sir?" queried the student. "It is always fatal."
"I saw De Castro, the magician, make a $20 gold piece disappear in three minutes." "That's nothing. You ought to see my wife with a $20 bill at a church bazaar."
We don't always know just how the "other half" lives; but, in Chicago, the "better half" lives on her alimony.
"It's thrue," said Paddy to Dennis one day, "it wor a grand soight. But whoile ye're standin' sit down, an' Oi'll tell ye all about it."
"Old Jones was killed last night by a dew-drop." "Must have been a very heavy one." "About four hundred tons." "Horrible!" "You see he was standing under the trestle, and a freight...
"Yes, dear," said the petted young wife, examining her Christmas gift, "these diamond earrings are pretty, but the stones are awfully small." "Of course, my dear," replied the dipl...
What do you think of Windig? He reminds me of a river. What's the answer? The biggest part of him is his mouth.
"Well, have you anything to say?" asked the Judge. The little man on the witness stand looked around the court-room rather fearfully. "That depends," he answered at last "Is my wif...
When the curtain at the theater takes a drop the majority of the males in the audience go out to follow suit.
An Irish doctor advertises that the deaf may hear of him at a house in Liffey street, where his blind patients may see him from ten till three.
JOHNNY--What makes you look so tired? TOMMY--My step-mother is sick end now I'll get licked before every meal. The doctor says she must take exercise on an empty stomach.